Somewhere across the map, three pirates take a strange job from a strange person. But is the pay really worth the work?
Featuring Kristen DiMercurio as Lucas, Sarah Podzorski as Dandy Lightly, and Amanda McLoughlin as Capt Salamander Jones. This episode was edited, mixed, and sound designed by Julia Schifini.
New pirates, new treasure, new seeds of adventure, the same Join the Party!
Dive into our ship combat mechanics, classes from Mage Hand Press, the countries of Verda Stello, and other changes we’ve made for C3 HERE!
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Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude: https://multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Eric: You know what happened when the Cascade dried up? The plant and bug people of our world took to the Great Salt Sea, kicking off half a century of pirate tides. They might say they're looking for the salmon to grant them a wish that will benefit everyone. But really, they're looking for adventure, forgiveness, anything better than the landlocked life that they were destined for. There are many stories caught on the wind between the sails, but why don't we hear a different one? This is Join the Party Campaign Three: Legends Across the Tides!
[theme]
Sarah: Woo!
Kristen: Hey!
Amanda: Argh!
Eric: Woos are allowed. You can woo before you're introduced, it's fine.
Sarah: Woo.
Amanda: I realized recently that every time I cheer, I just yell the word, "Yay." I go, "Yay!! And so now, I'm— I'm trying really care—I'm trying really hard to, like, say other things.
Kristen: Gotta diversify the woos.
Sarah: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: You got it.
Amanda: Got in some woos. Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. Ahoy, Greenfolk, I am Eric Silver, the saltiest DM on the sea, and we are doing some One Shots with some new friends. I'm so excited about this, but don't worry, we have old friend, Amanda McLoughlin, who's still here.
Amanda: Argh!
Eric: Yar! We have a local actor, extraordinaire, and also someone who— when we go to Los Angeles, just kind of like tells us about her chaotic life, it's Kristen DiMercurio!
Kristen: You know, it's— it's never not chaotic.
Eric: I like it. It reminds me that things are different in different places.
Kristen: And whenever I see you, I'm reminded that it's not normal.
Eric: I don't say it explicitly. It just kind of vibes off of me. I'm sorry. And now, we have someone who's new to playing Dungeons and Dragons on microphone. I'm so excited to have her on. Video game streamer and host on MinnMaxx, one of my favorite video game podcasts, it's Sarah Podzorski!
Sarah: Hello. Yo, ho, ho. It's the video game streamer.
Amanda: Yay!
Eric: This is great. Sarah, are you excited to do this on microphone for the first time?
Sarah: So excited. So excited.
Eric: Can you tell us like the vibe of your home games? Because I only hear it in, like, snippets from when you tried to talk about tabletop RPGs, and then all of the video game guys—
Sarah: Yes.
Eric: —are like, "Boo, it's not a computer, boo."
Sarah: So in our most recent campaign, we were sort of running as like an adventure guild, and then halfway through, we all flipped into a performance unit of—
Amanda: Oh.
Sarah: —actors and we renamed ourselves Viva Delirium.
Eric: Nice.
Sarah: And we— we went— the— we, you know, went all over the world, trying to do performances and also defeat evil at the same time.
Amanda: Incredible. And Sarah, did you wear a lovely, like, sailor kerchief style collar ?
Sarah: I did. I wanted to get a little nautical for today.
Amanda: Yes. Yes.
Eric: Nice.
Amanda: Nailed it.
Sarah: Bring— bring my vibes.
Eric: Incredible.
Sarah: It's not very pirate-y, but I like to pretend, like, maybe I just didn't know what a pirate was supposed to wear, so I went with the next best thing.
Amanda: Absolutely stunning.
Eric: I'm so excited. I'm so excited about this. Well, you know, we have everyone here, new and old, are playing new characters that I'm extremely excited to talk about. Let's go around and tell us your name, and what kind of plant and bug person you are, and your class and subclass. Tell me about it. Let's start with— Sarah, you want to go first?
Sarah: Sure. I am playing Dandy Lightly. She is a dandelion Greenfolk, but do not call her a weed. She does not appreciate that. She's a warmage, but she primarily relies on her trusty grappling hook to speed her in and out of battle, swinging all over the place. And she's got some really fast, quick, hard-hitting attacks. She's never been on a boat before. This is her first time on the seas, but she's— she makes up in confidence for what she has in lack of experience.
Eric: I love this so much. This is so funny. We have had a warmage on these One Shots before, but we are doing a different subclass. Sarah, would— tell us about the House of Rooks. What— what's different about this? In our previous one, Julia did the one that's like you're playing poker at the same time.
Sarah: Yeah. So that was a little too— little too, like, rely on RNG for me. A lot of it—
Eric: Yeah.
Sarah: —is like roll the dice. So the House of Rooks is essentially sort of like the robe house, you know? I get cloak of feathers, which makes it so I don't have to wear armor and I get like super high AC. My AC is, like, 15.
Eric: Whoa.
Sarah: Just from not wearing armor. It levels a lot very similarly, yeah, to the rogue class, very sneaky. I can cast knock as a spell without actually using a spell slot, because I don't have spell slots. Because spell slots are for losers, and I only like cantrips.
Eric: Cantrips only just truly stabbing people whenever you jump around.
Sarah: Yup.
Eric: I love you're getting close and far. It's like, oh, yeah, this is a good build for this campaign and it's also a good build for Destiny 2. It works in both ways.
Sarah: Yes.
Eric: Hell yeah. Alright, Kirmsten. What do you got? Tell us about it.
Kristen: I am only Kirmsten at night.
Eric: That's true.
Kristen: I don't know if we're going into copyright issues with this, but I'm playing Lucas. If you guys have seen on YouTube, Lucas the Jumping Spider. He's a very small, little guy. He's a little guy and he's so cute. And he just— he just— in human years— like, he's like an eight-year-old. He's a child.
Eric: Hmm.
Kristen: So Lucas is a cabin boy.
Sarah: Aw.
Kristen: And he— so he's a rogue arachnoid stalker, obviously. And he— I'll turn it like as a— as an alternative to never being on a boat. He's never been on land— well, he has like when they come into port, but he— he was like his little egg got, like, mixed up with some cargo and he is hatched at sea.
Sarah: Aw.
Kristen: And so he just loves— loves the ocean, and really hard to find him saying anything negative ever. Everything is great. Again, everything's fun. You know, like it's— it's a great time. And his biggest dream is to someday find the biggest boat on the ocean. He just wants to be on a bigger and bigger boat. He just loves big—so he's literally jumped ship. He's a jumping spider—
Sarah: Aw.
Kristen: —a couple of times, to bigger and bigger boats. And he stays friends, obviously, with his old crew. They all love him as a little brother. But right now, he's —he's working his way up. He's—
Kristen (as Lucas): He's gonna find the biggest boat on the open seas.
Eric: I forgot. This is whatever— all the other actual plays get is having voice actors come on. And now, I'm just like, "Yay, Kristen's speaking, this is great."
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah, I'm just gonna be a little guy, just a little guy.
Eric: Oh, my God. For those of you— yeah, for who those of you who haven't heard of the subclass, go to everyone's favorite, Valda's Spire of Secrets. It is the rogue subclass arachnoid stalker. Very cool that you can, like, just shoot webs and go where you want. And then also your sneak attacks are one dice size bigger and are poison damage, which I think is sick as hell.
Kristen: Yes. I also took the feat, like the near human thing, of arachnids, so I also have spider magic.
Eric: Oh, hell yeah.
Kristen: I can you use poison spray as a cantrip. I can cast bane, or I can cast spider climb. And I thought maybe we could reskin his two daggers as his little fangs.
Eric: Oh, hell yeah.
Sarah: Aw.
Eric: Of course. Of course. Yeah.
Kristen: His little fangs.
Eric: Yeah. That's the best— the best part about being unmoored is you can just be like, "Yeah, I do this." And I'm like, "Alright. Well, you live out on the sea, so I don't know what your whole deal is. That's totally fine."
Amanda: Fair enough.
Kristen: He's a little wary of land—
Eric: That's fair. That's fair.
Kristen: —that's because he's unfamiliar with it.
Eric: Alright, Amanda, what do you got?
Amanda: I am playing Captain Salamander Jones. And Captain Jones is a spider plant Greenfolk. She is 40 years young, a crusty 40. Look at her, I assume she's in her early 70s, but she's only 40.
Eric: A hard 40.
Amanda: A hard 40. And she too, Lucas, was born on the Tide. She's Tide-born, unmoored, and genuinely doesn't understand why anyone would ever go on solid land. She really prides herself on the fact that she has never stepped foot on the— the main continent. And her class is captain from Valda's Spire of Secrets, so she is great at leadership. She is— has kind of cool things around— like being able to persuade people to do things when she's, like, issuing orders. But most importantly, she has a cohort, meaning, well, psychics basically that follow her around and help her out. Can act on her behalf when she's not there. Follow my instructions unerringly when I am there. And of course, these are spider plant babies tethered to—
Kristen: Yes.
Amanda: —to Captain Jones from little tethers that you can slice off and send them into battle as needed.
Eric: It's wild. This class is like— there's just a combination of so many things, there's bard stuff in there, there's monk stuff in there, there's fighter stuff in there. And you also have a little guy running around at all times. It's really, really cool.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Hell yeah.
Kristen: I love the idea that— that Lucas is it the same size as your, like, spider plant minions.
Amanda: Yes.
Kristen: And he probably just like hides among them sometimes, like they're his little buddies.
Amanda: Under— under their leaves, like a little willow tree.
Kristen: Yup. Very cute.
Eric: Oh, this is absolutely incredible. Well, you know what's also funny, Amanda? You're the first character out of nine that we have who's actually the captain of their ship.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: Everyone else has chosen not to be a captain. We had two One Shots that had no captain. It was like going off of the road without actually being a part of their ship, so this is really funny.
Amanda: Well, good thing you have Captain Salamander Jones here who— all she wants in the world is protect her crew, protect what's hers, and be the best damn pirate crew ever was.
Eric: Hell yeah. Alright. I will love to introduce you each to each other, so we're going to play a little game to help you all get together, which is called bonded by the sea. Each player is going to ask another player about something that happened when you were part of the crew. I have a table here for 10 prompts that you're going to ask each other. So one asking player is going to roll a D 10, and I'm gonna say the prompt, and then you're gonna, like, throw it to another person. And then we're gonna kind of do it in a triangle. Alright?
Amanda: Cool.
Eric: Yeah. Amanda, you know— you know how this goes when I—
Amanda: I do.
Eric: —make it— I make a table and then you guys have to roll on it. So Amanda, why don't you go first? So roll D 10, and then I'll give you a prompt.
Amanda: 7.
Eric: 7. Amanda— or sorry, Salamander— Salamander Jones.
Amanda: Captain Jones.
Eric: Captain Jones.
Amanda: Captain Jones.
Eric: Alright. Captain Jones is incre—
Amanda: Thank you.
Eric: — is Captain Jones is extremely afraid of something, what is it? And then you're gonna throw it to another player for the second half after this.
Amanda (as Jones): Captain Jones is really scared by the idea of losing one of her crew overboard. And frankly, most days, she doesn't really know where Lucas is, a 100% of the time. He's so small. Very easy to lose him. So, basically, twice a day she thinks to herself, is Lucas overboard, or is he just lost in the barrel of oatmeal again? And it's— it's— it's a tough one. So, Lucas, over to you.
Eric: Okay. Lucas, when was an inopportune time that Captain Jones' fear of someone falling overboard came up?
Kristen (as Lucas): Oh, well, there was this one time that I thought it'd be really fun— like a really fun game if— like I so— I took a bunch of— like, dried oatmeal from the barrel is my favorite barrel. And I squash it all together. and I made another me. I made like another little Lucas, and I want to see if it would float because I don't know if I float. I don't go in the water. So I threw it off the board, and I was watching it. And then Captain Jones came over and saw it, start to disintegrate, and thought I was dying, and then jumped in the water. And then we had to get— we had to get her out. She was angry, and we didn't have any oatmeal for the rest of the month. But— but I learned— I learned what happens to oatmeal when you put it in the ocean.
Amanda: I love him.
Eric: I love writing this down. Captain Jones is afraid of people drowning. Lucas made an oatmeal Lucas and everyone was upset.
Kristen: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Eric: Hell yeah. Alright, Kristen, roll a D10 for me.
Kristen: [dice roll] That'd be a 3.
Eric: That's a 3. Alright. Lucas, on a scale of 1 to 10, you are this much into treasure and doublooms, which is the currency in Verda Stello, and Amber which is our pirate currency. If you think of like John Wick, how they, like, gave each other like assassin coins, where they deal with pieces of amber. Lucas, how much are you into treasure?
Kristen (as Lucas): Oh, well, kinda depends on the treasure. I'd say if it's like gold, or money, or gems, I'd say like a two. I don't really care. But if there's toys, toys are like a— a 50 billion, or whatever's above 10. I think— yeah. So if there's like a little toy boat, or like a— a train, I don't know. That's— that's treasure to me. But the gold, I give it— I give it to the captain. I don't need it.
Eric: Got it. Alright, Dandy, when has there been a situation where Lucas' obsession with toys in chests has kind of come up and might have been a problem?
Sarah: We had a bit of a situation when Lucas got into the treasure chest and started wanting to see if the gold would stick into his webs.
Eric: Sure.
Sarah: He was turning all the gold into toys, and we could not get the gold out of the webs, so we spent a week hand removing each individual piece of gold from the webs, and I was in charge of that because nobody else wanted to do it.
Eric: This is real, like, my eight-year-old cousin got into my rare Pokemon cards vibes.
Kristen (as Lucas): It's a fun new game.
Amanda (as Jones): If only we have oatmeal to make the sticky less sticky, but someone decided that was a toy, too.
Eric: Okay. Good to know. Alright, Sarah, roll a D10 for me.
Sarah: Okay. 6.
Eric: 6. Alright, Dandy. You have a secret talent, would you kee— that you keep to yourself, what is it?
Sarah (as Dandy): Hmm. I'm going to say that my secret talent is secretly I'm actually quite very good at sewing.
Eric: Hell yeah.
Sarah (as Dandy): But because it's such a boring talent, and I hated doing it so much. I will never ever, ever openly admit to being good at sewing.
Eric: That would be so helpful on a pirate ship.
Sarah (as Dandy): It would, it would, but Dandy— I mean, I personally think it's a lame talent.
Eric: That's fair. That's only fair.
Sarah (as Dandy): And in the middle of the night, things on the ship will magically be repaired, and nobody knows who's doing it. And I'll never admit that it was me.
Kristen (as Lucas): I think it's the captain.
Sarah (as Dandy): It is probably is the captain is what I'd say.
