TIC TIC TIC TIC! It’s nearly midterm time and that means putting all of the eggs in the skeletal basket of Coach Bonemin. Will our super seniors get on top of The Most Important Test of High School or try not to think about it and blow off some steam?
We’re playing Masks for this campaign! You can access a running list of all the NPCs from Campaign 4 here.
Sponsors
- Bookshop.org, where the code we shared in the midroll will get you 10% off your order!
Find Us Online
- website: https://jointhepartypod.com
- patreon: https://patreon.com/jointhepartypod
- instagram: https://instagram.com/jointhepartypod
- twitter: https://twitter.com/jointhepartypod
- tumblr: https://jointhepartypod.tumblr.com
- facebook: https://facebook.com/jointhepartypod
- merch & music: http://jointhepartypod.com/merch
Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host, Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer (Connor Lyons): Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host, Co-Producer, Editor (Shelley Craft): Julia Schifini
- Co-Host, Co-Producer (Rowan Rosen): Amanda McLoughlin
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude: https://multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign: the drama and excitement of a superhero high school! Or marathon our completed stories: Campaign 3 for a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, the Camp-Paign for a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Eric: Brandon, you invited me to your house at— if I'm looking at the bloodstained note you slipped me, "When the clock strikes thrice and the crows call for vice” I'm here. It's dark. I'm wet. There's blood— the blood from the note's all over the place— no, wait, I was eating a burger in this kitchen everywhere. What have you summoned me here for?
Brandon: A blood sacrifice ritual, is that okay?
Eric: Oh, okay.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah— oh, no, I left my ceremonial dagger at home.
Brandon: Oh, shit. Oh, you definitely do need that, so if you could go grab that?
Eric: Okay. Can we, like, do this at the next harvest moon instead?
Brandon: Yeah. That's not important.
Eric: Oh, it's fine? I mean, I can go—
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: —home right now, I guess. It's just like— it'll take, like, 30 minutes there or 30 minutes back, and I get back.
Brandon: Right, yeah. There's probably traffic, so yeah, you want to, like—
Eric: Yeah, when the clock strikes 3:00, that's when rush hour picks up.
Brandon: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: Well, while I'm here, I guess, you know, I have this thing that I wanted to talk to you about.
Brandon: Oh, okay. Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. So, hey, how's Connor feeling right now? How's he feeling?
Brandon: Oh, I mean, I think he's a little— feeling a little anxious.
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: Feeling a little panicky. I think he understands that he doesn't have the most bombastic powers. The most like— useful is the wrong word, but the most, like, situational helpful powers—
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: —in the world. And so, you know, he was making himself useful by being him. But if someone else can be him, what the fuck is he supposed to be doing?
Eric: But that's—
Brandon: You know?
Eric: Yeah. I mean, that's hard. And so, you know, maybe a girl who was making fun of you and your friends liking, and other people learning to have communication skills, and everything going on with your aunt. There's just— I don't know. I'm just, like, pulling this out of nowhere, like that might, you know, be— feel pretty bad.
Brandon: Yeah, it doesn't feel great. It's a little anxiety inducing, if you will.
Eric: Yeah. Nice. You know, just two guys talking about a different fictional guy's feelings. Well, I guess you have my question, where does Connor go when he wants to kind of be alone? I feel like, you know, from what I remember, from, you know, summer camp in college. Like, being in the dorms, you can't really be alone. Is there somewhere on campus where you can be alone? Or do you leave campus and kind of just get away from all the super-powered like— I guess you can't stop being Connor, because everyone can see your guts, but, like, where do, yeah, where do you go to get away from it all?
Brandon: Good question. I think— well, first of all, he goes back to his dorm because he needs to put on his, you know, his middle school era safety JNCO jeans—
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: —and mascara, because, you know, he needs to retreat back into himself.
Eric: See, I thought you were like, "Oh, Connor has JNCO jeans and a giant sweatshirt so that he could hide himself." But you're like, "No, I'm just gonna go be emo."
Brandon: Yeah, he needs—
Eric: "I'm just gonna be emo."
Brandon: He needs to be emo, yeah.
Eric: He could be both. I guess it's both. JNCO jeans, both good at hiding yourself when you are a regular high schooler and also a transformed, freakish high schooler.
Brandon: I mean, isn't being emo just hiding yourself away, Eric, anyway?
Eric: Yes.
Brandon: You know?
Eric: Sorry, a song where the chorus is "I'm not okay" over and over again, what do you— is that not what it is? "Am I more than you bargained for yet, Brandon?" "Just trying to be the friction in your jeans." I— you know?
Brandon: Too far, too far, too far. Don't be the friction in my jeans.
Eric: Talk to Patrick Stump about that. That's not me. That's not me.
Brandon: I think there's a couple places he likes to go. One of them would be his favorite teacher's office, if it's not a big deal, which would be English Lit.
Eric: Hmm. Sure.
Brandon: But I think it's too much of a— like he doesn't want to see the teacher, the professor at this point.
Eric: Yeah, yeah. Ms. Biblioteca has actually been on— has been sick all week, unfortunately.
Brandon: Ms. Donde Esta La Biblioteca?
Eric: I mean, that's already— yeah. Donatella Biblioteca. Yeah.
Brandon: So one place that he goes to hide himself away within other people—
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: —is the bowling alley.
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: Which is a— the newly constructed offshoot of Astros from Lake Town City, but—
Eric: Oh. Astros. Wow. Astros came out to the suburbs.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Good for them.
Brandon: Yeah. But even that right now, it's just too many people, so—
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: —I think he's gonna go hang out at the aquarium.
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: In the off hours. Just spend some time with some fish, aquatic invertebrates, aquatic vertebrates, aquatic mammals.
Eric: I like that.
Brandon: Tell them his sorrows.
Eric: Nice. How— now, how big is the Jupiter aquarium? I can't tell if it's like this is the equivalent of going to a medium, small airport where it's like, it does international flights, but it definitely is not a Delta hub. You know what I'm talking about?
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Or is it like, "Oh, this aquarium is much better than you think it would be."
Brandon: I think their slogan is, "An aquarium as big as Jupiter," but it's just like a small to medium-sized aquarium.
Eric: The Jupiter Astrophysics Society says, "There's no water on Jupiter. This really doesn't make any sense." They'd be, like, nailing plaques to the front of the aquarium. God, I love that. Yeah, Connor, you're walking around the aquarium. Yeah. I feel like— do you remember the music for Dire, Dire Docks in Mario 64? Or does, like, the— think of quintessential N64 water music, where it's like—
Brandon: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: —"Doo, doo, doo, doo."
Brandon: Yes.
Eric: Boo, doo, doo. Boo, doo, doo, doo. Bloop, bloop." Everything just, like, has a blue shimmer around and I think that, you know, maybe the blue shimmer does the same with your transparent skin.
Brandon: Hmm. Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: I like that. Yeah, I think they like— I'm envisioning, like, a spot in the main area of the aquarium where you— you're under the water, so it's all this diffuse light. Everything is, like, dark and blue, and you see all these different fish swimming by. There's a turtle called Extroverted George is the opposite of Lonesome George. He's very extroverted. There's, like, a few sharks, you know, bobbing by and you can kind of— you're just, like, surrounded on all sides, I think, by this, like, blue light, this aquarium vibe.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And you're looking— you're kind of just watching all this fish go by, and kind of this, like— I'm envisioning the floor— this is like floor to ceiling aquarium, you know what I mean?
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And you see your reflection kind of diffuse with all the fish. And that's when you see two figures in dark suits who come up behind you.
Brandon: Oh. And their reflection, they emerge out of my JNCO jeans.
Eric: Yeah. They're almost— they, like, step out— both figures kind of step out from behind you, and one of them says—
Eric (as Snapdragon): Are you Connor Lyons?
Eric: It's hard to get a bead on the humanity in there. Both figures' hands are gloved, and they have this mask on that replicates a face with, like, a digital smile, with a digital face. It's like—
Brandon: Oh, God.
Eric: It moves and changes. Like a DJ. It's like—
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —they have this Daft Punk style mask on, but it keeps this, you know, drawn on face. So it's like a digital Etch A Sketch.
Brandon: Oh, God.
Eric: It keeps the eyes and the mouth that moves along with them speaking. One of them has this green light bright array, and the other one has this red array. The one with the green says—
Eric (as Snapdragon): Are you Connor Lyons?
Brandon: Connor slowly turns around, looks at them both and says—
Brandon (as Connor Lyons): Connor Lyons is dead. He can't come to the phone right now.
Eric: I can imagine— even with you sitting on a bench or, like, eye level with them. The one with the red face says—
Eric (as Honeycrisp): We'll ask you again. Are you Connor Lyons?
Brandon (as Connor): Okay. It seems like this is serious. So like, who are you? And maybe, maybe not, depends on who's asking.
Eric (as Honeycrisp): We're friends of your aunts. There's nothing to be worried about. It's not so serious, if you can tell us what's going on.
Brandon (as Connor): Well, recently, I was, like, doing some superheroing stuff with my team, and Craft, she's normally a burnout, but she sort of, like, took charge and, like, took the— took over and made everything good. And, like, I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing in my role on that point. And so, like, it really made me sort of, like, anxious and depressed and panicking about, like, what I would do. But— so I went home and I put on my safety JNCOs and I've been listening to some emo music and watching some fish to sort of, like, process the emotions. So is that what you meant?
Eric (as Snapdragon): Partially, yes. You're talking about Shelley Craft, daughter of Dr. Prometheus?
Brandon (as Connor): Depends on who's asking.
Eric (as Snapdragon): I'm asking. I'm Snapdragon. This is Honeycrisp.
Brandon (as Connor): Oh.
Eric (as Snapdragon): We're from Heroes 4 Hire.
Brandon (as Connor): Oh.
Eric (as Snapdragon): Have you been getting our letters?
Brandon (as Connor): What letters? I've heard— I heard all those letters burned away for eternity, and no one ever heard of them again.
Eric (as Snapdragon): Hmm. Well, I guess our system must be faulty, because we have been sending them, and it's been said that you've been receiving them. We're just here to ask you a few questions about what happened with the pre-teen who turns into a Jaguar warrior.
Brandon (as Connor): Oh, I mean— okay. Are you gonna help her? Or are you, like, trying to capture her?
Eric (as Snapdragon): Of— well, of course, we're going to help her. We're just trying to figure out what happened and why you were there with the Ooze.
