Goat Party (with Lauren Shippen)

We’re goats at a party. It’s a big party, and it includes Tilda Swinton making eye contact.

We're playing Goat Crashers by Grant Howitt!

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Cast & Crew

- Goat Master: Amanda McLoughlin

- Goat: Brandon Grugle

- Goat: Eric Silver 

- Goat: Lauren Shippen

- Multitude: multitude.productions

About Us

Join the Party is a collaborative storytelling and roleplaying podcast. That means a group of friends create a story together, chapter by chapter, that everyone from seasoned players to true beginners can enjoy. Where else can you get adventure, intrigue, magic, drama, and lots of high fives all in one place? Right here.

After each episode we sit down for the Afterparty, where we break down our game and answer your questions about how to play Dungeons & Dragons and other roleplaying games at home. We also have the Punchbowl, an interview series with people pushing D&D forward creatively, communally and socially. It’s a party, and you’re invited! Find out more at jointhepartypod.com.


[theme music]

Amanda: If you know anything about me, you know that I really love goats. So…

[everyone laughs]

When we were…you're laughing, but this is how we're starting.

[everyone chuckles]

Because when we were discussing what we could possibly be doing over our summer break, one of the ideas was this wonderful one page RPG by Grant Howitt called Goat Crashers! Which I have been calling Goat Party in my head for about 6 months, not knowing that wasn't the real name of it until today.

[Eric, Brandon, and Lauren laugh]

So thanks Grant! And we'll put the link to the original RPG in the description, of course.

So, this is a very exciting game because you get to be cheeky little goats! And your…your goal in this game is just to party! So, I'm going to explain to you really quick how the game works. Then we're going to roll up our characters. Then we are going to play Goat Crashers.

Y’all ready?

Brandon: Yeah!

Lauren: Hell yes!

Eric: I am. [short pause] Wait…one of you isn’t Brandon.

[Lauren laughs]

Brandon: We’re both Brandon!

Amanda: Hi! Welcome fellow RPG podcaster Lauren Shippen! How are you?

Eric: HEYY! It’ Lauren Shippen!

Lauren: Thank you so much for having me, I’m so excited to BE A GOAT!

Eric: I think just as important is that I, Eric Silver, usual DM…

[Brandon laughs heartily]

Get to not be that, and I get to play, so I am VERY EXCITED! [chuckles] Nothing different about Brandon. He's a robot in this one too.

[Lauren and Eric laugh]

[Brandon and Lauren chant Robo-Goat]

Amanda: Listen, it isn’t one of the choices, but we can make it so.

[Lauren chuckles]

 Let's actually get to it. So everyone has a d6 in front of them. And we are going to roll what kind of goat you're going to be, what your favorite goat thing is to do, which is going to kinda be like you're sort of special skill that'll give you special bonuses. And then finally, what you want to do with the party.

So let's start with Brandon. Again Robo-Goat, not one of the choices, but please roll with the d6 and tell me what kind of goat you are.

Brandon: That’s very limiting.

[dice rolls, Eric immediately laughs in response to roll]

Amanda: Nice!

Eric: I love Brandon and starting out be like, “Fuck this! Why can't I be a robot with con…constraints?”

Brandon: Oh, don’t worry, I got something just as good. [pauses for effect] Satanic…

[everyone gasps]

I’m a metalhead goat.

Amanda: So you’re an occult goat?

Brandon: Mhm.

Amanda: Excellent. And If you could please roll again and tell me your favorite goat thing to do.

[dice rolls]

Brandon: Just eating stuff. Or, just tasting it.

Amanda: Good. I love it. I don't judge. Love it. And then Brandon, finally, if you could take a d10 and tell me what you want to do at this party. What is your goal? What is your motivation? Your mo-goativation?

Brandon: I was looking for it? No reason to fight it, I'm glad you took it.

[Lauren laughs]

Eric: Alright.

[dice rolls]

Brandon: Wow, that actually works nicely.

Amanda: That’s perfect.

Brandon: Um, I'm just…I just want to eat cake.

Amanda: Beautiful. I just want to eat…NONE OF THAT FONDANT SHIT.

[Eric and Lauren laugh]

Amanda: [taken aback] Wow…

[Eric continues laughing]

This is like your kids going to someone else's house for a playdate and they act TOTALLY DIFFERENTLY.

[Lauren laughs heartily]

Eric: As soon as you can wear shoes inside, all rules are off!!

Amanda: Model player Lauren Shippen, could you please tell me what type of goat you are?

Lauren: [chuckles] Oh my goodness, so much pressure!

Amanda: Well, this is my Ship now, bae-by!

[dice rolls]

Brandon: [quietly] You're Shippen?

Lauren: [excitedly] Oh! I am a pygmy goat? Yes!!!

Brandon: [in mild excitement] Yeah…

Eric: Tiny goat!

Lauren: Tiny goat!!!!

Amanda: TINY GOAT. Your Smallness, what is your favorite thing to do?

Lauren: My favorite thing to do…is running around.

[Eric laughs]

Amanda: YES!!! So small…Such a good goat!

Eric: Such a good goat.

Amanda: [joyfully] And you have to cover so much distance!

Lauren: [laughs jovially] That’s the best!

Amanda: A pygmy goat who likes to run, what do you want to do at the party?

[dice rolls]

Lauren: I want to get one of these goody bags.

[Amanda gasps in approval]

Brandon: What a mischievous small goat!

Lauren: Tiny little mischievous goat!

Brandon: Is there an iPod in there?

Eric: I bet there’s a Zune.

[everyone laughs]

Amanda: How do you do it with hooves?

Eric: Why isn’t the Zune hoof compatible?

Brandon: She can fit in the goody bag!

[Amanda and Lauren aww]

Lauren: So small!

Amanda: He just wants a new little house.

[everyone chuckles softly]

Eric: Alright, well, Lauren roll. Let’s see if you find a new house.

[Lauren laughs]

Amanda: Hey, excuse me, sir. I'm the DM here…

Eric: Oop, I’m sorry.

Amanda: Sorry, I’m the GM here, the Goat Master.

Eric: Ahhh, there it is.

Amanda: Eric, please tell me what kind of goat you are.

Eric: Alright, big money. Come on.

[dice rolls]

Eric: YES. [woos] I am the fainting goat!!

Brandon: Oh my god.

Amanda: Uh oh.

Eric: Yesss! Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Amanda: [mildly irked] He asked me if he could pick that, and I said no. And then he rolled…

Brandon: My favorite thing is that it's audio, so the audience is just gonna hear nothing when you faint.

Eric: It’s just going to go…[makes light womp sound].

Brandon: No sound effects, it’s just going to be like…

Eric: No Brandon, Brandon. Put in that Foley, please.

[dice rolls]

My favorite thing to do are, headbutts?

Brandon: That seems counterintuitive to your function as a goat.

Eric: Brandon, all of our…

Amanda: Unless…Unless when you faint, you accidentally headbutt something or someone on your way down?

[Brandon laughs heartily]

Eric: Hey Brandon, I wasn't critical of your character, so why don't you let my character live? I…also, my character is also a barbarian.

Amanda: OK, OK, let's focus on our motivation here on our plot and tell me Eric, what you want to do with the party, this headbutting fainting goat.

Eric: Okay, this is what I really want. But let's see what happens.

[dice rolls]

I got a 5, and it's dance with an heiress.

[Brandon and Amanda laugh softly]

Eric: Alright…

Amanda: Lots of conflicting things here.

Eric: Listen, I just need to follow my dreams. Narcolepsy is not going to keep me from dancing with the heir of the tartar sauce fortune.

[Lauren chuckles]

Amanda: Excellent. Bill Tartar.

Brandon: Anastasia Tartar.

[Amanda chuckles]

Lauren: The last of the Tartars.

Eric: Bilomina Tartar.

Amanda: Mhm, mhm.

Eric: But she goes by Bill.

Amanda: And now I am going to roll to say what secretly is going on at this party, that you guys aren't going to know about. I get to protect my roll, and then laugh…while looking and making uncomfortable eye contact with all of you.

[Eric and Brandon chuckle]

Just like our DM normally does.

[everyone laughs heartily]

Brandon: This is the whole reason she wanted to DM: for that joke.

Eric: Just for that moment.

[Lauren giggles]

Amanda: Oh, I’m just warming up. Don’t worry, don’t worry.

[Brandon chuckles]

I really wanted to…to Goat Master this session so that I could bring you to my favorite place in the world. But before we get there, why don't I tell you how this is going to work.

Basically, you want to achieve your goal: you want to party. You are here at a party, but the only problem is that the party is run by humans. So people, eventually, may notice that you are [short pause] goats and try to kick you out.

[Eric laughs]

So what you're going to do is, every turn you get to do something, try to get further to your goal. When you want to do something risky, you have to roll your 2 d6 that are in front of you. If you are doing your special goat skill, then you get to add 2 more d6. And basically, if it's a 4 or 5 or 6 that you end up rolling, it's a success. If you roll beneath a 4, it is a failure. So the more successes you roll, the better the action goes. But if you start doing stuff that’s suspicious or you roll and there's no successes, or just 1, which means it's a little bit challenging for you to do. But as people start to notice that maybe there are some goats at this party, I am going to add some dice to something called a chaos pool.

So, this is sort of the sense of like the party's atmosphere getting more and more suspicious. So, if I end up rolling, ultimately more chaos’ then you roll successes, then things do not go well for you. Again, if you're 1 ahead of me, if you're 1 success above the chaos, then it goes sort of partially well, and things get a little bit more difficult.

And each of you have this special goat power where each person one time during the session can party hard!! And access the power of chaos. So this means that you grab all the dice in the chaos pool and you add them to your hand. You roll them, it's unopposed, you're going to succeed no matter what. And then the chaos pool resets and is at 0. It's basically party so hard the party forgets who you are and they're just like, “Whoever this is…love them.''

Brandon: So I can literally summon Cthulhu, it’s beautiful.

Eric: What kind of parties do you go to?

[Lauren laughs]

Eric: Brandon is going to do what he does at every party and is going to like, summon Cthulhu.

[Lauren continues laughing]

That was the worst Christmas party I've ever been to.

Amanda: Would anyone like to tell me their goat’s name? Your motivation? What you're doing?

You don't know what party you’re at but tell me a little bit more about who you are.