Eric: Alright. Captain Jones, when did you see Dandy doing this? Do you find it impressive or embarrassing?
Amanda (as Jones): Oh, good question.
Eric: You can go with sewing ghost if you want. Sewing ghost seems to be on the table.
Amanda (as Jones): Well, one time we wanted to update our— our standard, our flag flies on the ship to reflect the new ship because as when— when Dandy and Lucas joined, you know, it wasn't the crew of old, it was the crew of right now, and it's important to update your standards to reflect your whole crew. So I was trying to— try to get it to stick and I— I tried spittin', I tried having— having salt dry overnight, I tried making some glue out of the— the— the gunk at the bottom of the pan, that didn't work very well. And then next time I looked, Dandy was like, "Oh, it just— it stuck itself on." And I saw— I saw little stitches as small as like the— the seeds of a dandelion was about to die, and that was pretty impressive. So I— I thought it was sweet, and because I respect Dandy, I'll never mention it. Never once. Not even on my deathbed.
Eric: I like how you update a—the— the standard on a ship, like a masthead of a block. I love this.
Amanda (as Jones): It's important— it's important to credit everybody including the below the line staff. Yeah.
Eric: Hell yeah. Alright. I— I'm learning a lot about the three of you. This is— this is gonna be very sweet and goofy. Let's see how this goes. Alright, folks, before we start, players, do you have any questions, do you have any thoughts? You're good?
Amanda: Head empty, just Salamander.
Sarah: No thoughts. No. Yeah.
Eric: Just— just Salamander. Incredible. It is a brilliant day out on the Great Salt Sea. It's one of those days that makes it worth it to be a pirate. Like where else are you going to be able to enjoy just the nice lapping of the tide up against your ship, the sun streaming out through a few clouds so every so often, it's dark for a second, but then it comes back out. No one's attacking you. There's no sea monsters around. You don't even have to come up on deck and, like, pays— pay docking fees. It is just nice and chill, and it's a good day to be someone who lives out on the sea. Can you tell me what each of you are doing right now?
Amanda (as Jones): I feel bad for landlubbers at a time like this, so I try my best to— to— to sun myself and— and school my— my— my cohort, my spider plant babies on— on just like drills and tactics. So we— you know, we make sure there's different formations. We know what we do if, you know, there's a attack from behind, what if there's attack from the front. What if we need to defend Lucas? What if someone's about to fall overboard? And we just— we run drills out in the sunshine, up on the deck, and I think to myself, "Man, no better life than this.
Eric: What— what are your drills look like? What are we doing? Like do you call out a na— it's like you're calling a football play and then they go into formation?
Amanda (as Jones): I don't know what football is, but I— I yell things like delta formation. And then— and then the five of them, they get into the shape of a triangle, and they— they do an attack forward on the masthead.
Eric: Just taking— taking little— taking little pieces out of the masthead, running— running into it like a high school football team?
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah.
Eric: That's awesome. Okay, great. What else? What else are you— what are you two doing on this beautiful day?
Sarah: Yeah. I am up in the crow's nest, pretending to be a lookout on this beautiful day, because what could possibly go wrong? But really, I'm just hiding up there, hoping nobody assigns me any duties.
Amanda: Smart, smart.
Eric: Smart, smart, smart. Lucas, what about you?
Kristen: Lucas is the opposite. Lucas is doing a lot of duties because Lu— Lucas sees all of his chores as games. So right now, Lu—
Kristen (as Lucas): Lucas is swabbing the deck, and he's seeing a little song, and he's going, "I'm a little guy. My name is Lucas. I'm a little guy. My name is Lucas."
Eric: Stop.
Kristen (as Lucas): "I'm a little guy. My name is Lucas. I'm a tiny pirate." And he's just— just swabbing the deck, having a great day.
Eric: You act— Kristen, that's gonna be stuck in my head for the rest of the year. Oh, my God. Hey, Dandy, why don't you give me a perception check while you're up there? Give me disadvantage, so give me a roll, because you're not paying attention.
Sarah: Because I'm not really paying attention. Okay.
Eric: No, you're not paying attention. Give me a perception check.
Sarah: Let's see. Perception check.
Eric: And roll— and roll and give me a—
Sarah: Ooh, okay.
Eric: Give me the lower of two.
Sarah: Got it. A 9.
Eric: A 9.
Sarah: I'm really not paying attention. It's a beautiful day outside.
Amanda: Tough.
Eric: No. Let me see.
Amanda: Close your eyes, getting a little bronze.
Sarah: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Incredible. Okay. I rolled a 9 as well, so— hey, you're so lucky. You know what? You're lazing in the pi— in the crow's nest, just kind of— you have your head— your head over the side. Just the wind catching your little dandelion seeds and blowing it away.
Sarah: Uh-hmm.
Eric: But like something keeps ca— like your eyes are closed and— but you feel that thing when light hits your face.
Sarah: Hmm.
Eric: Even when like your eyes are closed. You're like, "What? It's like it happens very— every few seconds, like something's going by your face. And it's like almo— it's blue, too. Like a blue light is casting of— casting a paler over your face while you're trying to relax.
Sarah: Okay, I— you know, I go, "Ugh. What could this be?" And I opened my eyes, what do I see?
Eric: Coming up on the starboard side of the ship— those of you at home, I'm not going to tell you if it's left or right, you just gotta figure it out.
Amanda: Don't worry about it.
Eric: You— don't worry about it.
Sarah:
Eric: I know Theater of the mind.— I know what it is, but I'm not going to tell you at ho— I'm not gonna say it. Coming up on the starboard side of the ship, there's like a little tugboat that is coming forward and there is a— it has like— almost like something between a siren and a bullseye lantern, where like the siren would go— and it's a blue siren, but the bullseye lantern, it has like a kind of like a— a mechanic that point—that it can point it at someone.
Sarah: Hmm.
Eric: And this blue light is just being pointed at you every time this the light of the siren comes by. You don't hear the— you don't hear the sound, but it's just like the light is kind of hailing you, that this tugboat is hailing you.
Sarah: Okay.
Eric: And standing on the ship, you see it's being steered by a Greenfolk that looks like a Brussels sprout. It's like a Brussels sprout that's still in the ground, so it kind of has like the plumage around it. Just kind of at the front steering the tugboat from like a big— the big ship wheel at the front, while you're getting hit in the face by this blue light.
Sarah: I lean over and I go—
Sarah (as Dandy): Captain! Captain!
Amanda (as Jones): Aye?
Sarah (as Dandy): The sea cops are here.
Amanda (as Jones): Sea cops?!
Sarah (as Dandy): There's a— there's a sprout— it's a sprout ship pulling up on our starboard port, Captain.
Amanda (as Jones): Bravo formation line!
Sarah (as Dandy): Captain, captain, are we— should we pre— what should I prepare for this?
Amanda (as Jones): Get— get down here. Get— get behind me. Bravo formation, that's why you have to join the lads in their training.
Sarah: Okay, I'm grappling hook down.
Eric: What is Bravo formation for you, the sprout— for the Sallys and Lucas?
Amanda: Well, it's a— the spider plant babies are arranged around the bow of the ship, one at the top, two on each side. And I want Lucas and Dandy to hang out in the middle, near the main mast where we can— we can keep them safe.
Kristen: Lucas flips his mouth around, so that it's the— the blunt end.
Amanda: Yeah.
Kristen (as Lucas): ACAB!
Kristen: Jumps into the middle of the thing.
Amanda (as Jones): Well done, Lucas, hang on to those teeth until you need them, okay?
Kristen (as Lucas): We got it, captain.
Eric: The tugboat kind of putters its way up, coming up alongside of your ship. It's a— in my head, your— you have like a full-size pirate ship, this is truly like a fifth of the size of your ship. Just like [chugging noise] like, "Choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo."
Sarah (as Dandy): It's the sea traffic police.
Amanda (as Jones): Announce yourselves.
Eric: And the blue light, yeah, you see this blue light siren turned off and say—
Eric (as Eddie): Hello, is— can I get in touch with the captain, please? I just need a little—I just need a little bit of help.
Amanda (as Jones): This is she, obviously.
Eric (as Eddie): Oh, it's very nice to meet you, captain. And this is your— your crew, it's very nice to meet you. How—
Amanda (as Jones): Don't address my crew, address me!
Eric (as Eddie): Understood. Of course. My name is Eddie Whispers. Here— I'm here on behalf of Blue Lotus Life Insurance.
Eric: As the— as the brussels— as the— the unplucked brussels sprout, you now get a better sense of him. He's like four-foot-five, wearing a white button-down short-sleeve shirt and a tie, like a man in the '70s at an office. Just like slack—
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: —slacks too, kind of beat up— beat up shoes, probably waterlogged as well. And he takes out a fishing rod, and he puts a business card on the fishing rod, and like throws it over to you.
Amanda (as Jones): Omega!
Amanda: And the— the spider baby closest to where the line lands, plucks the card off of the hook, and tottles over to me on two long leaps.
Eric: Yeah. The card says, "Eddie Whispers, lead insurance agent for Quadrant 5B of the Great Salt Sea. Blue Lotus Life Insurance. We know what will happen, let us take care of you."
Amanda (as Jones): Uh, Mr. Whispers, are you a captain? How— how should I address you? I— I thought you were a sea cop, I hope that's not rude.
Eric (as Eddie): No, I know that the— the siren is just the best way for us to get in touch. No, you can call me Eddie or Agent Whispers, but don't call me late for dinner. Alright.
Amanda (as Jones): Mr. Whispers, what's insurance? Dandy, Lucas, y'all know what insurance is?
Sarah: Dandy steps in, dandy's been on land, and she goes—
Sarah (as Dandy): It's something they make you pay for and then you never get the money back when you need it. It's a scam, captain. It's a scam.
Amanda (as Jones): Avast, scammer!
Eric (as Eddie): It— where a— that is usually what it is on the— on the land, but honestly, it seems to be working out very well for the people who need it, which are you, pirates. In fact, we— if you get into an issue, you get into a problem. You can buy some li— you can buy some life insurance and we'll come give you life again.
Kristen: Lucas is going to, like, scurry up to the guy, sort of jump up on his shoulder, because that's how Lucas likes to talk to people. Oh, wait, they're not on the— on board, are they? Okay.
Eric: Yeah, you can jump over to the boat.
Kristen: Yeah, Lucas is jumping over.
Amanda (as Jones): Oh! Oh! There— there he goes.
Eric: What— wait, so what— what does that— do— what does that look like? Do you just fully jump?
Kristen: Okay. Yes. So jumping spiders can jump, like, 20 or 30 times their height, like these huge, like, "Pew!" Like, literally, like he's being shot out of a little slingshot. So he just sort of like— you know, like when a cat is about to jump up on something and they kind of shimmy?
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Uh-huh.
Kristen: He kind of like shimmies, he calibrates, he gets a little shorter— closer to the ground, and then springs. And he goes—
Kristen (as Lucas): I'll go see the other boat.
Kristen: And he scrimples down, if scrimple is a word, and pew, up and over, just through the air, lands on the tugboat.
Eric (as Eddie): Oh, hello, child.
Kristen (as Lucas): Hi, is insurance a game? I want to play.
Eric (as Eddie): It's al— it's kind of like a game. It's almost like a get— you know what it's like? If life is the game, this is a get out of jail free card that you have to pay us at Blue Lotus Life Insurance for us to get you back in the game.
Kristen: Lucas is gonna yell back to the boat.
Kristen (as Lucas): I think we should do it.
Amanda (as Jones): So it's like if someone is— is harmed on my crew, you could— you could come help them?
Eric (as Eddie): Yes, absolutely. We have a vi— we have reviving technology that will be allow— that we can bring people back, if you need it. Though, if you don't have insurance, that's fine. Honestly, I'm actually late— I'm late for a meeting, and I really would need some help to kind of help someone else fulfill their life insurance policy that they needed the island over there.
Eric: And he gestures with a big leafy hand. And there is a— a small island that's like, I don't know, a few hours of boat ride away.
Eric (as Eddie): I've laid for so—
Eric: That he's not a Jewish grandpa, he's just nasally. Hold on.
Amanda: Slippery slope.
Eric: I know. It's very much like—
Eric (as Eddie): If you could just help me, I'm late for a meeting, we're having a— got a team building activity for us over at Blue Lotus, and I— I just need somebody to help fulfill their life insurance policy for a crew that— that very much needs it. It's just right over there. I would pay you for your time, of course. We have a discretionary fund for contractors.
Amanda (as Jones): So someone— someone's crews in trouble and needs help?
Eric (as Eddie): Yes, very— they're very much in trouble. Yes.
Amanda (as Jones): Gang, What do we think?
Kristen (as Lucas): Oh, we could do that. It'd be like a game where we save them.
Sarah (as Dandy) : I think we should get the money upfront first.
Amanda (as Jones): Excellent point, Dandy.
Kristen: Gonna tug on the pant leg like—
Kristen (as Lucas): Do you have toys?
Eric (as Eddie): I have some, of course. I mean— you're— yeah. We don't have much for this, but I guess you're— you're pirate—you're pirate contractors, we have an amber discretionary fund.
Eric: He turns around and opens up like a really big, like, clunky file cabinet and like—
Eric (as Eddie): No, no, no, no.
Eric: And pulls open— and pulls open a file cabinet that's just like filled with Amber inside, and be like—
Eric (as Eddie): You know that I'm good for it. I— I just— I needed to have some sort of receipt. Part of the issue is that we need to make sure that these are in fact the people who paid for the life insurance, so you have to collect their receipts. But don't worry, you will be paid handsomely for it. I'm putting a lot of trust in you. I just can't do it myself.
Amanda (as Jones): How about first you give us three of those— what you call it? So if— if anybody needs saving, you know, you can help us with it down the line. And then later, we'll get the amber once we fulfill this policy situation.
Eric (as Eddie): Hmm. Maybe I could— I could do you one better instead.
Eric: And he goes— and—
Eric (as Eddie): Hello, child. Would you like to see what it's like to come back from the dead?
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah, I always wanted to come back from the dead.
Eric (as Eddie): Of course. Okay.
Eric: So he's like—
Eric (as Eddie): Okay, here we go.
Eric: And opens up another cabinet in this file cabinet. And it's filled with, like, papaya seeds. I don't know if you've seen them before, or if you know what a papaya— for those of you who don't know what a papaya is, it's like a big orange fruit, but inside there's like— there's like gushy black stuff around the seed itself, but this will be— it's filled with these big, big papaya seeds the size of your hand, but they're like pulsing with energy. It's pul— it's like pulsing within its— it would shine, and it goes in and out, and in and out. It'd be like—
Eric (as Eddie): Yeah, so if you just do this, if you put it in someone's mouth, it just brings them right back to life.
Kristen (as Lucas): Whoa.
