To change the course of history, the party challenges the gods. This should go well for everyone. Inara revokes her membership. Tracey gets what he wants. Alonzo dances his heart out.
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Cast & Crew
- Dungeon Master: Eric Silver
- TR8c (Tracey): Brandon Grugle
- Inara Harthorn: Amanda McLoughlin
- Creative Contributors: Connor McLoughlin, Heddy Hunt, Julia Schifini
- Multitude: multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is a collaborative storytelling and roleplaying podcast. That means a group of friends create a story together, chapter by chapter, that everyone from seasoned players to true beginners can enjoy. Where else can you get adventure, intrigue, magic, drama, and lots of high fives all in one place? Right here.
After each episode we sit down for the Afterparty, where we break down our game and answer your questions about how to play Dungeons & Dragons and other roleplaying games at home. We also have the Punchbowl, an interview series with people pushing D&D forward creatively, communally and socially. It’s a party, and you’re invited! Find out more at jointhepartypod.com.
Transcript
Amanda: Last time on Join the Party…
Eric: They’re hanging off a cliff! Or getting exploded! One of the two!
Tracey tries to pull Chad, Captain Alex, and himself back from the side of a chasm, where a mind-controlled Brink had shattered the bridge. As Tracey hauls himself up, Captain Alex just can’t hold on in her elk form.
Eric: The hoof falls from your hand…
Brandon (as Tracey): [desperately] ALEX!!!!!
Eric: In the other room Inara fights off the tiny exploding warforged and gets back into the chasm room. She tries to help Brink keep control of her head and hold Tracey off from exploding Brink’s face off..
Eric (as Brink): I…I did something bad. Like, I, you shouldn’t be helping me. Why are you helping me?
Amanda (as Inara): Because I love you. And you’re also a liability alone, so we’re gonna-we’re gonna stick together for this one okay?
Eric: After regrouping, the party follows the path of the warforged blacksmith to an elevator that takes them to the top floor of the stronghold. The elevator stops in a chapel, where Alonzo is chained up in front of three statues of the Triumvirate gods.
As Tracey and Inara hack at the locks, the gods step forward in their true forms. They’re holding Alonzo captive because releasing him would cause too much disruption to the flow of the universe. But, Alonzo suggests that the party can challenge them to a series of trials for his release which the gods are obliged to compete in.
Amanda: Tracey and I exchange a loaded look, like…
Amanda (as Inara): Alonzo has never been this emotionally intelligent in his life. Kind of has made some real progress.
Eric (as Alonzo): Listen, hey…a lot of things have been happening to me lately guys.
Eric: We’re challenging gods! That’s where we are in the story. Let’s get the party started.
[theme music]
Eric: Tracey, Inara, and Alonzo. You are facing the human visages of the gods of the trinity.
[shadowy music plays]
D’var is wearing, like a seersucker suit. Like it’s very airy. He’s also wearing boat shoes with no socks. The, uh…
[Amanda stifles in disgust]
The, uh, the seersucker seems to be wrinkled, but intentionally? Like he’s managed to create every individual wrinkle in the suit to make sure it’s wrinkled just perfectly. His hair is coiffed back, as if there is a perpetual sea breeze just crunching it at all times.
Adamah is wearing the sleekest, shoulderpadiest 80s suit you’ve ever seen. It is like forest green with somehow, neon undertones?
[Brandon chuckles]
Amanda: It’s like an inverted triangle, like very well-tailored except for the shoulders which are very wide.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: If you try to look close enough, there’s like a um, uh…well actually, you know when you look at something and it’s like it’s a bunny, it’s a rabbit, and a duck at the same time?
[Amanda laughs, with Eric joining in]
Amanda: [still laughing] An optical illusion?
Eric: [chuckling heartily] Yeah, like an optical illusion, in her suit. It’s like a seeing eye poster?
Amanda: I hate it.
Eric: Like you can’t focus on what’s actually there.
Amanda: I hate it.
Eric: And her heels seem impossibly large for, uh, what she’s doing.
Amanda: Inara would be very into it if she hadn’t decided to hate her already.
Eric: That’s fair and she tried to barter for you as well.
Amanda: Yeah. I can kill her though.
Brandon: The limit for attraction is murder.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah. That’s true. If I kill her though, I mean, I will be taking her suit. And not...and not telling Brink where I got it, asking her to wear it…
Brandon: Good trophy.
Eric: Inara, Inara. Make an Investigation check.
Brandon: We just discovered something very dark about Inara.
[Eric and Brandon chuckle]
Eric: [still laughing] She takes one piece of dope clothing.
Brandon: And asks her girlfriend to wear it, like while they make out.
Amanda: [defensively] Not in a weird way, I think she would think it was neat!
Well I’ve got 23 motherfucker so tell me what I’m missing!
[Brandon chortles]
Eric: You can look at the seeing eye poster over her suit jacket. So you could take it if you wanted to.
Amanda: Thank you.
Eric: If that’s enough for you.
Amanda: Let’s see if my dope roll doesn’t give me any other Insights here.
[Eric and Brandon chuckle]
Eric: You’re not overwhelmed by the…[laughs] by the seeing eye poster. That’s pretty good!
Brandon: You see a duck in the suit.
Amanda: And a rabbit!
Eric: It’s a rabbit, a duck, and an old woman and a young woman!
Amanda: I start closing my left eye, and then my right eye, and then my left eye, and then my right eye…
[Eric laughs heartily, Amanda joins in]
Eric: She looks like a young woman, and then an old woman, and then a young woman again!
[Brandon chuckles]
Amanda: A cipher!
Eric: Her hair is also her forehead! Uh…[laughs] and Ze’ol looks like you saw him before but now he has a flat cap on…?
Brandon: Like a newsboy?
Eric: Yeah. But like, like he’s had it for five hundred years and he wears it for formal occasions. It’s like he’s the old man dressed up where like, Oh they’re just happy I’m here.
[Brandon laughs]
So he’s wearing like, his tweed jacket and his very very thread-bare khakis that you saw him in before, but now he has a nice newsboy cap on. And his eyes are as googly…as googly as ever.
Amanda: Don’t ask him about the hat because then he’ll tell you how they don’t make them like this anymore.
[Eric chuckles]
Brandon: Should we get serious as we are supposed to get spooky?
Amanda: We use humor as an adaptive device!!
Eric: [laughs] Listen, do whatever you want. The three gods have gained substantiated form in front of you so it’s fine. No challenging it.
Brandon: [scoffs] They’re just a joke, so it’s fine.
Eric: [laughs] Yeah, yeah, you’re right.
So Adamah takes a step forward and starts to sit down in midair and then a boardroom table just substantiates in front of her…
[shifting of table moving]
Amanda: [amazed] Wow…
Eric: She’s sitting down and is just like…
Eric (as Adamah): Okay. Here’s the deal. If the three of you beat us in challenges that we decide, we’ll let you go, and we’ll give you this medallion for your trouble. Otherwise, you can go and we keep the champion here where it is. Reality stays the same. How’s that sound?
Amanda (as Inara): Yeah…no. Leaving Alonzo behind. That’s not on the table.
Eric (as Adamah): What kind of a business woman would I be if I let you take the thing that I have?
Amanda (as Inara): And what kind of general would I be if I didn’t counteroffer and tell you that your prize will be me not killing you…if you win?
Eric (as Adamah): [exhales deeply] It seems that you misunderstand what’s happening here. We are the gods of creation, living and destruction. You’re not just tussling with a merchant out in the marketplace for you to get one more apple than your got before.
Brandon (as Tracey): [surprised] Oh!
Eric (as Adamah): I’m the god of deals here.
Brandon (as Tracey): Sorry, uh, I fell asleep. [ruffled] Inara…what’s-what’s happening?
Eric: Tracey, what’s your AC?
Brandon: 16.
Eric: D’var takes off his shoe and throws…throws it at you. But it goes wide left. But then you can see that he points down at his now bare foot, and another boat shoe comes back into existence.
Amanda: Wait…
Brandon (as Tracey): I think it was wet. I think that one was wet. Inara…?
[Amanda laughs lightly]
Eric (as D’var): It’s always wet. The power of the sea comes with me as well. I’m the god of creation and lounging and also...boats.
[everyone laughs]
Amanda (as Inara): Well…here’s the deal. The era of unthinking difference is over. You might have created the world, but you’ve never done shit for me. And I don’t recognize your authority.
So, we’re going to leave with Alonzo either way. And either you’re going to help us defeat the Council if we win, or we don’t win and I let you live.
Tracey that sound good to you?
Brandon (as Tracey): Sounds good to me. It’s like…it’s like they think they’re the only gods. Like, what?
Amanda (as Inara): Hm…sweet.
Eric: The three of them look around at you and be like, [whispering quietly] how does he…how did he…how does he know that?
[Eric whispers incoherently, growing quieter and quieter]
Adamah comes back from her god huddle and says,
Eric (as Adamah): Okay. Counteroffer. You can take the champion regardless, but only if he competes alongside one of our, one of our challenges. And the prize is the medallion. If you win, you take it. You lose, you’re off one your way.
[short pause]
Amanda (as Inara): Very well.
Brandon (as Tracey): Seems fair.
Eric (as Adamah): D’var, write it up.
Eric: And D’var…[chuckling] yawns because he wasn’t really paying attention and then three contracts poof into existence on the table.
Brandon (as Tracey): [agitated] We can’t just handshake to do this? Come on. Can we just move this forward?
Eric (as Adamah): Ordinarily, all my deals involve a twelve-hour lunch with at least one martini every thirty minutes. So this is the quick version.
Amanda: Can I roll Investigation as I review this contract to see if there is any hidden clauses?
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: Tracey signs it.
[dice roll]
Eric: [laughs] Alonzo also signs it.
[Brandon laughs]
Alonzo’s like,
Eric (as Alonzo): Do I have to do this in script, or…? Can I do it in print?
