Welcome back to Dungeons and Dragons in Reality, the only escape room you can never escape from because it’s in your imagination. Mike gets scared. Julia tears her swimsuit. Amanda has The Talk.
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Cast & Crew
- Dungeon Master: Eric Silver
- Brandon Grugle: Brandon Grugle
- Amanda McLoughlin: Amanda McLoughlin
- Julia Schifini: Julia Schifini
- Michael Schubert: Michael Schubert
- Multitude: multitude.productions
Join the Party is a collaborative storytelling and roleplaying podcast. That means a group of friends create a story together, chapter by chapter, that everyone from seasoned players to true beginners can enjoy. Where else can you get adventure, intrigue, magic, drama, and lots of high fives all in one place? Right here.
After each episode we sit down for the Afterparty, where we break down our game and answer your questions about how to play Dungeons & Dragons and other roleplaying games at home. We also have the Punchbowl, an interview series with people pushing D&D forward creatively, communally and socially. It’s a party, and you’re invited! Find out more at jointhepartypod.com.
Eric: Alright, everybody, and welcome to…DDR - Dungeons and Dragons in Reality! And that's when you guys cheer.
This is DDR, it is the second best game with those initials.
So here is the deal, we are going to try something totally new when it comes to Dungeons and Dragons live. So, just come with us on this journey. Think of this kind of like an escape room. But instead of you and your coworkers arguing which key slot this gold painted prop is supposed to shove into, and then you yell at Debra in HR…uh, this is a podcast live show governed by the rules of Dungeons and Dragons.
Hello, I am Eric and I'll be your Dungeon Master this evening. A Dungeon Master means that you construct a story framework and I say some plot points and my players are going to experience it. And I'm going to lay out some chunks of exposition, control all the minor characters and just keep everything running smoothly.
Also, because this a live show, next to me, I have my good friend Brandon. And Brandon is going to do some Foley for me because he wanted to be involved.
[quiet, pitchy whistle, followed by laughing from audience]
Can you tweet that a little louder?
[more piercing, assertive whistle]
Good. Great. Thank you, Brandon.
Amanda: Brandon, you are going to be mixing this later. So, good luck to yourself.
Brandon: I'm not whistling into the microphone on purpose, Amanda.
Amanda: That’s true.
Eric: Alright. And now we're going to introduce our players. Now, ordinarily, players would be some sort of fantasy archetype, maybe a fighter, or a barbarian, or a wizard, or a cleric. But instead, our players are going to be playing themselves. Their species is human and their class is podcaster, which has NO skills!
[audience laughs with Eric joining in]
Julia: Like any good podcast.
Eric: Like any good podcaster, you have absolutely no skills. But they all have different backgrounds and an item to aid them in their adventure. So we're going to start with Amanda. So, Amanda, please introduce your character.
Amanda: Hello, my character's name is Amanda McLoughlin, it’s really a stretch. Um, so my background is business lady, which means that my languages that I know are negotiation and finance bro.
Um, I have organizational skills. So I can, like, look out at something and kind of like see it as if you imagine, like mind-mapping it on a board, meaning that I have just advantage and sort of investigation when I'm trying to assess. Like…imagine you walk in someone else's office, you're like, what's the important spreadsheet? Oh! I know it.
And then finally I have an item. So my item is called the introvert’s survival kit. And it is like, you reach into your backpack and, “Oh, wait!I have a band aid! I have a penknife! I have a flashlight! I have earplugs!”, which I do at all times. And the way that actually physically works is I have to roll a d20. If I get 11 or above, I get to tell the Dungeon Master what the item is that I bring out. If I get to 10 or below, he tells me what item I bring out like a frog or something not useful. Um, and…
Eric: I will tell you now, every time it's going to be a squished banana,
Amanda: [mildly disgusted] Ugh. And the only constraint I can bring up is that it has to fit in the backpack, and also be able to go through airport security. So, no liquids over 3 ounces for me.
Mike: No 5 ounces of peanut butter for you!
Amanda: No! Peanut butter is a gel! I have been told!
Mike: I hate it..
Julia: Um, I am Julia Schifini. My background is aspiring wrestler. Which means that I have fists and also can do wrestling moves.
My languages are Long Island and encrypted. And my efficiencies are in gin and ghosts.
Amanda: I'm pretty sure that's our new podcast.
Julia: Yes, it is, Isn't that already our podcast?
Julia: My cool magic item is my cool hat. Which I brought with me, because why not? And if I turn it on backwards, I look like a totally new person. Which means opponents need to make a DC 13 Perception check in order to not to be charmed by me.
Eric: Like who is that scare team? I don't know who that is!
[Amanda acts flustered]
[enthusiastically] Wait, where’s Julia?! There's a 14 year old boy named Travis.
Julia: Oh damn!
Julia: [quietly] That’s me!
Eric Snider: I'm Eric Snider. And I thought this was Dance Dance Revolution. [sadly] So I don’t have any dice or character sheets, so I'm going to go sit down.
Amanda: Oh no.
Eric Snider: Okay.
Eric: Snider, buddy, did you not see anything that I said along about like, Dungeons and Dragons?
Eric Snider: You…you kept saying butterfly and…
Eric: No, that's exactly the opposite. That's not what I said at all.
Eric Snider: Yeah. Alright, I goofed bad.
Eric: Alright, well, after the show, you can go to Eric and talk to him about how good he was at Dance Dance Revolution in high school.
So thank you Eric Snider.
Mike: Hello! My name is Mike Schubert. My background for this game is amateur rapper. Because I was in an improvised hip hop group for 2+ years.
Eric: [chuckling] That explanation doesn't make it better.
Mike: [stumbling over words] The videos on YouTube are VERY good. So, the Englishs that I speak…I mean the languages that I speak are English and hype man. I am proficient in cooking and hair product.
And I have the ability of battle rap, so I can cast vicious mockery at will if I do a rap and depending on how good it is, which will be very good, I will roll the specific die, which I assume will be the best die, to say how much psychic damage that I do. I also have a New York Knicks basketball, which I did not bring with me unfortunately, but I can compel someone to play hoops with me. And I get +5 to persuasion if I do. Also it's a basketball! So I can use it as such.
Eric: [chuckles] Use it for basketball reasons?
Eric: Okay, so now we have introduced our players. Is everybody ready?
Amanda: Yeah, let’s do it.
Eric: Okay, cool. I'm so excited.
The three of you wake up with the smell of chlorine in your nostrils. Then funnel cake. And sunscreen? And you just like keep hearing this whistle?
[pitchy, light whistle sound, audience reacting to it]
The three of you look around and you were [brief pause to laugh]…the three of you look around and you are sitting in a minivan. Where are you sitting in the minivan?
Julia: Backseat, all the way in the back. Lounged, completely.
Amanda: Uh, trunk lying diagonally…on the floor.
Mike: I’m in…it's a 2015 Chrysler Town and Country, so it has the captain's chairs that rotate to the back.
Amanda: Oh yeah.
Mike: And it's facing backwards!
Amanda: WOW! Bold choice!
Eric: [laughs] So Mike, your captain's chair swivels to the front, and you see that the front console turns on. And a cassette tape that was sitting in the mouth of the cassette player pops in and goes…
[Eric makes winding up sound]
And starts to play.
Eric (as Dungeon Master): Good Morning Dungeoneers!
Eric: You hear over the little loudspeakers.
Eric (as Dungeon Master): I see that you've just woken up. Wonderful! It is so much better to have active players than just bodies strewed upon the ground.
Mike: I'm sorry, what?
Eric (as Dungeon Master): First, let me introduce myself. I am the Dungeon Master. You're in my dungeon, so to speak, and you will play by my rules…
Mike: Your dungeon’s a van?
Julia: All minivans are dungeons.
Eric (as Dungeon Master): The second thing is that this is a cassette tape and you can't talk back to it.