Eric (as Eddie): So I can give you one for your trouble just in case you run into anything dangerous. I don't want anything to happen to you, of course. We need this fulfilled. So I can't do payment upfront, but you get plenty of amber on the way back, and I'll give you an extra revival seed.
Kristen: Lucas is going—
Kristen (as Lucas): Ew.
Kristen: And like poking them and be like—
Kristen (as Lucas): Oh, it's squishy.
Eric (as Eddie): Child, please stop poking the revival seeds.
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah, it's so gross.
Eric (as Eddie): Please stop, please.
Eric: And just like slightly slaps your hand.
Eric (as Eddie): Yeah. So, of course, this is what I'll front you, you can have one just in case anything happens and you'll take three for the three people who paid for the life insurance policy. If you do it quickly and collect the receipts, you get a piece of ever for each of you. And there's also something inside of where that is and I'll give you extra bonus if you bring that back for what these— what these pirates seem to be going after.
Amanda (as Jones): Sound good, crew?
Eric (as Eddie): How does that sound?
Kristen (as Lucas): Okay.
Kristen: I just scooped one up.
Sarah (as Dandy): Our schedule is open.
Amanda (as Jones): We'll— we'll take it. I'm— I'm glad you— you flagged us down, Whispers.
Eric (as Eddie): Thank you, Captain Jones. Please, I— I do need to get to a meeting. Unless, child, would you like to come with me to a— to a team building meeting at an insurance po— at insurance company?
Kristen (as Lucas): Eh, your boat's too small, but you're the nicest cop I've ever met. I'll take this.
Kristen: And takes the little— the seed thing and just "boing" back over to the other side and hands the seed to Captain Salamander Jones.
Eric (as Eddie): Like, actually, child, come back, I— I didn't give you everything that you needed, come back.
Kristen (as Lucas): Okay. Wee!
Eric: And then he scoops up three of— three more of the seeds, and puts it in a plastic bag, and ties and give— ties it and gives it to you.
Eric (as Eddie): Remember this— the life insurance policy covers three pirates, and make sure to get their receipts to make sure that they paid in full.
Kristen (as Lucas): Okay. Do you have anything else?
Eric (as Eddie): No, that's it. Just meet back here as soon as you're finished. I'll be back— I'll be back around sundown.
Kristen (as Lucas): Okay. Wee!
Amanda (as Jones): Alright. We'll give it a go.
Eric (as Eddie): Wonderful. Pleasure doing business with you.
Amanda (as Jones): Lucas, every time you do that, I think you're going to fall to your death. Every time.
Kristen (as Lucas): I never miss, except for I did— like, twice.
Amanda (as Jones): Oh, boy.
Eric (as Eddie): Yes. Makes sure— listen to your captain. There's a reason why your captain has these worries about people falling to their death, it happens all the time. In fact—
Kristen (as Lucas): No, it's just cause she's old.
Eric (as Eddie): In fact, if you don't pay attention, you might end up doing it three more times this year.
Amanda (as Jones): What?
Eric (as Eddie): Well, if you— I could just check my actuary tables.
Eric: As he pulls out— he pulls out another drawer— another drawer of the— of the filing cabinet and just, like, piles, and piles, and piles of paper showing like what— depending on what your actions are as a pirate is how long you'll live.
Amanda: Captain Jones screams—
Amanda (as Jones): Witch!
Amanda: And starts pulling up the anchor.
Eric (as Eddie): Alright. To-toot.
Eric: As Agent Eddie Whispers heads off in the other direction.
Sarah (as Dandy): I hope he has fun at his company icebreakers.
Eric (as Eddie): Oh, you know I will. I'm gonna tell people two truths and a lie.
Sarah: Ooh.
Eric: Incredible. Alright. So, yeah, there's a small island that's a few hours away that you can just easily sail on over, because the sea is fine. Is there anything you want to know? Anything— any questions you have before— before we head over?
Amanda (as Jones): Dandy, you— you've heard of this insurance scam before, this product?
Sarah (as Dandy): On land, it works quite a bit differently, but there's something about these seeds that makes me wonder. They look particularly evil for a life-giving seed. Um—
Eric: Yeah. Hey, if anyone wants to do any roles on any of this stuff on life insurance on these seeds—
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: —let me know. Yeah, what— do they— do they want to check these out?
Amanda: I'd love to do a history check on the seeds, if I've seen anything like this among pirate medicine or the different terrains that I've visited.
Eric: Sure. Sounds good. If you're looking at the seeds, I'll take an Arcana check and— but for Dandy specifically, if you want to like— if you want to do another history check on insurance—
Sarah: Okay.
Eric: —you can, but whatever your—
Sarah: I'll do a history insurance check.
Eric: A history insurance check. Yeah. Alright, so—
Kristen: History insurance check.
Eric: —why don't I get an Arcana check from Lucas—
Sarah: Okay.
Eric: —on the seeds if you want?
Sarah: And I'll do history check.
Kristen: Oh, yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Kristen: [dice roll] That'd be a 14 from Lucas.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Nice.
Sarah: I got a 5. I'm really too young to know about insurance.
Eric: Much like most of us, insure— it's just one of those things you got to pay for.
Sarah: Who can understand it?
Eric: Who can understand it? Yeah.
Sarah: Who can understand it?
Eric: This is certainly different. You have not seen this type of life for sure.
Sarah: It is unknowable.
Eric: So I think what you said is true. This is different.
Amanda: Yeah. Salamander only got a 10.
Eric: Okay. So no, you have not— you have not seen—
Kristen: How is it Lucas knows what a po—
Eric: You have not seen these seeds before. You have heard that like there are certain magics that would be able to bring people back to life—
Amanda: Sure.
Eric: —when they— when they die. But, you know, things are weird out in the Great Salt Sea. Alright, Lucas, 14 huh?
Kristen: Uh-hmm.
Eric: You know what this reminds you of? Oh, I remember this is like when— when I was a little baby, when I was born, and when— there was— and I was like an egg, but also there was goop around me as an egg. That's crazy. It is not— it is not me. I'm not a spider, and this is not spider egg, but like I guess these seeds have life inside of it. And that's what's pulsing through it, is the life.
Kristen: Lucas is gonna turn around and go—
Kristen (as Lucas): I think they're babies.
Amanda (as Jones): In— in the seeds?
Kristen (as Lucas): No, I think if you eat it, you become a baby.
Amanda (as Jones): Oh, of— of what kind of creature?
Kristen (as Lucas): I— I have to ask them.
Kristen: He's gonna go and be like—
Kristen (as Lucas): What kind of baby are you? They don't talk it, so we have to find out later. Well, I guess being a baby is better than being dead, so—
Amanda (as Jones): You know, Lucas, you're— you're surprisingly full of wisdom.
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah. I mean, my stats are a little strange.
Eric: True, true, true. Hell yeah. You want to head over?
Amanda (as Jones): Let's chart the course, crew.
Eric: Alright. Seafaring montage, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. You're at the island. This is another tropical island, some of the ones that you've seen around the Great Salt Sea. Some of them are more arid, some of them are more rocky, some of them are kind of like— like a whole— like just the— the whole Midwest on an island, just flat as far as the eye can see. But this one is fairly tropical. Lots, and lots, and lots of bright colors. Like, all the greens are brilliant greens like— like, really bright light green, where like the forest greens are just like as green as possible. Someone turn the saturation all the way up. There's pinks, and light blues, and oranges, and mangoes and— and like sherbet. It's just so— the colors of the flora here are just so, so brilliant. It's rather a small island as you pull up. The majority of the island is this cave that is sitting in the middle of the island. So, like, there's a lot of trees and— and— and bushes, and plants, and greenery around it. But the majority of the island is just this big, big open cave.
Sarah: Hmm.
Sarah (as Dandy): So, captain, we're supposed to find dead people here?
Amanda (as Jones): That's what they made it sound like. I mean, how are you supposed to ask for the— for the thing from the insurance after your death? I hope—
Kristen (as Lucas): Well, he said to get a receipt, which I think is a type of toy.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah, it might be. I mean, crew, if you were taking shelter on this island, if you were harmed, if you were in danger, where would you go?
Sarah (as Dandy): Do you mean if I died on this island, where—where would I die?
Amanda (as Jones): The big cave, exactly.
Sarah (as Dandy): Yeah, the— yeah.
Amanda (as Jones): Exactly. We are a well-oiled machine. I lay my life down for any of you.
Kristen (as Lucas): And then we could turn you into a baby because you'd be dead.
Amanda (as Jones): Listen, if I— if I die, put one of them seeds in my mouth. Let's— let's see what happens.
Sarah (as Dandy): Okay, can do, captain.
Eric: Incredible. As you walk up to the front of the cave, you see that there's a bunch of be— there are berry vultures that are, like, perched upon the— kind of like the lip of the cave. There's a— these like dark red malignant birds that are looking at all of you as you're passing by. In fact, you see that there are four that are kind of surrounding something on the ground right now, just like picking at it and going— [squawks]
Sarah: I cover as many of Lucas' eyes as I can.
Sarah (as Dandy): Don't look, Lucas!
Kristen: Like, he's like—
Kristen (as Lucas): Okay, thanks. I don't really like the land.
Amanda: Yeah. Captain Jones will give Dandy a— a nod and advance on this group of birds, spreading her— her— her leaf tendrils as far and wide as she possibly can. And yelling, "Ca-caw! Ca-caw!"
Eric: And you want— you want— do you want to see if that intimidation check works?
Amanda: Yeah, sure do.
Eric: Alright, sure.
Kristen: Hell yeah.
Eric: Let's see if you— you try to scare some vultures away.
Amanda: Cool. It's a 14.
Eric: Okay. Sorry, that's not gonna do it. The vultures kind of look at you, the berry vultures look at you for a second, and then just go back to what they were doing, going— [squawks] and then—
Sarah (as Dandy): I thought that you were very intimidating, captain.
Amanda (as Jones): Thank you. Thank you, Dandy.
Eric: —one— another one flies down and, like, kind of pushes out of the way and so now, there's five around something.
Amanda: Can I— can I look between them and see what they're picking it?
Eric: Yeah. You can see that they're— they're picking at something or what used to be— maybe what used to be someone because you can definitely see a puffy white hand of a cauliflower Greenfolk.
Amanda (as Jones): Be gone, creatures, vile, vile birds!
Amanda: And Captain— Captain Jones is gonna throw a javelin at the birds. Yeah.
Eric: Throw a javelin, yeah.
Sarah: You just have a javelin. It's so good.
Amanda: Alright, that's a 16 to hit.
Eric: Alright. Yeah. Sure, yeah. A 16 yeah, you— the javelin goes— [squawks] as you— as you hit one of the berry vultures with the javelin.
Amanda: Cool, cool. And that's an 8 points of damage.
Eric: Oh, 8 points of damage. Alright, you de— you knocked one down, but the four other ones are still— are still feasting.
Amanda (as Jones): Dandy, any— any help here?
Sarah: Can I use my grappling hook to pull the body towards me? Can I just like— [swooshes] and, like, drag it out of the pile of birds?
Eric: That is a great idea. Give me a Dexterity Check—
Sarah: Okay.
Eric: —to— for your skill with this grappling hook here.
Sarah: Okay. 15.
Eric: 15. Hell yeah.
Amanda: Hell yeah. Yes.
Eric: Yeah, you can gra— you grapple something as you pull it in.
Sarah: I grapple something. Does it have a mouth?
Eric: Well, you got an arm and part of a shoulder. Yeah.
Sarah: Oh, gosh!
Eric: And then as the berry vultures kind of disperse, as— and you see that two of— two of the vultures have other parts of this cauliflower Greenfolk—
Sarah: Okay.
Eric: —in their mou—in their mouth and then fly farther into the cave.
Amanda (as Jones): Well, this one's too dead, we can't do anything about this one.
Sarah (as Dandy): Did they say how many parts we need for the seed to work?
Amanda (as Jones): It's a good question.
Kristen: Now, that Lucas' eyes aren't covered, Lucas is gonna, like, hop over, like, onto the body and be like—
Kristen (as Lucas): Oh, gross.
Kristen: But like with delight, you know, as kid— only kids can, and take out his— his rapier and just start poking it a little bit.
Eric: A tool tip pops up at the bottom of the screen which is like— with Agent Whispers in there, is like—
Eric (as Eddie): Fun fact, as long as all the parts are there, you could put it in the mouth.
Sarah (as Dandy): Perfect. Did you guys see where those birds went?
Kristen (as Lucas): They went in the cave.
Eric: Yeah, two of the birds went in— two of the birds went into the cave.
Amanda (as Jones): Alrighty, folks, let's— let's drag this corpse into the game, get them all put together.
Kristen (as Lucas): Let's go.
Kristen: Actually, what we can do is— Lucas has like webs and, like—
Amanda: Ooh.
Kristen: —silk and so can kind of, like, tie together —
Sarah: Oh, my God.
Kristen: —the parts we do have into like a little bundle.
Sarah: I was worried I was gonna have to carry each piece.
Amanda (as Jones): If only someone could sew.
Sarah (as Dandy): I— that's crazy, captain. That would be really, really useful right now. If someone could sew these body parts back together. Maybe if we all just closed our eyes and wished really, really hard.
Amanda (as Jones): That's true.
Amanda: And then Jones is gonna put her hands over her eyes and have her babies turn around, and just sit there, going—
Amanda (as Jones): Oh, oh, sewing fairy, please visit us.
Eric: If there were more parts to sew together. You only have one part, there's nothing to saw.
Sarah: Oh, we only have one?
Eric: Yeah, you only have one part right now. You had—you have—
Kristen: Oh.
Sarah: Oh, so we have to get the rest of the parts.
Eric: Yeah, you have an arm and a shoulder right now.
Amanda: Okay.
Kristen: So grotesque.
Eric: And you're missing— you're missing—
Sarah: We only have an arm and a shoulder.
Eric: You only have an arm on his shoulder, but there are two parts missing. The— the berry vultures have two other parts.
Sarah (as Dandy): Captain, I think if we got these two other parts, the sewing fairy might come spread her talents.
Amanda (as Jones): Hell yeah. Let's do it.
Eric: Incredible. You want to head in?
Amanda: Yeah.
Sarah: Let's go.