Brandon (as Connor): I mean, the Ooze was a— sort of a accidental byproduct, sort of. We had an assignment from Dr. Ram. I don't know if you know Dr. Ram, but Moonboot, remember?
Eric (as Snapdragon):I don't—
Brandon (as Connor): What— from a while ago?
Eric (as Snapdragon): I don't know.
Brandon (as Connor): Oh, yeah, you must be pretty young. So, yeah, so we had an assignment that we were supposed to, like, interview a villain, and so we went and tried to talk to the Ooze, but the Ooze was an— out at the girl's house, so the— that was sort of like a spiral of events, you know?
Eric (as Snapdragon): Sure, sure. Honeycrisp, you're taking this down?
Eric: And the one with the red face is, like, just kind of like typing in the air with one hand and be like—
Eric (as Honeycrisp): Yeah, yeah. No, I got it. I got it.
Brandon (as Connor): Hell yeah, dude.
Eric (as Honeycrisp): I think the thing that's confusing me—
Eric: As Honeycrisp kind of leans down next to your face, is—
Eric (as Honeycrisp): —how you were there at the same time as a top secret, confidential stakeout, I guess, was happening at the same time. Now, doesn't that seem like a coincidence? A real coincidence?
Eric (as Snapdragon): Whoa, whoa, whoa. Honeycrisp, let's get the— let's give the kid some space. Hey, take a lap. Go look at the— look at the turtles.
Brandon (as Connor): Okay, I'll go look at the turtles. It's fine. I'll come back.
Eric (as Snapdragon): No, you stay here.
Brandon (as Connor): Oh, okay.
Eric (as Snapdragon): Honeycrisp, you take a break. Hey, whoa, Honeycrisp, you
know, really flies out the handle there, and, you know, you're just a kid. You don't know.
So, if you just— but, you know, I am interested is, how did you know to be there?
Brandon (as Connor): Lucky guess.
Eric (as Snapdragon): I'll give you another chance to answer that question. Why were you there? Or maybe Honeycrisp is gonna ask you in a tougher way.
Brandon: Connor is— with his left hand, he pulls out his flip phone and is T9 texting Anita, "SOS," and sending the text. As you do, if you were our age in middle school—
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: —with your flip phone and T9 underneath your desk.
Eric: Yeah. "Mom, Mom, come get me. They're being really mean." Where are you looking right now?
Brandon: At their face.
Eric: Usually you're looking right at their face?
Brandon: Yeah, because I don't know about you, Eric, but I could text without looking at— in middle school with a T9, you know?
Eric: Hmm.
Eric (as Snapdragon): It's fine. You know, maybe you just didn't remember. This is kind of a strange situation to be here. I mean, we could always talk. We could talk somewhere else. You could just come with us and—
Brandon (as Connor): Oh, that's okay.
Eric (as Snapdragon): —we'll figure the whole thing out.
Brandon (as Connor): No, I mean, that's fine. I don't really— I've always been told not to go to a second location by Dr. Ram. So, I mean, do you work at—
Eric (as Snapdragon): Yeah.
Brandon (as Connor): —Heroes 4 Hire?
Eric (as Snapdragon): We do.
Brandon (as Connor): Do you have, like, an ID badge? Or like a—
Eric (as Snapdragon): Yeah, sure.
Brandon (as Connor): Okay.
Eric (as Snapdragon): Yeah. Let me go get it. Hey, Honeycrisp, watch the kid. I left it in my jacket over there. Stay here.
Eric: And Honeycrisp comes back around the corner, being like—
Eric (as Snapdragon): This turtle really suit me.
Eric: And that's when, then, Snapdragon kind of, like, sees Honeycrisp and then walks away. And there's a moment when they're both far enough away from each other, that you have a moment to do something. What do you do?
Brandon: I think Connor is going to jump at the aquarium glass, transmute his flesh into a puddle, seep through the cracks, turn into the shape of a fish, swim the fuck away, seep back out the cracks on the other side, and run.
Eric: Hell yeah, dude. God, that's sick as hell. God, the nastiest fish for a second. Like, I'm just seeing each panel in a row—
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —of you, like, throwing yourself against the glass, then the next one is turning into a puddle. Then the next one is being the weirdest-looking fish possible.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Swimming through, then slorping out.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And then, yeah, the last panel is Connor booking it out of the Jupiter aquarium.
Eric: Hey, all you super friends. You want to get good together? You want to skip math together? You want to punch bad guys together? It's not that I haven't used my words, it's that nobody listens to me and I can shoot fire. 1, 2, 3, 4.
[theme]
Eric: Folks, I have bad news. We're getting to that part in the semester.
Julia: No.
Eric: Where it's midterms.
Julia: I hate midterms.
Eric: Guys, it's midterms.
Brandon: I don't think so, actually, but—
Eric: I know, and I'm sorry to tell you, it's midterms.
Amanda: But it's like barely October, and then we're gonna have Thanksgiving break, and that's gonna be finals.
Eric: Yeah, that's why it's midterms. Midterms come sooner than you think it does.
Julia: Time is bad.
Brandon: I'm bad. You guys know it's June?
Eric: Yeah, right.
Amanda: Happy Pride!
Brandon: The only time Amanda has ever clipped in this entire show.
Amanda: You're right. I clipped there.
Eric: Unfortunately, it's midterms, and the big bad is the wizard that makes all of you age and makes all of us age. It's time. Time is the big bad of this campaign.
Brandon: Time shark.
Julia: Oh. I was gonna ask if it was the Mad Ad-Magistrator.
Brandon: Hmm.
Julia: Is he the bad guy?
Eric: No, he just Ad-Magistrating.
Julia: Oh.
Brandon: That can only be a good thing.
Julia: How many wizards do we have on campus?
Eric: It's a good question. Currently?
Julia: Apparently, it's more than one.
Eric: Like on staff, always on campus?
Brandon: Well, not necessarily on payroll, but on— campus on staff.
Amanda: Yeah, they can be a 1089 wizard. They can be a W2 Wizard. Any, like, employment status of wizard, we can count for these purposes.
Julia: I haven't— I'm talking about the presence of wizards on this campus.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Hmm. Okay.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: I'll have to get back to you after a full accounting of all the wizards on campus.
Julia: I want one of those Jurassic Park style things where it tracks the amount of wizards that are on the campus.
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: You want to put wizards in a cage?
Julia: The problem is you don't know to count above the number of wizards that you think there are, and therefore, there's like double the amount of wizards that there should be.
Brandon: Wait, what?
Julia: That was a plot point—
Brandon: Sorry.
Julia: —in Jurassic Park clip.
Brandon: Hold on. The plot is— Jurassic Park, they didn't know to count higher than they would have counted?
Julia: Yes, because in the book, Brandon, and in the movie, they're all bred to be females, so they don't think that there would be any more in the wild.
Brandon: Ah,
Julia: And then they find out that they're breeding in the wild, and then there's way more dinosaurs than they thought there.
Brandon: I thought you meant they were just like, "1, 2, 3— oh, shit. We should have counted to seven."
Eric: "Dino DNA."
Julia: I know a lot about the Jurassic Park movies. Anyway—
Eric: Apparently. A special thanks for our guest character, Michael Crichton, who's going to be on the podcast today.
Julia: Hmm.
Brandon: Oh, I wish.
Julia: Also a doctor.
Eric: Doc—
Julia: Also, made the TV show, ER. Did you guys know that?
Amanda: No.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: I'm learning so much, and none of it's on the midterm.
Eric: I loved it when Noah Wyle said, "Dino DNA."
Amanda: Would he, though? Is he on cameo? Somebody give me a cameo of Noah Wyle saying, "Dino DNA."
Julia: Brandon's Googling.
Eric: Oh, God.
Julia: Brandon's Grugle-ing.
Brandon: Oh, I don't think he is on cameo.
Amanda: Fuck.
Eric: Folks, it's midterms. I'm so sorry.
Brandon: Wee.
Eric: Time moves forward like water rushing through a stream. There's nothing I can do about it. It's just midterms. Luckily, you only have to take one midterm. That's the thing about the school. When Wordsmith stepped in as principal, he made some sweeping educational reforms, one of which it's now a crime to say praxis, or at least for him to say praxis, because the last time he said praxis, the X was so sharp, it cut a bunch of lunch tables in half.
Amanda: Ah.
Brandon: Now, this is—
Julia: Oh, no.
Brandon: —really great world-building, Eric, but I did just finish editing the episode in which he did say praxis very loud.
Eric: Oh, yeah, well, then—
Julia: Shit. Fuck.
Eric: That's for me. That's an Eric joke. Eric loves words like praxis, but luckily, he made some sweeping pedagogical reforms, one of which is that you only have to do one midterm. Now, some students might argue that taking only one midterm is actually more stressful.
Julia: Bummer.
Eric: But that's what happens when you make sweeping educational reforms. Unfortunately, the only— the midterm that everyone has to take, regardless of what grade you are, nine through 12, the lowliest, tiniest freshmen to our oldest, most checked out senior, I'm not looking at Craft.
Julia: So Frög to Frög?
Eric: Is, of course, the power Apex workshop with Coach Boneman.
Julia: Not Coach Boneman.
Brandon: Coach Boneman?
Eric: Got— Coach Boneman.
Amanda: Hmm.
Brandon: Now, is it a game within the freshmen, or maybe even seniors? Who can say? Who can say Mr. Bonerman, the fastest and loudest without him noticing?
Eric: First of all, Brandon, it's Coach. Second of all—
Brandon: Coach.
Eric: —Coach Boneman. And third of all, you don't mess with a woman who's mostly skeleton.
Brandon: Right,
Eric: I can change her skeleton into various different animals and creatures from that skeleton, with her Dino DNA.
Brandon: I mean, I think that is probably true from your narc perspective, but I would guess that someone has said—
Brandon (as Connor): Excuse me, I have a question, Mr. Bonerman.
Eric: And then lording over this stupid pimply sophomore is a giant bone spider.
Amanda (as annoying student) Actually, coach, in a spider, like all of it is bones, because the outside of it is chitin, which is like the bones of insects.
Brandon: And then the teacher eats two students.
Eric: It's said that those sophomores don't go to this school anymore.
Brandon: Oh.
Julia: That's fair.
Brandon: Weird.
Julia: It is weird.
Eric: Yeah. They just kind of disappeared.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: Scary stories to tell—
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: —in homeroom.
Eric: Because when you— when it's power Apex workshop, and how much it gets factored into the reviews from Coach Boneman, get factored into your rankings. And the fact that her face is inscrutable due to, you know, the lack of face—
Julia: The bones, yeah.