Eric: Uh, My goats’ name is Montgomery C. Abernathy IV…

[Lauren chuckles]

Brandon: Stunning.

Eric: But yeah, I just go by Montgomery.

[Lauren laughs]

See…Montgomery C. Abernathy III was my father. Calveit Montgomery C. Abernathy IV.

Brandon: How do you feel about Monty?

Eric: No thank you.

Lauren: [chuckles] Gomery?

Eric: That's not even…I don't even know what that is. I can’t even process that.

Um, Montgomery came from a long lineage of royal goats. But he was cast out for, you know, having a fainting problem.

Amanda: Mhm, mhm.

Eric: So now he's tried to find his new fortune in the big city. And he knows the best way to do that is to dance with an heiress and hopefully get her to fall in love with him. And that's why he's…he's going after Belomina Tartar, the heir to the tartar sauce fortune.

Amanda: Great, love it.

Brandon: If you're in-character Eric, will require you to bley tap me.

Eric: Okay, that's fine.

Brandon: Thank you.

Eric: I mean in-character if it's goat-to-goat, I'm going to speak like a goat language.

Amanda: Oh no, this is Dr. Who rules, where we’re automatically translated to the language of the audience.

[Lauren chuckles]

Eric: Okay, got it.

[Eric merrrs like a goat]

My goat-to-goat GGG voice, [with slow, southern-like drawl] I’m Mon-Montgomery…

Brandon: Oh no…

Eric: [continuing] C. Abernathy IV…

Lauren: I’m sorry what?

Amanda: Wow.

Eric: [continues in drawl] My name is…Montgomery C. Abernathy IV. And I’m here to take my crown back. Beeehhh.

[short pause]

Amanda: Oh no, he fainted.

Eric: Oh no!

[Lauren laughs]

Amanda: Alright Lauren, what is your goat’s name?

Lauren: My goat’s name is Daisy.

Amanda: Amazing. What else could it be?

Lauren: And this is her first ever party.

[Eric laughs heartily]

Lauren: She doesn’t spend a lot of time indoors. I'm assuming this party is indoors, so it might be an outdoor fet. And you know, running…running is her greatest delight but things have been a little…the luster of running has…has worn out a little bit and so she's looking to get some interesting things.

Amanda: Okay.

She wants these goody bags.

Amanda: Some greener pastures.

Amanda: Yeah, she hears that some parties have things that you can take home and she's very intrigued by that.

Amanda: Love it. Brandon, Tell me about your occult goat and how they have, I don't want to say fallen into, but come to this lifestyle.

Brandon: Mm, what's funnier? Keith or Cupcake?

Lauren: Cupcake.

Amanda: Cupcake.

Eric: Keith Cupcake.

[everyone chuckles]

Amanda: Cupcake Heathcliff III.

Eric: Heathcliff Cupcake III.

Amanda: Yes!

Eric: But everyone calls me, “Cup”.

Brandon: Yeah, that's 100% what it is! It's Heathcliff Cupcake III and everyone calls him Cup!

[Lauren laughs]

Eric: Goats have a long tradition of natural-lineal naming.

Brandon: Um, Heathcliff Cup, it’s not that he's fallen into it…he's just dabbling right now.

Amanda: Mm. Okay, okay.

Brandon: You know, he hasn't quite told his parents about it yet but he's figuring it out. Um, he’s hoping that he'll meet some like-minded people at this party.

Amanda: Okay!

Brandon: But mainly he just wants to eat stuff…or at least taste it.

Amanda: Okay, okay.

[Eric laughs, Amanda joins in]

Brandon: That doesn’t include the furniture but does include the wallpaper. It also includes lots of people's hands and feet…

Amanda: Maybe the gift bag, mm?

Brandon: Probably the gift bag.

Amanda: Maybe Miss Tartar?

Brandon: [mischievously] Oh…!!!

Eric: [strictly] No! You stay away!

[Lauren laughs]

Eric (as Montgomery): [southern-drawl accent] Nahh, you stay away from Miss Tartar [breaks accent and laughs], she’s mine!!!

Brandon: Everything is definitely cake and he will summon some demons to get that cake. You know what I mean?

Amanda: Excellent.

Eric: So does, first of all…

Brandon: I don't…

Eric: Does Cup have a thing that he says before he goes to town?

Brandon: On anything or cake?

Eric: Anything.

Brandon: Uh, anything, no, he's very…he's very quiet about when he’s just licking things.

[Eric and Amanda laugh]

Amanda: Under the radar, weirdly I'm having deja vu right now. Which I never could’ve seen coming!

[everyone laughs]

Lauren: You couldn’t have imagined this exact scenario? 

Amanda: No, no, no, I sure didn't.

[Amanda and Eric laugh]

Brandon: But when we get to the cake, you'll have to find out what the play is, Eric.

Eric: [cackles] Did you just tease a future game?

Brandon: Yeah! I bought myself sometimes when I did.

[everyone chuckles]

Amanda: Well why don't we learn a little bit more about our world? Let me set the scene for you, here in our goat party.

It is springtime. The trees are blooming. The grass is growing. Goats everywhere are frolicking, running in the sun. And even in this concrete jungle of New York City, you can tell that spring is here. Everywhere, trees are getting green again. And that's no truer than in Central Park.

It is busy today. People are taking their lunch into the park. The squirrels are building their nests and the birds are migrating home for summer. But one section is busier than all the others. Along the eastern edge of the park on Fifth Avenue, people are swarming around this big white building. There are trucks in the loading bay, there are throngs of movers and construction workers around back…

Eric: Jesus Christ…

[Lauren laughs heartily]

Amanda: Excuse me, I’m doing my scene sitting here, sir!

[everyone laughs]

I know you don't respect the arts!!

[continued laughing]

Eric: Wow!

Amanda: A narrative!

Eric: [whispers] Wow…

Amanda: Excuse me, back to my paragraph.

[Brandon laughs]

Amanda: There are trucks, there are construction workers, and there are dozens of well-dressed headset-wearing staffers running in and out of the front entrance…in ballgowns?

They actually covered the whole front of the building in a big plastic tent. It's almost 30 feet tall. And it encases the grand steps and matching sets of double doors in this sort of plastic bubble. Down where the tent meets the sidewalk, police barriers are keeping onlookers from walking on the lush, red carpet that's just been laid down.

Something big is going on today.

Brandon: Ima lick that carpet, but anyway, continue.

[Lauren chuckles]

Amanda: And then you remember…Oh right! It's the first Monday in May. You know what that means y'all?

Lauren: Oh Yeah.

Amanda: It’s time for the Met Gala.

Eric: Ohhh god!

Brandon: I need to know everything! Who's the hosts, what's the theme?

Eric: Yeah, what’s the theme?

Lauren: What’s the theme?

Amanda: It is Bacchanalia themed.

Eric: Okay.

Lauren: Very good.

Amanda: Confusingly, lots of people are dressed as goats…

[Eric cackles]

Amanda: Because God Bacchus, in fact, takes a semi-goat form.

Brandon: Now Amanda, I know what that means…

Amanda: Yes.

Brandon: But for the listeners at home who may not know or get that theme…

Amanda: Yes.

Brandon: [laughs] What would that mean?

Amanda: So, the Met Gala is like high societies’ prom. Happens every year, put on by Vogue, and Anna Wintour, who I don't know may or may not be in attendance tonight. And all of the like well-to-do and celebrities in New York City inexplicably, sometimes Instagram influencers, are invited and they have to dress up in themes.

Everybody looks like they're a museum exhibit. They go into the Met, they eat dinner. Ostensibly, there's some kind of charitable aspect to it. Don't really know what that is. And people are photographed as they come up into the museum on the red carpet.

Brandon: Okay, okay.

Amanda: So, it's about 5:30 today. People are setting up for the red carpet. Folks are going to be arriving very soon. And we have to figure out…

A. Where all of you are waiting, maybe around the corner in the park. And also how you're going to get into the museum. Come join this party.

Brandon: Ohhh…

Lauren: Man, I bet the Met Gala has such good goody bags!!

Amanda: Oh yes! Definitely.

Brandon: Oh, yes. iPads in there.

Amanda: Oh, yeah.

Eric (as Montgomery):I bet there’s a Zunnneee!

[Lauren chuckles]

Brandon: We can essentially get away with being goats with this theme, correct?

Amanda: I think this might be a little bit to your advantage.

Brandon: Okay.

Amanda: So that people are going to be dressed in various forms of kind of animals.

So, Bacchanalia is like an old fashioned good old like hedonistic party. So lots of…

Brandon: Good old fashioned!

Amanda: Yeah, it's all about like, the carnal pleasures. So people are here. Maybe they'll be dressed up as like a big piece of meat. Maybe they'll be dressed up as Oedipus, risqué, I know. Maybe they'll be dressed up as like grapes because Bacchus is the is the God of the harvest.

Brandon: Okay, I have an idea. I want to pitch an idea out to y’all.

Eric: So this is how it feels being on this side of this?

[everyone laughs]

Brandon: Okay, so part of me dabbling, Mr. Cup, dabbling in the occultism is the first step is he got some red slit contacts, you know.

Amanda: Yeah, all for it. Love it.

Brandon: So he’s already playing this part a little bit, So, let me pitch you this idea. Three goats in a trench coat.

Eric: Okay.

Brandon: We get on each other's backs. And we just walk into the…just walk on the red carpet.

Eric: Okay…

Lauren: Only if I can be the top goat because otherwise, I'll be crushed.

Brandon: Oh, no…

Lauren: I’m so small.

Eric: Also, I will faint in the middle of this plan.

Amanda: Oh nooo! Haaa!

[Eric laughs]

Brandon: You’re right, I will… I will have to lick every inch of this carpet, this is a bad plan.

[Eric and Lauren laughing]

Amanda: Okay.

Lauren: Okay, so I'm just sort of along…along the side just munching on a flower over in like, you know, one of the little flower banks.

Amanda: Yeah. There are flower beds encircling the fountains that are kind of right next to the red carpet. So it's within the tent actually, you just kind of walked in through the police barrier.

Lauren: Perfect, yeah, very small. You know, I'm kind of in the area.

Amanda: I see it.

Lauren:  And who is on the red carpet right now? What can I See?

Amanda: Primarily, even though he is the shortest and in fact closest to pygmy goat size, Ryan Seacrest? And there are other people around getting earpieces set up, getting lights and cameras set up. Primarily though it is Ryan Seacrest, actually eating a lot of grass and you think, “Wait is that one of us?”. You're not quite sure.