[theme]
Amanda: Hey, it's Amanda again, and you have made it to the mid-roll of the last One Shot in the Legends Across the Tides mini-series. Again, if you are new here, if this is your first venture into Join the Party, we are so glad to have had you. We are, of course, a weekly actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who like each other and make each other laugh. And if this is the One Shot that you are listening to first, if you listened to two or even all three of the One Shots that we have run here in January, I have great news. Next week, next Tuesday, we are publishing an episode where the three regular players here on Join the Party myself, Julia, and Brandon, and of course, saltiest DM on the seas, Eric Silver, talk all about what this process was like, how long it took us to put together, how we actually came up with these characters, and how Eric came up with the adventures, answer your questions about what this means for the broader world of Verda Stello in Campaign Three, so lots of good stuff in store, and maybe even some funny anecdotes from the recording of these series. So stick around, make sure you hit subscribe, and join us next week as well. Thank you also to our newest patrons, Ginger, Megan, and Diana, all of whom actually joined at the annual levels. They paid one time, once upfront right now in January for an entire year of supporting Join the Party on Patreon, buying you, by the way, an entire year of Party Planning, our bi-weekly audio and video podcast where we play games and do all kinds of exciting stuff. That's 26 episodes, baby. You have access to the Discord 365 days a year. Oh, my God, what value, and so much more. If you join at the $8 tier, for example, you get ad-free episodes of every single thing we publish on Join the Party and more and more. You can even play a One Shot with us, with Eric, and Brandon, and Julia, and me. You, yourself, could play a private One Shot with us at our highest level of Patreon support. That is what lets us do this as our job. That's what let us put so much time, and effort, and money into making the new theme song, into doing the incredible character illustrations that Chris Pickett made. So amazing, I follow them on Instagram, so, so good. Thank you again. Please join us if you can at patreon.com/jointhepartypod. Now, this week at Multitude, the home that Join the Party lives in, in the podcasting world, we are always doing exciting new things. And this week, we want to make sure you check out Big Game Hunger, a weekly comedy show where Legends Across The Tides player, Jenna Stoeber, and friends craft the next big video game every episode. They start with a randomly generated genre, concept, and vibe, and then Jenna and a variety of her funny and game-obsessed guests take these ideas far enough that they could pitch it to a shadowy board of rich investors, which totally sounds like a thing that we would find at the end of an Eric Silver One Shot. By the end of each episode, they will have honed an IP so resistible that you too will be ready to fork over $25 for it on Steam. So go ahead and laugh about games you love, learn about game trends, and yearn for titles that will surely never make their release date. Also, we very frequently get comments that people actually want to buy these games, so you know it's a good podcast. So go ahead, look up Big Game Hunger in your podcast app, and there are new episodes every Monday. We are sponsored this week by Shaker & Spoon. A subscription cocktail service that helps you learn how to make handcrafted cocktails right at home. Every box comes with enough ingredients to make three different cocktail recipes that are each developed by world-class mixologists. All you have to do is buy one bottle of that month's spirit, and you have everything you need to make 12 drinks at home. It's just 40 or 50 bucks per month plus the cost of the bottle. So this is a very cost-effective way to enjoy craft cocktails at home. It's like if I go to craft a cocktail bar and spend just 40 bucks, I'm like, "Wow, what a deal." So you can get 12 drinks for that price and the cost of the bottle, so good. So whether you are getting a sort of, like, exciting little hobby to do at home, you want to, you know, bring something amazing to a friend's place, or a party, or be a great house guest and show up with a Shaker & Spoon box in hand, you can get $20 off your first box at shakerandspoon.com/jointheparty. That's shakerandspoon.com/jointheparty. And now, let's get back to the show.
[theme]
Eric: Alright. Inside of the cave, it's— you didn't expect something inside of a cave to be dank and nasty, but like it is still dank and nasty, but like just still the colors are brilliant, there's pinks, and greens and blues just all over— all over the walls of this cave.
Amanda: As we enter the cave, Jones is going to kind of, like, kick a little arrow in the— in the dirt to point us back toward the ship. So if we have to have a hot exit, we have to get out of here in a hurry, we know which way the ship is docked.
Eric: Hmm. Smart, smart, smart, smart. Cool.
Amanda (as Jones): Not my first rodeo.
Eric: Alright. As you start to walk— walk into the— walking into of the cave, it was very, very large on the outside and then the walls of the cave start to slope in, it's getting a little bit smaller. Nothing scary yet. Nothing— no one's— no one's feeling claustrophobic just yet, but it's getting a little bit smaller, alright?
Amanda: Jones is gonna light her— her lamp from her pack, hold it up.
Eric: Hmm. Smart. As you walk forward, I need everyone to make perception check.
Kristen: Ooh, that'd be a 22, baby.
Sarah: Ooh.
Kristen: I’ve got lots of eyes.
Sarah: I got a 6.
Amanda: Just a 6. I'm gonna switch dice. This is crazy.
Eric: Alright.
Kristen: Well, it's also a little dark. Like, Lucas has dark vision, you know, spiders, small places.
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: Yeah. Lucas, you're jumping around, you're like, "Oh, look at this new cave." And that's when you stumble upon a— a pair of boots.
Kristen (as Lucas): Whoa. There's not enough for me, but—
Kristen: Sticks like two of their four, like, the bottom legs into the boots.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's interesting about this is that you see the boots—the boots, they're like old, they're kind of waterlogged, they're salt-stained. And you see that their step—the boots— there are like exact boot-sized— with your 22 on presumption, there's exact boot-sized footprints that are leading away— kind of a way over to the right.
Kristen: Lucas is gonna turn around and go—
Kristen (as Lucas): These books are magic, they could walk by themselves.
Amanda (as Jones): Really?
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah, go look, go look.
Amanda: Jones would love to kind of compare the boots to the arm we have. Is there anything in common, size, smell, foot that's left in the boot?
Eric: There is no foot left in the boot—
Amanda: Okay, okay.
Eric: —unfortunately, no. No, no, no.
Kristen: Good, because Lucas did not look before he stuck he stuck his feet in.
Eric: No, no. Lucas, you're fine. You're fine.
Kristen: Lucas goes—
Kristen (as Lucas): This isn't enough boots for me. Didn't we want the boots?
Amanda (as Jones): I mean, Dandy, you want to upgrade?
Sarah (as Dandy): Um, I don't really know if I want these abandoned boots, but we can hang on to them if we meet the person who lost them.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah.
Kristen: Lucas turns them upside down.
Kristen (as Lucas): There's only a little dust inside.
Amanda (as Jones): Maybe— maybe they'll be helpful for— for bartering or they can hold our receipts, whatever those are.
Kristen (as Lucas): Receipt boots.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah.
Eric: So funny. Yeah. Well, you got these boots and you have a foot— you have some footprints from the boots leading away. What do you want to do?
Kristen (as Lucas): Well, let's go see where the magic boots came from.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. Alright. You follow— you follow the steps and it kind of goes over to a pit, and you look over the pit, and— and there's just, like, dark blue— like purple blueberry juice kind of splattered everywhere, as there's the body of a blueberry Greenfolk pirate kind of at the bottom of this pit.
Sarah (as Dandy): Does it look intact?
Eric: It does— it looks intact. There's a lot of juice everywhere, and the body is not— does not have any shoes.
Amanda (as Jones): Okay. Maybe we start with the easy one. Bring this one back to life, get its help, get the other crew mate ready.
Kristen (as Lucas): Why is this game so gross?
Amanda (as Jones): Right. That's why I always talked about cleanliness and swabbing the deck.
Eric: Listen, I didn't un— no, that you got— all three of you are gonna be so adorable when I started putting this One Shot together.
Amanda (as Jones): Let's— let's do it. Anyone know what a receipt looks like or where it would be?
Sarah (as Dandy): I think it's a— I think it's a piece of paper.
Amanda (as Jones): Dandy, smarter and smarter every day. Get on in there, champ.
Sarah (as Dandy): I think I prefer to pull this one out.
Sarah: How far away would you say the body is?
Eric: It's a pretty deep pit.
Sarah: Okay.
Eric: It's— I would say like 10, 15 feet, yeah.
Sarah: Okay. I got 30 feet range on this baby. I got 30 feet range—
Amanda: Yeah.
Sarah: —so I'm gonna try and hook the body once again and sort of slowly pull it out.
Eric: I just love Dandy is a— is a grappling hook-based life form.
Sarah: Yeah.
Eric: It's very fun.
Sarah: Why would you— why walk when you can grapple?
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: So true. Jones' minions are gonna gather around the rope after you throw it and—and help you pull up too, if he's small.
Eric: Hell yeah. Okay, cool. And, yeah, Dandy, give me a— give me a dexterity check.
Sarah: Okay. 11.
Eric: And then give me— I want a strength check from the minion— from the little minions.
Amanda: It's a 6. What's wrong with me? Fuck!
Sarah: They're babies. They're just babies.
Eric: Dandy, you hook something and the babies pull— and the babies pull them up. What does it look like when the babies pulled them up?
Amanda: They all heave-ho in unison, like a early 20th-century Disney film.
Sarah: Yes.
Eric: Got it, got it. And you— then you end up pulling up the— the jacket of this pirate.
Sarah (as Dandy): Oh, man.
Eric: And in the pocket is a piece of paper that says— that has the life insurance from Blue Lotus Life and it says, "I am, blah, blah, blah, legalese, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm entitled to one revival on behalf of the Blue Lotus Life Insurance Company."
Sarah (as Dandy): Captain, we got our guy.
Amanda (as Jones): Alright.
Kristen (as Lucas): Okay, let's go turn him into a baby.
Amanda (as Jones): Let's do it.
Kristen: Lucas is gonna— I have webbing, so I can use it to create, like, a rope that goes up to 60 feet and anchor it to a point that I choose. So just gonna, like, stick a little web onto like a rock or the side of the cliff's face and like just joot, joot, joot, joot down to— to the body.
Amanda: Nice. Yeah, Jones will follow and bring the bag of seeds.
Sarah: I will also follow.
Eric: I love all three of you just jumped into this pit.
Sarah (as Dandy): Well, if every— if Lucas is going, like we can't just leave him.
Kristen (as Lucas): It's so sticky.
Eric: Yeah. all three of you jump in the— you jump in this pit.
Sarah: I'm sure this pit is safe.
Eric: Yeah, sure, sure.
Amanda: I'm sure it's safe. I'm sure it's safe.
Sarah: With this dead body at the bottom of it.
Eric: Yeah. I'm sure it's gonna be fine, yeah.
Sarah: I'm sure this pit is safe.
Eric: Yeah, I'm sure it's fine. I'm sure it's fine. Yeah. All three of you are at the bottom of this pit with this— with this body.
Amanda: Yeah, I think— I say—
Amanda (as Jones): Dandy hold—hold it open, alright?
Kristen (as Lucas): The mouth? Gross.
Amanda (as Jones): Lucas, is that a game?
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah.
Amanda (as Jones): Okay.
Kristen (as Lucas): I'll do it, I'll do it. Wait, wait, throw it in the mouth, throw it in the mouth so you can get in. Two points.
Amanda (as Jones): Alright.
Amanda: And so Jones is gonna like mime— like she's gonna like throw an underhand, like, softball throw and then lobs the seed into the mouth of the blueberry person.
Eric: Alright
Kristen (as Lucas): Touch down.
Eric: You can't just like— you just like carnival through this thing into the mouth of this dead body. Yeah. I mean, it's like— it get—goes— it goes in the mouth of this— of this dead pirate, swallows it. And then their eye— they like— their head, which was kind of like filled with blueberry juice, kind of like starts to come back. They're like a more fully humanoid figure, which is a big blueberry head.
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: And their eyes flick open, they go—
Eric (as Stripes): [gasps] Okay, so I guess it wasn't such a bad fall. Alright.
Amanda (as Jones): Are you a baby now?
Eric (as Stripes): I don't— I don't— I wasn't one before. Am I now?
Kristen (as Lucas): You'd be a really big baby if you were me.
Amanda (as Jones): That's true.
Eric (as Stripes): I don't think so. What are you doing— hey, where am I? What's— what's happening?
Sarah (as Dandy): You died. You were dead.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah.
Eric (as Stripes): Oh, oh.
Amanda (as Jones): Luckily, you had this thing called insurance, and we're here to make sure you came back to life.
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah, the cops made it a game.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah.
Eric (as Stripes): I don't know if I should be happy that this insurance actually works or I should be embarrassed that I died— that I died in here. What, um—
Amanda (as Jones): For the right price, we can say that you got bit by a crocodile of the valley.
Eric (as Stripes): Yes. Oh, yeah. Tell me that— that a crocodile attacked me, and rolled me, and then I ended up in a pit— I guess leave the pit out of it. I don't want to be fa— falling into a pit.
Kristen (as Lucas): I love lying.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah. It kind of like drags you deep into a swamp, and then like put you on top of the mountain, and then you— I don't— I don't know, fight your way through, and then punch some— some berry birds in the face, and here you are.
Eric (as Stripes): Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you go with that? I don't know— I didn't get the deluxe telling people how you died package, is that okay?
Amanda (as Jones): This one's off the books, bud.
Eric (as Stripes): Oh, alright. Alright, guys.
Sarah (as Dandy): We also have your boots and maybe you could pay for those back?
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah.
Eric (as Stripes): You have my boo— you're— so you're gonna lie for free, but you're not—you're gonna hold on to my boots for a price?
Sarah (as Dandy): Finders keepers.
Amanda (as Jones): Not— nothing's free.
Sarah(as Dandy): They're Lucas'.
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah, they're magic.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah.
Kristen: Lucas puts them on to have a see.
Kristen (as Lucas): See?
Eric (as Stripes): Why do I— how did I lose my boots?
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah, let's— let's get out of this pit then we can settle up, you know?
Eric (as Stripes): Yeah. Get me out of this pit. I died. I'm— oh, I'm so vain, I'm— lead me out of this pit.
Amanda (as Jones): By the way, in case you need to tell tales of your brave rescuers, Captain Salamander Jones. That there's Dandy, that's Lucas.
Kristen (as Lucas): Hi, we also found an arm.
Sarah (as Dandy): Oh, yeah, do you know this arm?
Sarah: She just holds it up.
Amanda: Sticks it up.
Eric (as Stripes): Why— why— why do you have—why do you have Jimmy's arm?
Amanda (as Jones): Oh, Jimmy.
Sarah (as Dandy): Okay.
Eric (as Stripes): Yeah. Why— hey, why—
Eric: Takes out swords.
Eric (as Stripes): Why do you have Jimmy's arm?
Sarah (as Dandy): We're insurance, we're insurance.
Amanda (as Jones): Three of you have insurance, right?
Eric (as Stripes): Alright. If you're insurance agents, tell me what insurance is.
Sarah (as Dandy): Oh, no! Captain, we're screwed!
Amanda (as Jones): We are subcontractors of insurance. We were tapped to bring these seeds to you.
Amanda: And Jones holds up the bag with the other two seeds in it.
Amanda (as Jones): And this poor fellow's arms the first thing we saw we came up. The— the birds took the rest of them deeper into the cave, so we thought, "Oh, you're right here, get you up, bring you deeper into the cave, find Jimmy."