Eric: —you might want to tread more carefully.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: Fair.
Eric: To that sophomore—
Julia: Fair enough.
Eric: —who learned the wrong way.
Brandon: Consider me treaded carefully.
Eric: So, midterms are coming up. You got to prepare. The power Apex workshop is in the big gym. Coach— that's Coach Boneman's domain. The big gym, although that there are hologram rooms in danger rooms and you can play badminton in the auxiliary gym, the main gym has physical obstacles. Lots of pulling of levers, turning of heavy wheels, setting up of springs, because the point of power Apex workshop is to show Coach Boneman what you can do. And unfortunately, it's tough as your class waits patiently for the sophomores to be finished, and four sophomores run out crying or hurling both at the same time.
Brandon: Oh, that's impressive, honestly.
Julia (as Shelley Craft): I remember when that was me.
Eric (as sophomore #1): [cries]
Eric: Brandon, can you make it sound like they're— that, like, four of them are doing that, but in different places?
Brandon: Hmm, y'all have to give me four different takes.
Eric (as sophomore #1): [cries]
Eric (as sophomore #2): I'm sad, but it's my fault. Bleh.
Eric: The quiet dignity of silent crying, but loud vomiting.
Eric (as sophomore #3): Haaa!
Amanda: Respect.
Brandon: That's the name of my autobiography.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Yeah. So it's time to get on in there, get into power Apex workshop.
Amanda: Woo.
Brandon: Wee.
Julia: Ahh.
Amanda: I think that's as we're standing in the hallway, Rowan kind of, like, looks around, tries to scope out how other teams are thinking and feeling about doing the midterm. But she's, again, gonna sort of, like, gesture for Craft and Connor to get close. And with their— Craft and Connor basically fully bent over, Rowan standing on tippy toes. They have a little discussion where, I think, Rowan is gonna say, like—
Amanda (as Rowan Miriam Rosen): Listen, no one else has done real fighting like we have done real fighting. We are incredibly, like, well-prepared for this. I believe in us. We're gonna be great. And if it comes to it, I am just gonna let you know who take the wheel and we are just gonna, like, kill this midterm, okay?
Brandon: You look up and realize that you ushered who you thought was Connor over, but it was actually Frõg.
Julia (as Connor): Frõg, what the fuck?
Eric (as Frõg): [croaks]
Brandon: Because Connor is not in the hallway. He is in the gym in the back corner wearing black JNCO jeans and—
Eric: Big hoodie.
Brandon: —and eyeliner. And sitting— you know that kid in the gym class where, like—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: —just sit in the back corner by his lonesome. That's Connor right now. And Frõg goes [croaks]
Eric (as Frõg): [croaks]
Julia (as Craft): Frõg, get out of here.
Amanda (as Rowan): Sorry, Frõg, you're obviously not invited to our team huddle.
Julia (as Craft): We didn't mean you.
Eric (as Frõg): [croaks] You know this is an individual exercise, right? [croaks]
Brandon: He speaks.
Amanda (as Rowan): No, I didn't. How do you know? What's on the test?
Eric (as Frõg): You're just gonna kind of push to your limit. [croaks]
Amanda (as Rowan): Fun.
Julia (as Craft): Cool. Thank you for the info. Go join the rest of your cool freak squad friends.
Eric (as Frõg): [croaks]
Julia (as Craft): Tell Glimmer we say hey.
Amanda (as Rowan): Yeah.
Eric (as Frõg): I will. [croaks]
Amanda (as Rowan): We better find Connor. I don't know what's going on with him.
Julia (as Craft): Yeah.
Julia: Craft pokes her head into the gym and is like—
Julia (as Craft): Connor. Connor.
Eric: Inside, Coach Boneman is resetting everything. Coach Boneman always wears a matching sweatsuit, I think, maybe to detract the fact that she's a skeleton.
Julia: That's fair.
Eric: So she's resetting. She's, like, winding things up. She's setting up traps. There's like— what are those like I associate with, you know, Feudal Japan shoot 20 arrows at the same time mechanisms?
Julia: Okay.
Eric: There's, like, a World War I style machine gun set up somewhere.
Julia: Jesus Christ.
Eric: And she's just— she's resetting it methodically and slowly.
Julia (as Craft): Connor, Connor.
Amanda (as Rowan): Come here. Come here.
Brandon (as Connor): Connor is not here.
Julia (as Craft): Connor, I can literally see you. You're in more clothes than usual.
Amanda (as Rowan): Don't make me float you over. We know it messes with your organs.
Brandon (as Connor): You can't float me over.
Amanda (as Rowan): Hey.
Brandon (as Connor): You won't do it. Hey, do it.
Amanda (as Rowan): Hey.
Julia (as Craft): Rowan, do it.
Amanda: Rowan extends one finger and does a little "come hither" gesture, and Connor starts sliding along the floor.
Brandon (as Connor): Okay, okay. I'm coming.
Brandon: And Connor walks down the bleachers over to them.
Amanda (as Rowan): You know, it's harder to move invisible objects.
Julia (as Craft): Really?
Amanda (as Rowan): Yeah.
Julia (as Craft): Why?
Amanda (as Rowan): You can't see the outsides.
Julia (as Craft): Huh?
Amanda (as Rowan): Duh.
Eric: Coach Boneman is, like, pulling a rope slowly and methodically back, and just kind of, like, nudges Connor out of the way as he glides faster.
Julia (as Craft): All right, Connor, what's up? What's with the— I haven't seen this since your eighth grade yearbook photos. What's going on here?
Brandon (as Connor): Nothing. I'm just in my safety jeans, JNCO jeans.
Julia (as Craft): No, you're being weird.
Brandon (as Connor): You're being weird.
Julia (as Craft): No.
Amanda (as Rowan): When I was weird, I had another sort of entity, like, come up and, like, be in my head. And I made it maybe last six minutes max before telling you guys about it. So I think that is a good example as to, like, what you should be doing here, vis-a-vis, disclosure.
Julia (as Craft): Yeah, you've been weird since the wizard tower. What's going on?
Brandon (as Connor): Nothing. It's not like you're caring or— you know?
Julia (as Craft): We literally are trying to talk to you about it, so clearly, we care, my guy.
Brandon (as Connor): No.
Amanda (as Rowan): In fact, we don't care that another team tried to recruit you and you didn't tell us about it, because I trust—
Brandon (as Connor): Well, maybe I'll just another team, then—
Amanda (as Rowan): No—
Brandon (as Connor): —Rowan.
Amanda (as Rowan): —because I trust that if you actually wanted to, you would have but you didn't, because you don't.
Julia (as Craft): We're being the ones cool and normal about this.
Amanda (as Rowan): Yes.
Julia (as Craft): You're making it weird.
Brandon: You're telling me that the half transparent kid in giant JNCO jeans is the weird one?
Julia: Yeah. I'm saying you're making it weird, bruh.
Amanda (as Rowan): Connor, you are part of our team and we wouldn't be a team without you.
Julia (as Craft): You're literally our team captain.
Amanda (as Rowan): And we need you to come through today, because it's our midterm, and I really want to make sure you succeed.
Julia (as Craft): And I want Emily Slaughter to suck it.
Amanda: Can I try to shift Connor's labels?
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: You know what you can do?
Amanda: Can I pierce the mask?
Eric: You can—
Julia: Comfort or support.
Amanda: Oh, I can comfort and support.
Brandon: Or provoke, or directly engage my threat.
Amanda: Those are so many of the moves.
Julia: What's your threat, Connor, huh? Huh, bitch?
Eric: I think what you definitely can do is provoke someone. You're trying to get someone— when you provoke someone susceptible to your words, say what you're trying to get them to do.
Amanda: All right, let's do it. I want Connor to be completely honest with Rowan and Craft about what is going on with him, so that we can talk through it and be as strong as possible individually and as a team for this midterm.
Eric: Nice. All right. Well, let's roll plus superior and see if Connor takes bait. Remember, we're rolling to see what— if you have carrot or stick to offer Connor, and depending on— if you do, Connor can take or not take them.
Amanda: All right. Well, I have plus one to superior right now, and I rolled an eight, so that is a nine.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: It's a nine. We are starting a new session. So you do start with one, so you— if Craft wants to help, you could immediately get that to a 10.
Julia: Let's do it, because, then, all good things happen, right?
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Well, you—
Amanda: Well—
Eric: The good option and the bad option both are reinforced, yes.
Julia: Let's do that, then.
Amanda: Got it.
Julia: I think Craft's like—
Julia (as Craft): Come on, Connor, let's figure this out.
Eric: Incredible. All right. Bang, on a 10, Connor, it is your choice if you open up to your friends, you get to add a team to the pool. And if you— but if you don't, you mark a condition.
Brandon: Hmm.
Amanda: Now, one option is straightforwardly good and one is straightforwardly bad, but it is Brandon we're talking about, so it is possible that he does whatever.
Julia: Brandon will Brandon. We all know that Brandon will Brandon.
Brandon: Here's the thing, is that it's more interesting to do the bad option.
Amanda: Brandon "here for the story" Grugle.
Julia: Brandon "let me take a condition before I have to take my midterm" Grugle.
Brandon: I think I'm gonna mark a condition.
Eric: Ooh.
Amanda: Wow.
Julia: Oh, Brandon.
Eric: I'll let you choose. I'll let you choose.
Julia: Oh, Brandon.
Brandon: I think he's feeling guilty about this, obviously. He's very conflicted. He's feeling guilty that he's not talking to his friends, but he also doesn't want to talk to his friends.
Amanda: Okay.
Eric: Hmm. That's fair.
Brandon: Connor looks up at both his friends and says like—
Brandon (as Connor): You guys just don't get it.
Julia (as Craft): Well, we can't get it if you don't talk to us about it, my guy.
Brandon (as Connor): Let's just go fucking do this thing. Okay? It's individual, anyway. Right, Frög?
Eric (as Frög): [croaks]
Julia (as Craft): But we're friends and we support each other, Connor.
Julia: Craft puts a hand on Connor's shoulder and says—
Julia (as Craft): I support you, Connor.
Amanda (as Rowan): Nothing will ever make me not support you, Connor.
Brandon: And Connor, like, gets,, like, slightly crushed down under Craft's strength.
Eric: Sorry, I'm doing Frög. Frög's in my head. I fucking love that guy.