Julia: [chuckles] We can, you just can't us!
Eric (as Dungeon Master): I can't hear you. I'm having the time of my life.
Mike: Hey, it's like listening to a podcast, guys.
Amanda: We’re all friends when it’s podcasts.
Eric (as Dungeon Master): Smash that subscribe!
[barely audible whistle in background]
Eric: Brandon, [laughing] Brandon did a foul.
Eric (as Dungeon Master): I have put many through many trials and you may be the best competitors yet! I knew that podcasters would be perfect for a grueling challenge of Strength, Wit, and Constitution.
But, please! Let me tell you what the rules. You will have 15 minutes to complete by puzzums and walk through the blue door at the end. Now, these aren't traditional puzzums per se….
Mike: Did you say, puzzums?
Amanda: I say through the trunk, what's happening?!
Eric (as Dungeon Master): More like wet and wild water adventures.
Julia: Oh no.
Amanda: Oh noooo.
Eric (as Dungeon Master): Check your pockets.
Julia: I checked my pocket.
Eric: You guys look down and you're wearing old timey bathing suits? Like from the 1950s.
Amanda: Oh nooo.
Eric: So all of you are wearing, it looks like you're in a Hollywoodland and you're like a prisoner? But in like, old timey bathing suits.
Julia: Does mine have sleeves?
Julia: Oh, unfortunate. I'm gonna try and cut them off later.
Eric: Okay, great! But they all have pockets. And does anyone want to reach in their pocket?
Eric: You all reach into your pockets and you pull out a punch card that says Splish Splash Sea Bash Triple Play!
Julia: [whispers] Oh no, not splish splash.
Eric: [enthusiastically] Where the rides…ARE THE REAL FUN! So is the friendship!
Amanda: Is the card narrating itself to us?
Eric: No, that's what’s on the card.
Amanda: Okay, okay.
Mike: You can tell it’s by the font.
Amanda: Yes, you can tell it from the font in your brain.
Amanda: I'm sorry…can you tell us what the font chiller sounds like?
Eric: [deeper, more enunciated] Splish splash sea bash triple play.
Julia: That’s somehow worse!
Amanda: How about how about webdings?
Eric: Smiley face, goat, butt, thumbs up.
Julia: We have a timer on, let's go!
Eric: There's punch card and there are three suns with sunglasses on. And that's like the kind of indicate that's where you have to put the punch cards.
Eric (as Dungeon Master): Complete my puzzums three and be free! Now, I wouldn't be a Dungeon Master without giving you a hint! Don't worry, there is a cracked iPhone 5 somewhere nearby.
Eric: And Julia, underneath you, you feel a buzz.
Julia: I reach underneath me and into the seat…
Eric: And it's a cracked iPhone 5.
Eric: And there's a text on it, from…there's a WhatsApp from a guy named Steven.
Julia: [skeptically] I don’t like it. I read it though.
Eric: [chuckles] Uh, okay. We'll get back to that in a second. But the cassette finishes up…
Eric (as Dungeon Master): If you run out of time, well, we'll get to it when you get to it. Hope you have a splish splash day. Bye-bye. The timer starts…now.
Eric: You guys all hear a faint ticking but you don't know where it's from.
Amanda: Oh no…
Julia: Is it from the broken iPhone 5?
Eric: [laughs] Yeah, it’s from the broken iPhone 5, that has a timer on it. It's starting slowly, counting down. Now it's at 49:47. Julia, Do you want to check the WhatsApp?
Eric: Okay. It's from Steven and it says, Yo, DM, want to get tacos?
Eric: Yeah. Julia, I want you also to look…this has 10% battery on it.
Amanda: [yells] Ahh! The true horror!
Eric: And it's cracked down the front.
Eric: So, let me tell you about this item. You can try to do anything that you would want to do with…that you can get an iPhone 6. Unfortunately, it has Boost Mobile. So the service is not great. And also, you're going to see where you are, so the service might not be that great. But also you only have 10% battery. So like imagine you can only do one thing with it.
Julia: Do we want to open up Google Maps on the broken iPhone and look for taco places near us?
Amanda: Uh, why don't we see if there's a map of the park outside first? Try to analog and if we need digital, let's do that.
Julia: Okay. Got you.
Mike: Slide it into airplane mode to save battery.
Julia: [yells] YESSSS!! Smart! Can we turn it off for now and then turn it back on?
Amanda: No!!! That costs more battery!
Julia: Oh no, that costs more battery, I’m so sorry!
Mike: We’re on airplane…
Amanda: Okay, so why don't we get out of the minivan and look around?
Julia: Oh wait. I close out the WhatsApp so it doesn’t drain more battery.
[everyone makes rushed agreements]
Amanda: Yes, excellent.
Eric: Okay, wonderful. So you guys get out of the minivan and there are no other cars in sight.
Amanda: Is it a parking lot?
Eric: It is a parking lot, yes. It is totally abandoned, but in the near distance you hear that there is a lot of cheering and you see that there are a lot of people a few clicks that way. I know that means kilometers but like, come on, cut me some slack.
Amanda: So…let's walk towards them…
Amanda: Are we outside of an amusement park? Outside of the Splish Splash?
Eric: Yes. So you are…you see a giant line. And in the far distance, you see the neon archway of Splash Splash Sea Bash, and is jam-packed with people. But for some reason, this line is not moving. And like people are complaining to each other. And they're like on their phones. And just kind of like, messing around. But yeah, the line is just not moving.
Amanda: [strained] Does anybody have a battery pack!?
Julia: Please, someone!
Mike: Let's walk towards the Splish Splash?
Amanda: Yeah, talk our way in. Let's do it.
Eric: Okay, cool. So you’re just going to go past the line?
Eric: Alright. About halfway through the line, people have been giving you dirty looks as you were walking by them. And then you see, a step in front of you, is just like 50-year old mother with like two sun hats on top of each other. And…she with some sunscreen on her nose, and she says...
Eric (as Mom in Line): [snarky] Hey, we've been waiting here all day! You go back to the back of the line!
Amanda: I would like to reach into my introvert’s survival kit for a Splash Splash VIP card.
Eric: Okay. Roll a d20 and see if you find that in there.
Amanda: I got 14, babyyy!
Eric: Alright. So with the 14 you pull out this Splish Splash VIP card. What does it look like?
Amanda: It is a little bit damp.
Julia: Is it laminated?
Eric: It becomes damp.
Amanda: Yes, it is laminated, but there's water under the lamination.
And It's just printed with little waves and then it says Splish Splash, and then on the back, VIP. It looks so janky and that's how you know it's real.
Eric: You see there's like a fold in the lamination where someone messed up.
Amanda: Yes, that's correct.
Eric: Okay, cool. So what do you do now?
Amanda: I'm going to show it to the lady. Flip it around so she sees the VIP on the back, and continue walking toward the tickettaker.
Eric (as Mom in Line): [impatiently] Um, excuse me that seems like it's fake. I don't know what you're talking about. And you don't have to go to the back of the line. My son Jimothy has been waiting here for a year!
Julia: A whole year?
Eric (as Mom in Line): A whole year!
Julia: That's…he hasn't been in school?
Eric (as Mom in Line): Don't talk to me about my educational preferences!!!
Julia: Do you…parking lot school?
Eric (as Mom in Line): [increasingly impatient] What did I just say about preferences!?! Excuse me, go to the back of the line! Can I see your VIP badge!?! Can I see it? I want to see it with my hands, I see best when I touch it, when I touch things…
Amanda: I'm gonna walk away…
Eric: You’re going to walk away?
Julia: Just continue past.
Eric (as Mom in Line): Yeah…I'm gonna get security.
Mike: [confidently] Try us!
Eric: You just going to walk away?