[Brandon continues laughing with Eric joining in]
Amanda: 21.
Eric: [continues laughing] Good. That’s what I assumed was going to happen. Um, with a 21 you’re thumbing through the contract and…
Amanda: Inara does read with her index finger, just making sure she hits them all.
Eric: [chuckles] That’s fair, uh, there’s an addendum and you have to flip to that and that goes to an index, and it goes to another addendum, and a fourth addendum, and it says…
In the event of any mortal competitors losing their lives or etcetera thereof, it is not the responsibility of the god of death to bring them back at all. It will have to live with said consequences.
Amanda: Inara shrugs.
Brandon: Is there like a force majeure clause in this? How does that work with gods?
Eric: There’s also an NDA below it…
[Brandon chuckles]
You might consider this to be a dream...
[Brandon continues laughing]
Also below that, it says, in the event that the gods lose the challenge, they are under no obligation to give up the said reward unless shook upon in the eternal sacred handshake.
Amanda (as Inara): So are you going to teach me the handshake, or…am I just going to sign this like an idiot?
Eric (as Adamah): What? What was that?
Amanda (as Inara): The handshake.
Eric (as Adamah): Ah…you read the addendum in the index under the other addendum, didn’t you?
Amanda (as Inara): I’m 20, not a child.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric (as Adamah): Okay…
Eric: Adamah puts her hand out to you, and then she does the hand jive.
Amanda: Inara has learned the hand jive in a tavern in her travels and does it. How does her hand feel? Does it feel mortal?
Eric: It just like, you were doing a firm handshake with a cloud.
Amanda: [laughs] Kinda slippery.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: So do the handshake, and then I just kinda smear my thumb with ink and press it on all three contracts.
Eric: Okay. Alonzo turns to Inara and says,
Eric (as Alonzo): So do I do it in script or print, or…? Tracey couldn’t-couldn’t tell me.
Amanda (as Inara): Just…just do an A bud.
Eric (as Alonzo): Okay.
Amanda (as Inara): They know who you are.
Eric (as Alonzo): Just a big A. Alright.
[sound of pressing of paper]
Brandon: Tracey slightly dips his face in ink and then put them on the contract.
Amanda: Oh no…
Eric: [laughing] I figured you were going to do that.
Eric (as Adamah): Okay…contracts are signed. So, it is up to the three of you to decide which of the three gods you are going to match up on. You can take a moment to decide, and uh….
Brandon (as Tracey): [quickly, surely] I call Ze’ol!!!
Amanda (as Inara): [confidently] Adamah. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
Eric (as Alonzo): I mean…uh, should I just take the uh god…that’s left?
Amanda (as Inara): Alonzo…
Amanda: I huddle the three of us together.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: I put my hands on his shoulders.
Amanda (as Inara): You are a prince. You are the champion. And you have definitely beat all of these kids at sailing summer camp. You know who this is. You can do it, I believe in you!
Brandon (as Tracey): You’ve been sailing your entire life with Captain Alex!
Eric (as Alonzo): That’s true…I’ve beaten many a noble at knot-tying.
Amanda (as Inara): But you know what? You’ve done a lot more than that. And I bet D’var hasn’t.
Eric (as Alonzo): I mean…
Amanda (as Inara): Yeah, he’s a god. Whatever. But he hasn’t you know, lived.
Brandon (as Tracey): He chose to be a paperweight.
Eric (as Alonzo): I don’t know…
Amanda (as Inara): Also, he doesn’t wear socks. Like doesn’t he have blisters all the time?
Brandon (as Tracey): [under breath] Disgusting.
Eric (as Alonzo): I mean, he’s a god I don’t know if that’s a thing that affects him. Honestly…
Amanda (as Inara): I mean you’re Alonzo Kiko. You can do this.
Eric (as Alonzo): That’s true, but…you know I’ve had a lot of time to think in here and I don’t know if Alonzo Kiko is the one with all the experience from all the fun adventures that we all did. I don’t…you know, if we’re talking about all the math there, I think I only got like, 50-30% of the fun adventures that we all did together. So…you know, I…
Brandon (as Tracey): You know, look…I’ve been there too. It’s-It’s in you, I promise.
Eric (as Alonzo): But like, there’s literally, I can see the parts that are in you Tracey.
Brandon (as Tracey): Don’t…don’t look at my parts.
Eric (as Alonzo): Okay.
Brandon (as Tracey): Those are private.
[Eric laughs]
Eric (as Alonzo): I mean just gears. I can see the gears…
Brandon (as Tracey): Stop, just don’t look at my gears those are private.
Eric (as Alonzo): I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
Brandon (as Tracey): No, what I’m saying is that like I have been taken over too, and if you just accept that everything that you did while taken over was your responsibility, you’ll find, it I promise.
Amanda (as Inara): And you outlasted it. The Council isn’t standing here. You are.
Eric (as Alonzo): That’ true. I mean he did put me in these chains, but that’s right.
Amanda (as Inara): You got out of them.
Eric (as Alonzo): True. Tracey is that really how you feel?
Brandon (as Tracey): Yeah.
Eric (as Alonzo): Okay. If it’s my responsibility, then I definitely kicked both of your asses and it was really fun. And I’m much better at fighting than both of you.
Amanda (as Inara): Yeah.
Brandon (as Tracey): Yep. Absolutely.
Amanda: I stand on Tracey’s foot.
[Eric laughs heartily]
Mhm…mhm.
Brandon (as Tracey): [fakely] You are much are…
Eric (as Alonzo): Ah, thanks…I really appreciate it, I feel really empowered now that I know that I’m the best fighter in this group.
Brandon (as Tracey): You took down the greatest warrior of all the lands: me, Tracey.
Amanda (as Inara): And the greatest first assassin ever: me.
Eric (as Alonzo): I did kill the bone whale. I definitely did that, I remember that.
Amanda (as Inara): Uh huh…
Brandon (as Tracey): Mhm.
Amanda (as Inara): Defeated Zubi, certainly you did. No one else.
Eric (as Alonzo): That’s true. I did kill the bone whale everyone saw it.
Amanda (as Inara): Yeah.
Eric (as Alonzo): When I hit it with my arrow, then it went sploosh!
Amanda (as Inara): True.
Eric (as Alonzo): Yeah…okay. Great.
Eric: Adamah’s like...
Eric (as Adamah): This huddle’s taking a very long time!
Brandon (as Tracey): You think on like, like macroscopic timescales! Like back off! You can wait thirty seconds!
Eric: [laughs] Okay. So as Adamah stands up the boardroom disappears, and the three gods are standing ready to rumble. Adamah claps her hands and says,
Eric (as Adamah): Okay! Let’s start with our first challenge. D’var, go ahead.
Eric: D’var steps forward to Alonzo, just sneering as two rich kids can only do at each other.
Amanda (as Inara): [whispering] I hate this guy.
Brandon (as Tracey): [yelling] YOU’RE THE CHAMPION ALONZO!
Amanda (as Inara): [also yelling] FUCK HIM UP ALONZO! BEAT HIS NUTS!
Eric (as D’var): Go...D'var!
Eric (as Ze'ol): [long unsure sound] Eh, whatever happens…
Amanda (as Inara): Shup up Ze’ol it’s not your turn, god.
Eric (as D’var): It’s fine, I hate that guy too. But don’t worry, Alonzo. Kiko. It’s time. For creation battle!
[loud clapping]
Eric: And all the sudden, you see that uh, the white nothingness is turning into like a courtroom where it’s like an enclosed center area.
[spirited music plays]
Where the jury is are now bandstands for the four of you. And you see that D’var is standing on one side and Alonzo is now standing on the other side. And Alonzo, as much as what’s happened to him, he’s still confused by substantiation out of nothingness, and he like looks a little nauseous from being moved without his consent.
Amanda: Where is Ze’ol sitting in the bandstand?
Eric: Uh, Ze’ol is sitting all the way on the left.
Brandon: How’s their neck looking? Cuttable?
Eric: Uh, to Tracey, everything looks cuttable.
Amanda: Inara and Tracey go down to the bottom right, obviously, the opposite of where Ze’ol is and Inara sits not on the bleachers, but on the like low wall separating it from the arena. Like, sideways with her legs dangling, just like that.
Brandon: Tracey finds the most comfortable chair, takes his ax out, and starts sharpening it while glaring at Ze’ol.
Amanda: Inara’s doing the pencil trick with her dagger.
[Brandon chuckles]
It’s high stakes.
Eric (as D'var): Here’s how this is going to work. We have five judges.
Eric: And he points towards where the judge’s seat would be but now it’s elongated to one long bench. And there are five like, ethereal judges sitting there with long robes and little wigs and they’re all holding up white boards [chuckling] with erasable markers.
Amanda (as Inara): Who are these people? We didn’t agree to that!
Eric (as D'var): They are the ethereal judges! They are impartial to worry I created them as such.
Amanda (as Inara): Yeah, but you created them!
Eric (as D'var): You can them anything. You can ask them a question!
Amanda (as Inara): Hey, how would you rate D’var’s style? Objectively?
Eric: All five of these ethereal beings have to confer with each other and the foreman stands up and says,
Eric (as foreman): We think...it’s fine.
[Amanda and Brandon hum, unsure]
Brandon (as Tracey): I don’t know about that, that doesn’t seem partial to me.
Amanda (as Inara): Okay, okay. Shoes with no socks. Weird or not?
Eric (as foreman): The weirdness is subjective. However, if he was not a god, he would get many blisters and stinky feet.
Amanda (as Inara): [impartial] Okay…I have my eye on you.
Brandon (as Tracey): Sounds right.
Eric (as foreman): And we have our eyes on everything.
Amanda: Inara sits back down and starts spinning her dagger again.
[Eric laughs]
Eric (as D’var): So, these are the rules. One of the judges is going to come up with an adjective. And then we are going to have to create it out of thin air!