Eric (as Frög): [croaks] Whatever, man. Open up to your friends, whatever [croaks]
Brandon (as Connor): I thought we were cool, Frög. What the fuck?
Eric (as Frög): We're cool, but I need to beat— I'm gonna beat you in the rankings.
Brandon (as Connor): Okay.
Eric (as Frög): I'm going to a good college. [croaks]
Brandon (as Connor):You're a frog.
Eric (as Frög): I'm gonna full ride to Frog state.
Brandon (as Connor): Cool.
Eric (as Frög): Amphibian Studies.
Brandon (as Connor): Everyone gets a full ride there.
Julia (as Craft): Sick. All you have to do is be a frog.
Brandon (as Connor): What is this, Texas Tech?
Eric (as Frög): Amphibian A & M.
Amanda: That's what the A is for. Shit.
Eric (as Frög): Amphibian and Military.
Eric: Standing outside, kind of puttering around, you know, switching into their gym clothes, switching into, like, their school powering uniforms, it's all— lots of members from the senior class are here. It's kind of like— it goes into waves, just get evaluated by Coach Boneman. And everyone is kind of on edge watching Coach Boneman set up the main gym. Wraith has been hanging out in her ghost form since you walked in, just kind of, like, floating up and then floating down, and floating up and floating down, like a Halloween decoration being placed and then taken away.
Amanda (as Rowan): That's very soothing to watch, Wraith. Thank you very much.
Eric (as Wraith): It doesn't— this is how I release my stress.
Julia (as Craft): Sick.
Brandon: In my head, she looks exactly like The Ghost of Christmas—
Eric: Yes.
Brandon: —pa— future.
Eric: Future. Future, yeah.
Brandon: The, like, the young lady, the young girl?
Julia: Oh.
Eric: I was thinking about the Ghost of Christmas Future, who's like just Ringwraith, you know?
Brandon: No, not Ringwraith.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Now, listen, Brandon watched the Muppet Christmas Carol, and he will not be corrected.
Brandon: I— yes, it is the Ghost of Christmas Past from Muppets Christmas Carol, that, like, creepy, young girl with the piercing blue eyes.
Julia: Okay. Fair enough.
Brandon: That's what I imagine her.
Eric: I like— but in my head, there's like that inside of, like, a Ringwraith.
Brandon: Right, exactly. Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Like her face is in there, but she's, like, retreated in there.
Julia: I just picture Zendaya, but then inside—
Eric: I like that. No, that's good. I really— I like that.
Amanda: That's so funny. I pictured the Grim Reaper, but dresses Guy Fieri, and I don't know why, but that's genuinely what I've been picturing the entire time.
Julia: Is that why you like Wraith so much?
Amanda: Yeah, I do.
Julia: Interesting.
Eric: TeamCast and the other cybernetic and robotic classmates have been updating in the corner, where you get the closest— where you get the best Wi-Fi.
Julia: Sure. And then where's fucking Powers?
Eric: Oh, he's sitting— he's been sitting next to Connor on the bleachers, just hanging out.
Julia: Oh.
Eric: Be like—
Eric (as Powers): So—
Julia (as Craft): Connor, you're just hanging out with Powers now. Like that's—
Amanda (as Rowan): Hanging out with fucking Rick is better than talking to your teammates?
Brandon (as Connor): No, I don't know why he sat next to me. It's— he—
Amanda (as Rowan): Okay.
Brandon (as Connor): I don't know what he's doing.
Amanda (as Rowan): Good, because that'd be a real cause for concern.
Eric (as Powers): Oh, hey, guys, just hanging out. What up?
Eric: He, like, raises a hand, and it's like a big lion's paw.
Brandon (as Connor): Hi. Is that 'cause my last name is Lyons?
Eric (as Powers): What?
Brandon (as Connor): What?
Eric (as Powers): Sorry, my head— I had my AirPods in. What?
Amanda (as Rowan): What's your hype up song, Rick?
Eric (as Powers): Oh, I'm listening to an audiobook, The Da Vinc— I'm listening to The Da Vinci Code.
Amanda (as Rowan): What is wrong with you?
Julia (as Craft): What?
Eric (as Powers): Do you know all of this, about Catholicism? It's crazy.
Amanda (as Rowan): Oh, my God.
Eric (as Powers): It's so much better than the movie.
Amanda (as Rowan): I need to go first. I need to go first.
Eric (as Powers): What? Sorry— hold on, I have to turn it off. Dan Brown did his own audiobook.
Amanda (as Rowan): Coach, coach.
Eric (as Powers): He's not very good at it.
Amanda (as Rowan): Coach.
Julia (as Craft): That's crazy.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): I am currently setting up. We will be ready in four minutes.
Julia (as Craft): Four minutes? Okay.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Please, Rowan, this takes time.
Amanda (as Rowan): Crafts, you got something to help me chill out?
Julia (as Craft): Yeah. What do you want? We got bud. We got gummies. I got tincture.
Amanda (as Rowan): Oh, like, maybe, like, encouraging words.
Julia (as Craft): Oh, yes.
Julia: And then Craft puts both hands on Rowan's shoulders, squats down to their eye level, and says—
Julia (as Craft): You contain the power of the universe inside you.
Amanda (as Rowan): That's kind of really the problem. You're really not helping. You're making it like a little bit worse.
Julia (as Craft): And— hold on, let me finish my statement. And you are so in control that the universe bends to what you need and what you desire. And everyone else in the world wishes that that was literally true for them, and it is literally true for you, Rowan. And you got this. This is just a fucking midterm.
Amanda (as Rowan): Okay, thank you.
Eric: Hey, you want to roll to comfort or support? You want that?
Julia: Sure.
Eric: You want that shit?
Amanda: Aw, Julia, that was so good.
Julia: I'd love that.
Brandon: I'll take a tincture.
Julia: What is that, mundane?
Eric: Mundane, like a person.
Julia: Oh, my mundane is to zero. That's—
Brandon: Nice.
Julia: [dice roll] That is a seven.
Eric: Pretty good. That's a hit.
Brandon: Not bad.
Julia: Plus one.
Eric: They hear you. Mark potential, clear a condition, or shift labels.
Julia: You want one of those conditions cleared, Amanda?
Amanda: Yeah, both angry and hopeless.
Julia: Oh, well, definitely get rid of hopeless. You're probably gonna have to unleash your powers somewhere in here.
Amanda: Thank you.
Brandon: Nice.
Eric: Wonderful.
[theme]
Amanda: Hey, everybody. It's Amanda. This midroll is brought to you by a fan blowing on your face just when you need it. I'm so sweaty. Thank you, and welcome to Ryden, Justin, and Caroline, our newest paying supporters on Patreon. I have a feeling that our unhinged dive into the True Crime Podcast game is what brought you there, and I'm so glad it did. Because I had so much fun recording that. We had so much fun editing it. And I really, really hope that you patrons enjoyed, according to our incredible patron-only Discord, you did, but you know, let me know. If you want to join the crew with ad-free episodes, the biweekly Party Planning Podcast and more, join us at patreon.com/jointhepartypod. If you like Join the Party, you are going to love the other stuff we have cooking up at the Multitude Podcast collective. Spirits is the history and comedy podcast that I've been running with Julia for nine years now. We focus on everything related to folklore, mythology and the occult, told through our perspectives, which is one of feminism, queerness, and being adults in this moment right now. I've gone on a full journey to anti-capitalism on that podcast, and recently got to interview a Marxist scholar who I'm a huge fan of, Jathan Sadowski. So go on over and check out Spirits. If you're asking yourself, what does mythology have to do with capitalism? Girl, just wait. You're going to love it. Go to spiritspodcast.com or search for Spirits wherever you download your podcasts. We are sponsored this week by bookshop.org, which is a fantastic place where you can buy books online while supporting indie bookstores near you. Now, I know that it's not always easy to just be like, "Shop indie," la, la, la, because you might not have an indie bookstore near you, might be a long drive away, may not be accessible. Maybe they don't stock every single thing you want or you need something quickly for a school or for a book club. I totally get it. That's why I am so grateful that a bunch of people from the publishing and literary world got together to make bookshop.org, which is a certified B Corp. It is climate certified. It is so good, and it raises money for independent bookstores with every single purchase. You just go to bookshop.org. You type in the title that you want. You order it. I have never once tried to order a book in bookshop.org and didn't have it. Okay, they have everything. They send it to your house, often via an independent bookstore closest to you. Amazing. How cool is that? I've reserved signed copies of books via bookshop.org that I picked up from a local bookstore, and I've had gifts shipped to people via local bookstores near them. It's amazing. And they have very, very kindly given us a promo code to give you 10% off your purchase at bookshop.org and also kick a little bit of money back toward Join the Party. So go to bookshop.org in the code, I bet you can guess it, it's Join the Party. Okay? That's bookshop.org, use code Join the Party for 10% off your order. Now, let's get back to the show. Remember back in 2017 when I was a brand-new player, coming to Join the Party, learning how to play a tabletop role-playing game for the very first time. I know that at the time, I was so excited to be a new player, because I got to show, hopefully, the other people listening who maybe had never played a TTRPG, or they're interested, or they're— they like D&D in theory, but they're worried about, like, getting the rules wrong, that— there is no getting the rules wrong in tabletop RPGs. It's here for fun. So I was so excited to learn about a podcast that I'm gonna recommend to you today called Girls Who Don't DND. None of the all-women team of players has ever joined a D&D game before or any other role-playing game, for that matter. They go from learning which dice is which to challenging the gods themselves. It is so much fun and it's so welcoming to people who don't necessarily know what to do when they sit down to join a campaign, because neither do they, but they quickly find out together. It's beautiful, chaotic, heartbreaking, so funny, and they're Australian, so for us Americans, the accent is top notch. So go on over to Girls Who Don't DND in your podcast app, and I'm warning you, folks, it's pretty addictive, pretty heartwarming, pretty heartbreaking. You're gonna love it. That's Girls Who Don't DND.
[theme]
Eric: All around you, all the students, half of the senior class are buzzing with activity. There's like a student that shoots flames and the students that shoot ice are just standing outside of the gym, blasting each other. All of the magical students are, like, drawing up arcane circles just around each other, and like combating, undrawing and redrawing the circles. All of, like, the sharpshooter-related students are just, like, quick drawing with each other, like they're playing rock, paper, scissors. Just, like, pulling out their guns. I think there's like—
Julia: Students shouldn't have guns. Anyway—
Eric: There's like a cowboy, and I think there's also like a revolutionary war guy, and then another guy who just takes out his finger guns.