Amanda: Yes. Well I mean, okay, so I know negotiation. Alright, let's say, um…
Listen, if you let us go unencumbered, as we should as our right as VIP card holders…we will let you share our benefit of the exclusive VIP locker room. Once you make it into the park, meet us outside the real… the peons locker room, and we will show you…
Eric: That’s what they call it, yes.
Amanda: Where there are always towels, they smell of eucalyptus. There is free water bottles. Unlike the water that’s all in the park.
Julia: Your sneakers don't end up damp for some reason.
Amanda: Yes! And there's even…charcuterie!
Eric: Alright, you're gonna have to make a Deception check but I'll give you advantage because you know negotiation. And like that was pretty buck wild.
Amanda: Uh, only got a 6 + 2 for an 8…
Eric: You have advantage. You have advantage.
Amanda: Oh! Hot diggity. Well…that one was a critical 1, so. Let's say…let's say 8.
Eric: Okay, I think with an 8, honestly, this woman did not take much…[laughs] you know what? I have the number 6 in my head. So she says,
Eric (as Mom in Line): I always wanted some of that water park charcuterie. Alright, well find me. Here, what do you…do you have a phone? Can you put me in your phone?
Amanda: Yeah, just tell me the number and I'll write it down. And I'll mime writing into the iPhone 5 while NOT activating its lock screen!!
Eric (as Mom in Line): Alright, so it's Bethany with two B's.
Mike: Where's the second B?
Brandon:Thank you Mike.
Julia: Sounds like Long Island, go ahead.
Eric (as Mom in Line): Uh...in the front?
Amanda: [trying to contain laughter] Okay.
Eric: And then you just hear a lot of static.
Julia: It's like a BB flat.
[staticky radio sound]
Amanda: Yeah, yeah. What like what if it's like the B in German with like the long tail, but instead it's just two Bs on top of each other?
Julia: I like that. Wonderful.
Mike: Wait, we hear a lot of static?
Eric (as Mom in Line): Well alright, my number is…
Eric: And then just, like a lot of static.
Amanda: It’s good because I don’t care.
Mike: Okay, is she a simulation?
Eric: Who can say?
Amanda: Maintain eye contact, move slowly, and continue walking.
Eric: Okay, great. So you guys get to the front of the line. And the reason why it's moving is that no one is working at the front!
Julia: Uh oh!
Mike: We sneak in.
Eric: [laughs] No one is working at the front!
Julia: I'm just gonna…
Mike: No ones working at the front…
Eric: So Mike just walks in!
Mike: No ones there…
Eric: Mike, you want to just walk in?
Mike: No, no, no. Is there nothing blocking?
[incoherent deliberating between the podcasters]
Eric: Absolutely not.
Mike: Can I roll my basketball to see if any, like, traps are activated?
Eric: Um, a seven year old runs up to the basketball and like, tries to pick it up.
Mike: Does he pick it up?
Eric: Yeah, he picks it up.
Julia: Your basketball is not like, mutinize.
Mike: I don't know, he said tries to pick it up! I say Hi, can I have my basketball back, sir?
Eric: He's like, okay…and then he throws the basketball and then he runs away.
Mike: Cool. I start to walk into the park.
Eric: Okay, Mike walks into the park and nothing happens.
Amanda: Alright, we follow Mike into the park. I’m going to mime swiping my VIP card to make it appear as if I have the right to be doing this. And then continuing.
Julia: Is there a barcode on the VIP card?
Amanda: Um, there are so many wrinkles, it looks like a barcode.
Julia: Gotcha, that makes sense.
Eric: Okay…so you guys are now inside of Splash Splash Sea Bash.
[Slow repeating of Splishhh, Splashhh, Splishhh, Splashhh]
Julia: Is that the theme music, just splish splash?
Brandon:That’s the water Foleys.
Julia: Aw, okay. Thank you.
[cacaw of a bird]
[cashew cashewww birdsong]
Amanda: Are there ravens here?!
Eric: Yeah, there's a raven perched on top of a fake mountain. It’s in the background.
Amanda: Quote the Raven: Wait 20 minutes after eating before you go back on the rides! Jesus.
Eric: Okay, and it is jam packed with people. There are kids running around everywhere and their parents are trying to keep up behind. Teens are doing nefarious things as teens do. And someone is just like walking around with a giant turkey leg.
Julia: Tight, I want the turkey leg.
Eric: Okay, so you guys look around and you see that there are three main roads you can take. There are the 420 slides.
Eric: There's the lazy river, TM TM TM, the first one. And then there is a wave pool which is just like chill waters.
Julia: Is there a map of the park?
Eric: I mean, that's the park.
Julia: No, but…could I find a place where perhaps a taco place could be found?
Amanda: A directory of services.
Eric: Sure. Okay. Yeah, there's a…right next to the way that these three roads split off, there is a giant directory. So, you see that this is kind of like sketched out a little more. The 420 slides like…
Amanda: [interjecting] Blaze…
Eric: It's very cartoonish. So the 420 slides…
Amanda: [interjecting again] Blaze…
Eric: [chuckles] are very, look crazy tall. And the stairs that go up and up and up. The lazy river TM TM TM TM, goes all the way around the park. And the chill water. What did I call it?
Amanda: The wave pool?
Eric: The chill water, the Chill Waters, it’s actually in order to get to it, you have to pass by this like water playground? You know what I’m talking about?
Julia: For the small kids.
Amanda: We know.
Eric: So that's, that's what you see on the map.
Mike: Okay. What are we doing?
Amanda: Finding the tacos?
Julia: That's my instinct is to find the tacos.
Mike: Okay, alright.
Amanda: Are there restaurants listed on the directory?
Eric: What tacos are you talking about?
Amanda: The ones for that guy!!!
Eric: [chuckles profusely] Oh that’s right, Steven!!
Mike: That’s all we have to go on, right?!
Mike: Unless I missed something!
Eric: Oh, yeah. So there is also…yeah, there is a food court over to the left.
Mike: We go to the food court.
Okay, so in the food court there is like a Belgian waffle spot. And there's an ice cream place and there is also a taco spot. And it's called Hot Hot Heat.
Mike: Are there lines at the other food places?
Eric: No, there's nobody here.
Mike: No one is working at either?
Eric: Yeah, there'll be…nobody working, nobody working here either.
Julia: Can we just go into the back of it?
Mike: Yeah, sure.
Eric: If you want to.
Mike: We go into the back of the taco place.
Eric: Okay, so inside of the back of the of the taco place at Hot Hot Heat, it just looks like an abandoned kitchen. Like you would assume that they would have like utensils and knives and like food, but there's just like, nothing there.
Mike: Can I investigate to see like, what else is here?
Eric: Sure, make an Investigation roll.
Mike: Okay, I'm rolling. That's a 17.
Eric: With a 17, you see there is a walk in freezer that is open and you hear giggling?
Mike: I…okay. One of you hold the door open.
Julia: Yes, I’ll hold the door open.
Mike: Julia holds the door and I walk in.
Eric: Okay. So you see that there is a like a grown man sitting in the walk-in closet, spinning a dreidel and just laughing at it.
Mike: I say Sup?
Eric: He’s like,
ES (as Man with Dreidel): Sup? This dradle is so fun, man. Sometimes it lands on something, and it's like, you get all of the coins? But sometimes it lands on a different thing and you get other than the coins.
Amanda: I perk up and say, odds, bruh, am I right?
ES (as Man with Dreidel): Yeah…super odds just in this dradle man.
Amanda: Probability man.
ES (as Man with Dreidel): Just like it's nice. It's good. It's good stuff.
Amanda: Listen, we're looking for the DM. Have you seen him anywhere?
ES (as Man with Dreidel): Oh, DM, man? Oh man, listen, I've been spending this dradle for like four hours now so like I haven't seen him.
I wanted him to come meet me here and get tacos but like you know, he's just he's busy doing stuff. You know he's probably at the like the Royal Cabana there at the end?