Eric (as Stripes): Oh, berry vultures. No. Oh. Okay. Fine, I believe you.
Eric: The blueberry holsters their swords.
Eric (as Stripes): Okay. Um, okay, will you— I guess— do you— you need to have all the parts of Jimmy to bring Jimmy back, right?
Amanda (as Jones): Obviously, it's insurance.
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah, like a game, scavenger hunt.
Eric (as Stripes): Okay. I— should I help?
Amanda (as Jones): If— if you care about your crew mate, sure.
Eric (as Stripes): I do. I do. Fine.
Amanda (as Jones): Is there like a friends-to-lovers situation going on here or—
Amanda: Jones loves gossip.
Amanda (as Jones): We can talk about that later. We can talk about that later.
Eric (as Stripes): I don't— how did— I guess you are insurance agents. How did you know about our friends-to-lovers situation?
Amanda: Jones stares at Dandy and Lucas.
Eric (as Stripes): Can we— can we get out of the pit? Let's get out of the pit. Let's get out of the pit.
Eric: Lucas starts crawling out of the pit on the rope, is like—
Kristen (as Lucas): When are you guys gonna get married?
Eric (as Stripes): I just— I just died. I just died. Give me a second.
Kristen (as Lucas): Okay. I want to come to the wedding.
Eric (as Stripes): Fine. Okay.
Sarah (as Dandy): If you die again, it's not our problem. You only had one seed. I just need you to know that.
Amanda (as Jones): Very good point, Dandy. Very good point.
Eric (as Stripes): Yes, we— right. Yeah, we paid for— yeah, we paid for one seed for all of us. You're right. Yup. Uh-hmm. Okay, yeah. I'll help you find Jimmy, and then we'll just— we all leave, and— yeah.
Amanda (as Jones): You'll pay us. We'll take you where you have to go within reason.
Eric (as Stripes): Our ship is on the other side of the cave if it's still there— hopefully, it's still there. Don't— it's— you don't— I'll— we'll get Jimmy put together and then we'll go. It's— it's fine. Just— I would leave this cave. This cave is much more dangerous than it leads on. Don't— I think that we should all leave after this.
Amanda (as Jones): In fact, tell us how you died the first time so we can avoid it now.
Eric (as Stripes): I was eating trail mix, and I choked on it, and then I fell in a pit out of my shoes.
Sarah (as Dandy): That doesn't seem like the cave's fault.
Eric (as Stripes): Well, I didn't know there was a pit, and also, I'm very good at eating trail mix. And Jimmy was behind me and then I guess now is now.
Amanda (as Jones): Was he running for help or—
Eric (as Stripes): I don't know. I don't know. I just— I hit, and then it just kind of went— it just skipped— it just kind of skipped forward. I don't remember any of the— any of the other parts. I just— I ended up— once I fell in the pit, I guess, splat, so—
Kristen (as Lucas): I think Jimmy killed you to get your trail mix.
Eric (as Stripes): I— huh.
Kristen (as Lucas): Let's go find him.
Eric (as Stripes): Okay.
Eric: The blueberry pirate gives a far-off stare.
Amanda (as Jones): What— what's your name, crew mate?
Eric (as Stripes): Oh, you know they call me Stripes.
Amanda (as Jones): 'Cause of your, like, personality or—
Eric (as Stripes): Oh, well, it was the—
Eric: And give— Stripes looks down and their shirt— their red and white striped pirate shirt is just covered— it's just all dark blue, covered in juice and be like—
Eric (as Stripes): And they're stripes, it's stripes. I like— I like stripes.
Amanda (as Jones): Oh. Alright.
Eric (as Stripes): Yeah, let's go for— let's find Jimmy.
Amanda (as Jones): Stripes, the way we operate is I'm in charge when— when the— the stuff meets the sea, when the— when the— when the wind needs the sail, you can listen to my leadership, right?
Eric (as Stripes): Yeah. Yeah, no. Well, you're the captain. I— aye, aye. Sure. Just— let's—
Amanda (as Jones): Alright.
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah. And you'll have to let me ride on your shoulder.
Kristen: And he craw—crawls up and, like, says—
Kristen (as Lucas): Onward.
Eric (as Stripes): Alright. Luc— Lucas can ride on my shoulder. Okay.
Amanda (as Jones): That's the second rule.
Sarah (as Dandy): And— and you have to carry Jimmy's arm.
Amanda (as Jones): And that's the third rule.
Eric (as Stripes): I'll— I'll— I'll carry Jimmy's arm.
Amanda (as Jones): Alright. Onward.
Eric (as Stripes): Just— let— just— you— can we leave after we find Jimmy?
Amanda (as Jones): Well, there's three, right?
Eric (as Stripes): Uh, well, there was three of us. I don't know where— Jimmy was near me, we lost another one. I— it was— it was kind of an expedition. I don't— I don't know. I was dead. I don't know.
Sarah (as Dandy): Hmm. Seems like this being dead thing is a lot of excuses.
Eric (as Stripes): It sounds like I'm lying, I'm not. I just died, came back to life recently. And I'm trying to, like, get back— I just— it was— there was a lot going on. We came into the cave. The cave is dangerous, just— let's go. Let's go.
Amanda: Can I roll insight just to see if he's being duplicitous, or is just like overwhelmed?
Eric: Sure.
Amanda: That's more like it. That's a 17.
Eric: Well, I rolled a 2. Yeah, Stripes, is lying, Stripes is lying about something.
Kristen: Before we move on, can I roll to pickpocket him?
Eric: Sure. Yeah. Give me— give me— give me sleight of hand.
Amanda: Yeah.
Kristen: Okay. Oh, that'd be a 25.
Eric: Jesus Christ, rogues, baby. Rogues.
Amanda: Yeah, baby.
Eric: Yeah. Well— well, Stripes goes, "Uh, Lucas—" you just like [scampering noise] all— all—
Amanda: So many arms.
Eric: And you go through all of— all of his pockets, and you pull out a treasure map.
Amanda: Yes!
Kristen: Can I, like, slide it to the captain, or is that an extra move? Should I like, you know, keep it?
Eric: You can do— you got a 25, you can do whatever you want, my friend.
Kristen: Okay. So, yeah, Lucas is gonna wink one of their many, many eyes, which is actually like— they just, like, winked like in a wave, like down the line. And just sort of, like, handed over to Captain Salamander. And also like— and then looks over at Dandy lightly and winks in the other direction, like "Broop."
Amanda: This should horrify me, but I find it's so cute.
Eric: I do, too. That's kind of a theme of this whole One Shot apparently, I didn't know that—
Amanda: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah. You take a look at— you can take a look at the treasure map really quickly—
Kristen: Okay.
Eric: —because you rolled so well. Yeah, it's a real classic treasure map like a dotted line going around in a circle with an X. You go into this cave, the cave has like— is, like, jagged around it, like it's a jagged circle, which symbolizes the mouth of the cave. You go through, you kind of wind your way through, and it also shows the cave getting narrower, and narrower, and narrower. This also goes—1 then it goes like down— it's like— it's like topography almost, like zooming in on like a 2D version of the cave. And then you kind of go down and then there's a big X at the end— at the end of the cave.
Amanda (as Jones): Onward, crew. Hey, hey, Stripes, you— you go second. Let's have Lucas first, Stripes, Dandy, then myself.
Eric: Yeah. I think with a 25, you can do all this surreptitiously, and Stripes doesn't know that you grabbed— that you grabbed, or looked, or have the— the treasure map. I think this all happened like— while the captain is talking to Stripes, you just like— Lucas does all of this, like, show— puts it on like a slideshow and, like, shows it to all of you.
Amanda: From his shoulder, facing backwards, "Look."
Eric: Yeah. It's like, "Here it is, look at it." And then, like, puts it away. And then, like, by the end— and Luc— like Stripes turns around and Lucas is not doing anything.
Amanda: Yeah. Yeah. That's— that's the— thinks of another Greek letter, that's fi formation, is when all the spider babies pretend that they were wrestling to cover up a distraction.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah. The spider— Lucas and the spider babies are just like tussling and rough housing with each other.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kristen: Yes.
Eric: Sure, sure, sure. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, you— y'all can go.
Kristen: Okay.
Amanda (as Jones): Let's proceed.
Eric: Cool.
Kristen: Lucas will jump off of his shoulder and scurry on ahead as the captain said.
Amanda: Yeah. Let me know what you guys think, but it seems like Lucas has good dark vision, so I— I think Lucas, then Stripes, then Dandy, then me.
Kristen: Yeah.
Eric: Cool. Lucas, Stripes, Dandy. Cool. Yeah.
Amanda: Then— yeah, then Salamander.
Eric: Uh-hmm. Yeah. Y'all can continue forward again as the— as the map shows it starts getting narrower and narrower. Still— still not claustrophobic but it is getting—it is getting smaller. So as you're walking forward, Stripes turns around to Dandy, and says—
Eric (as Stripes): So a good crew. This is a— like a— are you like a cousin? Is this like a mother— you're like— you're like part of this family affair of pirates?
Sarah (as Dandy): We're just— you know, it— we're pretty close to the captain.
Eric (as Stripes): Oh, I thought the captain— so the captain children and the— is not— he's the—
Sarah (as Dandy): No, no, no. They're— they're not related, they're not related. They're not related.
Eric (as Stripes): With spider plants— spi— I guess I got spider plant— spider— I mean, you're a—
Sarah (as Dandy): It's— it's— I can see why that would be a little confusing. Um—
Eric (as Stripes): Yeah.
Sarah (as Dandy): —but really, it's just the captain has her babies, and then Lucas is sort of like our adopted baby.
Eric (as Stripes): Cool. Cool. So— and good, you know, you like— you like it? Good—
Sarah (as Dandy): Yeah— yes, it's pretty— it's pretty good. How was— how was your crew? Would you say pretty— maybe not so reliable, maybe?
Eric (as Stripes): Yeah, no, not great. You know, we got— you know, we— we— we got into an ideological difference—
Sarah (as Dandy): Hmm.
Eric (as Stripes): —and all of the— the pirate ship kind of split into three. So now we all have like three small boats from one big boat. And— well, do you— let me ask, Dandy, do you believe in the salmon?
Sarah: Can I roll to see if I believe in the salmon— or what— what I know about the salmon?
Eric: Yeah, roll history check for me.
Sarah: Okay. 8.
Eric: Okay. So basically, in Verda Stello, in this world that we're— we're living in, so the whole thing about the Great Salt Sea was, like, 50 years ago, there used to be this— this waterfall—
Sarah: Hmm.
Eric: —that brought all the water to Verda Stello. And— but, like, 50 years ago, it dried up. It revealed the Great Salt Sea and kind of kicked off this pirate era. And the whole thing is that the salmon can grant wishes to people who find it, where— that's in this like clear, blue, perfect water, and it's somewhere out here in the Great Salt Sea.
Sarah: Okay.
Eric: And theoretically, if you found it, you would wish for the Cascade to come back and save the world.
Sarah: Okay.
Eric: It's a—but it's like a myth— it's kind of like a myth, almost.
Sarah: Got it. Got it. So I think— I don't think I personally believe in the salmon, but I'm going to be like—
Sarah (as Dandy): Yeah, I believe in the salmon.
Sarah: Just to see where this conversation is gonna go.
Eric (as Stripes): Yeah, I mean, how do you not believe— how do you become a pirate and not believe in the salmon? I thought that was the whole point of what we're doing here.
Sarah (as Dandy): Yeah. It— that would be crazy. I can't imagine what that life would be like. Are you looking for the salmon actively?
Eric (as Stripes): Yeah. I mean, you have to be— like, I know that we get sidetracked doing stuff, fighting each other— fighting each other, like looking for treasure, find— killing monsters and stuff and it's fun, but like you got to be looking for the salmon. But, you know, this thing is like— the reason why no one's found the salmon before is because, like, there's— it's locked up, the salmon is locked up. I think someone has it, and it's somewhere, and that you need to get— find these keys to unlock the salmon. And I think that's kind of the big thing that everyone's missing. But I— and I went with, like, the true believers, me and Jimmy, we were looking for it, so this— you know, I— you— it's just like one of those big questions you got to ask the crew so that you're not like five years in, and then you realize that some of the people on your crew don't believe in the salmon.
Sarah: That's— I'm making like crazy— this guy's crazy eyes at Captain Jones and I'm like—
Sarah (as Dandy): So these keys that you believe you need to unlock the salmon, do you—would you— do you have them as a believer?
Eric (as Stripes): No.
Sarah (as Dandy): Are you looking for them?
Eric (as Stripes): Yeah. I mean, yeah, you gotta look—you gotta be looking for them. You know, I don't know where they are or anything. Like, there's— they're hidden and they're like, I don't know, artifacts, power, and stuff, but like, I— I— I don't know where they are, no.
Sarah (as Dandy): That's crazy. Incredible— incredible theory. Incredible.
Eric (as Stripes): Yeah.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah. If— if only there was some kind of map, you know, leading— leading to valuable things, like—
Eric (as Stripes): No— I mean, there's no map. I'm just— you know, my— I'm just—
Amanda (as Jones): —keys, salmon, whatever that is, you know, bodies of your crewmates.
Eric (as Stripes): I don't know. I just—yeah. Captain, yeah, yeah, if you're a— you know, if you're a believer, you should— should ask your captain about it before it's too late.
Sarah: I— I—
Amanda: It's like someone's trying to unionize a Starbucks really quietly.
Sarah: It is.
Eric (as Stripes): I don't— yeah. No, cap— yeah, captain. Yeah, you're always looking for— yeah, always— yeah. Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm. So where's— yeah. Let's look for Jimmy. I mean, where did you— did you see the vultures flying off anywhere?
Sarah (as Dandy): This way.
Eric: Okay. Yeah. So here's how this is gonna go, if you want to find the pieces of Jimmy—
Sarah: Uh-huh.
Eric: —I want you— you're going to have to make investigation checks to see if you could figure out where the vulture— where the vultures have— have posted up. If you— if you roll high enough, you can find— you can find them super easily. If you roll middling, yes, you can find him, but it's gonna be a problem. And if you don't, if you roll poorly, then you're going to have a problem and you can't find him, alright? So I'm gonna need rolls from all of you.
Sarah: Okay.
Eric: I need at least two successes here for you to find the two pieces of Jimmy.
Sarah: Okay.
Amanda: Alright.
Sarah: Okay, Jimmy, this is for you, buddy.
Amanda: For the game.
Amanda (as Jones): This first, treasure next, everyone, yeah?
Kristen: So 14 from Lucas.
Eric: 14.
Sarah: I rolled a 7.
Amanda: 8.
Sarah: Oh, no, Jimmy!
