Brandy, you’re a fine girl / sweet, kind, and demure / but my life, my love, and my lady / is a touuuuuuuur
Dive into our ship combat mechanics, classes from Mage Hand Press, the countries of Verda Stello, and other changes we’ve made for C3 HERE!
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Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude: multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Eric: I remember a time before the Cascade dried up. Here in Verda Stello, the four nations of plants and bug people flourished and thrived. But the great waterfall that fed the land slowed to a trickle, revealing a vast Salt Sea and unknown islands. The only guide were the words of the 13 Dried Carvings. “The water will slow to fall, but the tides are turning. Find the Infinite Lake to replenish the world and discover the Salmon who will grant you a wish of whatever you desire.” This marks the beginning of the tide, as many Greenfolk hauled onto ships to find the Infinite Lake and maybe riches, adventure, excitement, and purpose along the way. And what exactly is a Salmon? Is that a berry? That was 50 years ago, and the Tide rushes forward ever still. There are many stories caught on the wind between sails but why don't we hear just one? Of a butterfly gunman with clipped wings, a ripened and explosive piece of produce, and a witch made out of tea. This is Join the Party Campaign 3, The Rising Tide!
[theme]
Amanda: Last time on Join the Party.
Eric: Round one of the Bullseye Games are over, so everyone spills out into the nightlife of Small Key. In the crowd, Cammie runs into her old friend and first pirate mentor, Smelly Haze. Umbi gets owned by some teens and Troy bumps into his childhood friend Lily Rose, who's very surprised to see him. The crew heads back to their competitor village and there's a pirate bonfire going on. They hang and drink with their competitors, talk about what the Salmon might be and Threelips gets really worked up about something. But most importantly, really, Cammie signs up for the early morning nerd tour to see the arcane barrier that surrounds the stadium. Do doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. You set your alarm for 4:30 AM so you can be first in line. Let's get the party started.
Eric: Black screen and then text appears, Day 2, Bullseye Games 5:00 am.
Brandon: [deep bass note]
Eric: Yeah. And then Brandon, can you play that bucolic—
Brandon: [deep bass note]
Eric: —no, not that one, the bucolic song. Can you play the bucolic symphony sound that everyone knows and—
Brandon: See the problem is that when you asked me it on tape Eric, it's funnier if I don't do it. So you should just ask, you should have just left it, then I would have done it.
Eric: No, you should do it anyway.
Brandon: But—
Eric: I'm asking you so you remember—
Brandon: Okay, okay.
Eric: —and then you cut me—me doing it.
Brandon: Got it, got it. Okay, cool.
Eric: Yeah. I know if I asked or you end up playing wha— Yakety Sax.
Brandon: Yeah. [laughs]
Julia: That's true. That's true.
Eric: Brandon, can you play that one song everyone knows? [hums Yakety Sax] I know you, I know you. You don't ask something straightforward to Brandon Grugle post-production.
Brandon: You should ask me to play Yakety Sax and then I'll play the bucolic thing.
Eric: Yeah, play the bucolic song. [Bucolic song] We fade it on the morning after the Pirate Party bonfire. Framboise is asleep in the same chair she was sitting in, she's too close to the fire. Like, you know when it gets too hot and the grass wilts? The stuff coming out of her shell— the cracks that her shell has wilted by being too close to the fire—
Brandon: Oh, no.
Julia: Awww.
Eric: — for too long.
Brandon: That's bad. She should get away from a fire.
Eric: Yeah. She— oh, she's fine. She’s seen worse.
Julia: It's like when your hair dries out because you're too close to a fire.
Eric: Yeah. Or like you singe like your arm hair when you like your flambe goes up. You know, Julia?
Julia: Yeah. I flambe all the time, baby.
Eric: Yeah, yeah.
Brandon: Flambaby.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Flambaby.
Amanda: Flam-bae, you better work.
Eric: The camera holds on her and then turns towards the Sea Whip's competition cabin. As we push in, we hear the more hard snoring, we see Troy— had it— remind me how Troy sleeps?
Amanda: Fully dressed.
Eric: Fu— right, fully dressed on top of a blanket.
Julia: Ready to go. Yup.
Eric: And we see Umbi, how does Umbi sleep?
Brandon: Uh, like a perfect little gentleman.
Julia: That's just not true.
Amanda: Nightcap.
Eric: He has— I like that you're—you changed into old man pajamas.
Brandon: oh, absolutely. Sorry. He—yes, you're absolutely right. Full uh—
Julia: Ebenezer Scrooge. Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah. Full satin-like top, matching bottoms, and matching hat. Yeah.
Eric: You're— you're really going honk shew.
Brandon: Yes.
Eric: Honk shew, honk shew.
Brandon: And even in this semi-magical realm, you see the letters appear in a text box as he snores.
Eric: Oh, absolutely. It's also it's— it is hard to hear because laying on top of you is Orello. So—
Brandon: Why is he with me? He was supposed to be with Troy.
Eric: He moved in the middle of the night. We cut to you know, like a—like a baby cam that's like so bad that he—
Amanda: Night vision.
Eric: —night vision. And you see Orello walking around like a cat in the middle of the night, like trying to get comfy on top of various ones of you.
Brandon: He's such a pervert.
Julia: Did Troy manage to pull Amber out of his pocket while he was sleeping though?
Amanda: Oh, can we roll for that?
Eric: Yeah, let's roll for that.
Amanda: [dice roll] How’s a 4?
Eric: No, no, you do it.
Julia: Oh, damn. It's alright Troy.
Amanda: He didn't have the heart, he didn't have the heart.
Julia: Get those— get those out now.
Amanda: Yeah, let’s do it.
Julia: Get that rolls out now.
Eric: Yeah. And as the camera turns to where Cammie's sleeping. Cammie, what's Cammie doing?
Julia: Cammie is not in bed, what are you talking about?
Brandon: Where's Cammie?
Julia: Cammie is outside getting ready for the nerd tour that's about to occur.
Amanda: Yay!
Brandon: Weee!
Eric: That's right.
Julia: Like drinking a steaming cup of tea, Nonny perched on her shoulder just ready to go, like eager to greet the day.
Brandon: Oh, is Nonny sleepy though?
Julia: Nonny is sleepy.
Brandon: Awww.
Julia: Nonny's not used to waking up Open Field’s style very early, so.
Brandon: Oh, so cute.
Eric: [Nonny snoring]
Brandon: She does. She wakes up Eric and she does a big stretch.
Julia: Big stretch.
Eric: [Nonny stretches]
Julia: And Cammie pulls out another cup of tea, but instead of tea it's just like warm salt water, and hands it to Nonny to drink.
Eric: Yeah, she—Nonny grabs it with five arms to make sure she doesn't drop it.
Amanda: Faceplants.
Eric: Yeah. I like that and you're like flipping through the divine rules manual, and you see that there's like a bookmark in it. So you can flip to that page, and it's like one ticket for the nerd shit.
Julia (as Cammie): Thank you. It's like you knew I was coming.
Julia: Yeah, I think Cammie's waiting outside like near where the bonfire party was last night.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Now I forgot to ask while we were at the bonfire party, but—
Brandon: Oh, you were drunk, that's fine.
Julia: Yes, I'm in— Cammie wasn't, but Julia was.
Brandon: Julia was, yeah.
Julia: But—
Eric: Julia needs to start eating before we record.
Julia: Yeah, I know that's the problem. Was Kid Cervantes there at the party?
Eric: That's an incredible question. Yeah, play—hey yeah, roll a D20, let's see.
Brandon: I'm gonna bet, I'm gonna bet yes.
Julia: Eric, I'm wasting my Nat20s on things like is Kid Cervantes is at this party?
Amanda: Damn.
Eric: Great. Well, well, Cammie let me tell you. Yeah, Kid Cervantes was there the entire time. It's kind of like—
Julia: Did I talk to him and I just don't remember?
Eric: Well, probably. You know, when like, you introduce a character in like season three, and you're like, oh, I've been here the whole time. And then like in a TV show, and then they show scenes from different perspectives—
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: —that has the character in it.
Amanda: Yes.
Julia: Like Jack Black in season two of Community.
Eric: Julia, exactly. That's exactly what I'm thinking about.
Julia: I got you, buddy, I got you.
Eric: It's exactly what I'm thinking about. So yeah, there are different angles of various things happening. Like Troy punching Framboise. Kid Cervantes is just in the back like a big—
Amanda: A single eyebrow up.
Eric: — big cactus man, one eyebrow cocked.
Brandon: Extremely good.
Eric: I also had it written down because I had this prepared, I just forgot to say it. Kid Cervantes is wearing big pants and a big scarf.
Amanda: Ohh.
Julia: Awww.
Brandon: I thought he was just in a pot. Yeah.
Eric: No, I mean—well, I didn't— I realized I didn't describe them that well. So in my— in my big pants, big puffy pants.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: And like a big wrap-around blanket scarf—
Brandon: Cute.
Amanda: Cool.
Eric: —that he has around his se—his prickly shoulders. But no, no shirt, always has Cushion on him. And I like that throughout the night, he's just in various places but he doesn't move. He's always just like in cowboy— like his arms are in cowboy stance all the time. And you— there's like a little tracker on his beer that he's been holding the giant 32-ounce beer can he's been holding the whole time, Foster's size. And it's like you could see there's a little tracker that's like 100%, 60%, 40%.
Julia: And no one saw him drinking it the entire time.
Eric: No. No one saw him move at all. He's just in various places. He's always in the background of the shot. So he has to be a different places around the party.
Brandon: Does he have two legs?
Eric: That's a good question. I think so.
Brandon: Oh, I hate that.
Eric: Oh no. I don't know. No, no, sorry. No, he doesn't have two legs. He just comes down like a— like a cactus.
Julia: Because he doesn't move?
Eric: Right.
Amanda: So it's like a maxi skirt.
Brandon: So weird.
Julia: I was picturing him like the cactus Digimon from the first season of Digimon a little bit.
Eric: Yeah, that's right.
Julia: I also love this vibe.
Brandon: Now, Eric is this scarf thing fashion or more like you found it around the house or it's been you know it's kind of tattered. Or is it like he—is he a fashionable cactus, or is he just more like old school desert-y kind of thing?
Eric: Oh, he's a fashionable cactus for sure.
Brandon: Okay, okay, cool.
Eric: I mean it certainly helps when you don't move, it helps your fashion stay in place.
Amanda: God, I wish.
Julia: Sure.
Eric: In my head—so I already said that like Cushion is colored with the pastiche of the American Southwest sunset. In my head, the—the pants are a burnt orange and the cactus also has sunset ombre kind of dyed throughout of it.
Brandon: Beautiful.
Amanda: Tbh, he sounds like every plus-size influencer I follow who goes to Palm Springs.
Eric: I mean, he is 6'7.
Amanda: I know.
Eric: And he's proba— and he's broad. So I uh—
Amanda: There you go.
Eric: —I take it.
Amanda: Same.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Same.
Brandon: It's a fas— fascist anything? A factus?
Eric: A factus, yeah, A factus is good.