Eric: Okay, I have a plan.

Amanda: How do you know each other?

Eric: Oh, umm…

Amanda: Just three goats in the big city?

Lauren: I've never seen these goats before.

Amanda: [surprised] Oh…

Lauren: I don’t know these guys.

Eric: I found them on…on Goat Friendster.

Amanda: Mhm.

[Lauren laughs]

Eric: Which is this Billy Goat, Billy [searching for it]…Face Billy Goat? I don't know.

Amanda: Okay, okay.

Eric: Face Billy Goat. And I’m distantly related.

Amanda: Hoofbook.


Amanda: There it is.

Eric: There it is, Hoofbook. And I’m distantly related to both of them.

[Lauren laughs]

And I found them on face…Hoofbook, and I bleated at them.

[Lauren laughing]

Amanda: Are you wearing Bleats headphones?

[Eric laughs]

Lauren: Ding Ding Ding!

Eric (as Montgomery): Arright! Come her cousin…Come her cousins! I think that the best way for us to get into this party is to be a part of the theme. And everyone there's goats themselves…

Eric: And then I fall over and pass out.

[Lauren chuckles]

Brandon: So we can drag him in, do you think?

Eric: And then Montgomery picks himself up pretty quickly and says…

Eric (as Montgomery): Oh, I’m sorry. That happens sometimes. Err, so the best thing I think we should do is get ourselves covered in something, because it’s not just goats. It’s goats and Bacchanalia. So, I think if we find some mud and some wine, that we can be able to cover ourselves and I know just a place to get it.

Eric: And then I fall over again.

[Lauren chuckles]

Amanda: You notice a Vogue staffer in a ball gown, but also with a headset and sneakers on, starts to look over a couple of times at you. Also, then you hear someone say into their mouthpiece, “It’s GA-GA!”.

[Eric and Lauren laugh]

And down the sidewalk, you see a throng of men dressed as shepherds start to walk toward you. With someone behind them or like you see like a little a little quaff kind of bopping in the middle of this group of shepherd men.

Lauren: I run over, with my fast little hooves.

Amanda: Okay. Just right into….

Lauren: Just right along the side, I’m still kind of, you know, keeping my distance but run very quickly.

Amanda: Great. I think no one notices you because it makes total sense that Lady Gaga would bring not just 20 hunks but a goat…

Lauren: A goat.

Amanda: To the Met Gala.

Brandon: I mean, seeing her success, I run after her and stand next to one of the shepherds.

Amanda: Great. You’re beginning to catch up and kind of walk past the point you are at the fountain.

Brandon: Which is the really evilest looking one?

Amanda: One of them has air pods and so I think it's that one.

Eric: Cool.

[Eric and Brandon chuckle]

Brandon: I sit next to that one.

Eric: I get up…I pick myself up, and you two are not around me anymore. Cause I fainted. So I’m going with my plan, which was where I was gonna find a picnic with illegal wine, and I was gonna pour it all over myself as my costume. So I'm a wine-soaked goat.

Amanda: There is a little reception area over by where the limos are pulling up with a table with kind of refreshments. There's like Purell, there's like face cleansing wipes, there's some q-tips, there's some tissues, and there are actually some small little glasses of wine. So, if you wanted to figure out a way to either knock those over, grab them…

Eric: [enthusiastically] Well It just so happens, my favorite thing to do is headbutting…

Amanda: Okay!

Eric: So I’m going to headbutt…run over to the table, and then roll around in the wine that’s on the ground.

Amanda:  Okay, please roll for that. Please roll 4 d6, because you're doing normal goat things and also the thing that you're good at.

[dice rolls]

Brandon: I did think that you meant Purell was a refreshment for a second, which was very confusing.

[Amanda and Lauren laugh]

Amanda: For some, Brandon, for some.

Eric: [chuckling] Okay, I only got one success.

Amanda: Okay. Well, luckily, the chaos pool is currently at 0, so you are able to headbutt the table, however only a trickle of wine comes off the side. So it looks more like you have been sort of tie dyed and less covered.

[Lauren laughs]

Eric (as Montgomery): I’ll takkke it! A costume is a costume, baby!

Lauren: I hear the noise of Montgomery crashing into the table, and I look over and I see the table. I think there might be goody bags over there. So I run over there.

Amanda: Okay! Another goat making for it. I think people are starting to look over. Not only is there a spill, but there are two goats….

Eric: [laughing enthusiastically] This game is my favorite!

Amanda: I'm gonna go ahead and add a die to the chaos pool.

Lauren: Okay. Do I see any goody bags?

Amanda: There are no goodie bags on the table no.

Lauren: [disappointed] Man!

Amanda: You have to make it to the end.

Lauren: Okay.

Eric (as Montgomery): Daisy, come roll around in this too!

Lauren: I run around and get my…my hooves covered in some wine.

Amanda: Yeah, Daisy you are low enough to the ground that just one roll would cover you completely if you want it to.

Lauren: Yes, I do one roll.

Amanda: Great.

Lauren: Yeah.

Amanda: So luckily for both of you, it is red and not white wine, and you are now…

[Eric and Lauren laugh]

A deep pink color, which actually quite resembles the red carpet. So, this will give you a little bit of help with your Stealth as you try to make it into the museum.

Lauren: Excellent.

Eric: Can I look back around for rosé?

Eric (as Montgomery): Because I’m a rosé goat.

Amanda: Cup, are you sticking with…with God's posse here?

Brandon: Oh, of course.

Amanda: Okay.

Brandon: This is evil eye, red eye goat with Gaga. That's the best…the best disguise I'm ever gonna come up with.

Amanda: Excellent.

Lauren: Has Gaga appeared yet? Or is it just her entourage?

Amanda: So she's actually in the middle of this entourage. And as you may know, in the 2019 Met Gala, she had four different costume changes.

Lauren: Yes.

Amanda: So we have to see in this Goat Party Gala, if she's going to, you know…

Lauren: What is she wearing right now?

Amanda: Right now you can’t actually see her and that is her first her first costume is…

Lauren: Mm…

Brandon: She’s invisible.

Amanda: Anticipation.

[everyone laughs]

So, she is in the middle there we think, but there is mostly just shepherds all on the outside of her. They are all on cell phones. It might be a metaphor?

And so then the group continues up into the Met Museum and everyone sort of like parts as they walk up. Everyone's like looking at their phones trying to tweet, trying to gram that picture. So everyone is actually kind of distracted. Are you going to try to walk into the museum?

Lauren: I want to run in between the legs of her posse using my smallness…

Amanda: Great.

Lauren: And sort of get next to Gaga. Ga-Ga.

Amanda: Wow, Do you do you…

Brandon: Who is that? Who is Gaga?

[Lauren laughs]

Eric: It’s Miss Ga-Ga to you.

Or herr-herr, herrr. Or maybe she was a goat! Because she went, beeahhh-beerarr-baee!

[Lauren laughs]

Eric (as Montgomery): [singing Gaga] I’m off the deep end!

Amanda: This pop culture reference will age EXTREMELY well!

Lauren: So well!

Amanda: Cast 2018.

Eric: Alright, never mind. Lauren, you had a really good action setup.

[everyone chuckles]

Amanda: But Daisy, do you see what Ga-Ga is wearing? Do you have a glimpse?

Lauren: I don't think I do if she's, you know, so surrounded, but I think I'm small enough to fit in between the legs of her entourage?

Amanda: Certainly, certainly.

Lauren: Yeah.

Amanda: Very good. And Montgomery, are you just kind of like rolling, rolling with it trying to blend into the carpet?

Eric: I think I'm just, yeah, I think I’m just walking it because I'm not small enough or fast enough to get in there. So I think I just need to take my chance on the red carpet.

Amanda: Alright, can all three of you please roll? Because it is sort of a risky thing to try to sneak in the museum here.

Lauren: Okay.

[dice rolling]

Amanda: Oh!

Brandon: Question! Are any of the people next to me, like dressed in grapes or like some sort of food item?

Amanda: Uh, they all have ankle bracelets made out of raisins.

Brandon: Okay. If I lick them…

Amanda: Again, metaphor.

Brandon: If I lick them as if, you know, that's what happened at a Bacchanalia, do I get more stuff?

Amanda: You sure do, you can roll 4 d6.

Lauren: I got three 4s.

Amanda: Ooh, three successes, very good.

Eric: I got two successes.

Amanda: Excellent.

Eric: Two for two.

[dice shaking and rolling]

Brandon: I Got two successes.

Amanda: Great. Well, the chaos pool did not have any successes, so you all make it into the Met Museum!

[everyone cheers]

Lauren: And I’m now next, to Ga-Ga?

Amanda: Yes.

Lauren: Okay.

Amanda: You are. You notice that she’s actually just in a purple tracksuit.

Lauren: [surprised] Oh!

Amanda: She has her headphones in, and she's bopping along. Actually, could you roll for me and see if you can see up to see what she's listening to on her phone?

Lauren: Yeah.

[dice roll]

One success.

Amanda: It's a podcast, but you can't tell what the title is.

[Lauren sighs]

Sorry. It's gonna haunt you forever.

[Eric and Brandon chuckle]

Lauren: Oh no!

Brandon: That’s too real Amanda, this is fantasy!

[Lauren and Amanda laugh heartily]

Eric: I do not like it!

Amanda: Excellent. Well, inside the Met museum if you know, it's like a big open airy marble lobby, there's often a very elaborate floral arrangement right on top of the entrance desk. Today it is wine and grape stuff of all kinds. So there are like the leaves of the grape vines. There are green vines actually all over the ceiling, making like a bower of vines, it’s very beautiful. And then there's grapes just ALL OVER. There's grapes on like every surface. Real grapes that you could…you could eat if you wanted to.

Brandon: What?

Amanda: Anyone distracted by these grapes.

Brandon: I’m a little distracted by these grapes.

Amanda: Yeah, mhm.

Lauren: I want to run on them, I want to crush them.

Eric: I would also like to eat them. But only, not because I have a thing about it, but I just kind of want to be involved with my cousins.

[Lauren giggles]

Brandon: I just want to taste them.

Amanda: Excellent, excellent.

Eric: [quietly] Just a…little taste. A little taste.