Eric: Alonzo’s like,
Eric (as Alonzo): I don’t…I don’t have that power. How do I do that?
Eric (as D’var): Ah, don’t worry! What uh what is the medium in which you usually create things?
Eric: And Alonzo says,
Eric (as Alonzo): Uh, [flaps lips] I don’t know, I’m not really like an artsy person. Um, you know I did take some dance classes when, uh, back at the castle, and I can do some interpretive dance, I guess. Is that okay?
Eric (as D'var): Ah. The gentleman’s creation, interpretative dance. I will choose…oil paints!
[Amanda laughs]
Amanda: Okay!
Eric: An easel pops up with a canvas and just a palette of colors and a very large brush.
Amanda: Does he have a beret?
Eric: Uh, now he does!
[Brandon and Eric laugh]
So a seersucker suit and he’s wearing a beret on top. Um, I have a random adjective generator here. So, what’s going to happen is that…
Amanda: MOIST!
Eric: [short pause] No, I am a literal…
Brandon: Every single one is all moist.
Eric: All moist. Every single one that comes up is moist, it’s just moist that comes up. And every so often sloppy comes up?
[Amanda makes disgusted sound]
Uh, so I’m going to use the random adjective generator and they’re going to compete to see which thing they create is going to be closer to the adjective has been assigned by the five judges.
Eric (as D'var): Alright, let’s begin...Judges, first word!
Eric: And, uh, the foreman stands up and says,
Eric (as foreman): Your first word is, efficient!
Eric: And D’var starts painting. And Alonzo is looking around like,
Eric (as Alonzo): [confused] What am I, what do I do? Do I just, dance it out? And, I just dance it out and it becomes the thing? I don’t, I don’t understand the rules here.
Brandon (as Tracey): Just dance efficiently!
Eric (as Alonzo): Okay…uh…
Amanda (as Inara): Think, think about. Listen. Can I say something that’s going to make you sad Alonzo, put it into the dance. Ready? [short pause] Think about your relationship with Greg. And then do the opposite of that.
Eric (as Alonzo): How is that ...how is that a…oh. I see what you’re getting at. I see what you’re doing. Okay.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric: So Alonzo is dancing, just like really frustrated where he’s like punching the air and banging his hands on the railing and he’s starting to glow, but this is more of an orangey glow like he’s starting a fire? And slowly the energy comes off of him and starts to substantiate and become real. And on the ground is a light bulb.
Eric (as Alonzo): [more confident] Okay! Alright, that’s pretty good, right? That’s pretty good.
Brandon (as Tracey): [confused] How the…how the hell did he do that?
Amanda (as Inara): [amazed] Wow.
Eric (as D'var): Ahhh! Done!
Eric: You see that the uh paints on the canvas fly off and then substantiate and then try to come in to being and there’s a perpetual motion machine.
Brandon: Uh…
Amanda (as Inara): Seems fake.
Brandon: Not really efficient, because efficiency would necessitate loss of energy…
Amanda: One thing into another.
Brandon: That’s how you define efficiency.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Exactly.
Eric: True. [chuckles] The…
Brandon (as Tracey): How do we know it’s perpetual, we don’t have time!
[Eric laughs]
We could sit here for a million years and not know!
Amanda (as Inara): Also, they’re a god! They’re not-they’re not bounded by mortal laws of physics.
Eric: The five ethereal judges start writing on their white boards and uh, all five of them hold up a D for D’var.
Eric (as foreman): Round 1 goes to D’var.
Brandon (as Tracey): Exactly! He got a D! That’s a bad grade. That’s an LED light bulb there it’s very efficient! 7 years.
Amanda (as Inara): [chanting] A for Alonzo! A for Alonzo!
[Brandon joins in chanting]
Eric: [laughing] The foreman is just wave you off, and is like,
Eric (as foreman): The second word is unusual!
Eric: And Alonzo is just like,
Eric (as Alonzo): I…did I do, I mean I created something last time. How do you dance unusually? I guess…
Amanda (as Inara): You’re doing great bud!
Brandon (as Tracey): You just do it, you already do it!
Eric (as Alonzo): Alright man, I’ll just do it? Okay, I mean, I guess my whole life so far has been pretty unusual.
Amanda (as Inara): You’ve got it! You’ve been made for this!
Eric: Uh, Alonzo is just flailing his arms in all direction.
Amanda: Beautifully.
Eric: He’s like, he’s doing interpretative dance. He’s telling the entire story of the bone whale.
Amanda: Love it.
Eric: And uh…
Amanda: It’s highly unusual!
Eric: Highly unusual. And the orange energy comes off of him, and it elongates and pulls all the way out and gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And the visage of the bone whale just crashes into the courtroom.
Amanda (as Inara): Love it! Make a statement, good job!
[moaning of whale with crashing sounds]
Brandon (as Tracey): Terrifying! I’m so terrified, I’m scared!
Brandon: What was the word?
Eric: Unusual.
Brandon (as Tracey): It’s so unusual!
[Eric laughs]
Amanda (as Inara): I’ve never seen anything like it before! Ever! Have you Tracey?
Brandon (as Tracey): I have not! It’s a whale, but not!
Amanda (as Inara): Whale sodium and half bones!
Eric (as Ze'ol): Go…D’var.
Eric: D’var finishes his painting and says,
Eric (as D'var): Ah. That is magnifique as I would say myself.
Eric: The paint flies off the canvas and becomes a very small miniaturized version of Ze’ol.
Eric (as D'var): Ah…it was a good idea. I’m a regular guy just like everyone else.
Eric: And the judges confirm.
Brandon (as Tracey): Seems like a targeted attack against one individual. Not really all that unusual. And also…
Amanda (as Inara): Yeah, seems like one of the three of the fundamental forces controlling this universe, huh?
Brandon (as Tracey): Yeah, not really unusual at all.
Amanda (as Inara): Sort of everywhere, yeah. I saw one of these earlier today.
Brandon (as Tracey): It’s been in my head before, not unusual at all.
[Eric laughs]
Eric (as foreman): We need to come up with a judging, please.
Eric: And the judges confer, and they start drawing on their white boards, and hold up As.
Eric (as foreman): Alonzo Kiko wins this round.
[Amanda and Brandon cheer]
Brandon (as Tracey): Alonzo! That’s our friend, we know him!
Eric: So the third word is historical. And Alonzo comes up with a book that just says history on it, and D’var tells the entire history of the creation of the universe, so D’var wins that one.
Amanda: Oh, sure.
Eric: And the next one is careful. And Alonzo substantiates this little greeting card that says, ‘Hey I like you. Love, Alonzo’.
Brandon (as Tracey): [cheering] That’s so vulnerable!
Amanda (as Inara): [also cheering] So cute! It’s the most delicate and careful thing of all!
Eric: And D’var makes uh, like safety boots, and Alonzo wins that round.
[Amanda cheers]
So now it’s the final round. Uh, and the judge stands up and says,
Eric (as foreman): This is the final round. Your word is, hot. Would you like me to use it in a sentence?
Amanda (as Inara): Yeah.
Brandon (as Tracey): Yes please!
Eric (as foreman): Ouch! This soup is hot on my palate.
Brandon (as Tracey): Thank…thank you.
Eric (as foreman): Hot.
Brandon (as Tracey): Thank you.
Amanda (as Inara): Thank you.
Eric: Uh, Alonzo is just like, sweating through his like tattered prisoner clothes, and is like,
Eric (as Alonzo): [exhausted] Guys…I wasn’t wearing the right outfit to do this! I wasn’t ready. I didn’t think I was going to dance today.
Amanda (as Inara): You’re in the moment! You’re, you’re, you’re channeling this word, you got it!
Eric (as Alonzo): I mean hot, I mean, what…it’s so basic! What is that even…I don’t even know what that could be? Like is it, he talked about soup. Should I be making soup?
Eric: And D’var is just like painting up a storm and just brush strokes everywhere.
Eric (as Alonzo): Is it soup?
Brandon (as Tracey): I don’t think it’s soup!
Eric (as Alonzo): It’s not soup! [pause] Okay, hot. Hot. Hot.
[dice roll]
Amanda: Eric is smiling.
Eric: God. Alright…so Alonzo starts dancing as hard as possible. He’s putting all of his energy into this. He knows the gravity of the situation and he knows that he needs to step up to be there with you. So he’s just dancing as hard as possible.
It’s like the energy that he’s creating from dancing and sweating it out is just coming off of his body, radiating like in clouds now. And the clouds are...
Brandon (as Tracey): [rallying] Phew, boy am I hot!
Amanda (as Inara): [rallying] Yeah, Alonzo! I can feel your sweat! Wow!
Eric: And it’s like this orange glow is like substantiating off of him and it created another Alonzo that is dancing and mirroring the same dance moves that he’s doing.
Amanda: [excitedly] Yeah!
Eric: And then there’s another one. There’s three. And then there’s five. And eight. And twelve. And then there’s fifteen Alonzo’s in sync dancing their fucking hearts out.
And D’var is just like painting as hard as possible. Colors flying everywhere. Colors that you can’t even, you have not even recognized in the Mortal Plane. And he says,
Eric (as D'var): It’s finished. My greatest creation!!
Eric: And the paint drops off of his canvas, steaming on the ground. It bubbles together, and uh creates this circular thing.
Amanda (as Inara): Is it supposed to do that?
Eric: And it becomes this rounded thing. And…
Brandon (as Tracey): He made soup, didn’t he?
Eric: It’s a bowl of clam chowder soup.
Brandon (as Tracey): Yeah that makes sense.
Amanda (as Inara): [sighs] Ah, New England?
Brandon (as Tracey): Disgusting, the worst soup.
Eric (as D'var): Hold on a second, that’s not what I painted! I painted the entire summer’s day, how did this become soup!?
Brandon (as Tracey): I-I…you know. We all paint what’s inside of us.