Brandon: I don't like that.
Amanda: There you go.
Julia: Because otherwise, he's a fascist, which I think that's not good.
Amanda: Now we’re going for I don’t think.
Eric: Fashion cactus does feel like a blog I followed in 2010.
Julia: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Yeah. Cammie, Yeah. You got your—you got your ticket to go down to—go to the ne— the nerd convention. Seeing the infrastract— the magical and arcane infrastructure underneath Small Key Stadium.
Amanda: Yay!
Julia: Cammie's like—
Julia (as Cammie): I can't wait to meet more people who have similar interests to me.
Brandon: This sweet little child.
Eric: True, true, true. Yeah, you head down from the competition village. And walking through this town, and you see everything starting to open up. You want this to be like Belle, is that what you want?
Julia: Oh, that's exactly what I was gonna say. Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Bonjour! Bonjour! I learned that from Aubergine. Bonjour!
Brandon: Ahoy! Ahoy, ahoy, ahoy, ahoy!
Julia (as Cammie): Avast Ye! Avast Ye, Avast Ye, Avast Ye!
Eric: [sings to the tune of Belle] There goes that tea witch with her secrets like always. I wonder what the fuck her deal. But yeah, I think you're seeing a bunch of these storefronts open. You see the grocery that you were in last night, open up with kind of the actual owner and putting out like a lot of street-side market. And everyone has tons and tons of stuff. There's a food, hold on--
Amanda: Eric, it’s barrels. I got a 19, its barrels.
Eric: Okay, it’s just--
Julia: Barrels of food.
Eric: Yeah. So everyone is—
Julia: Barrel.
Eric: —putting out barrels of like, fruits and vegetables, and I guess wraps and sandwiches and things you cou— and water and drinks and things you can just kind of grab. Because again, Small Key Island is a like event-based economy with the craggy islands everywhere.
Brandon: Eric, are there souvenir shops where they people have like, made little small stuffed facsimiles of each of the contestants?
Eric: I would say so. I could say so. Hold on, let-- Brandon, let me check my notes.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Yeah, that's there, you're right.
Julia: Eric, I'm gonna go— go ahead and buy 3 Troys.
Brandon: Editor's note. Eric didn't look at anything. He just held his hands up and looked down at his hands.
Eric: He looked at his hands, you're right.
Amanda: Maybe he's just looking within himself, Brandon. Maybe his notes are just in his brain, and that's the difference.
Brandon: I mean, that's true. They are.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: It’s like—
Eric (as Vendor): Oh, first sale of the day. I remember— I remember you— you were down— I saw you really small earlier.
Julia (as Cammie): You’ll see me really small today too.
Eric (as Vendor ): Oh, Congratulations. Good luck.
Julia (as Cammie): Thank you. All the luck to my buddy Troy. Make sure you cheer for him in the audience.
Eric (as Vendor ): Don't worry, I knitted in all of his muscles.
Julia (as Cammie): Fantastic. He'll be so proud.
Eric: As you walk by you see that there's a ton of regional cuisine. There are some like snacks that you can only get from various countries at little stalls around everywhere.
Brandon: Did you make Epcot—
Julia: Oh my gosh.
Brandon: —Eric, did you make fantasy Epcot?
Eric: I— well, no, that was the last arc, Brandon.
Julia: That was the last arc, Brandon.
Amanda: This is very cute. Those adorable little bazaar. I want to go shop in it.
Eric: Yeah. So you can see that people are like cooking up all types of stuff. And they've been cooking probably-- I mean, it's already— it's 5:15 now but they've been cooking for the last hour getting ready for people to actually start walking up.
Julia: Wonderful.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: I think Cammie's gonna look for an Open Fields delicacy.
Eric: Please, Julia, tell me what that is.
Julia: I think it is a bowl of—hold on. Let me think of uh—
Brandon: Human hands!
Julia: You know when you like plant garlic and then you eat the green stuff and like people saute that?
Amanda: Scapes?
Julia: Scapes? Oh, it's a scapes and grits baby.
Eric: Ooh, scapes and grits, yeah.
Julia: Scapes and grits.
Eric: Well, you—and you look up and you see that Compassion Fruit Snacks are— is the checklist putting that out. Be like—
Eric (as Passion Fruit): Get your Open Fields grub. How are you supposed to follow the proper Path-- Follow the proper Path and never make any mistakes ever in your entire life if you don't have the protein and— the protein and vitamins that you especially need.
Julia (as Cammie): One scape and grits, please.
Eric (as Passion Fruit): Oh, absolutely. What—are you uh—are you someone— you're familiar with this food?
Julia (as Cammie): I am. Hello.
Eric (as Passion Fruit): Oh, whoah.
Julia (as Cammie): Are you?
Eric (as Passion Fruit): Abso—for sure. I never know— if some people are just like interested in it, I figured I'd a— I'd ask. And if you're coming this early, I guess we'll make— I can make you something special. Do you uh— do—do you want something extra?
Julia (as Cammie): Su—sure?
Eric (as Passion Fruit): I can give you—I can give you one of the good—one of the good scapes.
Julia (as Cammie): Sure. Thank you?
Eric (as Passion Fruit): Oh, yeah. Hold on. Yeah, hold on.
Eric: And this passion fruit woman with like a big apron all the way around her passion fruit body, reaches down into a very small barrel and pulls out a green onion. And then you see the bulb has a face on it. It's like—
Eric (as Passion Fruit Woman): Do you want—do you want this?
Julia (as Cammie): Umm.
Julia: Can I just roll to make sure this is not gonna turn into a person, cause this is a Cammie thing.
Eric: Yeah, sure.
Julia: [dice roll] Would that be Arcana?
Eric: What— what are you looking for?
Julia: As we've talked about before, Open Fields is like we can—the things we eat are typically the same things that like we become. And so I need to make sure that this is not something that is going to become a person but rather was distinctly harvested to be food.
Eric: Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, make an arcana check.
Julia: Great. I rolled a 10, not great but—
Eric: Yeah, I mean, obviously, because you're from Open Fields, this doesn't really faze you. Sometimes, when fruits and vegetables are harvested, they have a face on it. And sometimes it tastes better. It—it like tastes more. So some people eat and some people don't. Because it weirds them out.
Julia: Alright. I think Cammie just goes—
Julia (as Cammie): That looks delicious. Sign me up.
Eric (as Passion Fruit): Incredible.
Eric: And yeah, she pulls out a cutting board and chops it, chops it up, and throws it into your grits.
Julia: Great.
Brandon: And Julia, roll to see if you hear a scream? A tiny little scream.
Julia: I rolled an 18.
Eric: And I rolled a 19, so yes.
Julia: Great. Cool. Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Thank you so much.
Julia: Just scarfs it down with a spoon.
Eric: Nonny grabs a piece off your spoon that looks like— that definitely looks like a nose and pops it in her mouth.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. Enjoy baby.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Cool.
Eric: You look around there's yeah—and there's others—there's other stuff around you, you— there's some other Open Fields stuff. And all from the various countries and pirates. Though uh—give me a perception check.
Julia: [dice roll] It's a 16 plus 3 for a 19.
Eric: Great. So there is a Crags food stand, it's carved out of a piece of granite.
Brandon: Cool.
Julia: That’s cool as fuck.
Eric: With like an umbrella in it. And it says out of stock, we'll be back later.
Julia (as Cammie): Ohhh. Huh.
Eric: With a 19 also you notice that that sucks for them because this is the rush, once people start.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: So the—if they're out of stuff, that's a big problem for whoever is running the stall.
Julia (as Cammie): That's a bummer. Maybe there'll be back when Troy wakes up in several hours.
Brandon: Brutal, absolutely brutal.
Amanda: Hope it wasn't the rock grubs we got from the shipwreck.
Julia: Oh yeah, that's true, could be.
Brandon: I didn't know that Cammie was such a good shot that she could snipe Troy from all the way across town.
Julia: It's 5 AM, what do you want for me?
Eric: Brandon, is it a— is it a burn if it's true?
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Only if the person thinks it's an insult.
Eric: Alright. Yeah. Cammie, you’re— you're wandering your way down the boardwalk, and you get closer and closer to Small Key Island. I think it's always fun. I—I feel this way going into any sort of like big stadium. It’s always fun trying-- going when it's not busy. I was actually just at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn for a WNBA game and it was actually pretty empty. And I was just like, this is so weird.
Amanda: Is that because of sexism in women’s sports?
Eric: It's because of sexism.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Yeah, because of sexism.
Amanda: Right, right, right.
Eric: It was a— it was also Tuesday—
Amanda: Right, right, right.
Eric: — but it was like it was weird how empty it was. So I think it's like as you get closer, it's just this kind of like hulking building that’s still.
Julia: Okay. Alright.
Eric: Yeah. See— after seeing it full of life and it's like, look-- the difference between looking at someone who's alive and someone laying in their coffin, it chills you a little bit.
Julia: Does it or is Cammie like—
Julia (as Cammie): Wow, it's beautiful. Like walking through a ruin.
Eric: No, it's that— is that one, you're right.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. And as you get closer, yeah you see that there's a group of folks standing outside and you see the—a grasshopper with an extra large clipboard is kind of jumping around being like—
Eric (as Grasshopper): Okay, is everybody here? We're about to leave in five minutes, five minutes. [jumping sound] And they have really big glasses to demonstrate they're nerds.
Julia: They're nerds. Yeah, great. Who else is in the tour group?
Eric: That's a good question. I wonder if there were some people that we knew who were in the tour group.
Amanda: Well, I think in the tour group, there is a russet potato named Amanda McLoughlin.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): I was here two hours ago, I'm so excited for this tour.
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Oh my gosh, me too. I'm so excited.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): That's amazing. I—all my friends were up late drinking and I went to bed at 8 PM to make sure I was ready for the tour. I'm so excited.
Julia (as Cammie): Incredible. Would you like to meet my octopus?
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Oh my god, of course. Hi. My name is Amanda. I love infrastructure and books.
Julia (as Cammie): This is Nonny, she also loves infrastructure.
Eric: [Nonny answers]
Eric: And that means cars are the devil, public transit needs to rise.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Oh my god. I truly agree.
Julia (as Cammie): That's true.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): We should ban them.
Eric: Yeah. Just to ask. Do your eyes as russet potato also have glasses on them?
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: Okay, great.
Amanda: Yes. There were like six or seven little eyes browning.
Eric: Cool.
Amanda: But this potato is only 31, so the other one is browning a little bit.
Julia: Okay, cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.
Eric: Are there any other NPCs that we know were there?
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Oh and sir, you look excited to be here.
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): It's so early.
Brandon: And you look and you see a radish that's like, maybe like four days past his prime. You know, still got the radish tops but like definitely thinning.
Amanda: A nice breakfast—
Julia: Is he also--
Amanda: A little like ombre from red to white.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Julia: Is he also there with a coffee bean, that is really excited to be there?
Brandon: Absolutely. Yeah. And he also has a cup of coffee.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda); I just think it’s exciting that we get to get up and by the time everybody else is waking up for their coffee and their breakfast, we're like, oh my God. I've seen infrastructure.