Amanda: Well, I’ll tell you some options available to you. So when you walk in, you can go straight ahead, up a grand staircase into an area of some paintings. To the left, there is a Greek Hall of sculpture and pottery. And to the right is the Egyptian wing with a lot of mummies. And helpfully they sort of themed these grapes to the art that's around.

So straight ahead, that's just straightforward. You go up more stairs, take some photos, that's where the dinner will eventually be. To the right, they're all raisins and they get more and more shriveled as you go in because it's Egyptian and it's very old art, ya get it?

[Brandon chuckles]

And then to the left there just luscious grapes and actually little cups of wine, just little Dixie cups, all over the place. Because this is where the Greek art is. This is a Greek themed Met Gala, so they have really festooned the area to the left.

[Eric grunts in understanding]

Amanda: Where would you like to go?

Ga-Ga is going to go sort of around to the staircase to the bathrooms back there to get her costume change on.

Lauren: Hmm.

Brandon: Part of my occultism is a belief that if I ingest art…

Amanda: Okay.

Brandon: I become art.

Amanda: Okay. So let's say that is true.

Brandon: I [chuckles] would like to eat some art. So I want to go into like the Greek, with it…is it just pottery or is there more stuff in there?

Amanda: It's statues, pottery, and then some jewelry in cases.

Brandon: I think if I eat enough statues, I'll become a better looking goat.

Amanda: Okay, okay.

Eric: Interesting. Bold play.

Amanda: Great. There's also a lot of paper artifacts back there. Maybe you smell paper?

[Brandon gasps in awe]

Smells a little bit like something you want to eat?

Brandon: Definitely.

Amanda: So, um…

Brandon: Any tin cans?

Amanda: There are some tin pottery, yes there is!

Brandon: [excitedly] Oh!!

Amanda: Excellent.

Lauren: Intriguing.

Amanda: Excellent! So, Cup, you're going to be walking over to the left. Where would the rest of you like to go?

Lauren: I…I’ve spent, you know, most of my life outside running around the hills. It's gotten a little bit boring. These stairs are very exciting to me.

Amanda: Great.

Lauren: And I'm intrigued to see if maybe this will bring back a little bit of my zest for life. So I really want to run up those stairs.

Amanda: Okay!

Lauren: Just clump all over them.

Amanda: Okay.

Eric: Where are the most amount of people going to be? Because I need to see and be seen.

Amanda: Yeah, so right now they're being held at the top of the stairs. There's like a bunch of painting galleries and they're gonna have cocktails in there. And then they'll be brought through the Egyptian wing to the Temple of Dendur, which is where the actual dinner is going to happen later in the night.

Eric: Oh, interesting.

Brandon: Is that, like, the actual Met area?

Amanda: Yeah.

Brandon: Is that what it’s called?

Amanda: It sure is.

Brandon: This is very good.

Amanda: Sure is. I have a floor map for the Museum of Art in front of me. So, If you really want to know, the dinner will be happening in gallery, excuse me [short pause] 131.

[Brandon laughs]

Lauren: This is all setting up for us to go and rob the Met later, right? That's what this leaning to?

Amanda: There's something…something secret going on that you don't really know about.

Eric: Mm. I think I want to try and go with everyone I want to see if my beloved Bilomena is around. So I'm going to go up the stairs with…with Daisy.

Amanda: Okay, so Montgomery and Daisy, you're going to start making way up the stairs. It too is sort of embowered in vines, with grapes hanging from the ceiling.

So you've heard three options here, you can run all the way up the stairs like just up the middle, all the people, all the photographers, all the folks.

You can run on the outsides of the stairs where the vines are anchored and kind of weave your way in between, behind, maybe climb the vines, whatever you want.

Or third, you can remember that there's an elevator and use that instead.

[Lauren chuckles]

Eric: Oh, interesting.

Lauren: I definitely want to weave through the vines because that sounds exciting.

Amanda: Cool.

Lauren: Yeah.

Amanda: Why don't you please roll four d6 for me since you’re using your smallness.

Lauren: [excitedly whispers] Excellent.

[dice shake and roll]

Oh! Three successes.

Amanda: Excellent. Eric, please give me four d6 since you are pursuing your aim and also doing a thing.

[dice shake and roll]

Eric: Okay. Three successes as well.

Amanda: Great, so you both are making great progress. We will leave you as you bob and weave your way up those stairs. Check in with you and your spiritual crisis, Lauren, in a few minutes.

Brandon let's follow Cup into the Greek sculpture wing. As you walk in, there are sculptures that are on pedestals about four feet high. And then if you peel off into the side rooms, there are glass cases with a bunch of artifacts in them like paper, like tin, like gold. There’s jewelry, there's some, you know, pottery. There's all kinds of stuff.

And then in the very back are some giant statues that are sitting on the floor that you could very easily lick at…little goat level.

Brandon: Part of my belief system is alchemy, for sure, because of the course…

Amanda: Okay.

Eric: [laughs] Hold on, I need to write down all the things that you’re talking about right now.

Brandon: I’m only inventing a religion as we go here. And it’s not great.

Eric: [chuckling throughout] If I eat art, I become art and alchemy equals…yes!

Brandon: [giggles] So I'm going to go up to the tastiest looking glass exhibit.

Amanda: What kind of mineral or, thing is tastiest for you?

Brandon: I’m looking for that high dollar stuff.

Amanda: Oh!

Brandon: That silver, that titanium, that gold, that, like, paper that's a billion years old? That's worth as much as gold. And I'm going to say a few words in Latin. Um…

Amanda: Lorem ipsum…

Well, luckily, just a few feet into this wing, there is a room immediately to your left with a lot of really pretty gold jewelry, and even some gold forks.

[Brandon makes sounds of interest]

You could eat gold with gold if you really wanted to.

Brandon: I’m going to eat the fork!

Amanda: Well, there is a glass case in your way. So…so what would you like to do?

Brandon: Yeah, I'm going to say a few Latin phrases.

Amanda: Yeah.

Brandon: Lorem ipsum, lorem ipsum, very good.

Amanda: Yep.

Brandon: And then I'm gonna headbutt that glass case…

Amanda: Okay!

Brandon: Break it open. Give me some of that gold!

Amanda: Would you please roll 4 d6 for me?

[dice roll]

Brandon: Three successes!

Amanda: Okay. You do actually make a crack in this glass case. I think one more headbutt would open it up. But! You also see someone from the shadows, in like a dark suit, not a black suit like the staffers, but like a like a very kind of dark gray suit, walk over to you. And they sort of have their eyes off to the distance, they’re not looking at you directly and they say…

Amanda (as Dark Suit Man): Oh, are you…are you one of us?

Brandon: Hm…

Amanda (as Dark Suit Man): How's the… how's the weather? How's the weather outside?

Brandon: I’m going to….

Eric: How severe are their bangs?

Amanda: No bangs, buzzcut.

Eric: Nice, nice, nice.

Amanda: Earpiece though. Not like the earpieces you saw with the sort of headset with a little mouth thing, Just the, sort of, secret service earpiece.

Brandon: Right. I am going to…take a chance here.

Amanda: Mhm.

Brandon: And just like tap twice with my hoof on the floor as if I'm signaling ‘Yes’.

[dice rolls]

Amanda: Okay. The man nods and says,

Amanda (as Dark Suit Man): Okay, very well. What is the new passphrase?

[Eric snorts, laughing]

What…What did you say before? I didn't hear this, dang earpiece. I don't know if yours is falling out too, but it's the worst.

Brandon: I’m going to…[chuckles] Fuck. I’m going to get found out immediately.

Amanda: You can say Lorem ipsum.

Brandon: I’m…that's true. I am going to go up to this man. I can't resist the temptation here. I'm going to both fix his earpiece for him, but by licking it, [slowly] pushing it back into his ear. As a gesture of goodwill.

Amanda: Two d6.

[dice rolls]

Brandon: [exhales] Uh, no successes.

[Lauren and Eric laugh]

Amanda: Okay. Adding to the chaos pool here.

Eric: If only! If only there was a way to communicate with this man!

[dice rolls while Eric speaks]

Wouldn’t you know Latin? If only there was a way to get through to him!

Brandon: My Latin is in bleats, it’s not in English!

[everyone chuckles]

Amanda: That’s true.

Lauren:  It’s goat Latin.

Eric: That’s a deep burn.

Brandon: No one can speak Latin!

[Lauren chuckles]

Amanda: Well, unfortunately, the chaos pool had two successes and you had none. So, the man recoils and looks down at you and sees in fact that you are a goat. And you see him try to touch his earpiece to send a message, but you've actually short circuited it with your lick. So, he is definitely suspicious and is going to try to come at you and grab you. So, uh…what would you like to do? Maybe run?

Brandon: Well…one, first thing, did that taste good? Good earpiece taste?

Amanda: No, I mean little salty, so maybe tasted good to a goat. But otherwise…

Lauren: How’d you even get up there? To his ear?

Amanda: Just a jump.

Brandon: Yeah, it’s a good jump.

Amanda: Goats love to jump.

Brandon: I think it’s too early to try to summon a demon to defend me.

[Lauren laughs]

So, yeah, I'm gonna I'm just gonna run away quickly.

Amanda: Okay, that's return to Montgomery and Daisy. You have made it halfway upstairs, lots of people again posing for pictures. Staffers hanging out with their iPhones, good guys. Exiting again, the shepherds are still around her, but you could see her more in the center. And she's dressed as one grape. She's actually in, like, a like a sort of like oompa-loompa style, Violet Beauregard purple bubble. And she's just walking like a hamster, out the front doors.

Eric: I turned to Daisy, and say,

Eric (as Montgomery):You know, it’s a critique of capitalism.

Lauren: I don't get it.

Eric (as Montgomery):I don’t think we’re supposed to.

[Lauren chuckles]

Amanda: Excellent. So you have actually made it to the top of the stairs, and you are able to continue forward into the American and European painting wing. Which is where people are having cocktails looking at, you know, Monet as you will...

Or you can peel off and walk around a mezzanine, that sort of circles the entire lobby. So you can look down on people entering, you can see a little bit into the Greek wing, you can see the flower arrangements. What would you like to do?

Eric: I think I want to go to the mezzanine to see what's going on. Because I don't think I've seen anyone whose net…net worth has exceeded 1 billion yet.

Amanda: Mhm, Okay, great.