Julia: Where is that?
ES (as Man with Dreidel): Oh man you just you go over to the deep waters and then you take a right and it's like that really big cabana thing And there's a security person there who needs to like see your badge, with the stuff, with the triple play.
Amanda: Oh, which badge? Do you have one? Just so I can figure out which one it is?
ES (as Man with Dreidel): Oh yeah, I have it right here.
Eric: He takes out the same punch card that you guys have and all three of the sunglasses men faces are punched in. How do you get those punched brah?
ES (as Man with Dreidel): Oh, man, I just like rode all the rides dog! Oh, yeah!! I rolled a shin nice. I have to share some of my gold.
Julia: Sweet. We got to go on the rides y’all.
Amanda: Hang on. Any chance you want to trade that one for a fresh one? Just a fresh opportunity to like go on the rides again?
ES (as Man with Dreidel): Uh, no? Uh no, I do not want to do that.
Amanda: Okay. I had to ask, I had to ask.
ES (as Man with Dreidel): Is that okay with you?
Amanda: Totally fine, totally fine. Enjoy.
ES (as Man with Dreidel): Oh nice. Okay, have fun.
Julia: Cool. Thanks. Also tell the DM to refill more tacos in here! Like I don't have any taco supplies.
Julia: Yeah, we’ll let him know.
Amanda: Okay, I'm sorry.
Mike: Appreciate it. Let's roll to the 420 slides.
Amanda: [short pause] Blaze.
Eric: Ok. So the 4…outside the 420, you see that there's a description of the ride. And the ride says, Oh! Hey, bro! Welcome to the 420 slides where it takes 420 steps to get to the top!
Amanda: That’s a lot of steps.
Eric: Heee. Heheheheh.
[very quiet whistle note]
Heheheh. So just like come on up and like ride the ride, man?
Amanda: Why don't I do guard duty?
Amanda: And someone stronger than me should do those steps.
Julia: So that'll be me.
Mike: Okay, I've been with you just in case.
Julia: Well, do we all have to do it in order to all get the punch card?
Eric: Yes, every single one of you have to go up.
Julia: Sorry, but I carry you if you need.
Amanda: Thank you, Should we just go up it?
Mike: I’ll slowly like, start singing The Eye of the Tiger.
[Eric and Mike chuckle]
Eric: Okay, you guys start walking up the slides and about 100 feet up, you see the next group of people together who are also walking up the slides. And it is a father with a 10 year old girl who is and he just has his head in his hands. And you see that the 10 year old girl is pulling on her dad's shirt and pointing at you, at you three as you walk up.
Julia: I say, sup?
Eric: As she turns, as the little girl turns to her dad and says,
Eric (as Girl): Hey, Dad, can I can I ask them the question?
Eric: And he says,
ES (as Man with Dreidel): No, No, don't do that. I really don't want you to do that.
Eric: And she says,
Eric (as Girl): Okay, well, I'm asking the question is anyway! Hey, new friends. Where do babies come from?
Mike: I look at the dad and make the eye contact of like, should I tell her?
[Eric and audience laugh]
Eric: He has his head in his hands and is avoiding eye contact.
Amanda: Oh no.
Eric: He's like, he’s just like,
ES (as Man with Dreidel): [stuttering] No, you don't have to…you don't have to…Don't do that.
Mike: How old is she?
Eric: She's 10.
Amanda: That’s really a quandary. It’s about your family and your parenting techniques…
Julia: Sixth grade I think is when they told us we officially…
Amanda: I mean, what are you gonna say? What words are you going to say?
Julia: Why are you looking at me? I speak Long Island and cryptic.
Amanda: How about I say? Well if you're super brave and go down the slide and don't yell even once, then I'll tell you at the bottom.
Eric (as Girl): Okay! Well I'm definitely gonna come find you regardless of what you go…I'm just gonna find you and I'm going to follow you around because I really need to know! No one will tell me what's going on here. And I think that is a big conspiracy and I don't think there are ANY birds involved!!
Julia: There aren't, you're correct.
Eric (as Girl): Cool.
Eric (as Girl): Dad, I’m on the TRAIL.
Amanda: We give her a high five and continue walking.
Eric (as Girl): Okay. Where do I find you?
Amanda: We're going to be the entrance when the park closes. Also continuing your quest for knowledge. Power. Love you.
Amanda: You small child.
Eric: Amanda, the 10 year old looks at you in the eyes and I need you to make a Charisma saving throw.
Julia: Oh God, It wasn't me.
Eric: Okay. With a 12, you see that she makes very big eyes you and says,
Eric (as Girl): You promise you're going to tell me the secret of where babies come from? You promise…?
Amanda: [cautiously] Yes.
Eric (as Girl): Okay, well if you promise, I'm sure it won't cause anything later in my life.
[audience laughs jovially]
Amanda: I take out a napkin, write down my phone number, and give it to her.
[Eric and Amanda laugh]
Just in case we get separated.
Eric: [laughing] Your personal phone number? Okay cool, that’s fine.
Julia: With the terrible phone we have?
Amanda: No, my personal phone number. If indeed, my phone still exists, wherever my clothes went…
Amanda: As a reminder, we're in old timey bathing suits.
Julia: Can I do a Strength check to rip the sleeves off of my old timey bathing suit?
Eric: Sure, make a Strength check to rip off the [chuckles] sleeves…
Julia: It's a 7 + 3, so a 10.
Eric: Okay, with a 10…you only rip off one.
Amanda: It's a good look.
Mike: That’s what a 10 does.
Julia: I'm fine with that.
Eric: Yeah. Also Julia’s super strong, but she has low constitution because she can't drink brown liquor.
Julia: It’s true.
Eric: I thought that you’d like to know that.
Julia: It's very true.
Eric: I thought was pretty funny. Okay, so you guys walk up another like 100, 150 steps it's getting pretty steep now.
Amanda: Oh god.
Mike: I switched to singing The Final Countdown.
Julia: We're about halfway at this point!
Eric: It's like a low mist that has settled,settled down.
And there is a bro is waiting, looking over the side over to the left. He's wearing a waterproof Hawaiian shirt.
Julia: I want to take it off of him.
Eric: And yeah, he's sitting there leaning over the side.
Mike: I say, sup brah.
Amanda: Sweet shirt.
Eric (as Bro): Thanks, thanks brah…uh bruv,
Eric: [stumbles for a second] Oh no! He's British, I made him British!
Julia: Oh no!
Amanda: Oh no!
Julia: You’ve made a terrible mistake!
Eric: No, he’s not British.
Amanda: [chanting] Commit to the bit! Commit to the bit!
Eric: Okay, no he’s British, great.
Eric (as Bro): [continues in British accent] Hey Bruv! Uh, yeah, I’m just waiting here, [slips into Brooklyn accent] eh oh…oh no!!!
Julia: Why is he from Brooklyn if he’s British?
Eric: [laughing jollily] Oh no!
Eric (as Bro): [continuing in accent] 420 slides, eh? In’it? My chap…friend is gonna come up as well.
Eric: Don’t look at me like that!
Julia: So it’s this moment right now.
Eric (as Bro): Uh, yeah, so you guys can't pass me because like my friend is supposed to come up here in a in’it.
Mike: I say, please ma'am! We just want to go down the slide.
Eric (as Bro): I know, but I…I have to do, bollox! I gotta go without him!
Mike: Uh, okay…I cast battle rap.
Julia: I cast…battle rap.
Eric: Okay, Mike, do you want me to give you beat?
Mike: I need one.
Eric: This is gonna be terrible, okay.
[Eric beatboxes, with Brandon supporting]
Mike: [rapping] Alright, BRUV,
I see you trying to front me,
I want to go down the slides 420,
I just want to go down the slide
Cause this looks like a pretty sweet ride,
I want to go down
With all the water
Oh look it's your daughter!