Julia (as Cammie): I know right? Like, it's— everyone else is wasting the day away.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): I know. And then later when they say like, what did you do today? I'll be like, I went on this tour. And then they'll be like, oh, boring, stupid god. Do you want to like take a shot, or like play game, and I'll be like, sounds bad and dumb, and then I'll go fall asleep.
Brandon (Radish Brandon): I would like it if this tour was three hours later.
Julia (as Cammie): Interesting. Um, I think everything looks beautiful by the light of dawn.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): So nice.
Julia (as Cammie): So is the tour starting yet?
Eric (as Grasshopper): Say— Alright, is everyone here? Does everyone have their tickets?
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Yes.
Julia (as Cammie): Yes!
Eric: The coffee bean holds up two tickets. Because a— because a ticket fell out of the Radish’s pocket.
Eric (as Grasshopper): Alright. So welcome, it seems like all of you are interested are— all of your attune to the most interesting thing we have here at Small Key Island. Which is, of course, the Arcane Infrastructure below the stadium.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Yay!
Julia (as Cammie): Amazing!
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): Woaaah!
Eric (as Grasshopper): Alright, well, I think the word is gonna go—we're gonna walk down the stairs that will lead us to the submarine area, that can show that—that can show off exactly what's been put together. since the construction of the stadium.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Can I ask questions now?
Julia (as Cammie): Does that mean—
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Should I hold them?
Julia (as Cammie): I was about to ask a question.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Oh, man!
Julia (as Cammie): I didn't even consider asking if I could ask the question.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): I'm trying to be polite, make sure the tour guide likes me at the end of it. That's the most important thing about this tour.
Julia (as Cammie): And then you leave a generous tip. Yes.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Oh, I tip them already, I tip them before—
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, wonderful.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): So they think I'm a good person.
Eric: Yeah. You see the—you see the grasshopper slide a piece of Amber into their pocket, be like—
Eric (as Grasshopper): Yeah, you can ask questions whenever you want. I can't stop you.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Thanks… Ja--
Julia: What's the grasshopper's name?
Amanda: Jalamby.
Eric: Jalamby
Amanda: Yep.
Julia: How do you spell that for me?
Brandon: I thought Amanda was just making a noise until the grasshopper would fill in the name.
Amanda: J A L A M BY. Jalamby.
Julia: Okay.
Eric (as Jalamby): Yeah, exactly what it says on my—on my nametag, Jalamby.
Julia (as Cammie): Thank you.
Brandon: You look—the camera does a hard close-up pivot to the name tag and it just says J and then just like water stains, so you can't really tell what it says.
Eric: Yeah, yeah. So the grasshopper leads the group down below the stadium, and you're kind of going down this stone stairs is like—
Eric (as Jalamby): Yeah, these stone stairs were actually carved directly into the side of the island. That's what kind of keeps everything in place. There’s no actual joints. It just kind of stays propped up on itself through physics.
Eric: And everyone goes,
Eric (as Everyone): Ohh, physics.
Julia (as Cammie): Wow.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): So elegant.
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): What kind of physics?
Eric (as Jalamby): The ones that exist.
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): Oh, cool. How do you make sure that they don't shift?
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Um, I think probably going to get to that later in the tour.
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): I'm sorry, what's your name?
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Amanda.
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): Cool. So how do you make sure they don't shift?
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Wow.
Eric (as Jalamby): Great question and I love your enthusiasm. The way that we make sure it doesn't shift is that it's actually balanced based on the flow of the Great Salt Sea.
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): Woah!
Julia (as Cammie): Wow!
Eric (as Jalamby): The entire ring of Verda Stello is a ra—is a ring, but the center is where everything kind of balances. Imagine Verda Stello, I don't know, is maybe some sort of Beyblade or top.
Julia (as Cammie): Wow!
Brandon: I was thinking top and then you said Beyblade.
Eric (as Jalamby): And the center of gravity actually is strongest here in the mid-center of the doughnut or Beyblade.
Julia (as Cammie): Interesting.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): So we're in the middle of the pole world right now.
Eric (as Jalamby): Absolutely.
Julia (as Cammie): This is the exact center? Wow.
Eric (as Jalamby): Well, no, it's not the exact center there is a Is— there is an island and—there's an island, and an entire tourist industry propped up around being the exact center of Verda Stello. I'm saying that the Great Salt Sea is-- as being the center, The Great Salt Sea has the strongest pole to keep everything in place. And of course, we reinforced that with our arcane barriers.
Julia (as Cammie): Interesting.
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): Are you saying that there are people that's um— I'm sorry, I'm new to Verda Stello. Are you saying that there are people—
Julia: Sorry, I never studied geography, what's that?
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): People have been to the exact center of Verda Stello already?
Eric (as Jalamby): Oh, yeah. Over the last—over the last 50 years. Absolutely, that was one of the first things people did.
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): And no one found the Salmon?
Eric (as Jalamby): No. It turns out the Salmon was not in the center. It was the first place that most people looked. It was actually the current bid— the current Builder took—the current Builder took time away from their stewardship of Hothouse to find the exact center of—to find the exact center of the Great Salt Sea. Because in his words, well, it's obviously the most logical place to put something, so I'm gonna go check it out. It wasn't there.
Julia (as Cammie): Interesting.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): What was?
Eric (as Jalamby): No—nothing. It was just water.
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): Well, now there's probably a sign that says the center of Verda Stello. Yeah.
Eric (as Jalamby): Yeah, exactly. And now there's—
Julia (as Cammie): Did they look under the water?
Eric (as Jalamby): I can only assume so. I feel like—
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric (as Jalamby): —we would have found it, but— they would have found it by then. But I'm just a humble tour guide. I don't know everything about the secret.
Julia (as Cammie): But you're doing a great job.
Eric (as Jalamby): Thank you.
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): Doing great.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Jalamby, Can—you tell me more about the exact sort of arcane rituals that are protecting the island?
Eric (as Jalamby): Absolutely. In fact, I think that we'll be able to see it right now.
Eric: As all of you get to the bottom of the stairs, and you're kind of—Cammie, your ne-- you’re back, kind of on the other side of the stadium. Underneath the stadium, but you're on the other side.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: Where the ships pulled in is on the far side of the stadium, which is like overhanging onto the water. The stadium is over the water, and enough for large ships to kind of pull under in park in those—
Julia: Right, because we originally sailed in underneath it.
Eric: Yes, exactly. And you're kind of like on that far side with the overhang and a very small kind of like little island, where like the legs—the legs of the stadium are propped up, but you're on the island side now and you kind of see how much is overhanging the island from below. A third of the stadium is propped up on the edge of this island. And then the middle 60% is overhanging the water. And then the final 10% has these big, big stadium legs that are jammed into this kind of very small, like almost sandbar island sort of thing.
Brandon: Cool.
Eric: Which is where all of you pull up.
Julia: It's tight as fuck.
Amanda: Sounds lovely.
Eric (as Jalamby): Yeah. And you can see now there's a reason why we do this tour very early, to make sure we have the proper clientele. But also—
Brandon (as Radish Bradon): What does that mean?
Julia (as Cammie): That's us.
Eric (as Jalamby): —of appreciators.
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): Oh, okay.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): I love appreciating, it's my whole thing.
Julia: You know, it's funny when Amanda does an impression of herself, it sounds like Cammie.
Eric: True.
Brandon: The thing is that I can't do an impression of myself on a tour because I would be silent the entire time.
Eric: Writing—writing down notes.
Eric (as Jalamby): You—but you could also-- this particular angle at this time will be able to give you the clearest idea of this arcane barrier.
Eric: You see that the sun rises to exactly 6:02 and the sun beams catch something that kaleidoscopes out.
Julia (as Cammie): It's beautiful.
Eric: Beautiful colors in fra-- different fractals, like it's passing through both glass and a spider web. And it's something more substantial than a spider web, but more transparent than glass. It catches the light and rainbows and various colors.
Amanda: What a beautiful image
Brandon: That's the name of my chapbook.
Eric: That whole— the whole description?
Brandon: Something more than a spider web, something—
Julia: More substantial than a spider web.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: More translucent than glass.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: I will send you my Switch light if you get that tattooed on your body.
Julia: Wow.
Eric: So, just that out there, just that out there.
Eric (as Jalamby): As soon as the first pirates came here and established Small Key, the island, the grasshoppers in the area decided that they wanted more people to enjoy this and they put together this stadium just from various things that were—were lying around here in the sea and on other islands.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Pirates are so resourceful.
Julia (as Cammie): So all of the things that make up this magical barrier were just lying around?
Eric (as Jalamby): No, that's the stadium. The magical barriers were pulled together by that one scary grasshopper who's all of our cousins, who def— who knew how to do magics.
Julia (as Cammie): What's his name?
Brandon: Jesus Christ.
Julia (as Cammie): Is he still around?
Eric (as Jalamby): Yeah, Alfons— Oh, I—we don't— you don't want to talk to Alfons, you don't.
Julia (as Cammie): Where can I find him?
Eric (as Jalamby): We don't keep—the other part of his whole thing, is we don't keep track of him.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric (as Jalamby): But he's al— he's fier— supposedly, he's around for maintenance. But it seems like things are going pre— things are going pretty alright.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. Can I ask— I understand it's very dangerous out here on the Great Salt Sea. But was there anything in particular that you are protecting yourselves from putting up this magical barrier?
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): Like monsters?
Eric: From below you, you feel big womp.
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): What was that?
Eric: And then you hear, womp, womp.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Oh, no.
Eric: Womp.
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): Are we in danger?
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Ahhhh.
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): Tour guide, protect me.
Eric (as Jalamby): Oh, there's nothing to worry about, see. You're actually— this is incredible. You're going to be able to see the arcane barrier in action.
Eric: And every time you hear the womp, the vibrations reverberate through the arcane barrier, like ripples on a pond.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Wow.
Brandon (as Radish Brandon): And you're sure that thing holds?
Eric (as Jalamby): Oh, absolutely. It seems like the sea monsters are getting— are up to their mor—their morning breakfast, and we're very excited about it.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm very familiar with sea monsters that like to have an early nosh in the morning.
Eric: And then you feel more womp, womp, womp, three more big slams against the arcane barrier.
Julia: Can I just super quickly roll an Arcana check and like make sure that this is functioning and there's no weak spots or anything like that.
Eric: Oh, sure.
Julia: Yeah. [dice roll]
Eric: Oh, Amanda and Brandon, you also have stats.
Amanda: Cool.
Eric: So you can also roll for things as well.
Brandon: Can I just have all negatives and everything?
Amanda: Did Eric assign us stats and strengths?
Eric: Only— only if you ask me nicely.
Julia: I rolled a 22.
Eric: 22 for Arcana.
Amanda: Wow.
Julia: 18 plus 4.
Brandon: That's very good.