Julia: I like him best.
Eric: And they're all just, like, pulling out their guns, like rhythmically at each other. It is nervous.
Julia: Yeah. Like YuYu Hakusho.
Eric: Just like YuYu Hakusho, Julia. Thank you for seeing me, with the spirit guns.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Happy Pride.
Eric: And eventually, Coach Boneman says—
Eric (as Coach Boneman): All right.
Eric: And then, like, just with bones smacking each other. He's like—
Eric (as Coach Boneman): All right, line up.
Julia (as Craft): Okay.
Eric: Everyone, like, runs to the line.
Brandon: Connor gets in last.
Amanda: Connor.
Julia: Connor.
Brandon: Don't look at me, blame Connor.
Julia: I am, I am, but we said Connor, not Brandon.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): I suppose, as your coach for the last four years, it's up to me to give you encouraging words as we go into the midterms. I see you.
Brandon (as Connor): How?
Eric: Brandon is going to be haunted by a bone spider later tonight.
Brandon: That was nice. Another sophomore in the line, down the hall.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): I see you. I observe you. I've studied your powers for years. I've seen you grow. I've seen you struggle. You cannot do better, you cannot do worse. You will just do as you are, and that will be written down, but there's very little you can do about it, except train and do your best.
Brandon (as Connor): Hell yeah.
Amanda (as Rowan): That was actually pretty good.
Brandon (as Connor): Let's do it.
Julia (as Craft): Yeah. Thanks, Coach.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Okay. We'll get set up for sparring. Run it 90% speed, as if we're doing it like you would do it next week.
Julia (as Craft): Is midterms next week, it's not right now?
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Nope, next week is the midterm.
Julia (as Craft): Got you.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Okay. So 90% speed. Okay? Let's see what you can do.
Amanda (as Rowan): But I sweat through my best shirt already.
Julia (as Craft): Time is fake. I think the wizard is fucking with us.
Brandon (as Connor): Classic wizard.
Julia (as Craft): The time wizard,
Brandon (as Connor): The time wizard.
Eric: Time wizard.
Brandon: Oh, God, what a good card.
Julia (as Craft): Time is a wine-dark sea.
Eric: Yeah. Everyone kind of has to— because you're doing full prep, everyone has to sit on the bleachers while each student individually goes. And each—
Julia: It's so stressful.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah, it is. Each of you are pushed to your limits, as Dr. Boneman has set up individual challenges to push every single one of you to reach the outer bounds of what your powers can do.
Amanda: Eric, if this is the final form of Dr. Bertha Bones, you have to tell us.
Eric: Well, the thing about Dr. Boneman, unlike Dr. Bertha Bones, who is interested in collecting other people's bones—
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —is that she can turn her bones into whatever they want.
Julia: I didn't realize she had her doctorate. I'm very excited for that.
Amanda: You know, that's on me. I thought that the coach would be a man, and I didn't think that the coach would have a PhD. And that's two kinds of biases I'm bringing to this table.
Eric: Dr. Reverend, Coach Boneman—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —is ready to push all of you to the outer limits of your powers.
Brandon: Now, which students power match up with the World War II gatling gun?
Eric: A student steps up and turns their whole body into metal and goes, "Brrrrrr, brrrrrr."
Brandon: That's awesome.
Julia (as Craft): Cool. Sick as hell just to watch.
Brandon: And then turns around and says—
Brandon (as student): Fuck Nazis!
Julia (as Craft): Hell yeah, dog.
Eric: Yeah. You know, like the strong students, they can't— they, like, hold up Dr. Boneman as a T-Rex skeleton. There are flying students who have to dive in and around of, like, terrible monstrosities put together in the wrong way, like bones, like wrong dinosaur skeletons. I think there's like— you know, hand-to-hand combat is just like, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, as like bones— the giant bone spider just, like, whacking them in all directions and blocking all of them. Coach— Doctor, Reverend, Coach Boneman says—
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Ah, Jamie, will be testing your grip strength today.
Eric: And be like—
Eric (as Jamie): Coach Boneman, actually, I— can I talk to you? Can I talk to you for a second?
Eric: Coach Boneman says—
Eric (as Coach Boneman): No, we're training.
Eric (as Jamie):Yeah, I just really would like— really like if we could—
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Anything you can say in front of me, you can say in front of your senior class, who knows you inside and out.
Eric: Jamie looks around and says—
Eric (as Jamie): Okay. My powers are different now, so just need to let you know before—
Amanda (as Rowan): Good job, Jamie, get it in.
Eric (as Jamie): What?
Amanda (as Rowan): You had sex for the first time, so your power was changed?
Eric (as Jamie): Oh, my God,
Brandon (as Jolly Green Giant): Woo! Yeah! Jamie!
Julia (as Craft): Wow, Jamie, that's cool as fuck.
Brandon (as Jolly Green Giant): Who was it? Was it your mom? Got him.
Amanda (as Rowan): Connor.
Eric: It wasn't Connor.
Amanda (as Rowan): Jolly Green Giant?
Amanda: And it's just this— just a green bean that's a man.
Eric (as Jamie): Yeah. Yeah. Sure, yes, I did. So now, I have ice powers now. You can call me Ice Flow. Coach, I just— I know, if you're not prepared for it, but I just need— if you're gonna test it next week, you just kind of gotta set up— I don't know. Do you have—
Julia (as Craft): Yeah, 'cause ice powers are, like, so unique at the school.
Amanda (as Rowan): Jamie's a sick name, though. Good job.
Eric (as Jamie): Thanks. I don't know how I feel about everyone just cheering on me that I did it, but okay. So Coach, I just want to let you to know. I can just, like, sit down and you can tell me.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): No, I am prepared for this. Get in the freezer.
Brandon: What?
Eric: Coach Boneman walks to the back of the gym and opens up a garage door and there's just, like, a freezer— it's just a freezer there. It'd be like—
Eric (as Coach Boneman): You have to hold your powers in the freezer. We'll figure out what to do when you get to your midterm. Get in.
Julia: Just stand in the freezer. Have fun.
Eric (as Jamie): Are you serious?
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Yeah. Get in the freezer. I have to retest all of your abilities.
Eric (as Jamie): Okay, can you guys remember—
Eric: Jamie, like, looks back to you. He's like—
Eric (as Jamie): Can you guys remember to let me in— let me out after— when the freezer's done?
Julia (as Craft): Maybe the person you had sex with should let you out so that—
Amanda (as Rowan): Uh-hmm.
Julia (as Craft): —you know?
Amanda (as Rowan): Just, like, let us know who that is, so we can, like, know—
Julia (as Craft): Yeah, so we could tell them.
Amanda (as Rowan): —and also just tell them
Eric (as Jamie): She goes to a different school.
Julia (as Craft): She goes to a different school, huh? Huh?
Amanda (as Rowan): In Canada? Like, that's even a real place?
Eric (as Jamie): Yeah, she lives in the Ontario area.
Julia (as Craft): Wow, the Ontario area, huh?
Eric (as Jamie): She lives in the Toronto area. Fuck! I'm getting in the freezer!
Brandon: We literally just said there's another ice guy shooting with the fire guy in the hall. Everyone just looks at that guy and says, "They must have fucked."
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Oh, no, that was Jamie. Jamie was shooting the ice— was— she was the one shooting the—
Julia: Oh, okay.
Eric: Jamie was the one shooting the ice.
Amanda: Hmm.
Brandon: I don't know about that. That's what Jamie would say.
Eric: In the comic book, it makes sense of continuity, not just me making it up on the fly as we do it.
Julia: Oh, we're not doubting. It's fine.
Eric: In the comic book, it looks— it totally makes sense.
Julia: We saw Jamie outside. It's all—
Eric: I know, Jimmy was wearing a light blue shirt.
Julia: Because ice powers—
Eric: It'd be like—
Eric (as Jamie): Okay.
Eric: Jamie climbs into the refrigerator and shuts the door. And Coach Boneman says—
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Okay. We still— all right, we still have time. We still have to do this. Let's— everyone keep stepping up.
Eric: For each of you, tell me how Coach Boneman pushes your powers to the limit.
Julia: I think for Craft, it's a little frustrating, because there is that expectation now that she was on the highlight reel—
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Julia: —to do more wind-related things. And Craft is like—
Julia (as Craft): Ah, fuck. It just like— it was just because Connor was in trouble. I haven't really gotten the whole, like, wind situation down yet.
Eric: Coach Boneman is setting up a giant— is like— is cranking up a giant fan in the back and says—
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Craft, now that you're displaying more weather, meteorological-related powers, we're going to test that, while also maintaining growth on regeneration. So we're testing— but we're testing both today, it will be— you will be tested on both for the midterm.
Julia (as Craft): Well, the regeneration is fine. I just stick it back on and it does its thing. Stitches back together, but—
Amanda (as Rowan): I've seen her do it a lot.
Julia (as Craft): I did my head. Did you see that—
Amanda (as Rowan): It was awesome.
Julia (as Craft): —on the highlight reel? Coach, coach, did you see that on the highlight reel?
Eric: Coach Boneman has shifted into the skeleton of a giant ox, maybe one from prehistoric times.
Julia (as Craft): Cool as fuck.
Eric: And then charges you—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —and says—
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Power of the sun!
Julia (as Craft): What?
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Use the power of the sun.
Julia (as Craft): What does that mean? I don't know what that means.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Now, blizzard.
Julia (as Craft): What?
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Now, wind.
Julia (as Craft): I'll try that one.
Eric: Just like— this ox is just like— he's, like, brushing by you, like you're like a bullfighter.
Julia (as Craft): Ah, fuck!
Eric: And please, hey, why don't you really quickly just give me— roll plus freak for me—
Julia: Okay.
Eric: —as I push your powers to the limit.
Julia: [dice roll]
Brandon: I thought you were gonna have—
Julia: Six.
Brandon: —Craft drawn and cornered.
Eric: I— we'll get— hey, that's the— that's what they did junior year.
Julia: I got a six.
Eric: Oh, it's a six?
Julia: I marked potential.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Eric: I think you are over— yeah, because this giant ox— the giant ox skeleton and Coach Boneman is shouting out different meteorological patterns for you to throw out there. You just kind of, like, are avoiding and taking the blows, like someone who is in the running of the bulls and shouldn't be there.
Julia: Yeah. Arm falls off, throws it back on.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): So a zero, a zero for meteorological powers today.