Eric: Incredible. Alright. I'm gonna need wisdom-saving throws from everyone.
Sarah: Okay.
Kristen: Oh, no! I don't want to do that.
Amanda: That's a 10. Is that good?
Sarah: I got an 11. 4.
Amanda: Sarah, we're on the same wavelength.
Sarah: I need to get like— I'm like, what other dice do— can I possibly be using right now?
Amanda: I know. Like cycling between D 20s.
Eric: 4. Alright, give me a dex— give me a strength saving throw as well.
Amanda: Oh, boy.
Sarah: Oh, God. Oh, I have so little strength, I'm so slow.
Kristen: 11.
Sarah: 11.
Eric: 11.
Sarah: Same. Twinsies.
Kristen: Oh, 16.
Eric: Oh,16?
Kristen: Okay.
Eric: Alright. So, there's—
Amanda: Damn. We— we should let the baby pirate this— pilot this crew.
Kristen: Yeah. Lucas is carrying us.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Okay.
Sarah: Well, Kristen is rolling really well.
Eric: Okay. I need everyone to take 14 points of damage—
Sarah: Perfect.
Eric: —as we do a qui— as we do a quick cave looking around montage for first— some slugs fall from the ceiling and stick to your head— and stick your heads and mind control you all for a second, and runs you all— run you all into the wall. And then some rocks— and then— and then another thing happens as like the— the cave walls, like, snap closed and, like, slam you all together.
Sarah (as Dandy): Ahh! Captain, I think I know why people died here now.
Amanda (as Jones): I hate land!
Kristen: Lucas is gonna go—
Kristen (as Lucas): Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Eric: And as you stumbled— as you stumble through, you see that there is a— you see that up— up kind of like— there's a— there's like a tree. There's almost like— I guess it's like a tree— it's almost like an overgrown bush that's grown, like, 10 feet tall that one of the berry— that one of the berry vultures is roosting— is roosting in at the moment. Holding— holding the legs of a cauliflower pirate.
Sarah (as Dandy): Captain, Jimmy's legs.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah.
Kristen (as Lucas): He's got the leg.
Amanda (as Jones): Alright, folks. Epsilon formation.
Amanda: I'm like thinking desperately of sororities. So I'm going to send— I'm going to send my spider plant cohort forward.
Eric: Sure. What do they sound like?
Amanda: [screams]
Eric: Sure. Yeah, the spider plants run forward, what you want them to do?
Amanda: Okay. I have like a character sheet for each of them, so I'm just trying to compare the two.
Eric: That's so cute.
Amanda: Yeah. So their favorite thing to do is man a javelin, two of them per javelin, so they're gonna run forward and then launch a javelin at the bird.
Eric: And throw the javelins at the bird?
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, sure. Give me two attack rolls, then.
Amanda: The first one is a 10 to hit.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Fuck! Next to 9 to hit.
Eric: No, that's not going to do it. As a javelin go, "Vooo, vooo!" And the— the vulture seems unbothered, that is like gnaws— as it gnaws at a foot.
Kristen: Okay, how— how much would you say this foot weighs?
Eric: I mean, it's the whole bottom half of a pirate, so it'd be like seven— it would probably be like, I don't know, a malnourished pirate, like 70, 60 pounds.
Sarah: How high up is this bird?
Eric: It's like 10, 15 feet up on this, like, over— this like— kind of like weird— weird plant that's grow in the middle— that is growing in the middle of this cave.
Sarah: Okay. I'm going to try and use it as a bonus action grappling hook the 15 feet up to the bir— up to the bird.
Eric: Okay.
Sarah: And then I'm going to use my force weapon, so I'm going to attack with that.
Eric: Hell yeah.
Sarah: Okay, let me see if it hits.
Eric: What's your— what's your force weapon, tell me, what does it look like?
Sarah: So force weapon is basically like an invisible weapon that kind of like comes out. It's like a dagger, it's like a magical dagger.
Eric: Hmm. Nice.
Sarah: And I can attack twice with it.
Amanda: Whoa.
Eric: Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, you grapple—
Sarah: Yeah.
Amanda: Ooh.
Eric: Yeah, you can grapple, hook up, and then attack twice for me.
Sarah: Okay. So this is the first one, it's a 16.
Eric: Okay, that hits.
Sarah: Okay. And then because I am level 5, I get to do— let's see. So it's 1D10 per attack, but I'm going to use— this is when it gets complicated.
Eric: Sure.
Sarah: It's 1D10 per attack, I get two attacks, and I'm going to add— let's see, it's called Warmage edge, so I get one more damage dice on this first attack, so I get another D10, and then I add 3.
Amanda: Whoa.
Eric: Okay. Why don't you attack again and we'll do all the damage together.
Sarah: Okay.
Kristen: We're gonna pulverized this bird.
Amanda: Hell yeah, dude.
Sarah: So this is attack number one.
Kristen: I love this.
Sarah: It's a 20, I got 2 10s.
Eric: Oh, okay.
Sarah: So then it plus-- this is just the first attack and then it's plus 3, so it's—
Eric: Yeah. I mean, you do it. It's fine, yeah. You know, you do it.
Sarah: It's 23.
Eric: Yeah, you're attacking a single vul— you're attacking a single berry vulture, you got it.
Amanda: Whoa.
Eric: So—
Sarah: Went up there and just marked it.
Eric: Yeah, all of a sudden, Dandy's like, "I got it." Grapples hook— grappling hook and go—and what's your— so is it dagger is your force weapon?
Sarah: Yeah.
Eric: And you're just like, "Pop. Pop!
Amanda: Sally is weeping openly.
Amanda (as Jones): I'm so proud of you.
Eric: Just crackling— and of course, it's just like crackling with energy as you're doing it.
Sarah: The— the cave has pushed me to my— the limits that I didn't know I truly had within me.
Kristen: Yes.
Eric: Yeah. And it's crackling with energy, and the— the bottom half of this pirate kind of falls out of the tree and lands on the ground.
Amanda (as Jones): Lucas, add it to the pile.
Kristen: Lucas is gonna scurry over and get the— and get the leg and sort of use a webbing to like, web— you know, just make like a little bundle. It's funny because actually jumping spiders don't make webs. They make, like, weird little cocoons out of their—
Amanda: Ooh.
Eric: Ooh.
Kristen: —silk, so he just makes a little cocoon for it.
Amanda: Cute.
Eric (as Stripes): Okay. This is horrible. I hate watching this.
Amanda (as Jones): What— what do you mean, Stripes?
Kristen: Lucas is also going to run— like scurry over to— like scurry over to Dandy Lightly and be like—
Kristen (as Lucas): That was awesome.
Kristen: And they have a little secret handshake.
Amanda: Cute. Meanwhile, captain turns to Stripes and says—
Amanda (as Jones): What do you mean? This is awesome, we got— we got two-thirds of your crew mate back.
Eric (as Stripes): I just don't like watching putting Jimmy back together. It's not— I'm not enjoying this. I know I was dead and this happened, but like I was dead—
Sarah (as Dandy): Man, you should've seen what you were dealing with when you were dead.
Eric (as Stripes): What? I probably look fine and cool.
Amanda (as Jones): No.
Kristen (as Lucas): You were very sticky.
Amanda (as Jones): You look— you look like someone was on their first sea voyage and didn't get their sea legs 'till, oh, three to four weeks in.
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah, I had to open your mouth.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah.
Eric (as Stripes): I guess I did— I didn't fall out of my shoes into a pit and then died, so—
Amanda (as Jones): You're a whole—
Amanda: Jones gestures at his head—
Amanda (as Jones): Was kinda—
Amanda: And then makes a pancake with her hands.
Eric(as Stripes): Sure. Okay. Okay. Gross, gross, and terrible, gross.
Eric: Alright, give me more investigation checks, folks. I need one success, baby. One success.
Sarah: Okay.
Kristen: Alright.
Sarah: [dice roll] 18.
Kristen: Alright.
Sarah: I swapped my dice out.
Eric: Let's go.
Kristen: I got an 18.
Amanda: Alright, I got—
Kristen: I got a 19.
Amanda: —I got a 12.
Eric: Whoa. Alright.
Kristen: Whoa.
Eric: That'll do it. Hell yeah.
Amanda: Sarah, burn that first pair of dice.
Sarah: Yeah.
Amanda: It doesn't matter what the material is, just burn it. Uh-hmm.
Sarah: They're gone. They're gone.
Eric: Yeah. I think— I think that 18— that— what was the other— what did you get, Kristen?
Kristen: I got a 19, which is insane.
Eric: Oh, yes. You got two successes, alright. Would you like— I can give you— I can give you an option here. Do you want to find Jimmy's— Jimmy's third piece just in a very easy— actually, no, I'm just gonna do that. Screw it, screw it. As you— as you pick— you wrap Jimmy up and you walk further in the cave, you hear [caws] and then— and then just a large thump, and— and Jimmy's like— majority of his torso and his head just falls out of the ground. A big, big puffy cauliflower head with, like, a giant oversized bandana tied— tied around it, and this is the third piece of Jimmy.
Amanda (as Jones): That's a— that's an easy target when your head is that big and you wrap something colorful around it.
Kristen (as Lucas): Oh, gross.
Kristen: Gonna scurry over with the other parts.
Amanda: Yeah. And Jones will kind of, like, drag Stripes over as well with the— with the initial arm and shoulder.
Eric (as Stripes): I don't want to— I don't want to look at it. I'm not going to look at it. I'm not going to look at it.
Amanda (as Jones): Your mate needs you, bud.
Eric (as Stripes): I'm not gonna look at it. You do it, just do it.
Amanda: Jones puts her hands on him— on Stripe's shoulders.
Amanda (as Jones): If you don't show up for him. Now you're gonna regret it for the rest of your days.
Eric (as Stripes): What do I— what do you mean showing up?
Amanda (as Jones): Show up for him. Be here, be a witness to your crew.
Sarah: I put— I put the seed in— in Stripes' hands.
Eric (as Stripes): Oh, no.
Sarah (as Dandy): He needs you.
Kristen (as Lucas): You should do it. He's your buddy.
Amanda (as Jones): In his mouth, in his mouth, in his mouth.
Sarah (as Dandy): In his mouth, in his mouth.
Kristen (as Lucas): Turn him into a baby.
Eric (as Stripes): Uh, okay.
Amanda: Can I do a persuasion check, Eric? Because with my born leader feat, I do get advantage on anything related to giving orders in a dangerous situation.
Eric: Yeah, sure.
Kristen: Yes, I love this.
Amanda: Great. Okay, 9. Alright. That's a 9 plus— that's a— that's an 11 right there.
Eric: Okay.
Eric (as Stripes): I'm like, yeah—
Eric: It's a five. I rolled a 5.
Amanda: Great.
Eric: I'm like—
Eric (as Stripes): Fine. Oh, just push them together.
Amanda (as Jones): Sewing fairy, wherever you reside, we could really use your help right now.
Sarah: I— I sigh and I take out my— my needle and thread, and I work as quickly as possible. And I go—
Sarah (as Dandy): Nobody look, if you look, the fairy will leave.
Amanda: Yeah, Jones is just looking at the ceiling, muttering, hands clasped.
Kristen: Lucas is like— like several feet away, playing with a rock. Like he's forgotten what we're doing.
Eric: Stripes is fi— Stripes didn't want to look in the first place. That's fine.
Eric (as Stripes): Like, okay, fine.
Eric: Yeah, Jimmy as— and as Jimmy has sewn up, Stripes puts the seed in Jimmy's mouth, opens it, and then delicately closes it. And, like, see— the energy flows through Jimmy's body, the stitches fade away as Jimmy's fully— full body incorporates together and goes—
Amanda (as Jones): Welcome, welcome.
Kristen (as Lucas): Are you guys gonna get married?
Amanda (as Jones): We— we can— we can witness it.
Sarah (as Dandy): We got a captain. We got a captain right here.
Amanda (as Jones): I— I'm basically also a priest, yeah.
Sarah: Wait, can I try to fix his pockets?
Eric: Jimmy— Jimmy sits up and Stripes— and Stripes says—
Eric (as Stripes): Jimmy, run!
Eric: And Jimmy scre— and Jimmy get— Jimmy pushes off and sprints away as does—
Sarah (as Dandy): Whoa.
Eric: —as does Stripes. And starts— and just runs.
Sarah (as Dandy): That was weird.
Kristen: Can we chase them?
Eric: If you want to.
Amanda (as Jones): Lucas, do your webby thing.
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah.
Kristen: Okay. So my webs aren't very strong, so I can't, like, snag them and keep them from going.
Amanda: Yeah.
Kristen: But I can just, like, chase them.
Amanda: Yeah, let's chase them.
Kristen (as Lucas): We need your receipt.
Sarah: How far away would you say they are?
Eric: Well, it's fine, because as Stripes run— runs away, Jimmy rolled a Natural One and then just— and just absolutely trip— beefs it.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: —trips over a root, and just beefs it into the ground.
Amanda: Jones sends her cohort forward in Gulliver's Travels style, like, pins down Jimmy on the floor.
Eric (as Jimmy): Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why— why are the insurance— why is the insurance man so intense?
Kristen: I think— I'd love for Lucas to like scurry up like onto Jimmy's chest and try to intimidate Jimmy and to— to be like—
Kristen (as Lucas):Tell the truth.
Kristen: And then, like, I actually have like a plus 5 to intimidation because I can like stick out my fangs and suddenly be very unsettling.
Eric: God.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, give me intimidation check.
Kristen: Come on good rolls, 16, so that'd be a Dirty 21.
Eric: Wow.
Sarah: Oh, my gosh.
Eric (as Jimmy): Oh, what—
Kristen: So, yes, Lucas is gonna scurry up and is like—
Sarah (as Dandy): This is the scariest I've seen Lucas.
Eric (as Jimmy): Okay. So— well, I didn't pay. I didn't— we didn't have no money for three revives. I didn't pay. Fine. Sorry. I was trying to run out on the bill.
Kristen (as Lucas): Oh.
Kristen: And just gets really cute again.
Amanda (as Jones): Okay, so what kinda like Amber have you got to make that worth our while?
Eric (as Jimmy): I don't. I don't have anything.
Amanda: Bad answer. You're coming with us 'till we find the third of your crew. Did they pay?
Eric (as Jimmy): Yeah, we paid for two— we paid for two.
Amanda (as Jones): Great.
Eric (as Jimmy): I was supposed to not die.
Amanda (as Jones): Okay. You failed. So help us find the third person or else they're not gonna get back to life.
Eric (as Jimmy): Stripes, what are you— what do you think?
Eric: Stripes is like 30 feet away down the cave, being like—
Eric (as Stripes): Jimmy, we're still— why are you still here? Fine. Okay. I'll show you.