Eric: So you're looking up-- Alfons Hairylegs, certainly as a magician out on the water or whatever kind of magical user he was. Seems like he did it, it's pretty good— in a pretty good way. He set up arcane pillars on each one of the legs of the stadium and also then double-checked it against the circular structure. Like in a real hub and spoke model like this—the spokes of the wheel touched on each one of the stadium parts then came down onto the legs, which then became like the cylindrical arcane barrier. With a 22, you do see a bead of sweat running so delicately down the forehead of this grasshopper giving the tour.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Julia: Cammie does not say anything to not cause a panic among everyone else that's around here.
Amanda: Amanda the russet potato is going to crouch down near the like, is it like a wall or a floor? Like what's our relationship to the barrier?
Eric: Yeah, I feel like that you're—it's kind of like you're walking down the stone steps, and now you're below the stadium at sea level.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: And I think that you're kind of on this stone platform, which has been carved in— literally carved in the island. So you can—you look up and you see all the stadiu— you see the stadium which is above you. And then imagine below you there's a cylindrical arcane barrier leading all the way around. So you can't touch it, but it's like 20 feet away. The stadium itself is 20 feet away, but you're right at sea level so you can see it exactly where it's happening. And you see the reverberations both through the water, you can even look down and there's a big dark mass slamming against something down there.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Cammie waves.
Amanda: That's what Amanda the Potato is going to crouch down and kind of look at, and I would love for her to roll insight on something related to what exactly kind of creature is trying to get through the barrier. And is it cute?
Eric: Because Aman—I know Amanda the russet potato pretty well, I would say this is nature.
Amanda: Uh-huh.
Eric: And I'm sure you have a plus 2 to nature because you love animals.
Amanda: Yay! [dice roll]
Brandon: Can I revise? I should have been a stalk of celery.
Eric: You could still be a stalk of celery. Are you still thinning on the top?
Brandon: Uh-huh. My celery leaves are thinning on top.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: Are you—Brandon, are you a little limp? Are you a little like pliable?
Brandon: Yeah, like a—yeah, yeah. Exactly.
Julia: Like if we bent you, you would not snap, you would simply bend?
Brandon: Exactly. Yeah. So everyone imagine—who's imagining a radish, imagine now I'm a stalk of celery.
Amanda: Okay. Hell yeah.
Eric: Damn. You're so much taller than the coffee bean who's holding your hands.
Amanda: I rolled a 14 plus 2 for a 16.
Eric: 14 plus 2 for 16. Well, first of all, it's not cute.
Amanda: Damn it.
Eric: On some level, when you live that far below the water and you're that big, it's impossible. You're outside of the cuteness factor.
Amanda: Sure.
Brandon: Wow, that's very vicious of you? I don't know, Eric. They're very cute animals down there, you know, you know.
Amanda: Not—not in the depths.
Eric: Not only—not all the way down there.
Brandon: I think you just need to reframe what your idea of beauty is.
Eric: Wow, it's my fault. I—I have such—I care so much about traditional--
Amanda: Excuse me, Eric loves his bulbous tuber wife, so you can’t be maligning his taste right now.
Eric: Yeah, there's a lumpy heirloom tomato somewhere, that's like, I love my tuber wife.
Amanda: Yes. I would be very into a nightshade.
Eric: Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, Tom Brady doesn't want to eat me.
Amanda: No.
Eric: He's afraid.
Amanda: We’re like stay away.
Eric: Um, what's down there?
Eric (as Jalamby): Hey, e—everyone, please move back from the side of the— from side— please, ma'am, please don't lean your entire body over the water. It's—it seems like not.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Oh, I can't pet it? That's not good.
Eric (as Jalamby): No, it's too deep down there, you cannot reach.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Ohhh.
Eric: So you're getting hustled away from the site. It's big, and I think it's deep enough that it still kind of just looks like a circular mass down there. It's big, though.
Amanda: Got it.
Eric: Which is why— which is all I can tell you with 16.
Brandon: Like for our comparison, not in-world, but like the size of a car the size of a, like a house?
Julia: Whale? A whale?
Brandon: A whale?
Eric: I don't —yeah, I would say whale, or at least such just the magnitude of knowing like— I don't know if any of you have been whale watching or have been on the water for that long and seen something big down there that then breaches. And it's just like, it's wild to think how small we are on the water. And it just like something, you'll know it's down there. And only once you breach you're like, oh, that was a whale. But it could have been anything, and it's big.
Brandon: Could have been Godzilla. Who knows?
Julia: Yes.
Eric: I would say whale. Yeah, let's say whale.
Amanda: Yeah, bigger than our vessel, so to speak.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Certainly. Oh, I—
Eric: Some might say you might need a bigger boat. Continue.
Brandon: They might.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Oh, I— sorry, I um, I thought that—I thought that—is this like not usual? This is not usually how sort of enthusiastic they are. I sort of assumed this is one of those tours where like, you know, like put out a little bait in the beginning so we you know, like see something live and come back into view again.
Eric (as Jalamby): Ordinarily, we do throw some things in the water just to make them happy. But it seems like they're getting plenty of food on their own. Certainly a little more lively than we anticipate in the morning.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Wait, what do they eat?
Eric (as Jalamby): Oh, they eat plenty of stuff. They forage for themselves down in the deep. Or sometimes they come up and it's something that all you pirates out there need to be aware of. But it seems like they might have gotten some extra food that we weren't anticipating, but I don't think it's anything to worry about. This one particular fella just seems to be a little more enthusiastic this morning, which all of us could be. Am I right, coffee bean lady?
Amanda: And she goes, wooo!
Eric: And she goes—
Eric (as Coffee Bean Lady): Achoo!
Brandon: Oh, that's what you were doing. I see now.
Julia: Yeah, what do you think I've been talking about? Why do you think we made her a coffee bean?
Brandon: I don't know, I was confused.
Julia: Because she's the coffee ghost.
Eric: She's the coffee ghost.
Amanda: Holding your hand.
Brandon: I thought I was just alone on this tour.
Julia: Nooo.
Eric: There's a coffee bean who picked up your ticket after you dropped it.
Brandon: Well, I was gonna say—
Brandon (as Celery Brandon): Thank God I'm so bland, ha.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): I'm pretty worried because I'm highly nutritious.
Eric (as Jalamby): That's right, that's where we want everyone to back off. This—they don't feed on Greenfolk, there's nothing for you to worry about. But it does definitely do not want to be in the area when they're getting excited.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Got it.
Julia (as Cammie): No, you know, typically they feed on ships like the ones that have been coming to the island this whole time.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Yeah. Is this like not a good time to be doing a tour, if there are a ton of people and also ships in this area?
Brandon (as Celery Brandon): I mean—
Eric (as Jalamby): There is always a good time to be doing a tour. You know what—
Brandon (as Celery Brandon): It's definitely not at 5 AM, am I right?
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Alright. I already tipped you Jalamby, you can level the—
Eric (as Audience): Wooo!
Eric: The studio audience— the studio audience stands and claps.
Julia (as Cammie): Hey, hey Jambaly, what was your name? Jambaly?
Amanda: Jalamby.
Julia (as Cammie): Jalamby. Hey, Jalamby.
Eric (as Jalamby): Yeah?
Julia (as Cammie): Come over here for a sec.
Eric (as Jalamby): Alright. Everyone, keep looking at it. It's beautiful, it's one of the Planter's miracles. Yes. How can I help you?
Julia (as Cammie): You know, that thing ate a ship yesterday, right? Or two days ago? You know, that thing ate a ship like two days ago, right?
Eric (as Jalamby): I mean, that doesn't surprise me.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, so is that why it's like very enthusiastic right now?
Eric (as Jalamby): I can't say what was on the ship or things or the various things that were it was holding or who was there. They don't—
Julia (as Cammie): Do you think— so you think that something on the ship might have gotten it a little like super excited?
Eric (as Jalamby): I'm not a deep sea—
Julia (as Cammie): You're not at liberty to say?
Eric (as Jalamby): I'm not a deep-sea cryptozoologist. I can't. No, you wouldn't—it wouldn't be Zoo. What's a plant scientist?
Julia: Botanist?
Eric (as Jalamby): I'm not a crypto-botalogist. I can't say for sure why—what or why something is happening to our fellows in the deep.
Brandon (as Celery Brandon): I'm sure a butt-alogist, am I right studio audience?
Eric (as Audience): Wooo! Kiss her!
Eric: Sorry. It was one of those horny 90s sitcom audiences that were there.
Eric (as Audience): Kiss. Kiss!!
Brandon: Then they get escorted out by security.
Julia (as Cammie): Hey, listen, I know you're not— that's not your expertise. You know who I would love to talk to whose expertise it might be? Your—your cousin, Alfons. I know you guys don't keep track of him but like, who maybe might know vaguely where he is? That would be helpful.
Eric (as Jalamby): It's our—it's the policy of Small Key Island that we don't allow-- We don't disturb Alfons Hairylegs from his important work.
Brandon: I'm gonna laugh every time you say that.
Julia: It’s really good.
Eric (as Jalamby):—from his important work of magics and the arcane. It's part of the deal that we have to keep our family together and happy. I guess you can talk to the mayor if you'd like if you have— they have time. But you know, they're very bu—he's very busy, especially because—especially during Bullseye season.
Julia: Can Nonny try to pickpocket this guy and take the Amber that character Amanda gave him while we're talking about this?
Eric: Yes, sure.
Brandon: I love that Julia is so Amber motivated.
Amanda: It's great.
Julia: Well, I have a motivation here, so hold on.
Brandon: I know, it's Amber.
Julia: Okay. Am I adding Stealth or Sleight of hand?
Eric: A Sleight of Hand.
Julia: Okay. So that is a 17 plus 2 for a 19.
Eric: Yeah, how do you do it?
Julia: I think while I'm talking to this guy, I have an arm around him, and Nonny slorps from my one shoulder onto his shoulder then picks his pocket, and then slorps back.
[Nonny hums Mission Impossible theme]
Eric: Well as a gentleman who just rolled a 1, Nonny does that gracefully and beautifully. And this grass—grasshopper has absolutely no idea. I think there's a moment where Jambaly gestures with their hand who’s hol—that's holding the clipboard and Nonny’s stuck to the back of it.
Julia: And Cammie like nods approvingly like—
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, baby.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Good job.
Eric: Yeah. Who then—and slorps back into the holster and drops an Amber into your hands.
Julia: And then Cammie holds out their hand is like—
Julia (as Cammie): Well, would one piece of Amber perhaps inform me where I can find Alfons?
Brandon: Question actually, Eric?
Eric: Yeah?
Brandon: Is Amber just a pirate currency? Like the sort of assassins coin thing? Or do normal people also get excited about Amber?
Eric: So great question. So in John Wick, you can pay assassins coins at the hotel, and you can give it to the sommelier who gives you guns, et cetera. So it's like a—if you're in the pirate business, that— your main form of currency-- like doublooms, you throw everywhere for any reason. But Amber is when you're— you're actually spending money.
Brandon: Cool.
Julia: Like the fact that we're on the Great Salt Sea means that Amber currency is useful even if you're not a pirate.
Eric: Absitively. Yeah.
Brandon: Give it to other pirates. Yeah, yeah. Got it. Cool.
