The boys are back in town (the boys are back in toooooown). And by boys, I mean our party. The speaker needs Inara, Johnny and Tracey back at once. A delegation from Cronopolis is coming and there’s no time to lose. Inara snacks. Tracey tells jokes. Johnny is at the top of the pyramid.
- RNW, an independent designer based in the UK making all sorts of cute and useful things for D&D 5e. Use code JOINTHEPARTY for 10% off your purchase through September 15, 2018 at http://r-n-w.net
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Cast & Crew
- Dungeon Master: Eric Silver
- TR8c (Tracey): Brandon Grugle
- Inara Harthorn: Amanda McLoughlin
- Johnny B. Goodlight: Michael Fische
- Multitude: multitude.productions
Join the Party is a collaborative storytelling and roleplaying podcast. That means four friends create a story together, chapter by chapter, that everyone from seasoned players to true beginners can enjoy. Where else can you get adventure, intrigue, magic, drama, and lots of high fives all in one place? Right here.
After each episode we sit down for the Afterparty, where we break down our game and answer your questions about how to play Dungeons & Dragons and other roleplaying games at home. We also have the Punchbowl, an interview series with people pushing D&D forward creatively, communally and socially. It’s a party, and you’re invited! Find out more at jointhepartypod.com.
Amanda: Last time on Join The Party…
Eric: Our party goes their separate ways and ties up some loose ends. Keeping his promise to Noto Oto, Johnny lectures about the Light and Dark working together. In his fervor, he finds his calling as a cleric.
Michael (as Johnny): Just because this is a piece of the Undying Light doesn’t mean that we all don’t have a piece of the Undying Light and the Undying Shadow within us all.
Eric: Tracey goes to the library with Chad the Human and uncovers more about his past. Turns out that warforged have been around long enough to be memorialized in nursery rhymes.
Eric (as Bella): I thought warforged were just a story.
Brandon (as Tracey): I’m in the livin’ flesh, baby.
Eric: Inara moves to leave in the middle of the night, but not before truly ending it with Representative Brink. She nabs a motorcycle and rides back to Fidapolis with Alonzo in the sidecar.
Eric (as Alonzo): Ha! Got ’em!
Amanda (as Inara): Cool that’s totally not what I would have decided anyway.
Eric: A new arc appears: LISTEN. ITEM. POKEMON. RUN. Let’s get the party started.
[greenhouse sounds, many birds chirping]
Eric: Fish, you finished your TED Talk stay at the compound.
Michael: I like to think that my tenure as- just a prophet really, has been a successful one. I have gotten some people to believe in both the existence of the Light and Shadow and the need of balancing them. I think some of the goals that Johnny found was finding more of an inner peace, and figuring out his balance with the Undying Light and Shadow, and I- and you know what, I think that he was impressed with Alice’s interest in it that he’s created a whole tier system of propheteering, we’ll call it. You know, from prophet-tier-ing? So it’s a whole propheteering-
Amanda: I’m amazed that that isn’t the title of a book on false prophet con men.
Amanda: That’s extraordinarily good.
Brandon: I think there is one now.
Michael: I think I’m writing it right now.
Amanda: It’s in the making. TM, TM, TM.
Eric: By Johnny B. Goodlight.
Michael: So you know in this-
Michael: Johnny’s head prophet, and Alice is associate prophet.
Eric: Vice prophet.
Michael: Mmm… no, that’s too high up-
Eric: No, she doesn’t make VP?
Michael: She doesn’t make VP.
Eric: It’s still VP though.
Michael: It is indeed.
Eric: So I think that at the end, everyone is shaking your hand and saying how much you’ve affected them, and a lot of them have come over to the Undying Light. They wear necklaces that have little light bulbs at the end of it-
Michael: You know, I had- Well if anything, they have necklaces similar to my Sun Stone which I always forget I have.
Eric: Yeah. I think it’s pretty similar to that. They try to- they light it themselves using that whole mechanic thing we’ve talked about a little bit.
Eric: And Noto Oto is like letting you have your last goodbyes. She’s like
Eric (as Noto Oto): Johnny, it has been such a pleasure having you here for you to light up our life.
Eric: And everyone goes, “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha,” [chuckling diplomatically]
Michael: And whenever anyone uses the word light, I obviously like do some light effects.
Eric: Do your little pew-pew-pew, yeah.
Eric (as Noto Oto): Johny, I just wanna tell you that for me personally you have just been-
That was… I- for me, I just wanna tell you that I’ve had such an emotional-
Alright, who’s knocking?! I’m trying to have an emotional moment with my new spiritual advisor!