Eric (as Ze’ol): Eh, you know. We all love soup at the end of the day.
Brandon (as Tracey): I just think you’re full of soup, D’var.
Amanda (as Inara): Not even the good kind with tomato.
Brandon (as Tracey): Yeah.
Amanda (as Inara): New England…
Brandon (as Tracey): You can’t dip a grilled cheese into clammed chowder, that’s just gross.
Amanda (as Inara): [sighs] Ugh, Tracey! Not before lunch.
Eric: Uh, Ze’ol then appears behind Tracey and says,
Eric (as Ze'ol): Yeah, hey you know...
[Brandon yelps]
Eric (as Ze'ol): We’re all soup at the end of the day, no matter where we’re created, we all become soup.
Amanda (as Inara): Sit down old man.
Brandon: Tracey takes a swing at his neck.
Eric: Does he…you miss. [chuckles] You swing for the head and he ducks down, but his hat still stays in the same spot and he just comes back and is like…
[Brandon chuckling]
Eric (as Ze'ol): You know, that guy is kinda a schmuck if you ask me.
Amanda (as Inara): He’s just getting his practice in, Ze’ol. Just you wait.
Eric (as D'var): Hey! I call interference! I didn’t create soup! Hey, who was messing with me!? Soup? I mean, that wasn’t me!
Amanda (as Inara): Judges, you have your objects. Let’s see.
Eric: Uh, the judges confer. D;var is leaning over the judges barrister. D’var is trying to call for a motion which makes absolutely no sense. Uh, the judges ignore him, and they are writing down on their white boards.
Brandon (as Tracey): [chanting] A for Alonzo! A for Alonzo! A for Alonzo!
Eric: And all of them hold up…As.
[Brandon and Amanda cheer gleefully]
Brandon: And Tracey runs over and puts Alonzo on his shoulders. And runs around the courtroom.
Amanda: Inara just runs after them.
Eric: Yeah, [laughs] yeah you’re celebrating, it’s great. Alonzo’s like,
Eric (as Alonzo): I did it! I did…I’m so sweaty, don’t touch me now. Oh I’m so gross, this is so gross. This is gross!!
Brandon (as Tracey): It’s fine! I can’t feel sweat.
Amanda: I pull out Mr. Sippy and have it do a little drinking fountain.
Eric (as Alonzo): [relieved] Oh thank you, I’m so parched.
[Brandon chuckling]
Eric: D’var stalks to the center of the room and waves his hand around and be like,
Eric (as D'var): [defeated] Alright. I guess I’m the loser. I’ve never lost anything before, but there’s a first time for everything. Challenge 1 complete.
Eric: He looks toward Adamah and Ze’ol and be like,
Eric (as D'var): You now it’s in all of our interests here if we do less if we win. So, if one of you messed with me...this would be a good time to tell me now. I don’t know why you would have done that. Doesn’t even make any sense.
Eric: And Adamah is just looking coldly at him, while Ze’ol is just kicking fictional dirt on the ground and being like…
Eric (as Ze'ol): Eh, I don’t know what happened?! That’s kinda a tough break I’m sorry!
Amanda (as Inara): Let’s keep it moving, who’s next?
Eric (as Adamah): I will go next.
[midroll begins]
Eric: Hey, it’s Eric. I want you to just think about pumpkin pie. Think about how creamy it is, how tangy it is, how it only comes once a year. And think about all the crusts it could be. Maybe a regular pie crust, or graham crust. Maybe even a chocolate crust. Maybe it’s topped with pecans and it’s just like a little bit of crunch there. Just think about it for a second.
Welcome to the midroll. I saved you a slice.
Now, I said I would tell you and now I have to tell you: this is going to be one of the last episodes of this story of Join the Party. There’s this one, a big big final episode, an epilogue, and then our Afterparty After the End of the World. So three stories, including this one, and then our final Q&A. I cannot believe this is almost the end of this amazing story. So thank you, thank you for taking that ride with us.
But we’re not finishing up this story without giving you something awesome to hold onto. We have a new merch store for Multitude and that means Join the Party pins! We’re working with DFTBA and they helped us make these amazing, amazing pins! There’s a Chad, a Chad pin, an Oatcake, and Inara and Tracey. They’re so so cool and thank you squared out there for helping us design them. You can pick up this new stuff and the rest of the new merch from Multitude, like t-shirts, beanies, posters and more at multitude.productions/merch. Don’t worry, we’re keeping the teepublic up through the end of 2019, so you still have a chance to grab those items. But if you want pins, and I know you’re going to want pins, remember: multitude.productions/merch for Join the Party pins!
And speaking of new things, hello hello hello and welcome to our newest patrons: Akisho, Clark, Josie, Christopher, MogarthIronBear, Robert, Kumra, Sarah, Trina, and Caitlin. Wow, what new friends. You’re all human friends to me, as I am also a human. As I said, we’re getting ready for the Afterparty At the End of the World and we pull a lot of great questions from our AfterParty channel on Discord. The patrons ask the best questions, and you can ask us stuff too when you too if you get on Discord as a part of joining the Patreon. Come up and jam and welcome to the Discord, and the other amazing rewards we have at patreon.com/jointhepartypod.
We’re sponsored this episode by Hello Fresh. HelloFresh makes cooking delicious meals at home a reality, regardless of your comfort in the kitchen. From step-by-step recipes to pre-measured ingredients, you’ll have everything you need to get a wow-worthy dinner on the table in just about 30 minutes. Break out of your dinner rut with HelloFresh’s 20 seasonal, chef-curated recipes each week. HelloFresh has more five-star recipes than any other meal kit service, so you know you’ll get something delicious. I had a wonderful experience making HelloFresh. I decided to do something a little bit meatless so I got the vegetarian box, and I didn’t even have gas at my apartment, because you know, things happen. I was able to make the pesto flatbread with fresh mozzarella and heirloom tomatoes and I could do it in the oven and I had the instructions to do it. And it’s kind of nice having someone just sends you a ball of fresh mozzarella. Which is pretty cool. Get 9 free meals with HelloFresh by going to HelloFresh.com/JOINTHEPARTY9 and using code JOINTHEPARTY9. That’s HelloFresh.com/JOINTHEPARTY9 and using the code JOINTHEPARTY9
We are also sponsored this week by Hero Forge! Hero Forge offers fully customizable tabletop minis with dozens of fantasy races and thousands of parts to choose from. Now I’m going to read all of the base races you can start off with, and here we go: Human, Elf, Half Elf, Dwarf, Elemental, Gnome, Half Orc, Hafling, Half Demon, Half Dragon, Wolf-folk, Cat-folk, Ratfolk, Minotaur, Turtleperson, LizardFolk, Ravenfolk, Faun, ForestGuard (giant), Elephantfolk, Zombie, Skeleton, Goblinoid, Fairytale Goblin, Robot, Rabbitfolk, Half Giant, Aquatic Humanoid, and Merfolk. Because those two are different, and it’s very important. LIKE I SAID, IT’S INCREDIBLY CUSTOMIZABLE. We love all of our minis and we know you’ll love yours too, so visit HeroForge.com to start designing your custom mini today, and check back often: there’s new content added every week. There was this one with a chef’s hat, and I definitely want a mini chef’s hat. I need to create an NPC who is a chef. And I know that I do that, but now I want a mini for it.
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Now, let’s get back to the show.
[midroll ends]
Eric: Inara, take a seat. You’re now sitting back at the boardroom table, but now the entire room looks like a boardroom. There’s this like opulent gold setting everywhere. There’s like fake plants in every single one of the corners. And now Tracey, Alonzo, Ze’ol and D’var are sitting on very comfy chairs over on the far side of the room.
Brandon (as Tracey): [gasps] It’s heated!
[Eric laughs, Amanda sighs in discomfort]
Eric (as Alonzo): Tracey, are you…it shouldn’t be heated.
[Amanda laughs]
Brandon (as Tracey): Oh no…
[Amanda continues laughing]
Eric (as Alonzo): Are you okay?
Brandon (as Tracey): It’s just my danger sense.
Eric (as Alonzo): Sorry, I’m still so hot. Is there air conditioning in here? I’m just, I’m sweating everywhere.
Brandon: Tracey takes out a small foldable fan and fans Alonzo.
Eric: Just waves it at him. So Inara, you are across the table from the god of living: Adamah. Somehow her suit has gotten even more severe, and her cheekbones have gotten and even more angled. She has…
Amanda: Can’t distract me, ma’am.
Eric: And she has a leather briefcase on the table. She says,
Eric (as Adamah): Okay. Let’s begin.
Amanda: I look around for my briefcase, and this would be a great time for Oatcake to show up with Tally.
Brandon: [chanting and clapping] Talligator, talligator!!
Eric: Why don’t you make an Arcana check?
[dice roll]
Amanda: 12.
Eric: Okay. [sighs] With a 12, you see that Oatcake pops back in from the ceiling, and lands on the table and licks your face, and licks Adamah’s face. And she has a briefcase in her mouth, but it is not Tally. It is just a black leather briefcase. And one of the clasps on the top is just fully broken.
Amanda (as Inara): [excitedly] Oatcake! Hi!
Eric: She licks your face again.
Amanda: I give her snugs and have some spiritual and hopefully statistical advantage in…
Brandon (as Tracey): +2 in dog!!
Amanda: Battle.
Eric (as Adamah): Uh, ma’am, this is a place of business. If you’d like to put your dog elsewhere, I would greatly appreciate that.
Amanda: I sit Oatcake firmly in my lap.
Amanda (as Inara): Sure.
Eric (as Adamah): Fine.
Amanda: I open the briefcase.
Eric: Great, okay. In the briefcase there is a sandwich in a plastic bag, and there’s a little note that says,
Eric (as Franny): Thought you might need this. Thought of you. Have a good day at school. Franny.
Amanda: My face shines.
Brandon: What kind of sandwich is it?