[Eric laughs, breaking the beat]
Mike: [wrap ended] And then I try to sneak by.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[everyone laughing, short spurt of whistle from Brandon]
Eric: Alright Mike, roll a roll a d20.
That would be a 6.
Amanda: Does he get advantage for his performance?
Eric: Yeah, roll it again, roll it again.
Mike: Okay, Okay.
Mike: That would be…an 8!
[groans from Julia and Mike]
Mike: Do I get to add any bonuses of sorts?
Eric: Yeah, you have…you have proficiency in battle rap. So that's like a 10?
Amanda: The top left number.
Eric: Nah, that’s fine. That’s a 10.
Mike: I have +5 for ya.
Eric: Oh, you have +5?
Mike: I have +3 for Charisma.
Eric: Okay. It's like a 12…13. Okay! So with the…with the battle rap you say? Wait a second! Eh, eh, bruv! I have a daughter? And then you guys are able to run by.
Mike: I scream, Her name is Monica!!
Julia: Call your ex-girlfriend!
Eric: I have to think about the choices I’ve made in my life!
Okay, you guys are now at the top of the for 420 slides and there is a..a lifeguard standing at the top and they hold their hand out and they're waiting to try to look down and see if people are coming down. And like you see now these slides are incredibly steep. Like they are so steep you can't even see the bottom.
Amanda: We see that NOW?
Amanda: Oh no..
Eric: Yeah, you…you cannot see the bottom of the pool. And I need everyone to make Charisma saving throws.
Julia: [mumbles] Oh, I’m not good at that.
Mike: Oh! A 2 + 3 for a 5!
Amanda: 21, baby!
[podcasters cheer, whistle from Brandon]
Julia: Charismatic as hell!
Amanda: [whispers] That’s the secret to business. Pretend you know what you're doing, then people think you do!
Eric: Amanda you’re just like, Oh yeah! You just cross your arms your legs no problem, it's fine.
And Julia is like, Oh, I've never been on a slide this high.
And Mike you're like, OH NO!!! Why would I do this to myself?!?
So Mike, you are currently frightened.
Eric: You do not want to go down the slides. You can roll again in like 2 minutes to see if you can do it, but I think that you need to help your good good friend Mike go down the slides.
Julia: Can I just pick him up and just put him on slide? And push him down?
Eric: It's like the lifeguard holds out his hand to you and says, Please do not push grown men if they do not want to onto slides.
Mike: [tentatively] You guys go down first, it's fine. I'll be alright. Let me just talk it out with myself.
Julia: [chuckling] I think I'm still gonna do it, though.
Eric: [also laughing] Okay!
Julia: Because I learned this in class, which is my feat actually, it's called, ‘I learned this in class’ and if I make an Intelligence roll of DC 13 if I pass, I won't have to use a roll to do a wrestling move, I just do it myself.
Eric: Okay, but you know that if you fail it, you get hurt…
Julia: No, I hurt myself in the process.
Eric: Oh, that's right, because safety first. That's right. Even in wrestling, safety first.
Julia: Safety is always important.
Eric: Okay, so you're going to try to push him down the slide using a wrestling move?
Julia: I'm going to pick him up over my shoulder and then flip him onto the slide.
[Eric cackles, everyone laughs]
Yep, yep, yep.
And do I add my Strength bonus to this?
Eric: No it’s just intelligence.
Julia: Right, sorry. Alright, so that is an 11 + my Intelligence which is the 3, so it's a 14!
[everyone cheers the passing roll]
Eric: Alright, so Julia what does it look like when you throw…when you fireman-carry Mike onto the slide?
Julia: So it’s a power slam, so you basically pick him up, you put them over your shoulders and then you flip him into the water and then he slides down.
Mike: And then I go, [going down the slide] how are you so strongggg!
Julia: [going down the slide] Squatsss!
Eric: [going down the slide] Core strengthhhh! OK, so now you guys can go down the slide as well.
Amanda: Sweet, alright.
Eric: Alright, so you guys properly wait your turn. Mike, how do you feel, bud?
Mike: I imagine I went down upside down.
Eric: Oh 100%.
Mike: So, not great. But it's like when you go on like a really scary ride but you're trying to not act scared, like, [nonchalantly] Yeah. That was fine, that wasn’t that bad. It was chill.
Amanda: As his knees knock together audibly.
[Eric and Julia chuckle]
Eric: So at the bottom you guys get out of the wave pool. And you clear out of the way…
[break in audio for brief period of time]
It's all like off brand, like sea-level CW characters? So It's like people from One Tree Hill who you don't recognize
Mike: Like The Flash?
Amanda: Seventh Heaven?
Eric: Like people from The Flash who have like two pieces of fanfic written about them.
Amanda: How dare you!
Eric: [cackles] So you guys can pick a…you guys can pick a floaty from the side,
Julia: Like color, or shape or what are our options here?
Amanda: Or are they all theme parked.
Eric: They're all they're all themed, so you guys can just pick whatever one you want.
Mike: I take The Vampire Diaries floaty.
Eric: See, Mike is playing in the space. I like it.
Julia: Um, I want the girlfriend from Black Lightning?
Eric: Good, very good.
Amanda: Uh, I close my eyes and choose one at random.
Julia: Because Amanda has not seen enough CW shows to know what to do.
Amanda: Uh, yes…and?
Eric: You stick your hands out and you pick one and it's Chad Michael Murray. But his last name is spelled wrong. It's MURAY.
Amanda: Cool. Cool. Do I sit like where his abs are supposed to be like…is his face on it?
Eric: [laughing] Yeah, you sit where Chad Michael Murray’s abs should have been.
Amanda: Okay, alright.
Mike: Can I trade my Vampire Diaries out for a Jane the Virgin one that's just a tube that says ‘virgin’ on it?
Eric: [cackles] Yeah. That’s fine, that’s pretty good.
Mike: Tight, tight, tight.
Julia: You don’t want bisexual Tyler Posey?
Mike: I don't know. Those are the two CW shows I know.
Julia: He's from Jane the Virgin, it’s fine.
Eric: Yeah, there's also one that says but Rebecca Brunch on it, that you can get if you really want that.
Eric: One person laughed at that. That's my target audience.
Eric and Julia: [together] Thank you!
Eric: Alright, so, you guys are on the lazy river and you guys look around and why don't you all make a Perception check?
Amanda: A non-natural 20.
Mike: Uh, 8.
Eric: Okay. So, Amanda, you hear the low sound of whistling the same whistle that you've been hearing the entire time. There…
[long, drawn out whistle, audience laughing]
Amanda: It’s so close to my head.
Eric: [chuckles] And Amanda, you know at your extensive time of living on a beach on Long island…
Amanda: Yes, that is correct.
Eric: that you don't think there's a lifeguard on duty
Amanda: Do I discern at all where the whistle is coming from? Is it from like closer into the park? Is it for one of the three you spokes?
Eric: So you hear the music it is pretty nearby. So, I will say that you know they there whoever the lifeguard is probably on the lazy river. But you don't know where. The lazy river is divided into four different areas. There's like for some reason it has like an earthen Airbender theme? So It's like the first one is water. The second one is air. The third one is fire. And the fourth one is Earth
Mike: We go to the heart section.
[someone in the office laughs uncontrollably]
Eric: And they're like, this is net property!!
So you hear it and it's definitely not in the one that you're in.
Mike: Do we…do we know which one we are in?
Eric: You are currently in the first one which is…I'm going to write this down because I just made this up and I…
Julia: Air? I think you said air first.
Eric: It was air…was water fire air and earth. So the first one is not in water.
Amanda: I mean, the river flows in one direction, right? So, I think I think we just got to kind of keep going
Mike: Or do we want to attract the lifeguard? Should I pretend to drown?
Amanda: [interested] Oh!
Julia: Oh, well, I'm concerned about…actually let's do that.