Eric: Yeah. It's like—
Eric (as Jalamby): Yeah, okay, you can go to the top of the inactive undersea oversea volcano.
Julia (as Cammie): Wonderful. Thank you, Ja—Jalamby. What was that again?
Amanda: Jalamby.
Julia (as Cammie): Jalamby. Thank you, Jalamby.
Eric (as Jalamby): It's Ja—it's Jason. Gotta get a new one.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, Jason.
Eric (as Jason): Yeah?
Julia (as Cammie): I appreciate the work that you're doing, keep it up. And I know it's hard sometimes when a giant monster is attacking, you're not certain why it's doing that. To keep calm, I appreciate you keeping calm for these you know, normies.
Eric (as Jason): Just don't—don't tell any of the other grasshoppers I told you. This is gonna— I won't be invited to— I won't be invited to the next harvest day festival.
Julia (as Cammie): I would never, Jason, I would never.
Eric (as Jason): It's gonna be so much dra—so much drama. I will get so many letters from— from my cousins.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. I'll just tell people that I read it in the tea leaves, and I found Alfons on my own.
Eric (as Jason): It's true. If I would. Yeah. Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): High five?
Eric (as Jason): No.
Eric: And Jason walks away.
Julia: Cammie pouts.
Eric: Wonderful. Yeah. So yeah, it's like—
Eric (as Jason): Alright. Does anyone have any other questions? It seems like it's getting a little rowdy here, so we should head back up, but I can answer any other questions about the creation of the stadium that you want.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Yes!
Julia (as Cammie): Thank you Jason.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Sorry, it seems like we are both just question-askers, and I in my life love other questions. askers. Unless they feel threatened by them, then I want to be the only one in the room. So anyway—
Julia (as Cammie): No, no, I was just gonna thank him for his time.
Brandon (as Celery Brandon): Oh dear God, let's get out of this room. We're about to get murdered by this monster thing.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Um, sure.
Eric (as Jason): It's a tour, you can just le— you can leave.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Yeah.
Eric (as Jason): You can leave, it's fine.
Amanda (as Potato Amanda): Weird energy, but—no, what I would love to know is what do we do in case of an emergency?
Eric (as Jason): Actually, it's really simple. We have a three-point plan. The first is—
Eric (as Alfonso Soriano): [PA System] Pow, pow, pow, pow. Tonight, it's Day 2 of the Bullseye Games. We're back in the locker room and everyone has been properly fueled and don't have hangovers anymore.
[theme]
Amanda: Hey, it's Amanda, and this mid-roll reminds me of the smell of the announcement. Eric and I are going to the UK. Okay, Eric and I are going to Manchester, England. Oh, just like the hair song on August 19, 2023. Where along with Jasper Cartwright, and a special guest we are doing our first-ever non-US live show. Guys, this is your chance. I can firmly say your only chance for 2023 to see me and Eric in Europe. So if you live in the Europe, if you live in the UK, if you want to like visit friends or family in England, now is your time. Okay? If you're like oh my god, I live in like Belgium or Finland or whatever, guys, we try further than that for our favorite gas stations, okay? You got to come over. We're going to visit game stores, arcades, cafes, pubs. Wonder why it's so hard to get ice in our drinks. I'm gonna order so many ciders, I can't wait. So get your tickets now to see me and Eric and Jasper Cartwright in a special guest playing games and answering advice questions and so much more. Right now, get it right now for August 19 at gamesandfeelings.com/live. That link is also in the episode description. Okay, guys gamesandfeelings.com/live. Okay, back to the usual mid-roll. The smell that I was talking about, it's honeysuckle, it's good smell. Welcome to our newest patron Drew Peterson. We can only make the show because you Drew, like you right now, Drew Peterson and all of our other patrons support us with your money each month. For just five bucks a month, you can know that you're making the show possible and also get a bi-weekly podcast from us party planning. And also you have access to our patron-only Discord, which is the best place on the internet TM TM. And at even higher amounts at $8 a month, you can get ad-free episodes. Alright, you don't have to dwell with me in this mid-roll. 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Amanda (as Troy): Oh, you guys party like that every night on the circuits? It's amazing, bruh.
Brandon: Do you think plants would get hangovers?
Julia: Yes.
Amanda: Wilty, yelling buildup of saltzer. The—you know.
Brandon: Oh yeah, yeah.
Eric: The lactic acid. Yeah, like calcium deposits. Yeah.
Brandon: Interesting. Calcium deposits.
Amanda: Troy's just pumping iron, glistening, looking around the room, getting stoked, given little like winks and finger guns around his new friends and assiduously avoiding Threelips.
Brandon: Umbi is next to Troy just massaging each bicep.
Eric: Cool. One bicep and the other.
Julia: There's several.
Eric: Yeah. Troy has two, he's double-jointed.
Amanda: Every time we talked about Troy's muscles, I in the studio, make a little muscle. And I just had— do have to point out that my arm looks exactly like a chicken breast and so I want everybody to have that, that visual.
Brandon: What?! That's the funniest thing you've ever said and the most nonsensical.
Julia: Amanda, I love it. I think that's great.
Eric: Yeah, you're—you're back in the locker room just like before the first contest. Certainly, some people are a little less cold to you. Everyone folks come in and say hi. Framboise does not call all of you stupid under her breath continuously—
Brandon: Oh that’s good.
Eric: —as you're doing it, which is good.
Brandon: That's improvement!
Eric: Yeah. Archimedes is hovering around Umbi like a moth to a flame.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: Ask-- peppering him with questions and going—
Eric (as Archimedes Sevens): Oh, that one must have been a lie. I'm going to ask again to see if I get a different answer from my trickster oracle.
Brandon: I just want to say that Umbi is very into it. Like it's not annoying, like he's super into this. Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Umbi pretends he's grumpy but he's like— he's like, Oh, stop, more, please. No, stop, oh more more more.
Brandon: Yeah, exactly, exactly, yeah, yeah.
Amanda: When Framboise walked in Troy like point across the room, made eye contact with her, she made eye contact with him and then he's like—
Amanda (as Troy): What's up bestie, respect you.
Eric (as Framboise): Once—once the competition is done, we will go back to the conflict dug into our land. But for now, we will just compete as equals.
Eric: And they do like the strong man arm grab.
Amanda: Like forearm grab.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Julia: The Predator grab.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, they Predator grab each other. In the corner, Threelips is sulking. There are more Breakstone and Crags security people around him than before. There was like one kind of just lingering around all the time and maybe there were like you saw two like waiting around for him before, and now there's like four kind of standing awkward— not-- standing, um… noticeably in the locker room.
Amanda: Is Radbert here yet?
Eric (as Radbert): Yeah. Hey, what's up? Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh um, Radbert, sorry, you were standing directly next to me, I didn't even notice you.
Eric (as Radbert): Oh yeah, that's my thing.
Julia: I finally figured out who Radbert reminds me of. And it's the guy who has a crush on Helga from Hey, Arnold.
Eric: Brai—it's Brainy. Yeah.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric (as Radbert): Yeah. Hey, yeah, what's up?
Brandon: You just thought Radbert was an actual locker because of his suit of armor and he wasn't moving.
Eric: Yeah you—you slam his breastplate.
Amanda (as Troy): If I give you like a note, could you sort of like, engage in a stealthy mission with me and get it over to—to Threelips?
Eric (as Radbert): Huh. Yeah, there's so much drama happening in this competition. That's why I love the— I love doing the Bullseye Games. Yeah. Yeah, sure. What's—what's up?
Amanda (as Troy): Thanks man, you'd be doing me a solid.
Eric (as Radbert): If I need your favor, will you do one in return?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. This can’t come back to bite me. Of course.
Eric (as Radbert): That's—
Amanda (as Troy): Bros do favors for bros
Eric (as Radbert): They do, but you don't have to say the—the quiet part out loud like that. Like I'm not gonna make you do something terrible.
Amanda (as Troy): Do you have thoughts that you don't say?
[Brandon laughs]
Eric (as Radbert): Good point. Yeah. Good point. Alright. Yeah. What's—what do you need?
Amanda (as Troy): Here.
Amanda: And then Troy passes over a note that he wrote earlier in the morning.
Eric (as Radbert): Like, yeah, who do you want me to give it to? Big, big droopy petals over there?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, that's what we called him in basic. Yeah, that'd be—
Eric (as Radbert): Yeah he has that vibe.
Amanda (as Troy): —that'd be great. I don't know why there's so many like security around there. But if you can like, be super stealthy, that'll be great.
Amanda: And Troy's gonna give him a clap on the back, and hopefully impart a little bit of assistance. Just like morale, you know.
Eric: Yeah. Radbert goes—
Eric (as Radbert): Mmm, okay, okay.
Eric: And you see Radbert wa—Radbert like walks over to the other side of the locker room, you can't really hear it. And he's just like, offers the note through—through the—through the sword of—
Julia: So stealthy bro, so stealthy.
Amanda: Troy is like watching in a reflection. Like a lightbulb like, ah shit.
Eric: Offering the letters through would be like, you see Threelips is like pouty, and then he turns around and grabs it and he's like—
Eric (as Radbert): Alright.
Eric: And you see Radbert give you a shrug, and then walk out to the field.
Amanda: Cool. Eric, I'm gonna text you.
Eric: Sure. Yeah, you can text me what it says.
Julia: Check your phone, Eric, gosh.
Eric: Okay, sounds— sounds good, sounds good.
Julia: Meanwhile, Cammie has returned and it's like—
Julia (as Cammie): I brought souvenirs.
Brandon (as Umbi): What'd you get?
Julia (as Cammie): Dolls of Troy!
Brandon (as Umbi): Wow, those are awesome.
Julia (as Cammie): One for each of us.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, thank you so much, that's so kind of you.
Eric (as Orello): My favorite thing is how define the yarn abs are. It's Orello, I've been here looking at people undressing.
Brandon (as Umbi): I don't think you're allowed to be in here, Orello.
Eric (as Orello): Oh, that's right, I have other secret things and people to rub up on. Toodaloo.
Julia (as Cammie): Havana, can you escort Orello out, please?
Eric (as Havana): Yeah, don't—it's even worse when you announce you're looking at people undressing. Get out!
Julia (as Cammie): It's somehow worse.
Eric (as Havana): It's wo—it's definitely worse, get out!
Julia (as Cammie): Also Troy when I was on my coo— very cool and not nerdy at all tour.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, you're nerd shit. Yeah, yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. One, met a potato that I feel like you would love. And two um—
Amanda (as Troy): I don't have any friends that is potatoes, but you know, I'm like, I'm open.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, yeah. And two, the sea monster that the whole island is protected against with this big arcane-like net thing.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Was really rowdy, and the Greenfolk giving the tour kind of implied that maybe it had ate something that got it all riled up.
Amanda (as Troy): Like grubs?
Julia (as Cammie): And then—maybe like grubs, but I was thinking of the other ship that got wrecked and maybe it ate something on there that it wasn't supposed to eat?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, it was filled with rock grubs.