Julia (as Craft): Well, you just yelled, "Power of the sun" at me and I didn't realize that's what you wanted. I thought you were using the power of the sun, which is kind of cool, I guess.
Brandon (as Connor): The sun's not even weather. It's just a sun.
Eric: The ox skeleton—
Julia (as Craft): Thanks, Connor.
Eric: —looks at Brandon and then turns back away.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): All right, next.
Eric: Craft, Coach Boneman's face is inscrutable because she has no—
Julia: Yeah, 'cause it's made of bones.
Eric: Because she has no face.
Julia: Uh-huh.
Eric: So we move on.
Julia (as Craft): Okay.
Brandon: Connor steps up, trips over his JNCO jeans a little bit, but gets onto the floor. And—
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Is this what you'll be wearing for the midterm?
Brandon (as Connor): Is this what you'll be wearing for the midterm?
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Yes.
Brandon (as Connor): Yes.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Okay.
Brandon (as Connor): Cool.
Julia: Fair enough.
Brandon: And I don't know exactly what Dr. Boneman— doc— sorry, Doctor, Reverend Boneman—
Julia: Coach Boneman.
Brandon: Coach Boneman—
Eric: Coach Boneman, DDS.
Brandon: —DDS, Esq.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Does exactly, but every time that she does something, Connor is just like—
Brandon (as Connor): No, I don't wanna. No, no.
Brandon: And just power negates her the entire time.
Eric: I like that. I like that. Okay. If you're gonna put an hour negate the whole time, still give me a plus freak.
Julia: Cool.
Brandon: Come on. I have a plus three to freak, so let's get a 15 here.
Julia: What happens when you power negate someone who's just made out of skeletons? Do they fall apart?
Brandon: Yes.
Julia: Oh.
Brandon: 15, 15. [dice roll]
Julia: What'd you roll?
Brandon: A three?
Julia: Oh, so good. We're really crushing it, guys.
Brandon: Plus three for a six.
Eric: I love— that's so good. I think the thing that she's testing, that Coach Boneman is testing is your senses. So Coach Boneman gives— hands you a blindfold, and you have to hear Coach Boneman coming. So everyone else on the bleachers, like, is seeing Coach Boneman, like, turn— there is such, like, a lack of conservation of mass from Coach Boneman, which is the scariest part. So it's like Coach Boneman turns into like a little rat skeleton, and it, like, walks around a bunch of gym equipment and sneaks around. And I kind of like you saying, "No. Stop. Go away." But you're blindfolded, so you're just, like, pointing it in the wrong direction and, like, TeamCast, like, turns off.
Brandon: Yeah, the wrong direction.
Eric: And then Coach Boneman turns into a saber-toothed tiger and just drives two saber-toothed teeth into your back.
Brandon (as Connor): Ow, man. What the fuck? Come on.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): You'll be more prepared next week?
Brandon (as Connor): You'll be better prepared next week.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): That was a question.
Brandon (as Connor): Didn't sound like it. It didn't have an up inflection at the end of the sentence.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Hmm.
Brandon (as Connor): Hmm.
Julia: Hmm. Hmm.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): All right, next.
Amanda (as Rowan): All right.
Eric: Connor, even as you trudge away—
Brandon: Bleeding with his internal organs falling out of his back.
Eric: Oh, you're repairing. You're fine. I know you're fine.
Brandon: I don't have regeneration.
Eric: Ah, you're fine. You look back and Coach Boneman's expression?
Brandon: Inscruitable.
Eric: Because she has no face.
Brandon: Yeah, 'cause she has no face, yeah, yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): All right, Rowan, let's step up. What are we testing for the midterm?
Amanda (as Rowan): My fine motor skills with my powers.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Hmm. Okay, we'll have that set up for you.
Amanda (as Rowan): Because, like, when you think about it and learn about it and stuff, every molecule, like, has its own center of gravity and we talk about, like, the big ones, but not always the small ones. And also, I'm very small. Everyone thinks it's the big stuff, but sometimes it is the small stuff, you know?
Eric: Coach Boneman is back into her regular human skeleton form and is walking over to a contraption and says—
Eric (as Coach Boneman): All right, Rowan, go over there.
Eric: And there's like a 10 by 10 grid of, like, spikes that come out of the ground.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: You know, like in a real traditional, like, temple trap.
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: That, like, is this— there's a series of buttons that she can hit to make those bikes come up. You walk over to the grid, and as she gets ready to set up the ancient buttons, all of the bones just fall apart.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Amanda (as Rowan): Oh. I can help you with that.
Amanda: And Rowan uses her powers to float the bones into vaguely the right order, so hopefully they can snap back together.
Julia: Oh.
Brandon: One's an arm and one's a leg that— oh, they got those reverse.
Amanda: She does not know all the bones of the body and where they go, but she's trying her best.
Eric: The first thing I thought is that the pelvis is the shoulders, right?
Julia: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: She's like—
Eric (as Coach Boneman): No, I can do it. It's fine. Please don't start until the trial begins. We're 90% speed, Rowan, please.
Eric: She takes another step, and then, like, almost rhythmically, like from her feet up, just like all of the bones start to fall apart and tumble down onto the ground.
Amanda (as Voidie-Lynn): Now, do you think this is her trying to make us look like more powerful than she thinks we are, but less powerful than we know we are? Or are you doing something I can't feel?
Eric: On the ground, Coach Boneman's skull says—
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Rowan, please keep your powers under control until the trial begins, or I won't be able to test your abilities.
Amanda (as Rowan): I'm not doing anything. I promise you. I'm gonna go in the freezer.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): If you're not doing anything, then stop doing something.
Amanda: Rowan sort of freezes, and in her head goes—
Amanda (as Rowan): Is this you?
Amanda (as Voidie-Lynn): Well, I want people to see the work that I'm doing, not see the work that I'm doing, so no, it is not me. You want to see what I can do?
Amanda: And I think Rowan, just in an effort to, like, channel her powers away from anything she might be doing, accidentally, backs up a few steps. Eric, in this gym, is there, like one of those ropes that hangs with, like, a symbol at the top for kids to climb up the silly rope challenge?
Eric: It's a high school, of course, there is.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Rowan points at that rope and tries to move it around so fast it makes a whirlwind.
Eric: All right, yeah. Let's unleash your powers. Plus freak, please.
Amanda: [dice roll] All right, that's a six plus one for a seven.
Eric: Hey, that's a hit.
Julia: Woo.
Eric: You do it.
Brandon: Nice.
Eric: On a seven to nine, though, you can either mark a condition or I'll tell you how the effect is unstable or temporary.
Amanda: Definitely unstable or temporary, please.
Eric: I mean, so what are you trying to do with the whirlwind?
Amanda: I'm trying to focus my powers very intensely on an object everybody can see, so that they're showing them that, like, I'm doing this very obvious, visible thing and not impacting the teacher in any way. So I'd love to, like, make a whirlwind that is so intense that the rope is kind of, like, making that rope whistling sound and, like, snapping around, and maybe, like, making people's, you know, hair and clothes and papers fly all over the place.
Eric: Well, I can tell you how it's unstable, because I think you're whipping a gym rope around so much that it go— that it just snaps and goes flying into the crowd of students.
Brandon (as Connor): Ah!
Julia: Aaah.
Amanda (as Rowan): Oh, sorry, sorry.
Eric: Frög eats it.
Julia: The whole thing?
Eric: The whole thing.
Julia: Does he have an extended belly now?
Eric: Yeah, now, he's super long.
Julia: Oh.
Brandon: He's super tall now.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Huh.
Eric: He's super stretched out.
Amanda (as Rowan): That's gonna be a tough poop, Frög.
Eric (as Frög): [croaks] I'll send photos. [burps]
Brandon (as Connor): Please don't.
Amanda (as Rowan): Yeah. Kind of into that.
Brandon (as Connor): What?
Amanda (as Rowan): It's kind of interesting. How often you see a frog poop a 80-foot— anyway, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this, I promise.
Eric (as Coach Boneman): Rowan, next week for the midterm analysis, I expect you to keep your powers in check until it begins or I cannot test you.
Amanda (as Voidie-Lynn): I hope their scales are ready for us.
Amanda (as Rowan): Yes, yes, coach. Can I go?
Eric (as Coach Boneman): That was the last one. You can go.
Eric: Coach Boneman has not been put back together, so it's just the skull chattering on the floor.
Amanda: No.
Julia: Craft's gonna go let Jamie out of the closet/—
Brandon: Out of the closet?
Julia: —freezer.
Eric: Actually, that's a great— that's a good—
Brandon: Is he dead?
Eric: Yeah, he's dead in there.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Julia: Oh.
Eric: This is like— this is a Knives Out mystery.
Brandon: Oh, sweet. Okay.
Julia: Oh, shit. Kind of fun.
Amanda: I just short circuited trying to think about how to do a Daniel Craig impression when my head is in Voidie-Lynn mode and I was like, "I think it's just the same."
Julia: They're pretty similar.
Eric: No, I think you got it. Craft, you open the fridge and you are blasted with an icy wind.
Julia (as Craft): What the fuck, Jamie? I was just letting you out, like you asked.
Eric (as Jamie): I can't— it's— I have to do—
Eric: His teeth chattering.
Eric (as Jamie): It's a new power. I'm getting used to it.
Amanda (as Rowan): You need to raise your internal temp.
Julia (as Craft): Yeah, you look pretty frozen.
Eric (as Jamie): We're just gonna walk it off.
Eric: Jamie was just wearing, like, a T-shirt— like a blue T-shirt and jeans and is now, like, look— looks like one of those mummies that got mummified, one of those CRO-Magnon that got modified by, like, falling into a lake.
Julia (as Craft): So, what's up, Jamie? What's up with the new powers?
Eric (as Jamie): I did it.
Julia (as Craft): Okay. Like, that's a very funny joke that we were all kind of, "Haha. It's funny that Jamie had sex and then their powers changed." What's actually going on?
Eric (as Jamie): She lives in Guelph. It's near— it's in Ontario.
Brandon: Guelph?
Julia (as Craft): Hey.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia (as Craft): Jamie, Jamie, just between the two of us, what's going on?
Eric (as Jamie): Guelph. I gotta go.
Julia (as Craft): No, I want to know what's going on with you.
Eric: And then Jamie fall— Jamie falls backwards onto, like, a luge of ice, and then just, like, sluices away. You can follow.
Julia (as Craft): Come back here.
Eric: You can follow if you want to.
Julia: Yeah, I want to know what the fuck is going on with Jamie.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Pierce the mask. Pierce the mask.