Mike: I pretend to drown to try to draw the lifeguard closer to us.
Eric: Okay, Mike, I want you to make a Performance roll. So that’s Charisma.
Eric: Then use your Performance like to see if you if someone [laughs] believes you're drowning.
Mike: That is a 17 + 3 for a non-natural 20!
[everyone cheers, someone claps]
Julia: Play the victim!
[sounds of someone drowning]
Eric: Alright, so…Mike you hear a rapid…
[sounds of someone drowning]
Eric: You hear a rapid number of splashing and you see that there is a 7 foot tall,110 pounds wet lifeguard standing over you.
[sharp bursts of whistleblowing]
Julia: Is it Michael Phelps?
Mike: Sir! Oh, hey! Save me!
[Mike makes drowning sounds]
Julia: Sir, hey, blah, blah, blah. Cool.
Eric: He is standing in the water and although it looks even lower because he's 7 feet tall, it is literally like 2 feet deep.
Mike: I stand up and then, “Oh, sorry! Oh…anyway, could you please punch my punch card sir? And the punch cards of my friends? [unconvincingly] We've been on all four of the rivers…
Amanda: [dramatically] We got stuck in this…in this whirlpool, in this riptide, oh no!
Mike: We just want to get our things punched and go to the next slide.
Julia: Yeah, we just finish earth…?
Julia: [whispers] That's the last one…
Amanda: At the end of the series. There was a lesbian and it was really exciting!
Julia: It was.
Amanda: Bisexual person.
Julia: By rep.
Brandon (as Lifeguard): Bruh.
Brandon (as Lifeguard): Glad you’re chill brah.…
Brandon (as Lifeguard): I’m glad you didn't drown.
Mike: Thanks, bro
Eric: You see that another lifeguard runs up and this is a 5 foot tall…a woman who was in like a bath…she is like one of those…
Mike: Is she is running in slow motion?
Eric: She is running in slow motion.
Julia: Cool, cool, cool.
Eric: But, I didn’t say anything about her and her body type. That’s just how she runs.
Mike: She runs in slow motion.
Eric: And she runs over and says,
Eric (as Other Lifeguard): Sir!
Eric: And she runs up to Mike and she says,
Eric (as Other Lifeguard): [yelling emphatically] Sir! Sir! I needed to get down. You've obviously been involved in a drowning. You need to stay calm. Sir! Sir! Please sit down.
Mike: I sit down. I sit down!
Eric (as Other Lifeguard): Gervin? Gervin! You didn't perform any of the steps that you need to do in order to perform CPR!
Julia: I go, I'm sorry. Is that a child drowning? And then I put the hat on Mike.
[Mike and Amanda gasp]
Eric: Okay, um, what do I have to do? What is the item say?
Julia: DC 13 Perception check.
Eric: Okay, Brandon, we both need to make a DC Perception check..
Mike: I'm wearing it in spirits.
Amanda: So, roll a d20, Mike.
Mike: Oh, I do? Okay.
That’s an 18 + anything…?
Julia: That’s Perception.
Amanda: You beat it. You just had to beat 13.
Mike: I beat 13!
Eric: Okay. Both Gervin and the lifeguard just straight up failed.
Eric (as Other Lifeguard): Girvan, you lost them!
Amanda: Oh no!!
Julia: Can we get our punch cards punched while you try and find this team that you saw? The drowning child?
Brandon (as Gervin): Where am I going?
Eric (as Other Lifeguard): Gervin?! Why do you… the guy drowned and then he disappeared? How are you able to find some how you supposed to get CPR training, if you can't even find the person after they drown!?
Julia: You probably want to close down this ride. Can you just punch our cards and we can leave? Evacuate the area?
Eric (as Other Lifeguard): Excuse me ma’am, I’m too busy yelling at Gervin!
Julia: I understand.
Eric (as Other Lifeguard): And sir? You're different Sir? You look great. I love your hat.
Mike: Thank you!
Eric (as Other Lifeguard): Sir, can you please clear the area? We’re trying to do CPR.
Mike: Sure, I will clear the area. Just please punch the punch cards.
Amanda, Julia, and Mike: [together] Please?
Eric (as Other Lifeguard): Gervin?
Brandon (as Gervin): Yeah?
Eric (as Other Lifeguard): Gervin?
Brandon (as Gervin): Yeah?
Eric (as Other Lifeguard): This is your chance…
Mike: I go to Gervin and I’m like, ‘Bruh’…I speak Long Island.
[everyone starts yelling Bruh!]
Brandon:I punch Mike’s punch card.
Julia: I also speak Long Island.
Brandon (as Gervin): BRUHHHH.
Brandon:I punch Julia’s punch card.
Amanda: And in finance bro, I say, ‘Brah’.
Brandon: [confused] Brah?
[everyone starts yelling Bruh!]
Brandon:I punch Amanda’s punchcard.
Julia: Let’s bounce.
Eric: As you walk away, you still hear the 5 foot tall lifeguard woman berating Gervin.
Julia: [whispers] Damn it Gervin.
Amanda: That seems fair to be honest.
Julia: Alright, we got one more let's do this!
Eric: Okay, you guys run over to the wave pool. So, as you walk over to the wave pool, you see that there is a lifeguard who is in a very tall seat, who is standing at the wave pool. And they’re kind of like, watching kids and like hanging out, probably playing like a PSP or something.
Julia: Checks out.
Julia: That safety.
Amanda: Safety features.
[someone in audience cackling with vigor]
Eric: Someone super loving that PSP reference, thank you.
Julia: Thank you…
Eric: In between here and the…in between where you're standing and the wave pool is this massive multicolored castle. It has like battlements, and it has like a moat. It has like another moat. And it also has, like, a door they can get cranked up. And you look up on the battlements, and you see that there are three 14-year old boys leering at you.
Julia: The worst amount of boys.
[Amanda and Mike groan]
Eric: You know their names all rhyme….
Mike: Brayden, Trayden, and Jayden.
Julia: I was going to go, Ryan, Brian, and Kyle. That doesn’t work.
Eric: Kyle, and Lyle, and…
Mike: Kyle, but they’re all spelled differently.
Eric: Ryan, Briann with two n's, and Kyyyyylin with five y’s.
Julia: Checks out. Thanks Long Island.
Eric: And they are standing on top of the battlements and they have their hands on some very brightly colored plastic instruments. One of them has two hands on what looks like a water gun version of a ballistic gun. The second one has two hands on like a massive like captain's wheel? And the third one is just like hovering over a big red button.
Amanda: So, this is blocking our way into the wave pool?
Eric: So, you know, so you it's like on the side…So there’s a path…
Amanda: Ah, prime for attack.
Eric: And there is the…to your left is the castle and in front of you, like 200 feet away, is the wave pool.
Julia: How tall is the castle? Like, how high up are they?
Eric: They’re pretty high up. Like I would say that Splish Splash Water Bash doesn't have great safety regulations! Definitely like 10 feet up.
Amanda: Any ideas guys?
Mike: I yell at them and say, Hey, kids! What's your names?
Eric: One of them says,
Eric (as Ryan): Ryan!
Eric: And one of them says,
Eric (as Brian): Brian!
Eric: And one of them says,
Eric (as Other One): Shut up!
Mike: I say cool! I heard some other kids saying that you guys were bad at flossing. You should prove them wrong.
Eric (as Brian): [upset] What?!?!? I'm really great at flossing!!!
Mike: Prove it.
Eric (as Brian): Okay, fine!
Eric: I got a nat 20 on the second one.
Julia: So one of them is very good at flossing.
Eric: [laughing] So I rolled a 19, a nat 20, and a 4!
[everyone laughing heartily]
Julia: Shut up is really bad at flossing.
Eric: So Ryan is like flossing super hard and Brian is just like hitting it!
Julia: He might as well be in Fortnite.