Eric: Um, it’s like, old bologna but somehow crispy lettuce on white bread and mayo.
Amanda: Okay, okay.
Eric (as Franny): This is all I had in the fridge. We’re in the apocalypse, I’m sorry.
Brandon (as Tracey): I would recommend not eating that Inara.
Amanda: I give Tracey a thumbs up, close the briefcase and put it next to me on the desk just so I mirror Adamah.
Eric: Okay. Adamah says,
Eric (as Adamah): Okay. Inara, I don’t know how much you know about me, but I’m a fair and rational woman.
[Brandon squawks, followed by Amanda and Brandon laughing]
Eric: Uh, Tracey, a gag magically appears in your mouth as D’var leans over and says,
Eric (as D'var): Be quiet. She’s working.
Eric: So you’re now, you’re unfortunately silenced for the rest of this challenge.
[Tracey makes muffled screams]
Just so you know I rolled a 25 on D’var creating this.
Brandon: That’s fair.
Eric: Tracey, while this is happening to you, and D’var is leaning over to you, make an Investigation check. Which I know you’re really good at.
Amanda: He’s a detective!
[dice roll]
Brandon: All of you say that like it’s not the reality. [in reaction to roll] HAHA!
Amanda: AH!
Brandon: 22!
Amanda: [exclaims] YEAH BABY!
Eric: Ah, finally. Okay.
Brandon: Hey...wow!
[Amanda and Eric laugh heartily]
Eric: So Tracey, as D’var is leaning over to you, like an older brother scolding his little brother for talking during church. You’re like flailing your arms around trying to beat him back.
And one of your arms goes over the other side of the chair. So if this is a line of four comfortable wingback chairs, you’re all the way on the left side, and you’re trying to hit D’var away. And you’re left arm which is handing over the left side of the chair, hits the wall behind you.
[hollow knock]
And you hear that there’s something hollow.
Brandon: [mumbles] Interesting. Tracey’s seen a lot of um slapstick comedy movies of course, because that’s his favorite genre.
[Eric laughs]
Amanda: Tracey and grandparents.
Eric: After the Brightening and you like escape the Council of Bright, you’re just wandering from town to town and just like, [yells] IS THERE A COMEDY HERE?!
Amanda: Listen, all I’m saying…
Eric: ARE YOU PUTTING ON A FARCE!?
Brandon: Yes, so during the breaks in the tea shop he would watch all the comedies.
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: So he’s learned a thing or two about how to take a dive. And so once you feel that something is hollow, he sort of starts, even more wildly, trying to get D’var away from him.
Eric: Alonzo is like stuck between you two like,
Eric (as Alonzo): [annoyed] Hey! Stop it…Ugh!
Brandon: And then Tracey like, “trips” and sort of falls over…
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: And onto the floor next to the hollow wall.
Eric: Okay. So why don’t you do a Sleight of Hand check? You use, you still need to be like, deft about it but you’re not stealthy so I’ll give you advantage on Sleight of Hand.
Brandon: Cool. So I got a 16 and a 4. So I got 17 total.
Eric: Great.
Amanda: Nice!
Eric: So with a 17, I think you just totally knock the chair over, and like the chair is blocking…
Brandon (as Tracey): WHOOPS!
Eric: Is blocking anyone from looking over at you, even Adamah is looking over at you and being like,
Eric (as Adamah): Hey! This is a boardroom…excuse me.
Brandon (as Tracey): It’s fine! It’s fine!
Eric (as Adamah): I’m trying to do business!
Brandon (as Tracey): Okay! I’m sorry, I’ll fix it.
Amanda (as Inara): Ignore him
Eric: So Tracey, you’re-you’re feeling around on this hollow area and you see that there is a little knob. And you pull on it and there’s like a secret tiny door here. And inside on a little pillow is a battery.
Brandon: [intrigued] Oh! Tracey takes the battery and puts it in his pack.
Eric: Good! Okay, good! And with all the commotion, Adamah’s trying to get, trying to restore any kind of, any sort of normal.
Eric (as Adamah): This is a boardroom, this is, excuse me! I’m doing something! It’s my turn. Can you two…can you two deal with this?
Brandon (as Tracey): Yeah, all done.
Eric: D’var is like,
Eric (as D'var): Ah, you bugger. Get up off the floor!
Brandon (as Tracey): I’m sorry.
Brandon: And Tracey picks up the chair and does a couple of like arm lifts with it above his head to show off his strength and puts it down.
Eric: Sure. D’var is getting right up in your face and is like,
Eric (as D'var): Ah! You’re messing with gods here!
Brandon: Tracey boops him on the nose.
Eric: Yeah. That’s fine. D’var looks puzzled for a second, and then he winks at you, and then he sits back down.
[Amanda makes sense of uncertainty]
Brandon: Like a suggestive wink or like we're on the same team wink? Can I investigate the wink?
Eric: Sure, do an Insight check.
[dice roll]
Amanda: Did your gag fall out?
Eric: No, you’re still gagged.
Brandon: Oh! That’s a good point. Yeah, imagine all of that stuff that I just said,
[Brandon and Eric make muffled noises]
Uh, 16 + 2 for 18.
Amanda: YEAH, TRACEY!
Eric: Alright, with an 18, like why would D’var help you, ever, at all? That doesn’t really make any sense. And, then you just remembered that like, why did D’var lose the last challenge? Someone must have messed with him. Why did he make soup? He obviously didn’t make soup. Someone must have messed with it.
Brandon: He didn’t even put oyster crackers on top, which was weird.
Eric: It didn’t.
Amanda: Nary a chive for color contrast?
Brandon: Not even a chive, just a bowl of milky white paste!
Eric: And then you Ze’ol was looking pretty suspicious.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Okay?
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: Okay. How many batteries do you have?
Brandon: It’s 5 I think, does that mean something?
Eric: Yeah. So you can use up to 4 batteries to power up your, a thunder shot from your cannon, and then you can add up to 4 d6. But if you use all 5, something incredibly ridiculous happens.
Brandon: Okay. Okay, okay, okay…do I just put the batteries in the cannon, or, do I have to like wire them up?
Eric: [laughs] You know, I don’t know how power ups in video games work, you can eat them you can do whatever you want with them.
Brandon: Okay, I think I might eat them.
Eric: Okay.
[Amanda chuckles]
Adamah then retakes her seat and is like,
Eric (as Adamah): Sorry about all of that. It’s time for business now. Business. Real, living, business.
Amanda (as Inara): Yeah, whatever. Let’s go.
Eric: Adamah looks over her shoulder and says,
Eric (as Adamah): Lights!
Eric: And the fluorescent lights in the boardroom go out. And Adamah puts a projector on the table and she pulls down a screen from the far right of the room, and uh the projector starts to turn on. And it’s a photo of you. You smiling and looking happy.
[wistful music plays]
Brandon (as Tracey): WOO! She’s the best!!
Eric (as Adamah): Inara, can I call you Inara?
Amanda (as Inara): I’ll consider it.
Eric (as Adamah): Ms. Inara.
Amanda (as Inara): It’s Ms. Harthorn actually, I thought about it.
Eric (as Adamah): Ms. Harthorn. You know it’s funny, I appreciate someone who goes by their last name. When you go by your last name, you remember who your family is and what that family means to you. And I know that you’ve been out adventuring and everything but uh…what if you could do it all again?
Eric: And uh, she presses a clicker. And she is showing photos of the Great Green. And it could be from anytime or anyplace, but you’re seeing that your cousins’ birthdays, and their weddings, and um, little elves first steps. And the first time these scrappy cousins have climbed trees. And your nieces and nephews and you see like some of your mom and dad and aunts and uncles and grandparents. And you see them get older.
Eric (as Adamah): Well Inara I really wanted to show these to you because, well, you missed all for them. It’s been awhile since you’ve been back to the Great Green and a lot of has happened with the Harthorns.
Amanda: I’m holding Oatcake very tightly.
Eric (as Adamah): So, you know, I am the God of the living. And I may not be like Ze’ol, but I can help you with your life. This has been hard, I know it’s been hard.
You’ve gained but you’ve also lost quite a lot. If you don’t want to leave the Great Green, if you want to go back to where you were, I can make that happen.
Amanda (as Inara): So is this just a turning down temptation test? Because, my parents taught me to do what’s right, to think about the many and not just think about myself. And defeating you is the greatest gift I could ever give them.
Eric: She pushes the projector button and it flips to this very vey large group photo. Like there are hundreds of people in it, I don’t know how they got so many people. There are like people all the way climbed up in trees, and other people are laying on the ground to make sure they all fit. And there are like hundreds of them, but of course, you’re not in it.
Amanda: I stare at her.
Eric: Are you sure?
Amanda: I’m sure.
Eric: Okay. And as she opens her briefcase, and you kinda hear like a pop like when you’re sealing a door, and now you look around and it’s just you and her at the boardroom table. And instead of the walls of the boardroom it’s now the like milky whiteness of the eternal gods room.
Amanda: Inara is very surprised but tries not to show it.
[dice roll]
Eric (as Adamah): Listen, what kind of a business woman would I be if I didn’t have more than one offer for you? I know, I’m the best. I created negotiation, it’s fine.
Amanda (as Inara): What is this challenge? Winning a negotiation or just turning down your dumb offers?
Eric (as Adamah): Both, if you think about it like that. I wouldn’t call them dumb I think they’re quite tempting. Uh, well I have another offer for you. I can let you go, I can say that you won, whatever is it we’re doing here. It’s just us. But instead, you need to give me something in return.
The challenge is a negotiation yes, so let’s negotiate. I’ll say that you win and you can move on. But I need a part of a life in return.
Amanda (as Inara): I don’t want you to say that I win, I wanna actually win.
Eric (as Adamah): You can win. Coming out of this negotiation is winning. I need part of a life. I need 10 years. It can be from you…well 10 years adjusted, I know that both you and your warforged companion are a little older and live a little longer than humans do.