Julia: He's gonna introduce a character that had something interesting happen to them.
Brandon: How dare you?
Julia: How dare you?
Eric: Yeah. Jamie is, like, sliding away and then creating, like, an icy luge, like through the campus, like avoiding suit, like—
Julia: Yeah, just sprinting.
Eric: Yeah. Out of the lawn, like going around— like it's weaving in between people, like underneath two guys throwing a Frisbee to each other.
Julia: Craft catches the Frisbee and throws it, keeps running away.
Eric: Yeah. Well, Jamie's trying to get away from you. What do you want to do?
Julia: I want to try to catch Jamie. I want to leap into the air via, like, a little spark from my shoes, or maybe even little whirlwinds.
Eric: Ooh.
Julia: I think, when properly motivated, Craft can do a little whirl land— whirlwind action.
Brandon: Can do a little whirling.
Julia: Whirling. And is gonna, like, jump onto the ice luge and try to, like, surfboard—
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Julia: —like fucking Iceman.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: I love that. All right, let's provoke someone. I think this works here, right? Like, see—
Julia: Hell yeah.
Eric: —we're trying to do so— you can do whatever you want, but the moves are mechanical. Once again, roll plus superior.
Julia: [dice roll] I rolled a five plus four plus a one, for a 10.
Amanda: Whoa.
Eric: Wow.
Brandon: Nice.
Julia: Can't pass my midterm practice, but can catch a person trying to go away from me.
Eric: Trying to ice luge away from you.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: On a 10 plus, they rise to the bait and do what you want. Remind me, what do you want? I assume you want him to stop and tell you what's up, right?
Julia: Yeah, I want to know what's going on with the fucking power shift.
Eric: He's, like, teeth chattering. He's like—
Eric (as Jamie): I can't stop. We're going towards the big hill.
Julia: Big hill?
Eric: Yeah. And I think you guys, like— there's a big hill that you slide— that everyone sleds down. They grab lunch trays, and it slid down when it's snowing.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And you two are going down the big hill.
Julia (as Craft): This is sick as fuck, but come on, Jamie, what the fuck is going on?
Eric (as Jamie): I'm trying to stop.
Eric: And then both of you—
Julia (as Craft): Okay.
Eric: —like, tumble head over heels down the big hill.
Julia: My head falls off, and once we settle, I put it back on.
Amanda: From far away, you hear Rowan go—
Amanda (as Rowan): Yeah. You did it again. Yeah!
Julia (as Craft): What's up? Just the two of us now.
Eric (as Jamie): You're not gonna make fun of me, are you, Craft?
Julia (as Craft): I'm not gonna make fun of you.
Eric (as Jamie): All right, keep this—
Julia (as Craft): Look at me, how can I make fun of anyone?
Eric (as Jamie): I— well, I mean, this might help you. I know— listen, 12 toes down, come on, that's not gonna do anything for me in the future—
Julia (as Craft): No.
Eric (as Jamie): —so I swap my powers out.
Julia (as Craft): With?
Eric (as Jamie): What do you mean with?
Julia (as Craft): How?
Eric (as Jamie): I got a guy. Do you need a guy?
Julia (as Craft): You got a guy?
Eric (as Jamie): Yeah. You need a guy.
Julia (as Craft): Jamie, you gotta give me that connect.
Eric (as Jamie): Well, you're gonna swa— only— you're gonna swap your powers out?
Julia (as Craft): Maybe.
Eric (as Jamie): I mean, arms detaching, that's pretty coo— that's pretty good. Are you gonna— you're gonna— you have so many powers. You know, they can hold one of your pow— like part of your powers for you, so you can focus on it. That might work, too.
Julia (as Craft): That could be cool.
Eric (as Jamie): I got a guy. You can meet him at a— you know, he hangs out at the Old Funbratory Park.
Brandon: Huh?
Julia (as Craft): What?
Eric (as Jamie): Well, you— everyone knows about the Funbratory. You don't know about the Funbratory?
Julia (as Craft): No. What the fuck is that?
Eric (as Jamie): You know, Jupiter used to have its own theme park, the Funbratory.
Julia (as Craft): Is it like a fun laboratory? Is that what you're trying to say?
Eric (as Jamie): Yeah, you got it, but it's the Funbratory.
Brandon: I see why it closed down.
Eric (as Jamie): Well, closed down because of the— because, you know, all those kids died.
Julia (as Craft): Because of the murders.
Eric (as Jamie): Well, they were— I mean—
Julia (as Craft): Well—
Eric (as Jamie): Can a roller coaster murder someone?
Julia (as Craft): I mean, if someone uses it as a tool for murder, yeah.
Eric (as Jamie): Well, that was disproven. What— here's the thing. The police finally took down the barriers around the Funbratory.
Julia (as Craft): Oh, shit.
Eric (as Jamie): So that's where he hangs out.
Julia (as Craft): Cool. What's his name?
Eric (as Jamie): You'll see him.
Julia (as Craft): I mean—
Eric (as Jamie): He's the guy swapping powers.
Julia (as Craft): I assume there's gonna be a lot of really cool people hanging around the abandoned amusement park, so I just want to know which guy I'm looking for.
Eric (as Jamie): I mean, you'll see him. Everyone's hanging out at the Funbratory.
Julia (as Craft): I know.
Eric (as Jamie): They're letting off steam because of midterms.
Julia (as Craft): So I want to know who the guy is if I'm going to be approaching people being like— is doing a legal transaction.
Eric (as Jamie): You'll see him. He has like a big jacket. That's so you do— that's how he does it. He does have his big jacket.
Amanda: I'm sure he's the only person at the abandoned theme park wearing a big jacket.
Julia: And Craft goes—
Julia (as Craft): No other questions, then. Big jacket.
Eric (as Jamie): Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, Craft.
Julia (as Craft): What?
Eric (as Jamie): I mean, are you gonna tell me one of your connects?
Julia (as Craft): Do you want my weed guy?
Eric (as Jamie): Yes.
Julia (as Craft): Oh, dude, I'll just sell you weed.
Eric (as Jamie): No, but I have to go through another person? Come on.
Julia (as Craft): No.
Eric (as Jamie): Come on.
Julia (as Craft): I just can— I buy mine from the dispensary. I'll just sell you weed.
Eric (as Jamie): Oh, fine. I thought it would be cooler. I thought you had, like, I don't know, like, minion number four isn't getting paid enough from my big bad.
Julia (as Craft): I don't have minions.
Eric (as Jamie): And, like, has to sell weed on the side.
Brandon: Banana.
Julia (as Craft): No.
Eric: Did you say banana? Fuck you.
Julia: He did say banana.
Amanda: Add it to the soundboard. Brandon, clip it.
Brandon: You said minion number four.
Eric: They're minions.
Brandon: Yeah, and there's more than one of them. That's a banana menu.
Eric: Oh, fuck you.
Julia (as Craft): Okay. So do you want some weed?
Eric (as Jamie): Yeah.
Julia (as Craft): Okay, here.
Julia: Craft hands over, like, a little baggie.
Eric (as Jamie): Hell yeah, dude. I did have sex, but, like, it didn't give me new powers.
Why did I tell you that? Fuck.
Julia (as Craft): Hey, real quick, are the ice powers the only powers you got?
Eric (as Jamie): Yeah.
Julia (as Craft): Yeah?
Eric (as Jamie): I want to straightforward. I'll get used— it get used to me— like, gets— you know, I'm, like, starting at, like, kindergarten mode.
Julia (as Craft): Did you see anyone else using this guy as a connect?
Eric (as Jamie): No, he's a secret power swapping—
Julia (as Craft): I know, but—
Eric (as Jamie): —connect and then you don't, like, do it together,
Julia (as Craft): I know, but like maybe as you were approaching, he was finishing up with someone or—
Eric (as Jamie): I— you keep your head down, man, come on. Why am I telling this to you?
Julia (as Craft): Because I want to know what's up.
Eric (as Jamie): You're the one wearing a drug rug that's just three different color shades of black, right now.
Julia (as Craft): What?
Brandon: Oh, no, he's color blind.
Julia (as Craft): Are you color blind?
Eric (as Jamie): Oh, you're— sorry. I thought you were wearing a different—
Brandon: Oh, no. Jamie can only see in black and white.
Amanda: After you have sex, you become color blind. Everyone knows that.
Brandon: In grayscale.
Eric: Oh.
Julia (as Craft): Was that what you sacrificed in order to get your powers? Can't see color anymore. That sucks, man.
Eric (as Jamie): Oh, my God. You're the one who looks like an absolute wasteoid. How am I explaining this to you?
Julia (as Craft): It's— what does he take for payment?
Eric (as Jamie): I didn't ask about his—
Julia (as Craft): What'd you give him?
Eric (as Jamie): I didn't ask about a payment plan, Craft.
Julia (as Craft): Oh, so you just, like, let him change your powers for free?
Eric (as Jamie): I gave him cash.
Julia (as Craft): Oh, okay. Well, that was what I was fucking asking, Jamie.
Eric (as Jamie): I gave him cash. Oh, my Go— what the fuck?
Julia (as Craft): Okay.
Eric (as Jamie): Why I'm explaining this to you? I thought you would know.
Julia (as Craft): I thought maybe—
Eric (as Jamie): I think you would be like, "Oh, yeah, definitely, like—" you're the one who has all the guys. Why I'm explaining this to you?
Julia (as Craft): What guys are you talking about?
Eric (as Jamie): Oh, you're— I thought you would know guys.
Julia (as Craft): I don't— I— I don't—
Eric (as Jamie): You, like, got a guy for all your shit and, like, you know all those bad— you know, like, fucking bad guys. I don't know why I'm explaining to— why am I explaining this to you?
Julia (as Craft): Okay. Bye, Jamie. I'm gonna tell everyone you had sex.
Eric (as Jamie): No, don't tell— okay. No, that's fine. I do want them to know. She lives in Guelph, G-U-E-L-F.
Julia (as Craft): That's nothing. That's nothing.
Eric (as Jamie): P-H. Shit! Look it up.
Julia (as Craft): That's literally nothing. Okay?
Eric (as Jamie): Guelph.
Julia: And then Craft leaves.
Eric (as Jamie): She was on the gymnastics team.
Julia (as Craft): Deuces.
Amanda: We cut to the courtyard where the smokers tend to hang out at our high school, but Rowan is pretending like she just needs some air and that Connor needs to go with her.
Julia: So you go hang out by the smokers?