Eric: So hard he pulls something! And Kyle is just like…my dad doesn't let me have Fortnite! I don’t get it.
Mike: We-we sneak by while they’re flossing.
Amanda: We sure do.
Eric: Hold on! So, I want the three of you, how do you… do you want to run or do you want to sneak?
Mike: Sneak because if we run, we might slip.
Amanda: Yeah, like by the base of the towers. They don't have a lot of visibility
Eric: Okay, so I want you all to roll Stealth rolls.
Mike: [whispers] Stealth…
Eric: So it should be in Dexterity?
Mike: Erm, that’s a 5+2 for a non-natural 7.
Eric:14, 11, 7?
Eric: Alright Julia, using your superior core strength that you have because you exercise and the rest of us don't.
Julia: I did so many planks.
Eric: [chuckles] You are able to get pretty far across and as you're running across you see that there are these little like, holes in the ground? that are like disparate points throughout the…the floor.
Julia: Oh they’re probably like water geysers are something.
Eric: Mike and Amanda, you try to hoof it and Mike you're too busy laughing at the 14-year old who you made feel bad about his dad.
Julia: Awww, why?
Eric: From keeping him from playing Fortnite.
Mike: That plays, that plays.
Amanda: Listen guys! All bullies have hurt underneath them.
Julia: Are you saying Mike can’t floss?
Eric: And Amanda you're just not fast enough to get out. So, while Brian and Ryan are just flossing so freaking hard, just like their lives depend on it! Like T-Pain is going to be there and he's going to come out and be like,
Eric (as T-Pain): Yo, you're so good!
Eric: In post, will you auto tune this, Brandon?
Eric: Okay, fine. He's like…
Eric (as T-Pain): [partially singing] You're so good at flossing!!
Eric: But Kylen is just like,
Eric (as Kylen): No, HEY, HEY, HEY! Stop it!
Eric: And he hits the big red button.
Amanda: Oh no.
Mike: Can I throw my basketball at him first?
Eric: [chuckles] Sure. Okay…
Julia: Bring me that action!
Eric: You want to throw the basketball up 10 feet at some kid who is up on a battlement?
Eric: Okay, So I want you to make an attack roll…
Eric: So it should be on your stats, so you roll a d20 and then you add your Dexterity and your proficiency.
Mike: Okay, so, I rolled a 10 with that. My dexterity is a 2. And then do I roll…
Eric: And then proficiency you get a +2.
Mike: Okay. So that’s a 14.
Amanda: Just like him!! Wowww!
Eric: I want to see if Kylen gets out of the way.
Okay, so Kylen rolled an 18. So you throw the basketball and it's definitely on target. But he's just like seething with [chuckles] teenager rage and he sees it coming and it bounces off the side of his shoulder and just kind of like bounces off to over to the side and be like,
Eric (as Kylen): Hey, buddy! Hey!! And he hits the big red button. And you guys hear just like this loud, loud, alarm that, like, resonates throughout the entire…through the entire area.
Amanda: Where was this when there was a drowning?
[Mike laughs heartily, alarm starts]
Eric: Brandon, make it deeper.
Brandon:Make it deeper?
[slightly deeper alarm sound]
Eric: Yeah, that’s fine. I want everyone to make a Perception check.
Amanda: I think we should keep running.
Mike: Yes, please.
Julia: I’m already past…
Amanda: I got an 8.
Mike: I got a ten.
Julia: I also got an 8.
Okay, you guys are all looking around to figure out where the hell this alarm is coming from. And like it's coming…like you look over the castle and you look at Kylen and he's giving you two middle fingers now. And Brian and Ryan have stopped flossing incredibly hard and is giving you middle fingers now.
Julia: Oh, no, no.
Eric: Actually Brian with his nat 20 is flossing with one hand, [laughing] and middle finger in the other hand.
Eric (as Kylen): How does he do it?!
Amanda: It still looks good! How does his knees move in those directions?!
Eric: [laughs] And you guys, at the last second, see that Kylen is pointing, he's not just giving you the middle finger, but he's pointing at something behind you.
Julia: Uh oh.
Eric: And you see that there is another castle behind you. But there aren't any battlements on this one. Like on the other side of the…of the road. There aren't any battlements on this one. There is just a giant cup, that is holding gallons and gallons of water and it currently is pouring on top of the roof that is now flooding down, and is about to hit you all in the face.
Amanda: Can we jump back against the wall? Any odds?
Eric: Do you have an idea?
Julia: I wanted to… it will only help me and I don't want to abandon my teammates.
Amanda: Can I pull an umbrella out of my introvert’s survival kit?
Eric: Do it.
Amanda: [sadly] I got an eight.
Eric: Okay, Amanda you reach into the survival kit. You're like oh, something needs to save me now, it's gonna be so wet! I really gotta save my friends! And you pull out you reach in. [laughing] And there's a squishy banana.
Mike: I eat the squishy banana.
Amanda: For strength!!
Mike and Amanda: [yelling, together] FOR POTASSIUM!
Eric: Alright, everyone takes 10 points of water damage.
Amanda: That is a lot of water damage!
Eric: It’s a lot of water!
Julia: Oh no..
Eric: How many points of HP do you guys have?
Mike: Down to 4!
Julia: How are you so HPed?
Amanda: Because potassium rewards the rich.
Eric: It’s true. So the way that I created this is that Amanda and Julia both have low constitution because like I said, Julia can’t drink brown liquor and Amanda can’t eat anything?
Julia: Except for the squished banana?
Amanda: My tum is exceptionally weak.
Eric: So she has low constitution. So you guys are just drenched. You're just dripping from your suits now. And the three teenage boys on the other side are just laughing at you. They're laughing.
Amanda: Hey, okay! Good prank, you got us. Can you punch our punch cards now please?
Julia: They…they don’t have the punch card do they?
Mike: No, no. We have to go to the wave pool.
Eric (as Kylen): What are you talking about? Why would I have a jooob?
Julia: It’s true, you’re a teen.
Eric (as Kylen): They won't even hire me at the Tastee Freez!
Amanda: Worth a try! Alright let's proceed.
Eric: And Kylen is just like,
Eric (as Kylen): Sometimes! I work with my dad at the construction site!
Julia: We’re already walking away.
Mike: Yeah, we’re not…
Julia: No more. I don’t want to hear your sob story.
Eric (as Kylen): He won’t let me play Fortnite, because he says it rots my brains!!
Mike: It does!!
Julia: [quietly chants] Wave pool! Wave pool!
Eric: So you guys are over at the wave pool and yeah, the wave pool is super chill. It's just like… it's really low. It's like it feels very manufactured. Like you know there are no waves like this. And it's just like super chill. The only people who are in there right now are like is a woman with like eight toddlers.
Julia: Okay. I gently dip in and then I go to the lifeguard and go like, please! Stop playing Spyro, please!
Eric (as Lifeguard): Oh, wait! Oh, I just got to the save point. It's fine. Okay, cool, cool.
Julia: Sweet, great.
Eric (as Lifeguard): Yeah, you guys need a punch card?
Eric (as Lifeguard): Oh! you guys got like super wet.
Julia and Mike: [together] Yes.
Eric (as Lifeguard): Oh, nice. Very chill.
Mike: It’s pretty chill.
Eric (as Lifeguard): It is pretty chill, it’s nice.
Mike: We kept it wavy.
Eric (as Lifeguard): Yeah. Oh, I see. Because it’s the wave pool?
Eric (as Lifeguard): Oh, I got it. Oh, nice, nice, nice, nice. Cool, cool, cool.
Julia: [patiently frustrated] We have so little time, please!
Amanda: Do we have like a waterproof pocket in our bathing suits? How are these not getting wet?
Eric: Yeah, so they are laminated.
Julia: They’re poorly laminated.
Eric: And you also had a waterproof pocket.