So I need something equivalent of 10 years. So I guess from you, maybe 20? Uh, maybe from Tracey his ability to, I guess, endure whatever energy is keeping him alive in there. So it can be from you, it can be from someone you know, but I do need about 10 years.
[short pause]
Amanda (as Inara): What if instead the part of the life I give, is letting you live, once we’re done here?
Eric (as Adamah): That’s not how it works. I live, I endure. You can try to kill us. There are ways. But with the daggers that are on you, that’s not going to happen.
Amanda (as Inara): What if I let you kill Ze’ol?
Eric (as Adamah): [exhales] Again, unfortunately, that’s-uh, that’s not how it works. If I wanted to I would. But uh, there’s a godly contract between the three of us that we signed long ago. And I don’t go back on my deals.
Amanda (as Inara): Here’s the thing. Time doesn’t mean a lot to me. I’m only 20, but I’ve done more in the last year and changed in my whole life before that. You show me pictures of my family, and it’s tempting, and I miss them. And I wish in sense, that I could go back and keep the memories and the friends that I made along the way.
But I would give up my life in a moment for my cause. I could give you the rest of my life theoretically in this situation to make sure that the Council dies. But I know how this works. And I know that what you need from me is a real sacrifice.
So, I can give you my calling. I’ll leave the Assassin’s Guild. I’ll never talk to them again.
Eric: Give me a Persuasion check.
[dice roll]
Amanda: 18.
Eric (as Adamah): [in contemplation] Hm…That’s interesting.
Amanda (as Inara): The thing that gives me purpose? The family that found? The reason I left home. The thing I’ve been striving for. That means something to me. Ten years does not.
Eric (as Adamah): Mm…
Eric: Adamah leans back in her chair, thinking thoughtfully for a moment.
Eric (as Adamah): That is tempting…Hm. [pause] Okay. How about, counteroffer: give me your job’s purpose and some life force for now. You can get it back. I-I just ah…I need some collateral now. I need something substantial.
An idea, that’s good, that might help pay off in dividends in the future for sure. But I definitely need something now.
Eric: So Amanda, I will take this deal if you leave the Assassin’s Guild. But I need you to give me half of your total HP points. For now.
Amanda: When do I get them back?
Eric: You can heal them back, but I need you, uh…how many HP points do you have?
Amanda: I have 67, and my total, 97.
Eric: Okay. I need you to give me, give me 40 HP points.
Amanda: Will you restore them once I defeat the Council?
Eric: If you manage to beat up that son of a bitch, I will be your first heal.
Amanda: [confidently] Take em. I can defeat the Council. Bleeding and half asleep.
Eric: Sounds like a deal. She holds her hand out.
Amanda: I lick my palm, and take it.
Eric: That’s disgusting, but it still counts. Wonderful Amanda, take the HP points off of your HP.
Amanda: Alright. Back to 27, baby!
Eric: Wonderful. Alright, after you lick your palm and shake her hand, uh, you hear that pop again and you’re back in the boardroom.
Amanda: Before I let go, I’m just going to whisper,
Amanda (as Inara): You know, it really is a pleasure working with you and I don’t hate you as much as the others. When this is all over, I’d love to let you pick my brain sometime.
Eric (as Adamah): [incredulously] Let me pick your brain?
Amanda (as Inara): BYEE!!!
Amanda: And I-I jump up with Oatcake, grab the briefcase and walk back to Tracey and Alonzo.
Eric: Adamah immediately, she’s like relaxed in front of you having an intimate one on one deal. But as soon as she comes back in front of the other gods, she like, shrinks up immediately and she’s like…
Amanda: Shoulder pads grow?
Eric: [laughs] Yeah, they expand and she says,
Eric (as Adamah): A deal has been struck! Challenge 2, finished!
Brandon: Tracey whispers to any god that might be in the area.
Brandon (as Tracey): [quietly] Man, I can’t believe she would just like, completely cut the other gods out of the negotiation. Who knows what happens in private like that, that’s so weird.
Eric: Uh, both of the gods, [laughs] both make the face like, Hm, I wonder-I wonder what they were doing in there? Hm…
And um, uh the boardroom dissipates as Ze’ol steps up to Tracey and is like,
Eric (as Ze'ol): Alright! Okay, let’s uh ...alright Tracey you ready?
Brandon (as Tracey): I’ve been waiting for, like, four and a half months.
[Eric laughs]
Eric (as Ze'ol): Eh, that’s kinda a , long time.
Brandon (as Tracey): To chop your head off.
Eric (as Ze'ol): That’s fair, we’ll see what happens.
[diner background music plays]
Eric: All of the sudden you are sitting at a seat in a diner. With like the countertops and a squishy turquoise seat and you’re sitting across the table from Ze’ol. Ze’ol has a uh, somehow has tea already. And uh, the other four of you are sitting at the counter on spinny stools. And Ze’ol turns to Tracey and is like,
Eric (as Ze'ol): Tracey…I am not here to do anything complicated. My challenge is pretty simple. Then we’ll be done with it and we’ll be best friends like we always are.
Amanda: I place Oatcake on the stool next to me and gently spin it.
[Brandon laughs]
Eric (as Ze'ol): All you have to do, is uh…
Brandon (as Tracey): [ordering] Ham and cheese omelet, please! Home fries, and uh, orange juice, coffee, um, whole wheat toast on the side, and…bacon.
Eric: D’var gets up from his seat and like leans over the counter and says,
Eric (as D'var): Oh, yeah! Mickey’s special and a number 5!
Eric: And then all of it appears in front of you.
Brandon: And I start chowing down, and I say,
Brandon (as Tracey): Oh, um, sorry. You were talking, what?
Eric (as Ze'ol): Uh, all you have to do, is uh, beat me at a game of high and low.
Eric: And Ze’ol takes out a pack of cards.
Eric (as Ze'ol): So here, Tracey, here is how it’s going to work.
[Amanda makes surprised yelp, and then laughs]
Eric: I have a pack of cards here.
Amanda: He really does!
Eric: I really do. It was in my pocket the whole time.
[Brandon laughs]
So all you have to do, Brandon. Truly all you have to do, is make sure you have a higher card than Ze’ol.
Brandon: Do I get to cut?
Eric: Sure.
[shuffling of cards]
Ze’ol is shuffling the cards. And here, you can cut. [short pause] Wonderful…okay.
[some movement of cards]
This is for you.
[more shuffling]
Alright. So, uh, Ze’ol deals you one card and he takes the next one, and says,
Eric (as Ze'ol): Alright, Tracey um…you think you have a higher card than me?
Brandon (as Tracey): This is…sourdough toast. Hang, hang, hang on! If we’re going to play by the rules, we’re going to play by the rules.
Brandon: Tracey takes his plate over to the counter.
Eric: [laughs] You’re just bringing it over to D’var?
Brandon: Yeah, and he’s going to throw it on the counter and yell,
Brandon (as Tracey): WHO-WHO, who is making this?!
Brandon: And then he’s going to lean in into D’var. And whisper,
Brandon (as Tracey): You got my back here, or what?
Eric (as D'var): What, are you accusing me of cheating? I would never cheat anything. I would never get involved in anyone’s games ever, I’m not a man who plays games!
Brandon (as Tracey): I didn’t say that, I just. Look. We both know that Ze’ol is…is, vying for power over you and Adamah.
Eric (as D'var): What? I would never…I would never go against my friend Ze’ol. He is devoted and he’s definitely always been great to me.
Brandon (as Tracey): It sounds like you’re lying, but um, if you…if we’re on the same team here, send over…two eggs over easy.
Eric (as D’var): Okay.
Brandon: And Tracey throws the toast in the back of the diner.
Eric: [laughs heartily] Tracey is so dramatic, [imitating Tracey] I hate toast!!
Brandon (as Tracey): THIS, is not what I ordered!!!
Eric: This has caraway seeds on it! I hate it!
Brandon: And then walks back to the booth.
Eric: [giggles] Okay. So Ze’ol is staring at you with his googly, golden eyes. Uh, he says,
Eric (as Ze'ol): Uh Tracey, all you have to do is show the card.
Brandon (as Tracey): I’m sorry, are we not civilized? Can we wait until my food gets out?
Amanda (as Inara): Oh Tracey, your side of fruit came out!
Amanda: And Inara brings over a soft serve filled with glittery purple fruit like cut up into cubes. And it’s the truth fruit.
Brandon: What the fuck is the truth fruit?!
Eric: The truth fruit.
Amanda: I got it from I think, Bachelorette Party?
Brandon: [surprised, laughing] What the fuck?
Amanda: It’s a fruit that makes you tell the truth.
Eric: Oh, that’s right!
Amanda: And I’ve had it…four months.
[Brandon laughs]
So it might be a little bruised! But I’m going to slide this over to Treey and say,
Amanda (as Inara): You know, you can share if you don’t feel like it.
Brandon (as Tracey): Inara, you know that I don’t like fruit!! Here Ze’ol!
[Eric chuckles]
Amanda (as Inara): I know people of your age sometimes need a little, you know, just to help everything flow correctly so here’s some fruit.
Eric (as Ze'ol): Oh, thank you! I was going to order some myself, but I have to finish my tea.
Eric: Uh, and Ze’ol pops a piece into his mouth.
[Eric sighs]
Brandon: That looks like a very low number Eric.
Eric: Uh, Ze’ol pops a bunch of, a few pieces of fruit in this mouth and says,
Eric (as Ze'ol): [yummy noises] Ah! Thank you so much, it’s so delicious. I appreciate it, um. Even with the truth serum on it, it just tastes so, oh! Muah! It’s not even in season here, I don’t know where you found it.
Eric: One googly eye is on Tracey and another one is on Inara.
Brandon (as Tracey): I…don’t know what you’re talking about...
Amanda (as Inara): Just trying to respect my elders.