Julia (as Cammie): Right. But maybe it was filled with something else that we didn't see because a giant sea monster ate it. Like maybe like, like a magic thing.
Brandon (as Umbi): Like something that wasn’t like rock grubs?
Julia (as Cammie): Something that wasn't rock rubs that would get a giant sea monster all amped up.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, I mean, I never-- I never did much with magic back in the Crags, but it's sort of— I guess it's possible like I—I don't know, they never did the games when I was there either, and they also didn't kill people for not winning things. So clearly, some stuff has changed. But yeah, maybe—maybe it was.
Julia (as Cammie): Well, you remember how Threelips was like, oh, yeah, top-secret mission kind of stuff, being a little cagey. You know, maybe-- or maybe he didn't know it all. But I think there was something else on that ship that wasn't just delivering Threelips to these games.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay, because we do call it grub tum when you have too many rock grubs, and then you're awake for like two to three days and your tum does glow a little bit. So it is possible it was the grubs, but Cammie you also might be right, I don't know.
Eric: I need to emphasize the absolute no thoughts face that Amanda puts on when she does Troy.
Amanda: My favorite part of the week, it's incredible. Such a—such a relaxing trip.
Julia (as Cammie): So I know he's kind of mad at you right now, but maybe we can find out more information about what was on that ship and why it might have pissed off and or empowered this giant sea monster.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, no, I—I just, actually Radbert do me a solid. I 'm— I'm trying to meet him later, like tonight, to just like hash some stuff out like bro to bro, but I can definitely ask him about that.
Julia (as Cammie): Wonderful. Now let's go kick some butt in the games.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeaah!
Julia (as Cammie): Go team!
Amanda (as Troy): Cammie said butt.
Julia (as Cammie): Sea Whip, go team!
Brandon (as Umbi): Speaking of butt.
Brandon: And Umbi starts sliding into his unitard.
Amanda: What—what's that?
Julia: Cammie turns around and is like—
Julia (as Cammie): What?
Brandon (as Umbi): What? Did you guys not wear—
Julia (as Cammie): What? Where did you get that?
Amanda (as Troy): Were you naked before?
Brandon (as Umbi): No.
Julia (as Cammie): Is the—is the unitard going over your clothes?
Brandon (as Umbi): Yes.
Julia (as Cammie): Huh.
Amanda (as Troy): Is it meant to be wrinkly? I thought that was just your skin.
Brandon (as Umbi): It's both.
Eric: I love that you're putting on like an old-timey strong-man outfit.
Amanda: [laughs] yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Did you not come up with costumes? I thought we decided we were gonna come up with costumes.
Julia (as Cammie): Everything I wear is a costume.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's true. The whole world is a stage.
Amanda: (as Troy): Yeah, I mean, I can if you want.
Brandon (as Umbi): I know. I think the less you wear the better, Troy.
Julia (as Cammie): Honestly, Troy, I think you should take your shirt off for this competition.
Amanda (as Troy): But then the arrows might hit me more.
Julia (as Cammie): Well, no one’s shooting arrows at you this time, that's tomorrow.
Amanda (as Troy): That's true.
Julia (as Cammie): Mhmmm.
Amanda (as Troy): Alright.
Amanda: Troy takes his shirt off.
Eric: Alright.
Julia (as Cammie): Sick bro.
Brandon: I want to try one thing before we go.
Eric: Oh, please go ahead.
Brandon: It might not work.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: But I do want to try.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: So I have a potion thing called universal solvent.
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: Which is a thing that just is a solvent, it dissolves glue.
Eric: Got it. Yeah, it makes things that are unstu— that are stuck, unstuck.
Brandon: Yes. So I'm curious with any of these weapons that these people have, like, I'm thinking like the water gun maybe or the laser gun be held together in some form or fashion by some adhesive, and would I be able to dissolve that in order to render it broken?
Eric: That's a good que—it's a good question.
Amanda: It's a great question.
Brandon: Obviously, the ethereal arrows, no.
Eric: Right.
Julia: I mean, like Archimedes's thing probably looks like it's all put together with stuff.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Because it's like very techie.
Eric: Here's the thing. If you wanted to try this on anything, I think you could as guns and most mechanics, except for divine ones, are put together with stuff and probably have some sort of sol-- glue component, which will definitely—certainly mess up their stuff. The thing I would tell you is Archimedes is all over you because you're his new grandpa, that's what I think.
Brandon: Okay. I think what I'm going to try to do is I am holding this universal solvent in like a water bottle, like a normal you know the u— like a squirt one you find in the gym or whatever.
Eric: Yeah, and it says Michael's Secret Stuff on it. Yeah, for sure.
Brandon: Yep. And I'm going to be talking with Archimedes and sort of walking through the gym just like very loudly gesticulating and being very gregarious—
Julia: Splashing things.
Brandon: —and then like, yeah, I accidentally, like hit Archimedes's hand one time and drop the water bottle onto— I think the water gun is probably gonna be the best chance I have here.
Amanda: I'm with you.
Julia: And he scored the top in the last competition, so.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah, so I'm gonna try to spill it onto the Kids Cervantes water gun.
Eric: Alright, friend, I think sleight of hand. I think that this is-- you’re setup, this is about being sneaky. This would be sleight of hand.
Brandon: Okay. That's a 6.
Eric: That's a 6. Alright, I'm gonna roll perception for famed pirate—
Amanda: Sharpshooter.
Eric: —mark sho— sharpshooter.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Kid Cervantes. Okay?
Julia: So it's probably pretty low.
Eric: Yeah, it's probably negative 2.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: Probably.
Julia: Roll a one, roll a one, roll a one. Did you roll a one? Please tell me you roll a one.
Brandon: Oh my God, please tell me you rolled a one.
Amanda: I can't see it. I don't know.
Brandon: What does this mean? What does this mean?
Julia: Eric, is it a one? Eric, is it a one?
Brandon: Did you get a one again? Eric, you can't roll again.
Eric: I'm not rolling again.
Brandon: You can't—Oh god, oh god.
Eric: Make a constitution saving throw for me, man.
Julia: Oh my God, yes!
Brandon: Constitution Saving Throw?
Julia: Was it a Nat 20?
Brandon: 12, total.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Oh, Brandon. Oh, you fucked up real bad.
Eric: Okay. So Archimedes is like—
Eric (as Archimedes): Wise trickster sage, is there anything you can tell me before I go out there and try to overcome the— overcome the obstacles you put in my place in order for this to become the greatest comeback that anyone's seen in the Bullseye Games.
Brandon (as Umbi): All you gotta do is believe in yourself. And if that doesn't work, sabotage everyone else. Ha ha ha!
Julia: Then spray.
Brandon: Yeah I gesticulate wildly and drop it.
Eric: You—you drop it?
Brandon: Yeah, like hit Archimedes's wing and just like—
Brandon (as Umbi): Oooh, oh, no.
Eric: As soon as the water bottle comes out of your hand, just grazing your wrinkly fingertips, it immediately gets pinned against a locker with a two-foot-long cactus pin. Just cutting through the sheer metal of the lockers and it kinda goes all the way through and hits like the stadium wall that's on the other side of the lockers. It pinned it in such a way that it pinned it from the top like cutting right through a person's throat, where the water just kind of dribbles—the solvent dribbles down into the locker, unsticking the wallet and shoes and socks of whoever what's in—what was ever in there.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh my god, thank you so much. I'm—I'm so sorry I didn't mean to drop that so close to you. I'll be so much more careful in the future.
Eric: And you feel the cold eye sockets of Kid Cervantes silently staring at you. And as you look at Cushion, there's a knob on the side of Cushion, and it's turned to sentry mode.
Brandon: I give Kid a little kiss. I don't really.
Julia: So you just kiss this man?
Eric: And then Kid Cervantes gets up and hobbles over to you. And gives you a little kiss, and then hobbles towards the—towards the field.
Julia: Oh, boy.
Brandon: Hey, I mean I try.
Eric: I rolled a Nat— you're lucky I rolled Nat 1 on punishing you, unfortunately.
Julia: Wow, that's good.
Eric: You're lucky.
Julia: That's good, that's good.
Brandon: Nice.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: But you did—the first one was not a Nat 1, but the second one was.
Eric: I rolled a Natural 16 plus a bunch. And then I rolled a 1 to see if—if you got—
Brandon: Nice.
Eric: —harmed by the punish.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: I just want to double-check the rules really quick for the contract.
Eric: Over the contract, yeah.
Julia: Because I—I want to know, like, what shenanigans we can get away with during this competition without like punishing Troy?
Eric: Sure.
Julia: So can I use like a hex for example, not on a participant, but like on something else that might make their lives more difficult?
Eric: I'd say yes, I'd say yes to that. As you check the rulebook, you can't directly harm someone while they're doing something.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: But before and after is totally fine. Because they— it's—it's part of the contest that you need to like, double check your surroundings and double check your equipment and things.
Julia: Right.
Eric: As long as you're not using one of your various hexes of debuff while someone is actively participating, I think you're okay.
Julia: Okay. As long as it's not on them, it's fine? Even if it's like while they're competing? I know you just said before and after, but like if it's something that I do while they're competing, but it's not a debuff on them, and it's not like directly like on them, that's okay?
Eric: Oh, that's treading the line. You're getting into the fine-- you're really getting into the spirit of the game, which people argue on sports radio about for years.
Julia: Okay. I'll think about it.
Eric: Yeah, we'll think—we'll think about it.
Eric (as Alfonso Soriano): [PA System] Alright, it's time for the second event of the Bullseye Games. The paired showmanship round. Now for those of you who haven't been to the Bullseye Games, here is how it works. Each contestants will have three chances to perform a performative shots. This will be scored by five judges on a scale of 1 to 10 with a minimum of 5 with a maximum total score of 50. Each shot counts as completed if and only if their ammunition hits the target. Each shot should have one supporting person. However, you can have different supporting persons per each round. And you can also have enhanced items which don't count as people unless it takes a specifically a humanoid form. Each contestant will do two shots. And the final score will be determined by adding the two together.
Brandon: Tight.
Eric: Ba, ba, ba, ba.
Julia: Great. Looking great.
Amanda: We're ready.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Alright. Yes, we are ready.
Brandon: Who do you think is going to pull off a triple axel on this round?
Amanda: Michelle Kwan.
Brandon: Who is a… ladybug?
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Beautiful Ladybug.
Eric: Beautiful Ladybug.
Amanda: Powerful thighs.
Eric: Most dots on a ladybug you've ever seen. And I think we got a montage of other people's contestants.
Amanda: Oh, tell us about them.
Eric: Sure. Kid Cervantes goes out with an exact replica of himself.
Julia: Incredible.
Eric: And they shoot—and they just shoot thorns in the air that almost look like synchronized swimmers. And then the thorns turn and he shoots-- and he shoots a thorn on a water jet through the circle and Bulls Eyes right into a big target. Continuous Thankful brings out his incredible chaste wife, and they pray and it's beautiful, it almost looks like the Aurora Borealis, as—as an arrow kind of comes down from the heavens, almost from the heavens, and slams in the middle of the contest.