Amanda: One of those back of the leggings pockets?
Eric: Absolutely. So he punches all of them. You do have all three punched.
Mike: Okay, we go to the big cabana thing.
Julia: Because it’s right over here, right?! It’s right by the wave pool?
Eric: So you guys…you guys can walk around and you see that behind the wave pool is this like little stone path that leads to this...this giant cabana. Like it's a cabana the size of a house.
Amanda: [gasps] I want it!
Mike: Let’s go inside.
Eric: You go inside…
Amanda: Are there giant towels?
Mike: Well, let’s go inside, there’s 8 minutes left.
Amanda: C’mon, c’mon, c’mon!
Eric: So you guys are standing in front of the cabana. You try the door and it’s locked. And you see that there's this little like metal panel and it opens up and this little robot hand puts its hand out.
Julia: I put my punch card in it.
Eric: So it puts it’s pointer finger, its middle finger, it’s ring finger, in the three punch holes and it says,
Eric (as Robot): Welcome to the cool cabana.
Eric (as Robot): Have a fun time, Juliaaaa.
Julia: Ugh, I don’t like it. I hate it so much.
Mike:I give him my punch card.
Eric: Alright. It does all that and it says...
Eric (as Robot): Welcome to the cabana, Schubessss.
Mike: I give it a secret handshake.
Eric: Ah! Okay. What do you do?
Julia: What does that look like?
Eric: Oh, I do the one from the School of Rock.
Eric: Oh, nice.
Mike: Yeah, slap it and then you do the makeup platform in the middle. Let's rock, Let's rock today.
Eric (as Robot): Let’s ROCK, Let’s ROCK, Let’s ROCK tonight.
Mike: [correcting] Today.
Eric (as Robot): Todayyyy.
Mike: Slap it, shoot it, kaboot it.
Eric (as Robot): Todayyyyy. Error, error, error.
[sounds of tech turning off]
Julia: 7 minutes.
Amanda: I don’t know! I put mine in.
Eric: Okay, so it says...
Eric (as Robot): Welcome back Amanda: VIP member. Please look to your left where you have entered in all of your favorite foods, non-dairy ice cream, rice, and a plate of various things you find in your cabinettt.
Amanda: It’s true.
Amanda: I give it a thumbs up.
Eric (as Robot): Thank you now have 100,000 bonus points
Mike: Amanda, you come here A LOT.
Amanda: Let's talk about it later.
[Eric and audience laugh]
Eric: So you go inside the cabana and it's beautiful in there. There are just giant towels and there's all the food you can think. There are Amanda's specialty foods in there but next door there's just like burgers and fries and mozzarella sticks.
Eric: And like…
Julia: I grab so many mozzarella sticks.
Eric: That's fine. That's your right.
Julia: Yeah, thank you.
Eric: You have mozzarella sticks and there's like there's a…there's NBA Jam in the corner.
Mike: I go play NBA JAM!
Julia: We have a mission!
Mike: Fine! Okay! Let’s do this quick so we can play NBA Jam!
Eric: [cackling] I knew I would get you with that one. And there's like a fireplace and there's like there's also a washing machine, if you want to dry anything. Anything in your heart's content is in this cabana.
Julia: If I dry myself, will I get my HP back?
Eric: I…you can try?
Amanda: We have 5 ½ minutes left, let’s find the DM! Is the DM or a cassette player in here?
Eric: What doesn’t everyone make an Investigation roll?
Mike: Oh! That is a natural 1.
Julia: Oh, Jesus.
Amanda: I got an 18.
Julia: Oh, thank god.
Eric: So Mike…so Mike is actually playing NBA Jam.
Julia: I like, lost track of him all of a sudden it was like wait.
Mike: [yelling] Oh, c’mon Stockton!
Eric: Uh, and Julia, you're too busy eating mozzarella sticks.
Julia: I understand.
Eric: And Amanda, you remember what the cassette said before? Is that you need to find…I can just read it back to you because I have notes. It says
Eric (as Dungeon Master): You will have 50 minutes to complete my puzzums and walk through the blue door at the end.
Julia: Where's the blue door Amanda?
Amanda: Was the cabana door blue?
Amanda: Was there one in here?
Eric: No, there is no…you do look around. And you do not see a blue door.
Mike: Do we see any doors?
Eric: Yes. So the other front door that you were in. And then there is there are two doors on the other side of the room.
Mike: Are…is there blue paint anywhere?
Mike: Damn it.
Julia: What color are the doors?
Amanda: Open up both doors and see what’s through them.
Eric: Okay. So you open up the first door and he's just like a towel room. And just like super fluffy towels.
Amanda: A different kind of reward.
Eric: Yeah. So you open the other door and the other door is really strange because you open it up and there's, like, nothing there? And Amanda, you look down and there's a diving board. Just like to 2 feet out it's just like, darkness.
Amanda: I close my eyes and jump.
Eric: You do?
Eric: Alright. Amanda, I want you to make an Acrobatics roll.
Amanda: Oh, God. [brief pause] Well, I got a 2-1.
Eric: Amanda, if you were to fail, jumping into a pool with the diving board, what would happen to you?
Amanda: I think I would miss the diving board and just jump.
Eric: [laughing hard] Your eyes aren't open. Okay, so you guys…Mike, you're just playing NBA jam. And Julia you're just stuffing as many mozzarella sticks…sticks into your mouth. And you see and then you just see Amanda's gone. And the door is open and you guys look over and there's a diving board that goes into nothing.
Julia: Okay, I’m going to jump in as well.
Amanda: Thanks, guys.
Eric: How do you want to jump in?
Julia: Swan dive.
Mike: I want to I want to do a…round off.
Eric: Alright, everyone make an acrobatics roll.
Julia: Alright, 15+2, so a 17.
Mike: 18+ 2 for a non-natural 20!
Eric: Oh nice! Very good. Very good. Okay, you guys. Julia. You do it, actually. You jump in first and Mike, you see her just kind of disappear into the nothingness. And what do you do with the non-natural 20?
Mike: A roundoff? It's like the one where you do a cartwheel, but then you like turn into that you like land on two feet facing backwards and jump into a backflip.
Amanda: Oh damn.
Eric: Simone Biles apparently.
Mike: My dad actually was a diver, so this kind of checks out.
Julia: We have 3 minutes.
Eric: You have 2 minutes and 45 seconds. Is that okay?
Mike: No it’s good, we’re good! I do it and it looks great.
Eric: Okay, so Mike, you jumped off of the diving board and you are spinning through the darkness and you feel like you're just falling and falling and falling. And suddenly you hit something cold. And you look down, and it is just the bluest water that you are you are coming into.
Eric: It's like, I don't even like an Acid Lake, or just like a lake you would see on National Geographic. There's just so…so blue. You guys know what I’m talking about, you’re on tumbler.
Mike: Anyway, we have two minutes, let’s go.
Eric: Yeah, it's fine. Mike immediately you open your eyes and you're in your bed at night. And you look around and it's 3:30 in the morning, and you look over and you touch your lucky Knicks basketball. And it's still there. You had the weirdest dream, man. I can't believe it.
Mike: But How did I wake up wearing this one piece swimsuit?!
Eric: And you look over to the chair that's next to your bed, and there was a sopping wet, old timey 1950s bathing suit. And that is Dungeon and Dragons – In Reality.
Julia: We did it with 1 minute 30 seconds left.
Eric: They did it with 1 minute and 35 seconds left. They were trapped in terrible eternity forever.
Eric: Yeah, that's kind of what happens! It’s really dark if they don't do it.
So, thank you so much to my players. Yeah! Mike.This is Mike’s third time playing Dungeons and Dragons! It’s Julia’s first time doing this, and Amanda doesn't really like games so that’s a big deal. Thank you so much to Brandon, who was my NPC and also my Foley. Yeah... Alright. Thank you so much!