Eric: And Stripes goes into— goes into his pocket, and tries to pull out, something like—
Eric (as Stripes): Um—
Amanda (as Jones): Oh, is this the— there was a hole in the pocket where all the Amber was trick? This isn't my first time around the tides.
Eric (as Stripes): No, I was gonna tell you about the—
Sarah (as Dandy): Captain, I think he's looking for the map, the super secret map that we don't know anything about.
Amanda (as Jones): Dandy—
Sarah (as Dandy): I'm sorry.
Kristen: Lucas is gonna— could take the map from the captain and be like—
Kristen (as Lucas): You dropped this.
Sarah (as Dandy): I just love being right.
Eric (as Stripes): Oh, my God. Yes, it's a super secret map and there's a super secret treasure at the end, but it seems like it's not worth it, so I think we should all just go.
Amanda (as Jones): We're all going to go to the treasurer, get it, and then we're going to keep it while y'all go home.
Kristen (as Lucas): Okay, for your insurance receipts.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah.
Eric (as Stripes): Fine. Okay, fine.
Eric: Stripes pulls out and says—
Eric (as Stripes): Okay, here. Look, look, look at our— you have my receipt, look at the receipt.
Kristen (as Lucas): I can't read.
Eric: The receipt says, blah, blah, blah, the thing, and there's only— yeah, they paid for two—they paid for two. And it's like— it's like this is one receipt of a— of a multiple of two. It's like on— on the final page for like the fi— the final, like, itemized receipt at the— on the last page. It's like, "This is one of two life reviver receipts."
Amanda (as Jones): Well, you've paid for two, we've used two, therefore, if we find your third crewmate, they're gonna have to make it worth our while. Y'all go first, let's go to the treasure chest.
Eric (as Stripes): Damn it, Jimmy.
Eric (as Jimmy): You also died. What do you mean? We both died. It wasn't just me.
Eric (as Stripes): I—
Kristen: Lucas is gonna jump up on Dandy Lightly's shoulder and just— just as they're walking, they'd be like—
Kristen (as Lucas): I think they're gonna get married.
Sarah (as Dandy): They're in a bit of a rough patch right now, but maybe they can hash it out in the future.
Eric: Incredible. Alright. Yeah, you're leading Jimmy— Jimmy and Stripes are led in the fro— are in the lead in the front as they— as they head down. It starts to— the cave starts to slope down as well. Everything is still brilliant, like— like, embedded into the walls of this cave, like pink, and green, and blue, and yellow, just shim— it's just— it's just like bright colors even in this light, even in the darkness of this cave.
Amanda (as Jones): You ever think about how at its most beautiful land looks a lot worse than the sea at sunrise?
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah, I think about that all the time. The land doesn't move very much, and it sucks.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah. I— I know you get it, Lucas.
Sarah (as Dandy): It's not— I mean, it's not that bad, guys. Like, it's so— this cave is pretty— you know, not the worst cave I've been in.
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah, but like, you know, how much dirt is on a boat? Like, there's a little bit of dirt on a boat. But like, you know how much dirt is on the land? It's like all of it.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah.
Kristen (as Lucas): And that's a lot of dirt.
Amanda (as Jones): And there's some place on the land not even any water there you can get to. It's like, what? How do you escape?
Sarah (as Dandy): That's true. There's no caves at sea.
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah, I think you're right.
Sarah (as Dandy): You guys win.
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah, there's no caves in boats.
Amanda (as Jones): Dandy, I will say your land knowledge of insurance has come in handy today.
Eric: Yeah.
Sarah (as Dandy): Has it, captain? I appreciate that.
Amanda (as Jones): You're welcome.
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah, can you tell me why mountains are like that?
Sarah (as Dandy): Like what, Lucas?
Kristen (as Lucas): You know, you—big?
Eric (as Stripes): You're already pointing swords at us. Can we not do this? Also, this is torture. This is torture.
Sarah (as Dandy): I'm trying to enrich Lucas' life.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah.
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah, I want to be rich.
Amanda (as Jones): The faster you walk, the faster we'll be done.
Eric (as Stripes): Alright, we're going, we're walking, we're going, we're going.
Eric: Alright. The— the cave starts to slope down and then land— and it's getting like a claustrophob— it's getting like really tight at this point. You're— you're almost in this, like, final anti-chamber here, it doesn't look like it goes— it doesn't look like it goes any farther. But it is certainly— it's certainly tight. You're in a small— like a small domed room almost. Sitting in the middle of— in the middle of this room, you noticed two things immediately. The first is that there is the dead body of a moth pirate. The moth has like a bunch of, like, gold earring piercings in their wings.
Sarah: Hmm.
Eric: Lots of them, like 10 going up and down each wing.
Amanda (as Jones): A true pirate.
Eric: Which makes them look like a cool pirate, absolutely. And they're— that's kind of like a few feet away from the main thing that catches your eye, which is this pedestal that has a deep red key on it. It is kind of like Ruby all the way through. And as you look, you see that the handle has these big forms coming out of it. The key is about the size of like a small— of like a medium sized cat, I would say. Something you can hold in two hands, but it would be hard to hold with one unless you were stro— unless you were strong. And it is perched delicately on this— on this— on this pedestal, which has the same coloring as the rest of the— of the rest of the cave. It's not— this isn't like it's separate— a separate piece of furniture. It's almost like— it's a natural formation of this—
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: —pedestal which is—as it looks the same as the cave.
Amanda: Jones wants to like crouch down and look at the moth person. How do I think they died?
Eric: Investigation Check, please. Good question.
Amanda: Oh, hell yeah.
Eric: Yeah, advan—a good— a good question. I'll give you advantage.
Amanda: Oh, thank you. [dice roll] Alright, that is a 22.
Eric: 22.
Kristen: Ooh.
Eric: let me look at my notes.
Amanda: This die has a little shell inside. I love him.
Sarah: Oh, it's perfect.
Eric: You get up close to the moth, and you see there's a bunch of really, really small holes, kind of like in a big line down the side of the moth. It's almost like acupuncture or maybe something that went a little bit deeper, and there's a lot of them.
Sarah: Hmm.
Amanda (as Jones): So, Lucas, this here is called an inference. Lots of— lots of sharp thorns on— on the treasure over there. Lots of little holes in this unfortunate pirate.
Eric: Ah, that's the thing. On the key, there are big thorns. They are like big rose thorns that you can see that's all throughout the key. These are very, very, very small.
Kristen: Can I look around the cave and see if I see anything?
Eric: Yeah. Make a— make an Investigation Check.
Kristen: Okay. Meanwhile Lucas is like—
Kristen (as Lucas): Inference means hole. Okay.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah.
Kristen: Okay, got a 10.
Eric: 10. You're looking around the cave. You noticed that at the mouth of the cave, the vultures were kind of perching on something and then the— the map had those spikes that are around the mouth of the mouth of the cave. You're seeing that there are like little— there are sharp outcroppings kind of in— throughout this entire room as well. There's like things are jutting out that are also sharp.
Amanda (as Jones): Maybe if you try to take the key, a bunch of little Earth thorns shoot out at you.
Kristen (as Lucas): I can use my web. I can— I can— I'll just pew, and then I'll pew.
Amanda (as Jones): Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Kristen (as Lucas): And I'll pull it up.
Sarah: I'm gonna slowly back out of the room.
Amanda: Yeah, no, we should all stand in the doorway. That's a great idea.
Kristen: Because I can go— well, as long as the key weighs less than 10 pounds and is within 60 feet.
Eric: The key weighs less than 10 pounds, yeah.
Kristen: Okay. So I'm gonna, like, scurry maybe into the doorway.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Kristen: And I'd like to use my webbing. I don't think I've been—
Amanda: Yeah. No, all of us will get behind Lucas crowded into the doorway.
Kristen: Yeah. And then create a temporary rope, pull an unattended object. Lucas will then snatch a small object weighing less than 10 pounds. Yeah.
Amanda: And Kristen, before you do this, the captain will— will kind of give a little touch to the forehead with her— with her three kind of fingers of you, and I'm going to use my brace feature of—
Eric: Ooh.
Amanda: —my Captain class so that means that I use one of my two battle die to give you an extra D8 which you can add to any saving throws it makes 'till the end of my next turn.
Kristen: Nice.
Eric: Hmm.
Amanda: Just in case you need it.
Eric: Okay.
Kristen: Cool. It doesn't—I don't have a roll for this. It's just a type of movement.
Eric: You just— you just can— you just do it and you can grab it?
Kristen: Yeah, you can project a line of web as a bonus— oh, as a bonus action.
Eric: That's fine. It's fine. Don't worry about it, dawg.
Kristen: Yeah. Yeah. That's it.
Eric: Okay. So you want to shoot— you're going to shoot out and grab the key?
Kristen: Yeah, just little like— you know, very— very Spider-Man.
Sarah (as Dandy): Shoot your shot.
Amanda: We all crouch, brace ourselves.
Kristen: And I'm going to, "Yoink," and pull it back towards us.
Eric: You pull the key towards you, and then the— the pedestal starts to sink into the ground. And then the whole cave starts to shake, and the walls start moving closer and closer together. And then, "Ka-chish." And you see that all these jagged teeth, ra— razor sharp teeth started coming out of— coming out of the wall, but it's not just the wall in this room, it's the walls everywhere.
Sarah (as Dandy): Put it back, put it back, put it back.
Sarah: Can I do that? I don't know if I can do that.
Eric: You can put up it— do you want to put it back?
Sarah: Yes. Yes, I would love to.
Eric: Okay. And then it go— and then it goes, "Pshh," as the pedestal goes back and the walls return.
Sarah (as Dandy): That was a close one.
Kristen (as Lucas): That's a lot of teeth.
Amanda (as Jones): Okay. So now, we know. Crew, vote on, do we save this moth person or not?
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah. I want to throw it in his mouth this time.
Amanda (as Jones): Alright.
Amanda: Jones is gonna give one of the seeds to Lucas. And then I have a bunch of like, you know, papers, ink perfume, wax, soap, random shit in my pack. Can I, like, hold them up next to the key to try to assess with my eyes what will be an equal weight.
Eric: Hmm. Hmm. Interesting. Interesting.
Kristen: I'm going to Indiana Jones this shit.
Sarah: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Uh-hmm. I have a small chest, I have two cases for maps and scrolls, nice clothes.
Eric: Yeah, give me intelligence check.
Amanda: 7.
Eric: Yeah, it'd be hard to figure out how— how— without picking the key up, it would be hard to figure out how much— how much something equivalent it— it weighs.
Amanda (as Jones): Guys, do you think if I, like, pick it up and put it right back down, that'll be okay?
Kristen (as Lucas): I mean, it took a second before the teeth that came out.
Eric: Lucas, actually, give me a constitution check really quick—quickly. It is a saving throw, it is a saving throw so you can use the brace if you'd like.
Kristen: Okay. So you add a D8?
Eric: You add a D8 to it.
Kristen: Okay, great.
Eric: Constitution check.
Kristen: I rolled a 14. So it'd be 15 and— but plus a D8.
Eric: Oh.
Kristen: That'll be 17.
Eric: 17. Alright. With a 17, take one point of damage as— when you grab the key, you slice open your hand a little bit, but it's okay. You can— you kind of put it— you put a napkin on it. You put a napkin on it and you press it, You press it, and— and everything's alright.
Kristen (as Lucas): I'm a pirate, it happens.
Sarah: Can I sidebar with Stripes and be like—
Sarah (as Dandy): Is this your magic— is this your magic fish key, Stripes? What do you think?
Eric (as Stripes): Oh, my magic fish key?
Sarah (as Dandy): Yes. Is this your magic fish key?
Eric (as Stripes): I thought it was our magic fish key.
Sarah (as Dandy): Oh sorry, our— is it our magic fish key, my brother in salmon-tude?
Eric (as Stripes): I get— if you— if you're just trying to make conversation, then don't— it— I believe in it. If you don't believe in it, it just feels bad when you try— you're lying to me.
Sarah (as Dandy): No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not like lie— I— you know what? I love the salmon. Okay? Every day I wake up and I think about the first thing my mind, finding the salmon.
Eric (as Stripes): Sure.
Sarah (as Dandy): Second thing in my mind, saving the role of my wish. Okay? That's how committed I am to this.
Amanda (as Jones): Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Stripes): Huh, Oka—.
Sarah: And then I grabbed both of his shoulders and I go—
Sarah (as Dandy): You died to get this key! You died. Look me in the eye, and tell me if this is worth to save your life and maybe your life again?
Eric (as Stripes): This is— yes, it's worth—well, no— I don't—I —yes. Okay, we know where it is, let's leave. Let's just— I don't want to— I died. We all died. I hate this. I hate this.
Sarah (as Dandy): There's no way in this situation, my brother in salmon-tude. Listen, you died.
Eric (as Stripes): When I die, nothing happened. Nothing happened after it. I'm very shaken by it. So can we just— I just want to leave. I just— I don't—
Sarah (as Dandy): Are you having a crisis of faith right now?
Eric (as Stripes): It's not worth it. This isn't worth it. This isn't worth it.
Sarah (as Dandy): Stripes—
Eric (as Stripes): Leave—
Amanda (as Jones): First, let's bring your— your crew mate back.
Sarah (as Dandy): I may have pushed Stripes too far.
Eric (as Stripes): Because—
Kristen: Oh, yeah. Meanwhile, I'm like— I've, like, put the seed in— yeah.
Sarah: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Kristen: —in the moth's mouth, and I'm like make— moving his jaw to, like, pretend he's chewing like [chewing noise]
Amanda (as Jones): Lucas, dead bodies, not toys.
Kristen (as Lucas): But look how he's funny, look at his face.
Kristen: I squish his face.
Amanda (as Jones): Until he wakes up, you're okay. You're okay.
Eric: (as Luis): Well, I don't have— I'm-- I don't have— I don't have the key!
Eric: And the moth,—the moth sits up.
Eric (as Luis): Don't touch it! Don't touch it!
Kristen: Lucas hops off and went a little like—
Kristen (as Lucas): Wow.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah, my— my child's cremate over there found that out, but didn't— didn't die.
Eric (as Luis): No, we're going. Stripes, Jimmy, shut up, we're leaving.
Eric: As the moth man— the moth pushes— the moth pushes back everyone and just— and grabs Stripes and Jimmy.
Amanda (as Jones): Okay, you owe us for one life-saving seed, but great.
Eric (as Luis): I don't care. We won't—none of us will be able to do anything about it if we don't leave this giant Venus flytrap.
Kristen (as Lucas): Oh.
Amanda (as Jones): Oh.
Eric (as Luis): Just leave it, we're going.
Eric: And the moth is like—
Eric (as Luis): Alright, bye. See you. Bye.