Julia: Okay, Eric?
Eric: Yeah?
Julia: Here's my shenanigans.
Eric: Oh, please. Okay.
Julia: So when Continuous Thankful goes for the shot with his extremely chaste wife.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: What I would like to do is use one of my new hexes.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: Which is called Scurry.
Eric: Alright.
Julia: A non-magical object you choose within 30 feet, sprouts legs and runs away. The object animates, riggles free of its owner, and moves 20 feet in a direction that you choose. The object has an AC of 10, if its AC is not already higher, and remains animated until your next turn or it is picked up.
Brandon: That's incredible.
Eric: What are we—what's scurrying?
Julia: The target is gonna grow legs, and scurry away—but not like a full 20 feet, just enough that he misses the target.
Eric: Alright. Do I do anything, or is it just happens?
Julia: It just happens.
Eric: Okay, it just happens.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: So I'm gonna roll— I'm gonna roll for Arcana because he— he's using a divine arrow. And I'm gonna see if Continuous can move this. I'm gonna say plus 3.
Julia: So Tasseography.
Eric: Oh, n—[laughs]
Brandon: Holy shit, Julia.
Julia: Hey, hey Eric, that's gonna be a 6 total that he gets.
Brandon: Holy shit.
Eric: As it comes blazing down from the sky like a shooting star, the divine arrow slams down in a puff of dirt and it lands a foot to the left of the target.
Amanda: I am picturing like Mickey Mouse's feet on the target. Yeah.
Julia: I'm picturing like Baba Yaga house chicken feet when I do it.
[Eric makes chicken noises]
Brandon: And the crowd goes, Yeah, wha—what? [laughs] Woaah!
Eric (as Alfonso Soriano): [PA System] A tough break for our Open Fields contestant. Somebody was so—is so sure, almost divinely so, that what he was going to do was perfect, it just didn't work out for him.
Julia: Cammie locks eyes with Havana, and it's like—
Julia (as Cammie): Mmm.
Eric (as Havana): I don't want to be involved. I don't want to be involved with all this. It's fine.
Eric: Yeah, he's really rattled on the second one, because it's exactly the same. He doesn't mix it up at all. And his chased wife is tapping him really nicely on the shoulder while what's happening.
Amanda: Oh, no.
Eric: Yeah, he's rattled and misses the second one, fully overcompensating. It just goes— goes a bunch of feet to the right.
Julia: It's a—it's like slightly goes back to where it was before.
Eric: Yeah. And then he hits it on the third one, much less dramatically when you just see the same thing three times in a row.
Julia: Yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Great job.
Eric: Threelips comes out blindfolded, with one of his guards just flying the biggest flag you've ever seen behind him. As Threelips has blindfolds himself and fires at the— fires at the target. It's a little bit off to the right but it's— it's solid, does it on the first try.
Brandon: Thank God. I thought he was gonna miss wildly and hit an audience member.
Julia: Good that he didn't.
Amanda: Troy's fist like goes up automatically to start this pumping for the Crags and he like takes his other hand and like brings his wrist down like, no, no, not now.
Eric: In the for— for the first shot, Framboise Bousier reads a— has someone—has someone come out with like a black beret and a shirt with something in French on it who is holding a bullhorn and she reads a five-minute long speech all in French, and then just-- then just blast the target away fully.
Julia: They all snap at the end.
Amanda: C’est pas d’égalité, c’est pas de liberté.
Brandon: I love it.
Amanda: Yeah.
Amanda: C’est pas de fraternité, spit.
Brandon: I think we quit and that wins.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't— alright. It is time for—
Eric (as Alfonso Soriano): [PA System] It's time for Troy Riptide.
Brandon (as Umbi): Woo! Woooo!
Julia (as Cammie): Troy Riptide.
Eric (as Alfonso Soriano): [PA System] This is Troy's first performative shot.
Julia: Brandon, do you want to go first or should I go first?
Amanda: I think we should do the one with Umbi first and then this one should be our finisher.
Julia: Okay.
Brandon: Okay, okay.
Julia: Okay, sounds good.
Amanda: Alright. So Troy shirtless, wearing his usual kind of baggy pirate pants and boots. Wings tightly tied up nice and freshly pressed for the day, walks out onto the field with Umbi next to him.
Brandon: And Umbi is the most like flamboyantly, like, interpretive dance you've ever seen just like, you know, tiptoeing forward, tiptoeing back, arms everywhere. And he sort of begins with a musical rendition, where he goes across the field, laying some oil across the field as he does a dance and then returns to Troy's side.
Eric: This feels like interpretive dance you see like in a modern rendition of an ancient Greek play.
Amanda: Mmm, mmm.
Brandon: Exactly, yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Yes, we're depicting the Trojan War.
Brandon: And then after he's done with the dance, he returns to the pedestal and stands about 10 feet in front of Troy with a, let's see, what would this look like?
Amanda: I was picturing like a—like a glass orb, like a thing you would find in like a fancy restaurant but you tell me.
Brandon: Yeah, no, I agree. Yeah, a very delicate glass orb with like a swirling glittery liquid in the-- in the— in it.
Eric: Incredible. Umbi give me a performance check.
Amanda: Ohh, love it.
Julia: Oooh, baby baby.
Amanda: And I'm kneeling, pointing.
Brandon: Fucking damn it.
Julia: Come on Brandon.
Brandon: Uh, 9.
Eric: That's fine, that's good.
Amanda: Okay, okay.
Eric: You do it and people were like—
Eric (as Audience): Good job. Hey, great job, old guy.
Brandon (as Umbi): Thank you, thank you.
Eric: It's like look at this granny rap.
Amanda: Yeah, right.
Eric: No, hey, nothing gained, nothing earned. Just— just saying. Like the crowds like—
Eric (as Audience): Oh, I wonder what's gonna happen next.
Brandon: Okay, okay, cool.
Amanda: And then Troy is going to kneel down and brace his crossbow and say—
Amanda (as Troy): Hit it, Gramps.
Brandon: And directly on the beat of the music, Umbi throws up this glass vial for Troy.
Amanda: Which Troy then shoots and collides with midway through the air. So I'm gonna roll to hit.
Eric: Oh, yeah.
Amanda: [dice roll] That's only a 13.
Eric: Yeah, I think— I think that would hit—that would hit something that you're— you're ready to toss in the air. For sure.
Amanda: So the glass orb shatters, the liquid poofs up all around the arrow. And Brandon, tell us what this potion is.
Brandon: Well, this is a potion of growth, of course, Eric.
Eric: [laughs] Okay.
Amanda: So the arrow does grow many times its own size, as it arcs in a graceful parabola to then descend upon the target.
Eric: What—what's the— what size is it?
Brandon: The target size doubles in all dimensions and its weight is multiplied by 8. This cou— it increases size by one category.
Amanda: Yep.
Eric: By one category?
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Yes.
Eric: Oh my god. Okay. Ho—just for context, okay. D&D sizes.
Julia: It can go from like tiny to small but still.
Amanda: I mean, double, it's double—
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: No, no, no, that's a lot.
Amanda: Double the length, but also double the girth.
Julia: Yeah. The width.
Brandon: And its weight is multiplied by 8. So even if it's like, like it's dense air now, So when it hits the target, it's going to be like, womp.
Julia: Like throwing like a spear through it.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: I just want to point out so the smallest size is tiny, which is up to two and a half by two and a half feet. This goes to small, which is maximum five by five.
Julia: Fuck yeah.
Eric: It's just like a—
Amanda: A javelin.
Eric: —it's a five-foot-long arrow. Yeah, it looks like it a—it turns into a javelin in the air.
Julia: Exactly.
Eric: Oh my god.
Amanda: Yep.
Brandon: Does it hit Eric?
Eric: Well, I think that we gotta roll for it.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Yeah, let's roll for hitting the target. Looking for a 12.
Amanda: Oh, yeah, no, that's a 9 plus 5 for a 14.
Eric: 14. Bang, bang on.
Julia: Bang, bang.
Brandon: As soon-- Oh, it's not over.
Eric: Ohh.
Brandon: As soon as the arrow comes like a millimeter away from the target, Umbi throws a tiny little popper onto the field where he was throwing the oil. And when it hits the target, slams down, the field erupts into flames and it just spells Bullseye in flames.
Eric: I like that—
Julia: I thought you were gonna describe it like a flaming butterfly, and underneath it just says Troy Riptide.
Brandon: Oh, that's cool, too. We can do that instead.
Eric: That's fine. Whatever—you can be whatever you want.
Julia: Brandon, whatever you want.
Eric: I like Bullseye, Bullseye is fun.
Amanda: Bullseye is cute. Yeah, I like that.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: And then Troy and Umbi yell in unison—
Amanda (as Troy): Bullseye, baby.
Eric: Hell yeah. Give me both performance checks, please.
Amanda: [dice roll] Oooh, how’s a 19 taste?
Eric: Ooohh.
Julia: Fuck yeah.
Brandon: How's a 7.
Amanda: It's good.
Eric: It's okay, you set— you set expectations with your 9 before. It's okay.
Brandon: My rolls are trashed today.
Eric: It's so good. Yeah.
Amanda: Brandon, you—you're doing great.
Brandon: Thanks. Maybe people just really didn't like Umbi's unitard, leotard or whatever. Yeah.
Amanda: Like it really shouldn't be worn over an entire suit of clothes.
Julia: Yeah, it was a real choice.
Eric (as Alfonso Soriano) [PA System] Let's go over to the judges and see what they thought of this flaming Bullseye.
Eric: Troy, you look over and you see that the mayor is one of the judges, Mayor Moonshine who you met before.
Amanda: Mr. Moonshine, we met before!
Eric (as Mayor Moonshine): No, no, we didn't. 9.
Amanda (as Troy): Alright!
Eric: True.
Julia (as Cammie): Good job team.
Amanda (as Troy):: What's this out of?
Julia (as Cammie): 10?
Amanda (as Troy): Nice!
Eric: Yeah. And I think that you end up getting—an average you get a 9, an 8, an 8, 7, and a 4 from a grumpy-looking pill bug.
Julia: Rude.
Amanda: Troy like scoops up some of the oil and slathers his chest and he's like—
Amanda (as Troy): Even now? Even now?!
Eric: Okay, he puts out a 5.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Same. Nice.
Julia: There we go, there we go.
Brandon: Okay.
Brandon: Umbi looks at the pill bug and just as the like, I'm watching you eyes.
Eric: The pill bug takes out a dagger.
Eric: You got a 36.
Julia: Pretty good.
Eric: Pretty good.
Julia: Pretty good.
Eric: Pretty good.
Brandon: That’s like a B minus you know?
Eric: It's a B minus, it's like—
Brandon: A solid B.
Amanda: I'll take it. Also, we're building to a grand finale. That's okay.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Solid. I think this one-- this puts you at fourth place in between, kind of smack dab in the middle.
Brandon: Not good. That's worse than we were before.
Julia: Just for this round, though, not like overall.
Eric: Oh, just for this round. Just for this round, yeah. All the— you are all in fourth place. However, it's actually pretty tightly packed. Only the folks above you got high 30s, low 40s.