Lauren: I want to go deeper into the party, you know, find sort of like, the end point to get a goodie bag.

Amanda: Excellent. So, uh…

Eric: [mischievously] The party has no end! It goes on forever.

[Lauren laughs]

It extends like the slow march of time.

Amanda: Like history. So, Daisy, you are entering forward into gallery 600, for those playing along at home with your Met floor map.

[Eric and Lauren laugh heartily]

Lots of people, there's sort of like a bunch of different squares of galleries. You can kind of go around in a circle. People are milling around. There are waiters with cups of wine.

And in the middle of this first room, is a table with little bags on it.

[Lauren mms in interest]

You're not quite sure what's in them. But people are grabbing them, looking inside, and smiling.

[Lauren gasps]

Brandon: Smaller goats!

[Lauren laughs]

Amanda: Small packs you hold in your mouth, actually, if you wanted to.

Lauren: I want to! I very much want to.

Amanda: Okay, great. So what’s your plan here?

Lauren: How far is the….you know what, I’m just going to run towards it. I'm just going towards it.

Amanda: Yeah, it's like 20 feet into the room, right in the middle of the room.

Lauren: Great.

Amanda: Any particular strategy here, or just like…like a bullet?

Lauren: I'm going to run around the edge of the room, you know, trying to sort of stay out of the…out of the way. And then sort of come in toward the table from the side.

Brandon: [chuckling] What’s more suspicious? A goat running directly toward the middle of a room or a goat running along the border of a room?

Eric: I like the goat doing the end-around.

Brandon: I’m like, alright, this goat knows!

Eric: This goat went to the University of Georgia to play running back!

[Lauren and Brandon chuckle]

Amanda: If you would please roll two d6 for me, let's see how you do.

[dice roll]

Amanda: You are small, but you are also not pink, so I think that negates the sneakiness factor.

Lauren: One success.

Amanda: Okay, one success. A couple of people sort of turn their heads after you pass them and look behind them, but they don't see you. So you are able to make it over to that table.

Problem is, is it’s a cocktail table. So, it's about five feet high. What would you like to do?

Lauren: Is there anything around it?

Amanda: There's a tablecloth.

Lauren: Okay,

Amanda: That you could pull.

Lauren: Yep.

Amanda: There are a couple of people sitting down on benches, not quite nearby. So you can’t step up on the bench and then up on the table. But you could if you wanted to, do like an imagine, like Spider Man going up like on the building?

Lauren: Parkour?

Amanda: Yeah, you could kind of parkour your way onto that table.

Lauren: Okay, I'm going to go under the table.

Amanda: Yep.

Lauren: And with my teeth, grab the tablecloth from the inside of the table and yank it down.

Amanda: Oh, very good, very good. Two d6 please.

[dice roll]

Lauren: Two successes!

Amanda: Woooo. Let's see what chaos has to say.

[dice roll]

Also two successes.

Lauren: Woo…

So, unfortunately, because my successes cancel out your successes, things are going to go a little bit south. And when you pull on that tablecloth instead of just like one or two of the bags falling down. The whole table actually tips over. It wasn't very well set up. So the table tips over, the tablecloth goes with it. And people look over to see a tipped over table and then where the table used to be a small pink goat.

[Eric giggles]

Amanda: We're adding a die to the chaos pool here.

Eric: Oh yeah?

Brandon: Now, what if you just pose, like…like that was intentional? Like that was part of the…

Lauren: Well yeah, I'm gonna…Is there anybody wearing pink around me?

Amanda: Uh, there is someone wearing pink and she's actually the first person to clap.

Lauren: Great!

Amanda: And runs over and tries to grab you. It's Kristen Bell.

[Lauren gasps in excitement]

And she is extraordinarily excited by tiny animals, much like a sloth.

Lauren: This could not be going better.

[Brandon laughing]

Amanda: Yeah.

Lauren: She tries to grab me?

Amanda: Yes, she tries to grab you.

Lauren: I happily go into her arms.

Amanda: Yep. So she is going to cry. Dax Shepherd Is there.

[Everyone laughing]

[enunciating with enthusiasm] She is taking a video on Instagram of herself laughing and crying and grabbing it and yelling and seeing if Ellen is hidden somewhere, having set up the surprise for her!

And she is just nuzzling you.

Lauren: I nuzzle back!

Amanda: Well, she's going to be carrying you around for the whole party. Um…

Lauren: Hm…

Amanda: Unless things change a little bit. So why don't we check in with our friend, Cup?

Brandon: It me!

Amanda: Where are you running Cup?

Brandon: So can I smell any cake? Any flour? Any baked good? Or is there anyone with like a very tall chef's hat I see?

Amanda: Mhm.

Brandon: I'm running through all these exhibits…

[Eric chuckles]

Amanda: Well, you sure do. There was just a plume of this wonderful like puffed pastry smell…?

Brandon: Mm.

Amanda: That came from the top of the stairs. You heard a loud crash, whatever, but then there was a plume of puffed pastry. So that is where the best smell accessible to you right now is.

Brandon: I’m going to immediately go that way.

Amanda: Great. Up the same stairs as before…are you going to run up the middle? Are you going to run up the vines? Sort of like on the side of the stairs? There is also an elevator if you're able to figure out how elevators work and reach the button.

[Lauren and Eric giggle]

Brandon: Is there anyone still on the stairs? Or is it just an empty staircase?

Amanda: It has started to mellow out a little bit, so most of the people have arrived. The top gallery is extremely crowded. People are trying to now see what Kristen Bell is carrying and take selfies with not just her, but her goat. She has a pink power suit, by the way.

Lauren: So amazing.

Amanda: And the staff are beginning to filter down the stairs into the Egyptian wing where dinner is going to be served, so pretty empty actually.

Brandon: Is there anyone who's like in a…costume that's like demon-esque? Or like, god-esque or anything that would look like they could have a goat next to them?

Amanda: Yes! There is someone who is actually dressed like Satan.

Brandon: Convenient.

Amanda: Yes.

Eric: Someone did not understand the theme.

Brandon: MY LORD!!!

[everyone chuckles]

Amanda: They are ethereal. They are willowy. They are extremely tall but seem not to have any kind of platform shoe on. They have a cape behind them, that is netted out of what seems like darkness itself. And when you kind of run alongside them and turn around you see it’s Tilda Swinton?

Lauren: I was about to ask, is it Tilda Swinton?

Amanda: It sure is!

Eric: I was hoping it wasn't Jared Leto, and you DID NOT disappoint.

Amanda: Yeah, dressed so convincingly, like some people are actually getting out of the way because it's extremely scary.

Brandon: Okay! Well, I immediately think it is Satan.

Amanda: Yep.

Brandon: And so I do worship them. I immediately bolt up to them. And I lick their feet, and try to get them clean, and I bleat at them.

Amanda: Uh huh.

Brandon: And I, wait for instruction. I'm actually, you know, maybe hopefully like licking their feet will make them go up the stairs and then I can follow them?

Amanda: Okay, Tilda Swinton as Satan crouches down, looks deep in your eyes…

[Brandon makes a short bleating sound]

With one little finger under your goat chin. And then touches her forehead to yours. Continues up the stairs.

Brandon: Do I receive a divine message?

Amanda: What do you glean from the depths of her eyes?

Eric: [laughing] It’s like Cup got an email in his brain. It goes, ‘ding, ding!’

[Lauren and Amanda chuckle]

Amanda: What message do you take from Tilda, as Satan, your overlord?

Brandon: Well, as our foreheads come together, I hopefully mindmeld, and I ask the question, ‘Where's the cake?’. Do I receive a response?

Amanda: Why don’t you roll four d6, please?

[dice roll]

Brandon: Three successes.

Amanda: I also got three successes. Unfortunately, this situation is going south. Tilda is straightening up, looks back down at you again and senses somehow that you are not fully devoted to the dark.

[Eric chuckles]

Brandon: [exclaims] OH NO!!!

[Eric continues laughing]

Amanda: So, she turns around trying to signal for somebody to come figure out why this goat is here. But everybody is so scared that they have in fact run away from her. So, she sort of like peels off and tries to like float.

Again! You are not sure her feet are touching the ground at all, tries to float off to find somebody leaving the stairs actually, free for your escape. She is, however, trying to alert somebody that goats are here.

Brandon: Yeah, I take the opportunity. Like, obviously, she would have a goat maybe as a prop and then maybe the goat got scared so maybe the goat runs away in fear and runs up the stairs!

Amanda: Okay, in fact you do. And you run into the first room right off the top of the stairs. Where Daisy has upended a table filled of little tiny pastry bags, so they are not the gift bags. They are gift bags filled with little pastries, because on your walk from the gallery down to dinner, people don't want you to get hungry. And so they have little tiny bags that look like little wine baskets. Little, you know, grape baskets for the harvest filled with little tiny pastries. So as you assess the situation, overwhelmed by just so many sense of pastries, and may or may not notice Daisy in the arms of America's hero Kristen Bell, we check back in with Montgomery.

So Montgomery, you are in a mezzanine. Conveniently, the railings are sort of like a fence railing, so you can see in between them. It's not like a solid marble wall. So you look into the lobby where you see people walking into the dining wing via the Egyptian wing. You see staffers going off into the back, kinda to deal with catering and logistics. People are starting to, you know, cease the flow in from outside. And you see your new companion, Heathcliff, running across the lobby communing with Tilda Swinton somehow and then running up the stairs.

Eric (as Montgomery): [pensively] Some people have all the luck…

[Lauren chuckles]

I hope I’ll find my beloved someday, maybe someone who has investments in both stocks and bonds and be able to take care of me and my old good age and I'll be able to reclaim…

Brandon: My old goat age of 4?

[Lauren giggles]

Eric (as Montgomery): Maybe want to turn 5, maybe 6? Go out to pasture?

Amanda: Mhm.

Eric (as Montgomery):And I'll be able to reclaim the Abernathy name. If only somebody would walk in the door, [short pause, as if summoning] NOW.

Amanda: Michael Bloomberg walks in.

[Eric laughs with gusto]

Don’t know if he’s your type, but he is a billionaire and you know that where one billionaire is, other billionaires follow. So, he is walking directly into the Egyptian wing. No time for cocktails and canapé …..as Mr. Bloomberg, no he does not. So he is walking through the Egyptian wing, past the mummies, and you see him make a left hand turn where dinner is going to be.