Eric: As Stripes is— Stripes is like—
Eric (as Stripes): I don't know. I don't know what I believe.
Eric: Jimmy is like—
Eric (as Jimmy): Bye, see you later. It was nice to meet all of you. Don't come after us.
Sarah (as Dandy): You owe us money. See you in the future, debt collectors.
Eric (as Jimmy): Yeah. Collect it late— collect it later.
Amanda (as Jones): Yes. Like with one eye open, we'll be right on your tail.
Eric (as Jimmy): Okay.
Kristen (as Lucas): You looked funny when you were dead.
Amanda (as Jones): Uh, crew?
Sarah (as Dandy): Yes.
Amanda (as Jones): What do we think?
Kristen (as Lucas): Are we in its mouth?
Amanda (as Jones): That's what I'm guessing.
Kristen (as Lucas): I think we should make it sneeze.
Amanda (as Jones): That's a great idea.
Kristen (as Lucas): And then it'll go, "Pthu." And then the— the key will go “pthu”, you know?
Amanda (as Jones): Yes. Okay. Lucas, grab onto the key with your web, don't pull it yet.
Kristen (as Lucas): Okay.
Amanda (as Jones): Great.
Kristen: Shoots my little web.
Amanda (as Jones): Dandy, you got any some snacks in there?
Sarah (as Dandy): I have one hardtack, which is what I assume I would have because I'm a pirate.
Amanda (as Jones): Great.
Eric: Why don't you roll— give me a D 20 roll right now to see if you have something tasty, Sarah.
Sarah: Okay. I hope it's— see, guys, I hope it Stripes' emergency granola.
Amanda: Spicy is what I'm hoping for.
Eric: Oh, spicy. Spicy, yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Yeah, like pepper, yeah— something.
Sarah: 19.
Eric: Okay. You got some of the spicy, what do you have?
Sarah (as Dandy): I got some of this spicy-covered nuts. These spicy nuts.
Amanda: Nice.
Sarah: These spicy nuts.
Kristen: These nuts, you mean?
Sarah: I got some these nuts and they're spicy.
Amanda: They're called, like, these nuts for pirates.
Eric: Yar! Keep your hands off these nuts.
Sarah: Off my nuts.
Amanda: Yup.
Eric: That's what's on the package.
Amanda: Yeah. Incredible.
Eric: Oh, my god.
Amanda (as Jones): Alright, keep them in— keep them in the package. Smush them up to be a powder. On three, you're going to open the packet splatter it all around, okay?
Sarah (as Dandy): Okay.
Amanda: And then out of her pack, Jones is going to grab some of the things she was kind of weighing up earlier, a bottle of ink, two flax of oil, and a vial of perfume as well as a bar of soap.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: The most pungent things that she can— she can come up with.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda (as Jones): Alright. So on three, I'm gonna throw these at the walls of the cave. We're gonna— you're gonna— you're gonna get the— the spicy nuts all over the place, Dandy.
Sarah (as Dandy): Uh-hmm.
Amanda (as Jones): And then, Lucas we're gonna—
Kristen (as Lucas): I'm gonna pull the key.
Amanda (as Jones): Gonna yank and run. Ready?
Kristen (as Lucas): Yank and run.
Amanda (as Jones): Okay. Yeah.
Kristen (as Lucas): Ready, Captain?
Amanda (as Jones): Alright. Folks, this is it. It's been an absolute honor. 1,2,3!
Sarah (as Dandy): Go, my nuts!
Kristen: I'm gonna go—I'm gonna pull the key.
Amanda: And Jones—Jones smashes the bottle of perfume and the bar of soap against the wall of the cave.
Eric: Okay. Alright. Alright. Sure. Okay.
Amanda: Yeah.
Sarah: Yeah. I'm sure it works.
Amanda: Eric, is this good?
Sarah: I'm sure there's no reason why it wouldn't work.
Amanda: Do you like this?
Kristen: Eric, do you like— do you like this game? Are you having a good time?
Amanda: Why wouldn't you let an 8-year-old make your choices?
Eric: Alright. I'm gonna need— I'm gonna need everyone to make a dexterity saving throw.
Amanda: Sure.
Sarah: 13.
Amanda: 5.
Kristen: Oof. 9.
Sarah: Okay.
Eric: As you smash these things on the ground, you— the cave starts to shake, and you hear, "Ah, ah, ah-choo!" As you are all throw— as you were thrown out of the— shot out of the cave, just flying, bouncing, hitting the walls. Each of you bouncing through, you can hear— the light hits you as you're thrown out of the cave. And even with the dexterity saving throw, I'm rolling for some goddamn damage, folks.
Amanda: It's fair.
Sarah: Yeah, that's—
Eric: Alright, I'm rolling.
Amanda: Eric, as we're flailing around, flying out of the cave, can I take a bonus action?
Eric: Sure.
Amanda: I'm gonna use my other battle die. Where you guys at hit point-wise?
Sarah: I'm at 28.
Kristen: I'm at 24.
Amanda: Okay. I will— I'll use rally to have Lucas regained some hit points equal to D8 plus my charisma. Okay. So, Lucas, you get 8 more hit points.
Kristen: Thank you. Can I use my bonus grappling hook to not hit maybe some walls?
Eric: You all failed.
Kristen: We should've gotten insurance, guys. I think that's the lesson here.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Yeah
Eric: Here's what happened, folks. You all failed the DC roll by the way—
Kristen: No!
Eric: —which it was— it was 15 in my head, right?
Amanda: Sure, sure.
Eric: You all failed the roll, I rolled 4 D 10, right? How much HP do all of you have?
Amanda: 16.
Eric: 16.
Sarah: 28.
Eric: 28.
Kristen: I have 32 now.
Eric: Now, you have 32, right? You had 30— you had 24 before?
Kristen: Yeah.
Eric: I rolled 26.
Kristen (as Lucas): I'm alive! I mean, captain, no!
Sarah (as Dandy): No, our captain.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: As you're all shot— as your shot out— you're shot out onto the beach. You see— each of you rolling through the sand splashing into the water. Lucas and Dandy, as you pull yourself together, you see the probably un-alive body of your captain.
Sarah (as Dandy): Oh, we have so many dead bodies today.
Eric: Di— death saving throw, Amanda.
Sarah (as Dandy): Do we have an extra seed?
Amanda: What do I do? We have an extra seed in the plastic bag.
Sarah: I thought we got a bonus point?
Eric: You're dead, you're dead. Roll a saving throw.
Amanda: No, no. Is it a D 20? I don't know.
Eric: It's D— just roll a D 20.
Amanda: Okay, 6.
Eric: Okay, fail. One fail.
Kristen: Yeah, because you did give me a seed before I jumped back on the boat, like the first time. And then I went back and you gave me a bag with three.
Sarah: Yeah.
Amanda: Yes.
Sarah: So we have an extra seed.
Amanda: So you would have—
Eric: You're dead, captain's dead.
Sarah: I'm giving— I'm forcing the—
Eric: It's the goof balls are figuring this out.
Sarah: —down the captain's gullet.
Kristen: You're gonna like elbow deep.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kristen: It's so unnecessary.
Eric: Both of you, give me dexterity checks really quickly.
Sarah: Not again.
Kristen: Okay. There's a rogue roll. Alright, that's gonna be a 24.
Eric: Okay.
Sarah: I got 22. Where was this when I needed it?
Eric: You're fi— hey, you definitely need it. You roll— Lucas, you produ— you remember that you have the seed on you and it's safely snug in one of your— in one of your little rogue pockets. You certainly needed this roll, I'll tell you that much. Give me another death saving throw really quickly.
Amanda: 13.
Eric: 13. Alright. You get a save, alright. So then, yeah, what do you do? What do you do?
Kristen: I mean, we obviously give Captain the seed. Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kristen: Lucas is going—
Kristen (as Lucas): No time for games.
Kristen: And just like give you the seed, so that you can—
Amanda: Aw.
Eric: And you just shove the seed just— just right in the mouth?
Sarah: Yeah. A little maybe too aggressively.
Kristen: Wait, does that mean all your little— your little spider plant babies are also like, "Wehh."?
Eric: Yeah, sure. I know— yeah. All of the— yeah, do all— oh, well, they're attached to you. I guess they all die with you. Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah, they only need had 11 hit points, so it was— it was over.
Eric: Yeah. Oh, no. No, they're attached to you. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: It's like—
Amanda: I— I can reconstruct them, it's alright.
Eric: Alright. And then your captain bolts back to life.
Amanda(as Jones): Aaahh! Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, good work, team. We got out of there. Is— do— do you have the key?
Kristen: Oh, I don't know. Do I?
Amanda (as Jones): Lucas!
Amanda: And then Lucas checked the end of the web.
Kristen: Yeah, I gue— do I have to roll for this?
Eric: Alright. I'll roll for— I'll roll for it.
Kristen: Okay.
Eric: How about I'll give you a 50/50 chance here, right?
Sarah: Please. Please, great salmon.
Eric: 11 or more, you have the key.
Sarah: Please, salmon. I believe— I believe in the salmon if we have the key.
Eric: 11 or more, you have the key.
Amanda: Please, please, salmon. Please, salmon.
Eric: Folks, I rolled a 3.
Amanda: Ugh!
Eric: Lucas, at the end of your spider silk rope, there is just a frayed end.
Kristen (as Lucas): No! end
Sarah (as Dandy): It's okay, Lucas.
Kristen (as Lucas): Well, I guess we have to go back in.
Amanda (as Jones): We're not going back in, buddy. There's plenty of salmon out there for all of us.
Kristen (as Lucas): What's a salmon?
Amanda (as Jones): I don't know. I thought I was told— is that a land thing, Dandy?
Eric: Oh, Sarah, no one knows what the salmon is. They don't know what a salmon is.
Sarah (as Dandy): Oh, it's sort of a religious icon amongst sailors.
Amanda (as Jones): Oh, for sure.
Sarah (as Dandy): But it also might be real, you know?
Amanda (as Jones): Okay.
Sarah (as Dandy): Real— real solid debates around that on both sides.
Kristen (as Lucas): Dandy, you're so smart.
Sarah (as Dandy): Thank you, Lucas.
Amanda (as Jones): We'll have to add a new drill about this.
Kristen (as Lucas): Also, I have 6 hit points.
Kristen: I've, like, beat the shit fuck up, I'm not looking good.
Eric: You get back in the boat and you meet back at the original meeting place.
Sarah (as Dandy): I don't know what we're gonna tell the insurance man, you guys.
Eric: As the sun starts— the sun—
Sarah (as Dandy): Ooh.
Eric: —starts to set and you mee— and out back where you started was the tugboat with Agent Eddie Whispers waiting for you. His tie is a little—is a little looser.
Sarah: He had a good time.
Eric: And he—
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: And he's— he's holding like a Miller Light—
Sarah: Yes.
Eric: —in one hand and be like—
Eric (as Eddie): You know you work hard, you play— you work hard, you play hard, you know? It's— well, how did— how did it go? How'd it go?
Amanda (as Jones): Well, some good and some bad.
Eric (as Eddie): Okay.
Amanda (as Jones): We put that one seed on the house to good use. Thank you. I— I would be dead. That was great. We also got one receipt, but those— those— those nerdowells only paid for two seeds, which we found out after we used three. So we have their names, we have their visages, we have one of the receipts, and oh, there's your— there's your bag back. There— there you go, Lucas. There you go.
Eric (as Eddie): Okay. Well, a job— a job not well done well, but at least it's done a little bit. Okay. Well—
Amanda (as Jones): That's on our flag, how'd you know?
Sarah (as Dandy): That's actually our motto.
Eric (as Eddie): Alright. Well—
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah.
Eric: Agent Whispers go into the filing cabinet, pulls out the Amber drawer, and fishes out three pieces, and throws two of them over to your boat.
Eric (as Eddie): You know, you collected on two, they got one for free. I can't give you the full payment, but you know, we don't want to stiff anyone here at Blue Lotus. Well, I'm disappointed in our contractors, unfortunately. You get a demerit in our official books and everything that comes along with that.
Kristen (as Lucas): Well, what's a demerit?
Eric (as Eddie): Well, it means, child, it means he didn't do a very good job, and we note that. And there's a certain level of— it's not punishment, per se, but I guess a responsibility that you should do better for Blue Lotus Life Insurance.
Kristen (as Lucas): This sounds really boring.
Amanda (as Jones): As opposed to the no job, that would have got done if you didn't find us?
Eric (as Eddie): Oh, well, you win some, you lo— you lose some, you lose some. I did— I kinda— I saw this coming a little bit.
Eric: Agent Whispers holds up the third piece of Amber, and you see that in it is like the death head moth. You know those moths that have like a skull on their back—
Sarah: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —and holds it up, and holds it, and kind of through the sunset light, kind of catches the Amber, and looks at Lucas, and says—
Eric (as Eddie): Die by drowning.
Eric: Then looks at Dandy and says—
Eric (as Eddie): Multiple stab wounds.
Sarah (as Dandy): Whoa.
Eric: And then looks at captain— and then looks at Captain Jones and says—
Eric (as Eddie): Oh, a broken heart, but also stab wounds.
Sarah (as Dandy): Captain, we matched.
Amanda (as Jones): What?
Eric (as Eddie): Alright. Well, unfortunately, you will not see me again as we will not contract you again, but all's fair.
Amanda (as Jones): I— I have— I have so much to ask.
Eric (as Eddie): It's five o'clock somewhere, I'll see you later. I'm off the clock. [train sounds]
Eric: As Agent Whispers ship toots away.
Kristen: Oh, my God.
Amanda (as Jones): Get back here, sea cop!
Kristen (as Lucas): I think he's wrong, because I never fall in the water except for like twice.
Sarah (as Dandy): But you didn't drown.
Amanda (as Jones): Let's not make it three.
Kristen (as Lucas): Yeah. And it wasn't like that time with the oatmeal. I didn't fall into a bunch of little pieces and then everybody was hungry.
Amanda (as Jose): Yeah. Dandy, we'll— we'll work on some evasive maneuvers next, okay? This— this ship wouldn't be the same without you.
Sarah (as Dandy): Oh, thank— thank you, captain. I'm gonna pretend I heard that at all. I didn't hear it. I didn't hear a single thing. I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear it.
Amanda (as Jones): Yeah. We should have a phrase about how not knowing things really makes you happy.
Sarah (as Dandy): Yeah. Yeah, captain.
Eric: I— I look at the— the end of the episode title for this comes up— comes up, and it's called— it's called Ignorance is Bliss or something like that.
Sarah: Yeah.
Kristen: Riding off into the sunset, Lucas is like—
Kristen (as Lucas): Does that mean you're gonna get married, captain?
Amanda (as Jones): Maybe.
[theme]