Brandon: Oh, okay.
Eric: Yeah. Threelips is in second because he looked really—the people felt bad for him. And they thought that he probably couldn't do a second one, and at the time Kid Cervantes beautifully, delicately—
Brandon: Damn it.
Eric: Masterfully, keeping it up. But still nothing—no one's blown any socks off yet.
Brandon: How's Archimedes doing? How's my— how's my apprentice?
Eric: Archimedes spent five minutes setting up an incredibly convoluted and like the largest— you know, in war movies when a sniper takes out a gun from a case?
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Mmmm.
Eric: Archimedes builds like a 10-foot long sniper rifle, laser sniper rifle from a case that one of his footmen brought him, and he spends the entire time doing it. And then it goes, womp, boom. And he's like—
Eric (as Archimedes Sevens): I did it. Perfect.
Julia: Interesting.
Eric: So it was really performance low, difficulty high. And it took a really long time and people got bored. Because it was just like silent hearing someone go [makes mechanical noises]
Brandon: He just— he's not you know, he can't get the flamboyancy he needs without his mentor, you know.
Amanda: That's why he needs your tutelage.
Brandon: You never know.
Eric: Yeah, yeah. So a lot— there are a lot of— there are a lot of scores hovering around mid 30s, late 30s, and high in low 40s. So it's all— it's anyone's game.
Brandon: Cool.
Julia: Great.
Amanda: About to be ours.
Eric: Alright. Yeah, there's more of a montage, it happen so fast, I can't describe it. And everyone goes oh, ah, oh, ah, oh. And then it's like—
Eric (as Alfonso Soriano): [PA System] Alright. Once again, Troy Riptide for his second shot.
Amanda: Yeah, Troy's not on the field.
Julia: Yes, you don't see her on the field, but you see Cammie walking over like a basket full of arrows to about like 30 feet away from the target. And then also like throwing down like a bunch of flowers.
Amanda: They’re like a flower girl. Yeah.
Julia: Yes. And then like candy blasting, so there's a bunch of like Werther's Originals in the mix as well.
Eric: Alright, performance check, please.
Julia: Great. Yes. [dice roll] That is a 16.
Amanda: Nice, nice.
Eric: Oh, good. People are like, oh, I want that candy.
Julia: Cammie throws some into the crowd.
Eric (as Crowd): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Cammie, Cammie over here. Cammie, over here. Cammie.
Julia (as Cammie): Umbi, for you.
Brandon (as Umbi): Thanks.
Julia: Cammie adds a little extra in front of the pill bug.
Eric (as Pill Bug): [grumbles]
Julia (as Cammie): You look grumpy. Every grumpy person I've ever met loves Werther's Originals.
Eric (as Umbi): That's true, I do love them.
Eric (as Pill Bug): You can't— you understand me.
Julia: Alright. So you'll notice also that Nonny's not on Cammie's shoulders, but rather is perched on Troy's shoulders right now.
Eric: Oohh.
Amanda: And Troy stands at the very back of the stadium, in the nosebleed seats at the very highest edge of the stadium like—
Eric (as Crowd): Where's Troy?
Eric: And I like the—the—
Brandon (as Crowd): Where's Troy? Where's Troy? Where's Troy?
Eric: — spotlight. It's like uh, we don't see the competitor Troy Riptide, as the spotlight is like searching around for him.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon (as Crowd): Where did he go?
Amanda: And then it hits on his glistening pecs as he stands—
Julia: He’s all oiled up.
Amanda: —at the very top, yeah edge of the stadium.
Brandon: We're blinded.
Amanda: Blinding his opponents. And he like gives a little like drop of a handkerchief to signal Cammie to start.
Julia: And Nonny touches Troy on the cheek with a single tentacle.
Eric: Of course.
Julia: Casts Swift Flight on Troy.
Eric: What does that do?
Julia: Swift Flight allows until the end of the target's next turn, it has a fly speed of 30 feet. It falls at the end of its turn in the air and nothing else is holding it, if aloft.
Brandon: Ohh.
Eric: Okay, so you got six seconds.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: So Troy gives Nonny a little kiss and then swan dives off the back of the stadium.
Eric (as Crowd): Ohh, what?
Brandon (as Umbi): What?
Brandon (as Crowd): Where's he go—where's he going?
Eric (as Crowd): Waaaaah. I'm thrilled.
Julia: And as Troy begins to fall, Cammie casts Petal Storm, where she has now spread the petals, the arrows, and the candy.
Eric: Oh my god.
Amanda: Yeah. so it rises up in a huge cloud. Troy is falling like over the seats toward the middle of the stadium, and you can't see anything. It's all obscured. There's dirt and dust and salty air and petals and arrows all swirling around until out of the almost like the bottom of the funnel of this tornado cloud, Troy falls, wings spread. And you can see very clearly, deep slits have been cut in the sides of his wings like a lateral opening.
Julia: Wow.
Amanda: Where normally the wings should be all one shape, but instead there is like an arrow slit like on a castle wall.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Through each of the wings, but due to Nonny's and Cammie's help for a little while, at least, he can glide.
Eric: I like it may like— maybe there’s steam surrounding your wings a little bit.
Amanda: Exactly right.
Eric: Oh, man.
Amanda: And aloft from the middle of the cloud, he shoots a very simple arrow down to the middle of the target.
Eric: How far away?
Amanda: He’s about 150 feet up.
Eric: Cool.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: That's within regular range?
Amanda: That is long-range.
Eric: Oh, that's long-range.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: Ooh, baby.
Amanda: However, I am using a risk die to double the normal and maximum range for my—
Eric: There it is.
Amanda: — range weapon attack, it’s called steady aim. So even though it's it appears to be long-range, the stats are treating it like its regular range.
Eric: Alright.
Brandon: Cool. Smart.
Eric: Yeah. Troy with his wings outstretched hanging, hanging in the sky.
Amanda: Yep. [dice roll] And it's a 22.
Brandon: That's good. Hey, Eric—
Julia: I think Eric—
Brandon: —that's a very high number.
Julia: —I think that's a really good score.
Eric: Hey folks, that's a good shot—that's a good score.
Julia: So if I—if I may flavor a little further, Amanda.
Eric and Amanda: Please.
Julia: Now the real beauty of Petal Storm is I can move the storm as a bonus action.
Amanda: Yup.
Eric: Sure, I bet you can.
Julia: You see like the storm moves and it surrounds the target. And when the storm dies down, there's a bunch of just like arrows stuck to the target. But the one that Troy shot is right in the center.
Amanda: Yeah, it's got yellow tails, and that's how you know it’s his.
Brandon: Tight.
Eric: The crowd erupts.
Eric (as Crowd): Haaaaa!
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh my god.
Eric (as Crowd): 10,10,10,10, 10,10.
Brandon: 10,10, 10,10, 10,10.
Julia: 10,10, 10,10, 10,10.
Amanda: Troy is just laying on his back, wings spread in the grass. Nonny's on his bare chest like slorping through the oil being like wooh, and it's like oh my god.
Eric: Automatically the mayor—Mayor Moonshine holds a 10 up—
Eric (as Mayor Moonshine): 10!
Eric: And the next judge—
Brandon (as Umbi): Wooo!
Eric: —the next judge says 10!
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah!
Eric: The next judge says—
Eric (as Judge): 10!
Brandon (as Umbi): Hell yeah!
Eric: And the next judge says—
Eric (as Judge): 10!
Brandon: Wooo!
Eric: And the Pill Bug at the end.
Julia: I dropped more candy onto his lap.
Julia (as Cammie): There's more where that came from.
Amanda: Troy holds Nonny, looks adorable, like an adoptable photo of a puppy.
Eric: And you see—
Eric (as Pill Bug): Oh alright. 10!
Brandon (as Umbi): Yay!
Amanda (as Troy): Yay!
Eric: Okay, that was really good, folks. That was good, that's a 50, that's a perfect score.
Amanda: Yes!
Brandon: Woooo!
Eric: Incredible.
Amanda: Troy is weeping, he's holding Nonny.
Julia: Oh my god. I feel like crying.
Amanda: The oil is like sticking to the dust, his wings are like crumpled.
Brandon: You're gonna need a super big shower after this.
Amanda: He's—he's so proud.
Eric: So you were fourth here and depending on the order you ended kind of goes in reverse order. So three more people went after you. There is certainly some score creep now that the first 50 has been put on board.
Amanda: Sure.
Eric: So the next scores are higher but nothing ends up eclipsing that 50. So eventually is like—
Eric (as Judge): Alright, we are tallying up our final scores, but I think for all of you who don't know how to do math at home.
Brandon (as Crowd): That's me. Hey, that's me. Hey, that's me.
Eric (as Alfonso Soriano): You uh, you know who was ending up being our winner. Seventh, Radbert. Sixth—
Julia (as Cammie): Aww, Radbert.
Eric: Oh Radbert, fuck, yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Sorry bro, sorry bro.
Eric (as Alfonso Soriano): [PA System] — sixth, Threelips.
Eric: Troy, make a perception check as you look over Threelips.
Julia: Remember what we thought like, oh Threelips is gonna win and then we're just gonna have to steal this off him.
Amanda: It's actually a Natural 20.
Eric: Woah. Troy, you look over and Threelips is looking down at his shoes, and you notice all of his guards are looking at you. Intently.
Brandon: Are they like— are they like hot though Eric? Like are they—are they getting— getting you know they need to fan themselves, they’re like—
Julia: It's because Troy is so hot? Yeah.
Eric: Oh hold on Brandon, let me look at my notes really quickly.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Brandon, no it's not because they're hot.
Brandon: Oh, okay.
Eric: They're looking at you cold and aware.
Eric (as Alfonso Soriano): [PA System] Five, Continuous Thankful.
Julia: Yeah. Fuck that dude.
Eric (as Alfonso Soriano); [PA System] Fourth, Archimedes Sevens.
Julia: Alright.
Eric (as Alfonso Soriano); [PA System] Third, Framboise Bousier.
Eric: She actually, in her final one, she just kind of blew up the target—
Julia: That's good.
Eric: —in the largest explosions anyone's seen.
Brandon: Tight.
Julia: Was—was Umbi a little jealous, but also a little turned on?
Brandon: Of course.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: She also ended up being last because she did so poorly with her speech. So there's a lot of score creep, so she ended up getting a 48 for that.
Eric (as Alfonso Soriano); [PA System] Two, Kid Cervantes. Number one, Troy Riptide!
Brandon (as Umbi): Woaaah!
Julia (as Cammie): Number one Troy Riptide!!
Eric (as Alfonso Soriano): After a tie for a third, that puts Troy in the top two. He's gonna be able to have first pick in the duel round as sir— as Kid Cervantes gets the bye.
Julia: Ohh.
Eric (as Alfonso Soriano); [PA System] Alright. Everyone, another rousing round here of the Bullseye Games. Get ready for tomorrow, the final round where the duel to the death decides the winner.
Brandon: Woooo!
Amanda (as Troy): I did forget about the death.