Eric: [laughs] Like a murder of billionaires.

Amanda: Okay.

Eric: I'm gonna go follow.

Eric: [intriguingly] Get it? Get it?!? Capitalism is a murder!!

Uh…I’m gonna…I’m going to run down the stairs and try to tail after former Mayor Bloomberg.

Amanda: Please roll two d6 for me.

[dice roll]

Eric: Okay, you know, I need this.

Amanda: Okay.

Eric: And to get in with a good crowd, I need I think that everyone else has had fun messing with celebrities and I think that I need to harness the chaos that has happened. So, while Kristen Bell is holding Daisy up in the air and while Tilda Swinton is communing with the satanic goat, I'm gonna take the chaos dice and I'm gonna roll them.

Amanda: Great.

Eric: So I got six d6.

Amanda: So you are partying hard.

Lauren: Yeah!

Amanda: You take the chaos for yourself!

Brandon: [chanting] Party hard! Party hard! Party hard!

[dice roll]

Eric (as Montgomery):I am chaos incarnate!

[Eric laughs in reaction to roll]

Amanda: There are three successes.

Eric: Three successes.

Amanda: Unopposed, no failures. So things go swimmingly well, tell me what happens.

Eric: Okay, so I think that I bound down the stairs, and I think everybody's too busy taking photos of Daisy or of Tilda…

Amanda: Oh no, there’s no photos of Tilda. You just take one and it’s just all black.

[Lauren laughs]

Eric: People keep trying  hard-resetting their phones, so they don't see me run by and as I'll dash through the mummy way.

Amanda: Okay, great. Well, you are able to stay right on the heels of a former Mayor Michael Bloomberg. And you walk with him into the Temple of Dendur. It's a beautiful open room, might have seen in the hit film Ocean’s 8. There are…there is a glass, skylights…

Brandon: Is that the one with the goats?

Amanda: That’s the other one.

Brandon: Gotcha.

Eric: That’s the one with Awkwafina in it.

Amanda: No goats, does have Rihanna.

[Eric and Brandon lightly laugh]

There are beautiful banquet tables set up. There is an altar of gift bags set up in the back of the room on the actual altar of the Temple of Dendur. Beautiful lighting. There’s servers setting up and a few people are beginning to make their way in. This is kind of like preboarding on an airplane where the billionaire's get to go in first. So, Bloomberg is there talking, actually, to a member of the Tartar family. You can tell because she's wearing tartan.

Eric: Of course.

[Lauren laughs]

That’s a good pun!

Amanda: You can’t tell if it is her family colors or if it is a play on a picnic blanket.

Eric: Sure. And also all the Tartars look exactly the same. They all have the same color hair, which is white! And they all dress the same which is in all white.

Amanda: Okay.

Eric: And they all have the same shoes, which are Nike Air Maxes.

Amanda: Okay.

Eric: Black on black surprisingly. Um, so I don't know which member of the Tartar family this is. Can I get a better look?

Amanda: You can. So the way this is laid out, is when you walk into the room, right in front of you, there is like a beautiful kind of water feature, resembling a river. You have to go all the way around the left to go up some stairs into the main area of the room.

Or, you can if you wish, do a kind of like little puddle jumping situation because there are rocks in the water feature, and you could jump across it and right up onto the…the dining area if you wanted to.

Eric: If only! If only my heart desired, and I did, in fact, want to do that. [whispers] I wish I could do something else. Yeah, I think I'm going to do that.

That sounds good.

Amanda: Okay.

Eric: It's not my forte but I think that jumping from thing to thing is definitely something I can do as a goat.

Amanda: Great, please roll four d6.

Eric (as Montgomery): Cuz I'm pursuing my true love! And by love, I mean mutual bonds!

[dice roll, Lauren and Amanda chuckle in response]

Eric: Two successes.

Amanda: Okay, well this is quite conspicuous. So, I'm going to add one die back into the chaos pool for your colleagues, but in this case,  you make it across. You are able to jump onto the area where all the tables are, quite near to where Anne Hathaway famously almost barfed on the table if you remember the hit film, Ocean’s 8.

[Lauren chuckles]

Brandon: That is the one with the goats? 

Amanda: That is the one with Cate Blanchett wearing a lot of gay tuxes.

Brandon: Right.

Amanda: Yeah, mhm.

Eric: So wait, is that the one with Eugene Levy and the goats?

Amanda: Uh, no. That was actually Brad Pitt. People confuse him for a goat all the time.

[Brandon and Lauren laugh]

Similar hairstyle. Uh, so you make it up on the dais, and you see it is Bilomena! Oh my goodness! Your true love is right there next to Daisy’s true love…the gift bag.

[Eric guffaws]

Surrounded by Heathcliff ‘Cup’ Cupcake III’s true love…stuff to lick!

[Brandon gasps in response]

Lauren: Oh my goodness. The treasure trove!

Brandon: [giddy] And everything is lickable!

Amanda: Sure, sure.

Eric: I feel like this is the point in like a 2010s romantic comedy when Lizzo starts playing.

Amanda: Yeah, definitely, to be reprised later in the credits.

Eric: Exactly! Cuz I'm 100% that goat.

Amanda: You sure are.

[everyone laughs]

You sure are. Speaking of which, your colleagues, your partners in crime, upstairs are actually moving toward you, as the museum staff ushers everybody into the dining room. They send Ms. Kristen Bell with Dax Shepherd somewhere behind her, less important, follow…you know they have her go into the dining room first since where she goes with the goat in her arms, people will follow.

So Daisy, you have escaped suspicion and that people think you're supposed to be there. But you are currently in Kristen Bell’s arms forever and ever-Amen. What is your plan here to get out?

Lauren: And now we are in the dining hall? So I've completely missed the little goody bags and the cocktail hour? 

Amanda: So Kristen has one over her wrist, so…

Lauren: She does?!

Amanda: It fills… it’s not a goody bag. It is just a little kind of appetizer basket. So it's filled with pastries and Cup, you were also able to either eat a couple pastries or lick a lot of them? But you have that opportunity.

Brandon: That's the hardest choice!

Amanda: Yeah. Which…which one are you going to go with? With your heart?

Brandon: Oh, well, I've got it. I gotta save room for the cake.

Amanda: Yep.

Brandon: So I'm gonna do a bunch of licks.

Amanda: Okay, great.

Lauren: See, I want as many goody bags…bags with things in them as possible.

Amanda: Yeah, that’s true.

Lauren: I wanna, I want to get this bag off of Kristen Bell’s arm.

Amanda: Okay.

Lauren: I'm still in her arm, so I'm gonna kind of like snuggle in closer to her and like nuzzle my head…

Amanda: She loves it, she's crying.

Lauren: Oh!

Amanda: Makeup is gone.

Lauren: I'm hoping that that you know, the tears will blur her eyesight so she can't really see what I'm doing.

Amanda: I think that’s fair, I think that’s fair.

Eric: She never had any makeup, it was never there.

[Brandon chuckles]

Lauren: She's looks like that. And I'm going to nuzzle my head against her arm and try to like, put my small little neck through the loop of the basket, and get it around my neck.

Amanda: Smart! If you would please roll four d6, since you are pursuing your dream.

[dice roll]

Lauren: Two successes.

Amanda: Okay, well, that goes against the chaos pool’s one failure…

Lauren: [quietly] Yessss!

Amanda: So you are able to get that goodie bag over your neck.

Lauren: Oh, finally!

Amanda: Kristen actually pauses about to walk into the Temple of Dendur’s room is because she realized that she has to go touch up her makeup and also to finish posting to Instagram. Um, so, she pauses a little bit next to a long table with some canapés on it. People are kind of talking and milling around, she’s a little bit confused. If you want to jump, this would be a good time.

Lauren: Yes. I'm going to jump out of her arms and scurry underneath the table so I can hide and enjoy my goodie bag.

Amanda: Awesome, Cup, you are standing right next to the overturned table. Daisy is up in Kristen's arms. People are milling around, looking at her, trying to get in some pets and the goody bags are all over the floor, pastries are underfoot. And people are really quite distracted.

Brandon: Cool. Yeah, I lick a pastry, I lick a foot. I lick a pastry, I lick a foot.

[Lauren giggles]

Amanda: Okay, If you could please roll two d6 for me.

[dice roll]

Brandon: One success.

Amanda: Great! Chaos pool did not reign supreme here. So you are able to get in a few good licks. And then you see that Kristen with Daisy in her arms, begins to walk away. The staff are sort of ushering everybody downstairs to the Temple of Dendur for dinner. What would you like to do?

Brandon: Do I smell or see any cake?

Amanda: There is! I'm not sure how good your nose is, but there is a whiff of cake that’s coming from down in the dinner area. Because the cake has been set up downstairs and as dinner is being served they want to like, you know, look at it. Take a bunch of photos…looks exactly like a pile of grapes. Looks like that's Fruit of the Loom guy. Like gigantic grapes!! I don't know why they did it that way. But they're all spherical cakes.

And Ga-Ga is actually a little bit upset because they look just like her second costume.

Lauren: Oh no!

Eric: BuzzFeed article, BuzzFeed article the next day. It’s not good. Is this photo Lady Ga-Ga or a cake of grapes?

[Lauren and Amanda laugh quietly]

It’s both!

Brandon: Okay, here’s what…

Lauren: She's in the cake! It’s her third costume!

Eric: She is the cake!

Brandon: Here’s what I’m going to do. So, there was a tablecloth on the table, right?

Amanda: There was, yes. Now it's kind of crumpled next to the pile of small bags.

Brandon: Perfect. So I'm going to go up to the tablecloth. I'm going to chew a little hole through it.

Amanda: Okay.

Brandon: A big enough hole for my head.

Amanda: Yep.

Brandon: And I’m going to put it over my head.

Amanda: Great.

Brandon: And then I'm going to walk confidently into the dining hall…

[Lauren laughs]

And amble up to the pile of grapes and sit next to it as if planted there, as if part of the design

Amanda: Okay this is incredibly conspicuous…

[Lauren and Eric laugh]

So I’m adding a second die to the chaos pool. Please roll four d6 since you are pursuing your goal.

Brandon: Now If I pray to my Lord as I do so, can I do six d6?

Amanda: [hesitantly] You can do that…

Brandon: Tilda Swinton?