Eric (as Ze'ol): That is fair. [chuckles] Thank you. Now go sit down before I kill you and take your soul and put it in a penny box where I keep all of my pennies.
Amanda (as Inara): It’s not even a real thing!
Eric (as Ze'ol): I have one, it’s for pennies!
Brandon (as Tracey): You just have a box where you keep pennies?
Eric (as Ze'ol): Yeah!
Amanda (as Inara): Did that used to be like a thousand dollars when you were born or something?
[Eric chuckles]
Did you like buy your first car for a penny? [short pause] Did you buy a house for three?
Brandon (as Tracey): Could you get a large box of popcorn at the movies for a penny?
Eric (as Ze'ol): I went to four years of college for only five pennies in my pocket!
Eric: At that point, you see a plate of eggs, two eggs over easy, come floating in and land over your other plate of eggs.
Brandon (as Tracey): Ah! My order, this is the whole wheat toast that I ordered!
Brandon: And Tracey picks up a fork, and then I assumed on the table…
Eric: Mhm.
Brandon: And then takes out his Flaming Sword, turns it on, and begins to cut the eggs.
[Eric and Amanda laugh]
Amanda: It’s perfect because it cauterizes the yolk when you cut it and then you have little yolk bomb in your mouth.
Brandon: Yeah, it tastes like candy and is delicious and cuts them and he’s, he chops them up in little pieces.
Brandon (as Tracey): Sorry, did you want…?
Eric (as Ze'ol): Nah, I’m good. I have fruit and tea, it’s fine. Tracey I’m going to give you, uh…I’m going to give you a choice. Now if you look at your card, uh, we can switch cards and then I will draw a new one. What do you think?
Brandon: [unsure] Oh man…like literally on the edge, on the 50% edge.
Amanda: Including all the face cards?
Brandon: Mhm. Are jokers in the deck?
Eric: No.
Brandon: Okay. I’ll show you, Amanda, my card. Yeah, so I’m still slightly higher than 50%.
[pause]
Eric (as Ze'ol): I could drink this tea all day, it’s delicious. [slurps loudly] Ah!
Amanda: I think do what the odds tell you.
Brandon: Yeah.
Brandon (as Tracey): I think I’ll…I’ll keep my card.
Eric (as Ze'ol): Okay.
Eric: Tracey, make a Perception check.
[dice roll]
Brandon: Uh, 17 + 2 for 19.
Eric: Okay, uh, so as Ze’ol takes the deck which is on the table and puts it back in his pocket. And you see in that, as he’s doing that, he’s turning over his hand where he has a king on the back of his hand, and he’s trying to slip it in place of the card he has.
Brandon (as Tracey): Mmm, mhm, okay. So see, here’s the issue here, Ze’ol. Is that, you’re a goddamn cheater and I’m going to cut your head off!
Brandon: And Tracey flips the table…
[crashing and thud of table]
And takes a swing with his Flaming Sword.
Eric: Okay.
Amanda: [enthusiastically while clapping] Yeah!!
[action music plays]
Eric: Make an attack roll. The flaming sword is +1 so, I’ll give you proficiency and +1.
Brandon: Okay, so I’m also going to flip on my Rage switch, and that gives me advantage on Strength throws.
[dice roll]
That’s a 4.
[Eric chuckles, dice rolls again]
So that’s a 10. So 10 + 7 is, uh 17.
Eric: Alright. With a 17, as you flip the uh, as you flip the table over and you take a swing at Ze’ol, uh, Ze’ol takes a step backwards and just deftly moves out of the way of your, of your Flaming Sword swing.
Eric (as Ze'ol): Hey! You know when I went into this, I was a cheater!
Brandon (as Tracey): Why don't you fight me like a god instead of a trickster!
Eric (as Ze'ol): For me it’s one in the same!
Eric: And D’var says,
Eric (as D'var): Oh! Oh, no! It’s all, it’s all going poorly, now would be so bad if someone got hurt! Ahh! If there was only something you could do to hurt a god, if only there was so extremely powered attack you could do! That would be so, go poor for him!
Amanda: Inara jumps up and yanks the Lantern Patch off her cloak.
Eric: Ah, wonderful. Okay. Uh, where are you putting the Lantern Patch?
Amanda: Uh, I am holding it in my hand and pointing it directly at Ze’ol’s face hopefully blinding him.
Eric: Okay. So when you pull the Lantern Patch off of your cloak, and it just becomes this bullseye lantern, the classic lantern with the big circle of light in the middle.
Amanda: Like a ship’s lantern?
Eric: Yeah, exactly. And um, this thing is very powerful. You open the slot up and just light pours out of it.
[magical echo reverberates]
And Ze’ol’s going to make a swing at you, but I’m going to give him disadvantage because of the light in his eyes.
[dice roll]
Well he got a nat 1!
Amanda: Yeah!!
[Eric laughs]
Eric: Ze’ol, Ze’ol like his hands just like start expanding and like lengthening with shadowy…
Amanda: No…! Nuh uh.
Eric: Like these crooked shadowy fingers and he reaches back to slash at you. And you just point the Lantern at his face, and he stumbles over and uh, slips in the tea on the floor.
Eric (as Ze'ol): [yells] Ah! I’m such an old, oh! I’m so clumsy! Why would all of this happen to me, the trickster god?
Brandon: And with that deft distraction, Tracey quickly reaches back into his pack and pulls out the five batteries and jams them into his cannon one by one.
Eric: Wonderful, okay. So, first I want you to make an attack roll with advantage. And I’m giving you +10.
[dice roll]
Brandon: [laughs, and then makes frustrated growl] 17?
Eric: You, with advantage?!
Brandon: Mhm.
[dice roll]
Eric: Alright Tracey, you have this uncanny moment and you slam all five batteries in your cannon, it just like starts to expand. It’s just like there are components that like bulk out and it just, your arm just becomes bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger.
And you try to level your gun at Ze’ol. And I guess like, he’s still a crafty old man. So he’s dodging and weaving, and your arm just gets bigger and bigger and now it’s like the size of your entire torso. It just, it’s just like a giant gun arm. And you see it’s starts to glow and as your charging up and you’re putting all of your energy into this.
[action music escalates]
And everything stops.
[music stops entirely]
And uh, Adamah takes a step forward, and she says,
Eric (as Adamah): Tracey I know what’s going to happen next. You’re going to take a shot wide left, and you’re going to destroy everything except for Ze’ol. So I’m going to make you a deal.
All I need from you is some of this rough and tumble life force that you have going on in there. And uh, you can just level this right into Ze’ol’s brain.
I would love that! It would be so funny for me. I would take a photo, I would put it on our holiday card, it would be lovely. But you’re going to have to take the deal.
Eric: So Branson, for you, you’re going to have to give me 50% of your total HP points.
Brandon (as Tracey): Not when you’re saying that everything else will be destroyed, except for Ze’ol, does that include you?
Eric (as Adamah): Eh, no, it’s more of a…it’s more of a metaphorical thing. You know, we exist in this uh, fabricated space that looks like a diner cause Ze’ol thought that would be funny. Um…
Brandon (as Tracey): He’s not very good at comedy.
Eric (as Adamah): I don’t think it’s…very funny either.
Brandon (as Tracey): Yeah.
Eric (as Adamah): The food, that was a good touch. Um, you know D’var has his moments, I’ll say that. It’s more like, you’re going to miss and there’s going to be a wonderful explosion of energy and it’s just it’s going to go nowhere.
Brandon (as Tracey): Hm. Why do you want your, brethren dead?
Eric (as Adamah): We’re not brethren. We are signed into a contract together. And I don’t go back on my contracts. BUT, if something were to happen outside of my hand, I’d say that would be pretty rad.
Brandon (as Tracey): What happens to his domain?
Eric (as Adamah): You know, it would take him a little while to reform, part of the contract is that it is his responsibility to manage time and death and trickery and...avocados too. I’m not really sure why that was under his domain, but he wanted that.
Brandon (as Tracey): It takes a lot of time for them to ripen.
Eric (as Adamah): That’s true.
Brandon (as Tracey): And there’s only like a couple hours to eat them.
Eric (as Adamah): And it’s hard, oh! That’s why, you know, there’s so many times you get an avocado and it’s overripe, or sometimes you get an avocado and like the pit is too big? That’s him, that’s Ze’ol.
Brandon (as Tracey): Yeah.
Eric (as Adamah): Yeah.
Brandon (as Tracey): What a frickin jerk.
Eric (as Adamah): [sighs] It’s what he’s good at. And we can’t take that away from him. It still is his job. It’ll take him a little while to come back and maybe um he’ll come back a little chastised. A few weeks and no one will die. Don’t know how that will go, but…
Brandon (as Tracey): Here’s the real question. If the god of death is dead, and we kill the Council, does he stay dead?
Eric (as Adamah): You know, that’s a great question. As the god of living, I can tell you, he’s not going to die. That’s why they didn’t kill him in the first place.
His whole thing, he’s flooded with energy. The Undying Light is flowing through him. He’s half battery at this point. So, killing him is not the best idea. Wink. I’m saying wink because I can’t wink. But…
Brandon (as Tracey): You’re a god and you can’t wink? Even I can, watch, I’ll do it right now.
Brandon: And Tracey winks.
Eric: Adamah tries to wink at you and blinks both eyes.
[Eric and Brandon chuckle]
Eric (as Adamah): See, I can’t…I just can’t do it.
Brandon (as Tracey): I guess we all have our flaws, um [sighs] see, as much as I want to do this, it is revenge. And I don’t know what’s in it for me. If we’re negotiating, what’s in it for me?
Eric (as Adamah): I thought, what’s in it for you was blowing Ze’ol’s head off?
Brandon (as Tracey): You know, it’s-it’s uh, well it would be um…
Eric (as Adamah): Maybe when he reforms, after a few weeks of existing as only pieces of energy and cosmos and what not, he’ll come back better.