Eric: One of the people in the crowd- you know what, it’s Kevin Vacation-
Michael: Oh, dear.
Eric: He stayed.
Michael: Are we friends?
Eric: Yeah, Kevin sees you as like a life coach now, and I think you’ve mended your differences. He’s like
Eric (as Kevin Vacation): Ah, dude, there’s a bird at the window!
Eric: Everyone turns around, and there’s a bombilate at the window-
-outside of the greenhouse, that’s knocking with its beak.
Michael: I recognize this bombilate?
Eric: Yeah, it’s one of the bombilates from Fidapolis.
Michael: A friend!
Eric: A friend!
Michael: I offer it a gross sandwich and a glass of sugar water.
Eric: [chuckling] It’s good.
Amanda: It’s a feast!
Eric: Someone goes over to the window and lets the bombilate in,
[buzzing and chirping]
And in its claws, it’s a note. And it says,
“To Jonathan B. Goodlight…”
Michael: Not my name. So I will not read it. That’s against the law.
[all burst out laughing].
Don’t know who this Jonathan is. It’s not me.
Eric: I’m upset. I’m upset that you got me with that. Well, as you- you choose not to do it. Noto-
Amanda: There’s exactly one federal crime in this loosely governed state- you know, collection of city-states, and its mail fraud.
Michael: Of all the laws I choose to pay attention to.
Amanda: Oh yeah.
Michael: This one and children's literacy are the most important laws.
Eric: Noto’s like
Eric (as Noto Oto): You’re not gonna take the note?
Michael: I scratch off the “Jonathan” and write, “Johnny.”
Eric: And then you take it.
Michael: And then I read it.
Eric: And on the inside it says, “We need you. This is an emergency, as it were.”
[shimmering transition note]
Eric: Tracey, what have you been doing over these past few weeks?
Brandon: I’ve been trying to follow up on any lead that I’ve been able to find about the Council of Bright or warforged, trying to find out more about this children's’ storybook that I have, occasionally getting a happy hour drink with Chad and then awkwardly having to distance myself from them
Eric: Yeah, because Chad’s like
Eric (as Chad): Oh, hey, where are you staying?!
Brandon: And truthfully I can say
Brandon (as Tracey): I don’t know.
Brandon: Because every night it’s a different place.
Eric: The lonely life.
Michael: Lonely life.
Amanda: Do you like lay down on park benches? Do you stand next to a tree and just go on sentry mode with just like a branch on your head?
Eric: He could pretend to be a statue!
Amanda: That’s true as well. You wake up with like a bunch of dollar bills in a hat and you’re like, “Wow!”
Brandon: That is very good.
Eric: That’s interesting. That really puts a spin on the detective-down-on-his-luck. Do you have Five o’clock shadow?
Brandon: No. I’m a - I’m a tree man.
Michael: Rust. Rust. It’s five o’clock rust.
Amanda: Only twice a day.
Eric: Yeah. Okay, so let’s say about ten days after you found the children’s story about the warforged, where do you think you are?
Brandon: I think I’m at a university.
Brandon: Trying to follow up on any historical books I can find, talk to any professors of history that work there, just like sit in the back of classrooms of anything he wants to learn. Like Painting 101.
Eric: Walking by whiteboards and solving the math problems that are there.
Brandon: Yeah and as he sees some teens- some youths just walking by, just yelling
Brandon (as Tracey): Floof! How ya floofin’? How’s it floofin’?!
Michael: [groaning] Oh god, no.
Eric: It’s not working [snickering].
Brandon: It’s not working?
Eric: This is a totally different city slang. So, while Tracey I guess is running to another class-
Brandon: He has to turn in his homework.
Eric: You’ve ingratiate yourself so much- in ten days, you’ve ingratiated yourself so much that people are looking for your homework?
Brandon: No, no one knows he had it, he just took a- took the homework down and then just turned it in. And they’re like, “Who’s Tracey? Why do I have this paper?”
Eric: I think as you’re running to your next class, you feel a tap on your shoulder.
Brandon: And I turn around, and put my hand on my axe.
Eric: And it’s a bombilate!
And it’s flapping its wings really quickly, and it’s trying to- and it taps you on the shoulder again.
Brandon: [gasps] And I get really excited, and I pet them on the head.
Eric: And in their claw, there’s a note for you.
Brandon: [getting excited] And I take the note! And I- do I have any sugar water on me? I don’t know- I give some water though.
Eric: And the bombilate drinks from it, and it says, “Tracel” on it.
Brandon (as Tracey): That’s not my name.
Brandon: I say out loud to the bombilate.