Amanda: You are going to though, blow up your spot. So I think this will qualify as partying hard if you want to like party the hardest, aka communing with your satanic overlord, you may.

Brandon: I do want to do that. I do want to pray to Tilda Swinton, to give me safe passage into the promised land.

[Eric chuckles]


Amanda: So you're able to roll six d6 plus the two that were in the chaos pool.

[dice roll]

Eric: [chanting] Eight d6! Eight d6! Eight d6!

[Hear scraping of some die]

Brandon: Four successes.

Amanda: Oh, so exciting! Folks. somehow think that this is indeed an art piece, this is some kind of metaphor for temptation or something… or letting yourself go. Maybe it's a discarded tunic from somebody who decided just to really just roll with the Bacchanalia theme here. Lot of skin, by the way. A lot of skin at the Met Gala.

So you make it successfully into the Temple of Dendur. You were able to go up onto the sort of dais area next to where the Temple begins. And the cake and the gift bags are actually on either side of the archway leading into the Temple, as a sort of dual like end of the night, little reward there.

Eric: As Cup walks by, he runs by Jay Z, and he's like,

Eric (as Jay-Z): Haha, it’s a metaphor! Oh…F!

Eric: That was for me. I just wanted to…

[Amanda and Lauren laugh]

I just needed a little bit.

Amanda: Okay, okay.

Brandon: Now, I’m no goat fool. So I'm not gonna just start eating this cake.

Amanda: Yep.

Brandon: We gotta wait.

Amanda: Okay.

Brandon: So I'm going to thank my Lord Tilda Swinton, sit down next to the cake, lay my head down and also pray for the courage to not eat the cake.

Amanda: Yep.

Brandon: Until the opportune moment.

Amanda: That's excellent. A lot of self-control there. I really appreciate it.

Eric: Can I meet up with Cup?

Amanda: Uh, you sure can. Because you notice suddenly that everybody's attention is somewhere else? And you look and sort of at the very front corner of the room, Anna Wintour is standing up and beginning to give and address a toast, thanking everybody for coming, This ostensibly for charity?

Eric: She says that too, which is...

Brandon: Weird? And she waits every time she says it, which is weird.

Eric: But it’s behind her sunglasses, so you don’t even know.

Amanda: Yeah, and I think now you all understand why she wears sunglasses so often because every light in the room including people's flashlights on their phones, turns to her. So the rest of the room is quite dark, giving you good cover to run, if you want, under the tables through people's feet over to where the rest of the group is.

Eric: Yeah, I'm a little jealous. I see Belomina spending too much time talking to a former Mayor Michael Bloomberg, and I get jealous. So I just want to do like a…like a drive by headbutt to former Mayor, former Mayor and noted centrist Michael Bloomberg. [chuckling] Is that okay?

Amanda: Yes.

Eric: Okay, cool.

[dice roll]

Amanda: Please, four d6.

Eric: I got two successes.

Amanda: Great. you succeed. Where do you headbutt him?

Eric: Just in the shins.

Amanda: Okay.

Eric: He's rather small and he's a frail Jewish man.

Amanda: He is.

[Lauren laughs]

Eric: Yeah, I nailed him.

Amanda: I’m not sure if Judaism is relevant to this, uh, moment. But yes.

Eric: [laughing] Listen, I'm sharing the three things people know about noted centrist and former Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

Amanda: It’s true. He also sometimes takes the subway.

Eric: [still laughing] He has! He invented the Bloomberg Terminal.

Amanda: So you are able, in fact, to headbutt Michael Bloomberg. He says “Ow!” and Anna Wintour, you feel her eyes actually like laser beams FOCUS on former Mayor Michael Bloomberg who though his net worth is larger than hers, his social stature is not! So everyone kind of like looks over and grumbles and then turn their attention back to Anna. So, this is some seismic social waves have just occurred here.

Eric: Ha! Everyone grumbles like [quietly], Former Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

Brandon: Noted centrist, noted centrist!

Eric: Oh man. I heard that if there are no good Democrats running he's just gonna run on an independent ticket. That’s what I heard.

Amanda: Bilomena though, giggles a little bit.

[Eric gasps]

And only because you're right next to her do you hear it? But she does do a little chortle. she appreciates a good physical gag. And then she like everybody…

Eric: [guffaws] Noted physical comedy fan.

Lauren and Amanda together: Philomena Tartar.

Amanda: Yes, and then turns her attention back to Anna. So you're able to run over to the cake and the goody bags, it is quiet back here, it is a little bit darker. Everyone is sort of across the dais  from you. So, what would the three of you like to do?

Lauren: I am still under a different table, correct? Not under the…

Amanda: You are, you are at the entrance to this room under a sort of sideboard of canapes on it. Is this the moment that you would like to run toward the gift bags?

Lauren: Yeah. So I think I've had my head in the little goodie basket around my neck, like, you know, feeding bag? And I’ve just been eating all these pastries.

Amanda: Excellent.

Lauren: And now…

Amanda and Brandon together: The dream!

Lauren: I've reached the end of the goody bag, and I want more, and I look up. And I finally see this table.

[Amanda gasps]

And I know it's Cup sitting there. And so I'm going to…I'm going to run over and I'm going to take the cover of darkness and the fact that I am little, and just…just run as fast as I possibly can to underneath the gift table, kind of like a cover to cover type thing.

Amanda: Great. You're able to do that. And actually, as you leave that sideboard area, you hear somebody else whispering,

Amanda (as Whispering Voice): Oh, is that…is that the best offer you can make? Really? That's really what you're going to come in here with?! [semi-agitated] Really man?!

Amanda: You see these two men whispering to each other. One of them is a man in a gray suit with an earpiece. The other one is in a navy suit. And they are whispering furiously to each other as Anna Wintour is speaking in the other room. So you don't necessarily need to talk to them. But you notice that as soon as you walk out.

Lauren: Yeah, Lauren is intrigued, but Daisy is focused. She wants the goody bag.

Eric: Lauren needs to blow up these two men’s spot but Daisy has more important things on her mind.

Lauren: She needs some goodies!

Amanda: Great. So you are going to go to under the gift bag table?

Lauren: Yes.

Amanda: Awesome, Cup. You're under cake table.

Brandon: I was very protective. I did not know which direction she was coming towards. So I did get very scared for a second.

Amanda: Okay. Are you all right now though?

Brandon: Yes, I'm okay.

Amanda: Did you bleat out of fear at all?

Brandon: No.

Amanda: Okay.

Brandon: I'm very stoic under pressure.

[Lauren chuckles]

Eric: He was about to open his mouth, Montgomery puts a hoof over his mouth.

[Lauren continues laughing]

Brandon: And then faints.

Eric: No, I’ve been holding it, he has not been excited yet. I'm holding it together.

Amanda: So Montgomery, you are also underneath the cake table?

Eric: Yes, I'm with Cup.

Brandon: I squint my eyes at them, and I’m like if you even try, either of you.

Eric (as Montgomery): Oh, oh, dear boy. I've already found the object of my affection. And I'll tell you one thing…I'll tell you one thing. It's not former Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

Lauren: Unless those cakes are filled with more cakes, I don't care. I want a thing that has more things inside of it.

Eric: [laughing] You don’t even know what’s in it, it’s just the…

Lauren: It’s the construct!

Eric: The idea of a goody bag. You get to have fun!? And then there’s this thing that has all of these things in it? You get to take that home with you!

Lauren: Yeah!

Eric: It’s great!

Lauren: [escalating in pitch] And I want ALL OF THEM. I don’t care, I WANT ALL OF THEM.

Amanda: Are able to resist this temptation Daisy? Are you going to grab a gift bag off of the table?

Lauren: My plan is to go from under one table to under another table. But I think as I approach the goody bag table, I just get so excited. And I'm running so fast that I'm rediscovering my love for running.

Amanda: So small!

Lauren: I'm so small and my legs are moving. They're so tiny!

Amanda: So quick!

Lauren: And I just I want to jump to the on top of the table and just try to leap over it and grab one of the bags as I go with my teeth.

Amanda: A little swan dive.

Lauren: A little swan dive right over it. Just so I can get behind the table and get a little investigation going on about what's in this goody bag. So I can see how many I want.

Amanda: Gotcha. So just reconnaissance here not any grabbing?

Lauren: Just reconnaissance, but I want to pull one as I do that, because I want to take all the goody bags and I want to make sure it's worth it.

Amanda: Yeah, very important.

Lauren: And also to see how heavy they are.

Amanda: Good. Please roll four d6 for me since you are pursuing your highest goal.

[dice roll]

Lauren: Two successes.

Amanda: Okay, excellent. Let’s see, chaos pool…

[dice roll]

Doesn't have any successes for me. So, you are able to succeed. You elegantly, and so tinyly, jump over that table. And you observe that most of the gift bags have this little white kind of paper on top. You see some designer lipstick, they have iPads, there is a voucher for a drone?

Lauren: Hm…

Eric: It’s handwritten from Elon Musk too.

[Lauren laughing]

It’s says, ‘One drone, on me. Love Elon’.

Lauren: Must be my friend to receive.

Amanda: But in one of them, you see a vial of this very glowy green neon substance…

Lauren: Mm

Amanda: In like a glass vial just in a gift bag. And it's sort of like three or four rows in, like it's not on the edge. But it's in there and you grab one next to it so you grab a normal gift bag people go through. But you also see this really very scary and toxic looking substance.

Lauren: Okay, well I eat the paper from the gift bag that I got.

Amanda: Smart.

Lauren: Some normal snacky.

Amanda: Good start.

Lauren: Um, I love to eat things!

Brandon (as Cup): [gruffly] Hey! Hey! Heyy! Gimme that!

Eric: You don't know where everyone is eating at all times!

Brandon (as Cup): [still gruffly] I smell it!

Amanda: He can see her.

Lauren: It’s not part of your powers. Um…

Brandon (as Cup): I'll curse you so hard!!

Eric: [chuckling] Is that the voice? Is that the character voice?

Brandon: I guess?

Eric: I like it. It's good.

Lauren: I want the special vial. So I'm gonna, I'm going to try to hop back up on the table and like hide behind one of the bags so I can get…get to it.

Amanda: Okay, I think you can do that since you know the layout of it so far.

Lauren: Cool.