Amanda: Yes.
Julia: Right.
Amanda: So Rowan goes outside and is like—
Amanda (as Rowan): Connor, I mean, I'm afraid that someone's gonna try to talk to me. Can you just, like, play defense while I just, like, take a minute?
Brandon (as Connor): Yeah, but I'm gonna smoke, though. Is that okay?
Amanda (as Rowan): Oh. I mean, if that's the thing you do now, yeah, sure.
Brandon (as Connor): Yeah, And I smoke cigarettes now, because it's, like, cool, and, like, you know, matches my clothes and stuff, so—
Julia: Are they clove cigarettes?
Brandon: They're candy cigarettes that will light on fire.
Amanda (as Rowan): Oh, that's fine, then.
Julia: Sick as fuck.
Amanda (as Rowan): That's fine then.
Amanda: And, yeah, Rowan kind of, like, kicks the dirt, toes a rock, kicks a weed, and says sorry. And then is like—
Amanda (as Rowan): I can't— Connor, I can't hold it anymore. I know you weren't willing to say in front of Craft, but like, are you guys okay? Did she do something? Did I do something? Because, like, if I did anything to make you upset, I really want to, like, make it right. And I— yeah, are you okay?
Brandon (as Connor): Why’d you make friends with Glimmer? Glimmer sucks, man.
Amanda (as Rowan): Honestly, do you want my honest answer?
Brandon (as Connor): I want your un-honest answer and then your honest answer.
Amanda (as Rowan): Un-honest answer, I was blinded by her shimmery tits.
Julia: Fair enough. Happens to the best of us.
Brandon (as Connor): Yeah. Real, real
Amanda (as Rowan): Honest answer, I realized I made a judgment about her without knowing about her as a person, and it made me feel like a bad person. And, like, I really owed her an apology. And, like, people assume things about me without knowing me, and that sucks when it happens to me. And so I wanted not to do it to someone else. And then when I realized I had, I kind of panicked and maybe, like, I went in the wrong direction too much, you know? But, like, I don't know. I feel like it's an important skill in life to, like, meet people and then be like, "What's your deal?" Without hitting them immediately, and that's kind of what I did.
Brandon (as Connor): I guess I can understand that, being me and all, but like, she is really mean to me at the party when you guys were gone. And—
Amanda (as Rowan): What?
Brandon (as Connor): —then she, like, tried to, like, talk shit about y'all and, like, try to, like—
Amanda (as Rowan): Whoa.
Brandon (as Connor): —scope me from your team.
Amanda (as Rowan): Right.
Brandon (as Connor): And, like, I didn't think that was cool. I'm like—
Amanda (as Rowan): Oh, shit. So it hurt your feelings when I wanted to be friends with her?
Brandon (as Connor): Yeah. I think she's lying. I think she's making up a facade because she wants to be in with the cool gals.
Amanda (as Rowan): Does that mean we're cool? Oh, it's because you smoke cigarettes now?
Brandon (as Connor): Yeah. Do you want one?
Amanda (as Rowan): Yeah.
Brandon (as Connor): Okay.
Brandon: Connor—
Amanda: And Rowan eats it. It's a candy cigarette. Don't smoke, kids.
Amanda (as Rowan): Well, shit, Connor, I'm really sorry. Can I give you a hug?
Brandon (as Connor): Yeah.
Amanda: Rowan gives him a big, warm hug, and also warms his molecules up by increasing— by decreasing the hold of gravity on them very, very slightly, so they go slightly further apart.
Julia: Craft comes running up and says—
Julia (as Craft): Jamie did have sex.
Brandon (as Connor): What?
Amanda (as Rowan): Nice.
Julia (as Craft): But also, there's another part to it.
Eric (as Wraith): Hey, guys.
Eric: Wraith comes up behind you.
Brandon (as Connor): Oh, God.
Amanda (as Rowan): Hey, what's up, Wraith?
Julia (as Craft): Hi, Wraith. What's up?
Eric (as Wraith): I don't smoke. I just like being around creeping death.
Brandon (as Connor): Do you want some candy?
Eric (as Wraith): No. Everyone's blowing off steam before the midterm. You know the Funbratory Park is open?
Julia (as Craft): Yeah, I want to go so bad.
Eric (as Wraith): Oh, hell yeah. We're going tonight.
Julia (as Craft): Fuck yeah.
Brandon (as Connor): I heard that place was, like, radioactive. No?
Eric (as Wraith): I think that's just what they said. Also, I think we're fine. What's the worst that could happen?
Julia (as Craft): We gain superpowers, am I right?
Brandon: And then we freeze frame as we high five in the air.
Amanda: And cut 'till we come out of the same high five as we're all in front of the gates of the Funbratorium.
Eric: It is 1:00 in the morning, and everyone— all— the entire— almost all of the senior class of Water's Edge Academy is at the abandoned park of the Funbratory. I need everyone to tell me one ride at the Funbratory and what happened to it while it was abandoned.
Julia: There's the Tilted Beakers, which are like a tilt-a-whirl kind of tea cups sort of ride.
Amanda: Cute.
Julia: Everything is shattered. They’re just kind of seats.
Eric: It's a seat with broken glass everywhere.
Julia: Uh-huh.
Eric: It is.
Brandon: Pretty good.
Amanda: There is a burlap bag slide, my favorite ride when I was a child. This is true. Which is titled The Scientific Method, and it takes you through the stages as you go down the slide from hypothesis to conclusion. However, people did lube it up real good and get way too much air. So you can see, like, 200 feet off the end of that slide, there are a lot of broken tree branches as people sailed over the fence and into the forest.
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: And then there is the Tunnel of Love Potions where—
Eric: Ah.
Amanda: Not Tunnel of Love?
Brandon: No, Tunnel of Love Potions where— when it was active, you can see—
Amanda: Sorry, the meaning of the phrase Tunnel of Love has just struck me anew for the first time.
Brandon: What?
Eric: What?
Julia: Uh-huh.
Amanda: Moving on.
Brandon: And when it was active, when it was functioning, you could scoop your hand down and take some of that love potion and, like, fall in love with your beau.
Eric: Your best gal.
Julia: Your ride partner.
Brandon: Your ride partner. Well, that's dirty, Julia. Okay?
Julia: Well, I mean, like, if you're going through the Tunnel of Love with someone.
Brandon: But now, it's turned curdled, so now it just looks like curdled milk and it tastes sour. And if you drink it—
Julia: Ew.
Brandon: —you gain an extra limb.
Eric: Yeah. People still hook up in there, but it's gross.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: And of course, the crowning achievement, the seismographer is the big roller coaster, the one that killed all those kids.
Brandon: Hmm.
Julia: Ah. Which we've determined through the criminal justice system—
Brandon: I was just—
Julia: —that it was not a murder weapon.
Brandon: We cut into court scene—
Eric: Right.
Brandon: —where the roller coaster is in the witness box.
Eric: Yeah, they said— they had to be quarantined for 20 years, and that quarantine just ended. And that's why—
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —the police took the barriers down.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: All the kids are just fucking, doing what teenagers do.
Brandon: They're all fucking?
Eric: What— Brandon, come— Brandon, come on.
Brandon: That's what you said.
Julia: Yeah, they're doing what teenagers do.
Brandon: That's what you said.
Julia: They're doing what teenagers do. Both can be true.
Eric: Yeah, in the Tunnel of Love Potions.
Brandon: Fucking?
Eric: I already said it, with the curdled potion. They're, like, sitting where not— they're not supposed to. They're hanging down on stuff. They're just finding places to drink. Someone has pulled out Boone's Farm and the worst vodka you've ever seen. It's from a country that doesn't exist in our world, only in the world of the podcast.
Julia: Wow.
Eric: And everyone is just hanging out.
Julia: My brain immediately went, "The Republic of Prince Edward Island, yes."
Amanda: Mine said, "Valdivia."
Julia: Ooh.
Eric: Ooh, that's pretty good. Oh, yeah, Valdivian vodka, notoriously terrible.
Brandon: Hmm.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: It comes in a rubber bottle.
Brandon: A rubber bottle?
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Not the plastic one?
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: No, no, it's rubber.
Brandon: Whoa.
Julia: So it can bounce.
Eric: Yeah, so it bounces when you drop it.
Brandon: Why?
Julia: Why not?
Eric: Because you— yeah. Because it's even cheaper than doing— it's even cheaper, they make it out of old tires.
Brandon: Hmm.
Eric: The vodka, not the bottle.
Brandon: Right, yeah.
Julia: Yeah, definitely doesn't taste like rubber, either.
Eric: No, it definitely doesn’t.
Brandon: You can make vodka from tires. You actually can.
Eric: You can?
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Oh, that's terrible.
Brandon: You can make vodka from almost anything.
Eric: I mean, that's what they do in Valdivia.
Amanda (as Rowan): So Craft, what do you want to do here? Do you want to try to, like, find this person and, like, tell them that, like, you think you want to switch your power so we can find them and, like, figure out more, and, like, apprehend them, and, like, pass our midterms?
Julia (as Craft): I— I'm gonna be honest with you, Rowan. I think someone was trying to fuck with you earlier today that might have used this guy to get power similar to yours.
Amanda (as Rowan): Whoa. It wasn't me.
Julia (as Craft): I know it wasn't you.
Amanda (as Rowan): That makes so much sense.
Julia (as Craft): Yeah. And it wasn't the weird, staticky lady that lives in your head, either.
Amanda (as Rowan): Yeah. And I haven't had sex with anybody, so my powers haven't changed either.
Julia (as Craft): Yeah.
Brandon: Connor looks at the ground and kicks a rock.
Eric: Someone has their, like, wireless JBL speaker that they've been playing the—
Brandon: Connor kills that person.
Julia: Hey.
Brandon: Connor snaps his neck.
Julia: What's wrong with the wireless JBL speaker?
Eric: You know, people like the cool tunes. It's agreeable cool tunes.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: The music shorts out suddenly, and you hear the chime of a triangle, once, twice, three times.
Amanda (as Rowan): Whoa, the three sides of a triangle. Fuck. Oh, no.
Eric: And standing under, kind of like the open the archway to the Funbratorium, the lights on the archway turn on, and some of them are, like, blinking. Some of them are cracked. Standing under them is a adult woman with all white hair, wearing a long, black duster coat. And attached to the duster coat has so many different fucking bubbles on it. She says—
Eric (as Mysterious Woman): Hey, kids, you're all here to catch a ghost?
[theme]