Brandon (as Tracey): Mmm.
Eric (as Adamah): Less of a, and excuse my language, a butthole.
Brandon (as Tracey): Um…
Eric (as Adamah): What I can also give you is a, everyone will know that you did it. Ze’ol’s head will be separated from his body. And uh, I can preserve that for you and put it into a little jar for you to carry around and show everybody.
Brandon (as Tracey): Oh, that’s so kind of you. I thought that was a basic part of the negotiations, I assume that was the case.
Eric (as Adamah): Unfortunately the jar is extra.
Brandon (as Tracey): I’ll pay for the jar, it’s fine. Um, I have lots of gold that I haven’t given away. Here’s what else that I want though. I’ll do this for you. I’m not saying it’s not going to feel good.
But when this is all over and we trap the Council, and everything goes back to normal, I don’t want anyone to know who I am. I want a fresh start. Except for the friends and the family I made. Inara should know, and everyone else, Evan. But the world at large, I don’t want any fame, fortune, I just want to go. I don’t want anyone to know I’m the reason this started, this whole thing started. I just want to go sell tea.
Eric: Make a Persuasion check.
[dice roll]
Brandon: 17.
Eric: Okay. With a 17, Adamah purses her lips and puts her hands under her chin and says,
Eric (as Adamah): Okay. I can do that. You gotta pick just three though, I can’t do more than three.
Brandon (as Tracey): Okay. That’s fair. I see that. Do dogs count? Or alligators?
Eric (as Adamah): Alligators, no. Dogs, yes.
Brandon (as Tracey): Hm…well. Inara, Alonzo, Greg. I can make friends with Oatcake again.
Eric (as Adamah): That’s fair. Okay. You still gotta give me half of your HP though.
Brandon (as Tracey): [countering] 40%.
[dice roll, followed by quiet laugh]
Eric (as Adamah): 45.
Brandon (as Tracey): Deal.
Eric: She reaches her hand out.
Eric (as Adamah): Shake on it.
Brandon: Tracey shakes his body a little bit, and then shakes her hand.
[Amanda laughs]
Eric (as Adamah): Hey, you two…you two are the worst.
Brandon (as Tracey): We needed a moment of levity, it’s fine.
Eric: Alright Brandon. What’s 45% of your HP points? Or what’s your HP points? I can do the math for you.
Brandon: Total or left?
Eric: Total.
Brandon: 113.
Eric: That is 51 HP points, so you knock off 51 HP points.
Brandon: Great, I am down to...29.
Eric: Alright. As she reaches out for your hand, [chuckles] as you shook your body, she says,
Eric (as Adamah): Both of you are ridiculous.
Eric: She needs to step back to where she was standing, and time slowly starts playing again.
[warping resounding echo]
And then roars back into real time. And now you feel your arm getting pushed a little to the right and the cannon is now just roaring and ready to go, and Ze’ol is standing there, and uh, says,
Eric (as Ze'ol): Oh, what card did you have?
Brandon (as Tracey): [badassly] I got the joker and it doesn’t belong in the deck.
[pump-up action music]
Eric: Oh bud!
Amanda: BABY!!
Eric: you just blast Ze’ol…
[cannon blasts]
From your massive cannon. Tracey, I want to give you the vindication of rolling for damage. Let’s give you 5 d6.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: And Amanda, will you keep track of uh, what he rolls?
[dice rolling]
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Alright, 3, 6, 5, 6, and 1. So that’s…21.
Eric: Okay, roll again.
[dice rolling]
Amanda: All again?
Eric: Yep.
Brandon: That one’s 17 total.
Eric: Okay. Let’s roll again.
[Amanda chuckles, dice rolling]
Brandon: 11 total.
Eric: Okay, roll again.
[dice rolling]
Brandon: 19 total.
Eric: And roll again.
[dice rolling]
Brandon: 23.
Amanda: That’s uh, 81 points of damage.
Eric: [chuckles] Wonderful. Alright, so the cannon blast just fires right through Ze’ol’s head and it just like, it bursts…
[loud explosion, music stops]
Not in the like blood and gore as if he was a regular person, just like the atoms the energy whatever is holding a god together just like explodes and goes in all directions.
And this cannon blast is just like long and extended and goes all the way back of this infinity diner and it sears everything around it. [laughing] It just keeps, he just keeps going and going for like 5, 10, 15, 20 seconds out of your arm. And suddenly, just as quick as it began, it stops.
And uh, Ze’ol’s body crumples to the ground. Now just a headless old man, and uh, his card falls out of his pocket. It was the 8 of clubs.
Brandon: [laughs] Looks like we were evenly matched.
[Eric laughs heartily]
Amanda: 8 of spades baby.
Eric: Adamah coughs and says,
Eric (as Adamah): Well, uh, ordinarily I would say it’s a draw and we would pull again but, it seems that Ze’ol is incapacitated at the moment, so…Tracey wins! Alright. Good job everyone. Let’s go back.
Eric: And she claps her hands, and you’re now back in the chapel just like with the fog of everything still around. [laughing] And you see that there’s still Ze’ol’s headless body still just standing there, like as his avatar from…
Amanda: Ad his statue?
Eric: From the statue. And uh, Adamah and D’var are trying not to look at it. They’re like ugh!
Amanda: I’m just holding Oatcake in one hand and Alonzo’s elbow with the other.
Eric: Alonzo’s like,
Eric (as Alonzo): Why is everything with us, the worst?!
[Brandon laughs]
Why does this keep happening?!
Eric (as Alonzo): You know, I shouldn’t ask about what sort of consequences happens when the god of death is just not around, or headless. I just, I’m just not going to ask.
Brandon (as Tracey): I wouldn’t Alonzo.
Amanda: No.
Eric (as Alonzo): No, I’m just not going to.
Eric: [laughing] Adamah, like coughs again and is like,
Eric (as Adamah): [coughs] Ah, well! Uh, I guess we fulfilled the contracts! Uh…
Amanda (as Inara): Medallion, please?
Eric (as Adamah): A challenge, yes. A win is a win. Uh, great job everyone. Uh, here is what you deserve.
Eric: And she holds out the medallion to you. And Alonzo instinctively takes a step back.
Amanda: I grab it.
Eric: Alright. And Adamah says,
Eric (as Adamah): Well, uh, seems that we have done too much meddling in the Mortal Plane as it is. So I have a meeting to get to, I’m sorry. But uh, you know running everyone’s lives, uh…
Amanda (as Inara): Gotta hard out?
Eric (as Adamah): Gotta hard out, right. Jarvis shouldn’t be running this for so long. Honestly, so I should get back. But it was nice to meet all of you. I’m sure we’ll get lunch again soon, uh…
Brandon (as Tracey): If I ever see you again, I’m doing the same thing I did to Ze’ol to you.
Eric (as Adamah): And I will say to you, I’m much smarter than he is.
Eric: She picks up her suitcase and turning on her heel, she steps back into her statue and disappears. And D’var is kind of kicking at the ground with his boat shoes and says,
Eric (as D'var): Ah…you know this doesn’t feel as great as I thought it would. Oh well. [short pause] Bye.
Eric: And he just walks off into his statue. Ze’ol’s headless body is still standing there and uh, it reaches into its blazer pocket and pulls out a mason jar and holds it out to Tracey.
Brandon: Tracey grabs the mason jar.
Eric: And inside is a miniaturized version of Ze’ol’s head with googly gold eyes, a flat cap, and wrinkles everywhere.
Brandon (as Tracey): This…is pretty good.
Eric: And in a quiet voice you hear,
Eric (as Ze'ol): [quiet, stifled] Should have thought that something like this would happen. So, alright, where are we goin?
Amanda: [laughing] Oh no…
Brandon: And Tracey wraps it in like 30 blankets…
[Eric laughs, voice gets even quieter from within jar]
Tracey does put like, I don’t know like, 60 gold at the foot of Adamah’s statue and then on a post-it note just writes, ‘For the jar’.
Eric: [chuckles] Nice! Uh, Alonzo looks at both of you and be like,
Eric (as Alonzo): I don’t want to be rude or anything because you did just save my life multiple times and I love you, but uh...
Amanda (as Inara): Aww…
Eric (as Alonzo): But you two look like shit. What happened?
Amanda (as Inara): Listen. We’re going to kill the Council and that will feel really good.
Eric (as Alonzo): Sure, yeah. Tracey what about you? Seemed like that was pretty cool.
Brandon (as Tracey): I…you know murder’s never cool.
[Eric laughs]
Amanda (as Inara): [under breath] I don’t know about that, murder can be kinda cool sometimes. Well…
Brandon (as Tracey): I don’t know Inara doesn’t seem very cool to me, but uh, it was a necessary end to a mean.
Let’s go uh, you guys want to kill a guy who thinks he’s a god, or?
Amanda (as Inara): We don’t have to kill him, all we have to do is put him away and do a better job than they did last time.
[triumphant melody]
Eric (as Alonzo): Good point, goo pint. Well, I’m in. Let’s do it.
[melody stops, pause]
Eric: You see that the fog that’s surrounding the inner chamber of the chapel is fading away, and you see that Brink and Chad are coming back into vision, and uh, the chains that used to hold Alonzo are coming back into vision. Someone has pushed them over to the side, and they’re no longer around Alonzo’s ankles. And, as you’re coming back into the real world, you hear trumpets.
[trumpets blare]
Like a hundred heralds at the same time. And then a microphone being pulled over and says,
Eric (as the Council of Bright): [pitchy, echoing over microphone] Introducing, the one, the only…the master of energy, the ruler of robots, you’re favorite and mine, THE COUNCIL OF BRIGHT!!!
Eric: And like a twenty-piece band has broken out into a jaunty dance song.
[jazzy band music]
And it sounds like a party is going on on the other side of the manor.
[music gets jauntier and louder, fading into theme music]