Amanda: And then actually Cup and Montgomery, because you're closer to the entrance to the room, you see those two men in suits start to kind of prowling around, they're trying to like walk over to the Temple. They're sort of like looking between the tables. One of them starts eyeing the cake. They don't notice you since they’re very focused. But you see that they're clearly looking for something and they're starting to get agitated.

You hear only one side of the conversation as one of them is in his earpiece and he's like…

Amanda (as Man in Suit #1): Yeah, we made these changes, we gave them money!

Amanda (as Man in Suit #2): I don't know where this is, but if they're lying, then we're just gonna have to open…

Amanda (as Man in Suit #1): We’re just going to have to declare war!!

Eric: I don't like that. I think I need to cause a distraction. I say…

Eric (as Montgomery): Cup, do you trust me?

Brandon (as Cup): Literally not at all.

[Lauren chuckles]

Eric (as Montgomery): Well, then I guess it's gonna be okay if I do this!

Eric: And I want to headbutt one of the legs of the table that's holding the giant grape cake, and I want it to come down.

Brandon: I understand what he's doing, and I position myself to just receive the cake.

[Lauren giggles]

Amanda: Okay, let's all roll here. Eric please roll four d6 for using your skill. And Brandon four d6 as well for trying to pursue your goal.

[dice roll]

Eric: Fuck!

Brandon: I got three successes.

Eric: [chuckles] I got one success.

Amanda: Chaos got none. So, this goes off swimmingly. Cup, you actually catch some of the cake in your mouth.

Brandon: Does it just overflow upon me?

Amanda: Uh, it does. It does.

Brandon: Am I just drowning in cake?

Amanda: Exactly, exactly.

Eric: There’s a slomo, and it’s just like…

[Eric sings happy tune]

And it’s just like, coming at you.

Brandon: Yeah, 100%.

Amanda: Yeah and Montgomery you couldn't have asked for a better distraction, because as the cake comes tumbling down, right, it's almost like a like a big kind of pyramid of giant grape balls I described. But as they hit the ground, you realize that they are made of sugar. And they burst open with many smaller grape cakes inside!

[everyone gasps]

Like cake balls, like cake pop balls!

Lauren: [sounding overwhelmed] Oh my god…

Amanda: OF CAKE. Man, they are covered in a wonderful crunchy shell and they just, roll and roll and roll!

Brandon: In slow motion I look over and I say…

Brandon (as Cup): [groggily slow] Did you see this Daisy?!

Lauren (as Daisy): [groggily slow] Yesss!!

[Brandon and Eric sing happy tune]

Eric: It’s so much better when it’s a violin.

Amanda: [baffled] What are you singing?!

Brandon: It’s like, uh…

Eric: Concerto.

Amanda: That’s just a noun.

[Lauren laughs]

Eric: [to Brandon] You know what I’m talking about.

Amanda: And you actually notice one of the tables has Dwayne The Rock Johnson and Vin Diesel at it. And they both spring up, push over the chair and are about to flip the table, until they realize that they are not in fact on set and they are not able to do this.

[Lauren and Eric laughing]

Maybe they would in a different room, but right now Anna Wintour is still standing, so they…they even they do not attempt it.

Brandon: And then Jay-Z is like,

Brandon (as Jay-Z): It's a metaphor!

Eric: Oooph!

[Brandon and Eric chortle]

That’s exactly what happens.

Amanda: Excellent.

Lauren: I want to take advantage of the distraction and knock all of the gift bags off the table.

Amanda: I mean, yeah.

Lauren: So I'm gonna…I'm gonna…I'm gonna party hard.

Amanda: Okay!

Lauren: Now I'm just gonna run in like a zigzag along the table and just knocking them every which way!

Amanda: Great.

Lauren: So I can have access to them on the ground.

Brandon: You’re so small!

Amanda: Amazing!

Eric: Part cat.

Amanda: Excellent. Well, you can roll six d6, as well as the three that are here in my chaos pool.

Eric: I like that in Goat Party it’s like, ‘I want to knock…I want to knock over as many of these as possible’ and in D&D it’s like ‘You fell 90 feet, so roll nine d6, please.

[dice roll]

Lauren: Oh! Six successes.

Amanda: Wow! Amazing. So, you knock over every last one of those goodie bags. You have a mountain of goodie bags that you can jump down into and just cherry pick all that flavors of Chanel lipstick and different models of the iPad and get all rose gold if you want to hold a little pyramid of them!!

Brandon: iPad family!

Eric: You turn on one of the iPads and you set up an eBay account.

Lauren: Sell the other iPads on the eBay account.

Eric: Exactly!

Amanda: Which is a really nice improvement.

Lauren: Yeah!

Eric: Still no headphone jack though.

Amanda: And in this distraction, everybody turns around. They look between the cake and the gift bags when people start running for the gift bags because they want to make sure they get one before, you know, everything…everything goes to hell…

Brandon: Except for Kristen Bell, because she is elegant.

Eric: And crying.

Lauren: And fixing her makeup.

Amanda: You know, she is already live streaming on her own iPad. Instagram Live.

Eric: [laughing] She’s live streaming on an iPad?! She’s like a mom?

Amanda: She is a mom, yeah! And Dax Shephard is In the background just making like goofy bunny ears.

Eric: That’s good.

Amanda: And she’s like, stop that, Dax, I love you.

And also in this distraction, the green vial rolls out of the gift bag it was in, and toward the exit where these two men immediately run toward it and try to jump, both of them, for the vile. And this is obviously suspicious behavior. Something is glowing, and Vin Diesel and Dwayne the Rock Johnson can contain themselves no more, Anna Wintour spell broken, and they RUN to tackle these two men as well. So Dwayne The Rock Johnson and Vin Diesel are each pinning down these giant burly kinda bodyguard looking men and laughing at each other and saying ‘family’ while they do it.

[everyone laughs]

One has a Corona in their hand inexplicably.

Eric: I like the idea of the Met gala special ordered at least one Corona for Vin Diesel.

Amanda: Listen, Bacchanalia means something totally different than it does to you. And people actually excited because Bacchanalia is like, making chaos and having fun.

But then you lose sight of the green vial, Daisy, until you turn around and realize that standing on top of the Temple of Dendur, is Tilda Swinton as Satan, with the green vial in her hand.

Lauren: What?!

Amanda: She…

Brandon: [loudly declares] My Lord!! Bah!

[everyone laughs and chants Lorem ipsum]

Amanda: And then she makes a little silent gesture. Everybody silences, and she says,

Amanda (as Tilda Swinton): Not even Satan condones biological weapons…

[everyone laughing]

Who is responsible?! Who will be responsible?

Amanda: And then looks out over the crowd. And the Met security is running up, and Michael Bloomberg looking confusedly at his phone, um…

[Eric laughs]

Eric: Is Belomina okay?

Amanda: Belomina is laughing and texting. So you are able to run over if you want to make your move in the confusion.

Eric: I would love to.

Amanda: Alright, why don't you please roll four d6.

Eric: Okay, I want to run over and I want to grab one of the iPads. I assume that one of the iPads has like YouTube preloaded on it.

[Lauren laughs]

Amanda: It sure does.

Eric: So I will bleat out, Siri play, Beautiful Day by U2. As I go over to uh to Bilomena and I extend one hoof, as if I ask her to dance.

Amanda: And in goat back at you, from somewhere bleats Siri, ‘Playing Beautiful Day by U2’. And then it begins and Bilomena just looks down. Please roll and we'll see how she thinks this is going.

Eric: Okay.

Lauren: Is it U2? EWE ?

[Amanda gasps]

Eric: Listen, you didn’t know. But the edge? Actually a goat.

Amanda: Explains a lot.

Brandon: That’s why he can’t play guitar, it’s hooves.

Eric: [chuckles] I got one success.

Amanda: I also got one success in the chaos pool over here.

Eric, so Bilomena thinks this is incredibly charming, and she laughs and smiles and shakes her hoof. But she is not able to dance, because she dressed as her favorite instrument, a flute. The pan, the pan flute is very important in Bacchanalias. And she's actually unable to move her legs at all. She had two body men who had to carry her in to the dinner. So she's not able to dance, but she is thoroughly charmed, and she actually scribbles her phone number on a napkin that she then places at your feet.

Eric: I take it into my mouth and as soon as I taste it, and the romance pulsing through that note, I faint.

[everyone laughs]

I can’t deal with it, I pass out.

Amanda: Excellent. Excellent. In the meantime, you know Met security is there they are shutting down this biological weapon attack. Dwayne The Rock Johnson is talking about how he played a homeland security officer once in a movie, and just nodding approvingly to everybody doing their jobs. As he's giving support to a child on Instagram.

[Eric laughs heartily]

And honestly, everybody is laughing, disrupted, thinks that it's a part of the thing. Anna Wintour is accepting everybody's claps with a graceful nod. Tilda Swinton got down from the Temple and no one saw how. Everybody's filming and no one saw how. And you are just left to revel in the cake, to revel in the goody bags, and to revel in this budding romance with an heiress.

You're really having a Goat Party.

Brandon: I just…I just chew on some cake.

Brandon (as Cup): Pretty good party, pretty good party.

Eric (as Montgomery):Because you know what they say in the Abernathy family, ‘You never look a gift goat in the mouth’.

Lauren: Daisy looks up because she has some gifts in her mouth.

Amanda: Yeah!!!!

Eric: And the credits play.

Amanda: [enthusiastically] That’s the Goat Party, wow!!!

[everyone cheers]

Eric: Amanda, you did it! You Goat Mastered a game!

Lauren: Whoa. Such a good Goat Master!

Amanda: I was like, Great! Let's get to the plot. And then we were an hour in!

[everyone laughs]

Eric: Yup. Welcome to DMing.

Amanda: I think it’s how it goes. I think it’s how it goats.

[everyone acknowledges the pun]

And it’s all thanks to my players!

[theme music]

Amanda: Two weeks later, in the Met, a security guard is doing a sweep, and they come across in a bathroom. Open a stall door and make sure that you know there's no onlookers Beasley Frank Wyler, style, waiting install, and then out spills, just 4000 purple bouncy balls, which was Ga-Ga’s final costume. It's chaos, is the costume. It’s chaos. So for four or five years hence, in the Met, randomly  a child will pick up a little rubber bouncy ball. We're not quite sure when it will end. Because, you know…that’s chaos for you.

Eric: Some still say Ga-Ga still haunts the Met Gala.

[Lauren laughs]

Amanda: Some say, indeed.