Eric: Uh, no it says, “Tracey,” but it says, “care of,” all these different places, like care of the park, care of this shady motel, care of the town square, and keeps crossing it out and wherever someone saw this warforged and an ooze following quickly behind him. And on the inside, you open it up and it says,
“Tracey. There’s an emergency. We need your help, as it were.”
[shimmering transition note]
[birds chirping, crickets chirping, meadow sounds]
Eric: Inara, what’s it like in Fidapolis without your friends?
Amanda: I am mostly hanging out in the city. I’m not hanging about the castle that much. I went to see Stoneface and had a little stoic heart-to-heart with him. He gave me romantic advice. Then I’m mostly just kind of prowling the city with Oatcake and without her, keeping to myself.
Eric: Okay, so outside of Kiko Castle, I think you’re just tooling around on the Grind Machine, just like on the driveway, just doing kickflips and messing around, and, um, you see a rustling [rustling sound] in the tree line.
Amanda: I take the Grind Machine to a halt and kneel down, pretending to get something out of one of the wheels, but I am assessing the situation and trying to see what’s coming out of the trees.
Eric: The sound is getting louder, and you hear
Eric (as Alonzo): Ow! No, ow! Leave me- get out of here! No! No!
Amanda: I take my hand off of my dagger, stand up, and walk over towards the trees.
Eric: And Alonzo is getting bothered by a bombilate that has found him in the treeline.
Amanda (as Inara): [sighs] Alonzo, what are you doing?
Eric (as Alonzo): I was trying to sneak up on you, because I’m very sneaky.
Amanda (as Inara): But I won hide and seek, that was yesterday!
Eric (as Alonzo): I wanted a rematch because you were definitely cheating. You can’t turn into a ghost. That is not fair.
Amanda (as Inara): Listen, no one said I couldn’t use my special items, okay?
Eric (as Alonzo): I did! I said explicitly! Don’t use your special items!
Amanda (as Inara): [sarcastically] So weird, I didn’t hear it, I don’t know…
Eric (as Alonzo): That’s so- I hate it! That’s so weird.
Eric: So this bombilate has two letters in it. Both of them are addressed to Alonzo. One is like very ornate and it’s sealed with- it’s a circle with a big tree in the middle, and the other one is just written on a piece of note paper, but it’s also sealed and it has a big, “N,” in wax. So Alonzo opens up the ornate one.
Eric (as Alonzo): Oh, this is an envoy missive. A delegation from Cronopolis is coming here. That’s weird. Um, I mean, I knew Greg was staying in Cronopolis, but he doesn’t have to formally come and hang out with me like that. We haven’t done that since we were dating. That’s weird. You think that’s weird?
Amanda (as Inara): Um… I- maybe he wants you to get him a surprise. Like a- like an elaborate chocolate and fruit tree.
Eric (as Alonzo): Oh man, like a fruit basket?
Amanda (as Inara): Yeah, but like in the shape of a tree.
Amanda: I’m trying to say Edible Arrangements, Eric.
Eric: Um, yeah, you’ve noticed since you’ve been in Fidapolis and it’s taken like two or three days to get back to Fidapolis from Tortipolis, Greg just hasn’t been there.
Eric: And Alonzo just assumed, oh he went home. And he’s been pretty chill about it.
Amanda: Alright, I definitely haven't been asking him about it, but I have been a little, I think nicer to Alonzo than I would otherwise, because it strikes me as kind of… not strange, but not ideal, and I have a little bit of sympathy for him.
Eric: Sure. And Alonzo opens up the other letter, and he reads it, and you see his face start to twist up, and he’s like
Eric (as Alonzo): So Greg, um.... Yeah, Greg went home for a reason.
[sound of a pen writing]
PJ (as Greg):
Why do we keep talking in letters? Wasn’t the whole point of getting married doing things together? Walking the gardens, buying sweet fruits in the market, and the entire time we just back-and-forth, a constant strain, like the background of rain as we try to sleep through the night.
I don’t know where you are, and my entire life is frantic. I can’t do anything. I speak in half sentences and nonsense. I had to repeat myself ten times to get oatmeal for breakfast today. The cooks couldn’t understand, “You know, hot mush for the morning times.”
I let you almost get me killed. I let you take this big important role. I let you almost get yourself killed by a whale monster. I let you sling arrows at targets for days. I will not let you play me like a fool. I’m going home. We’re taking Gregina. Our fathers negotiated, and let her stand trial in Cronopolis, so you don’t bust in and cut someone’s limbs off.
My hand cannot write anymore. You come get me when you’re done saving the world.
Eric (as Alonzo): That’s pretty bad, huh?
Amanda (as Inara): I think we’ve gotta go to Cronopolis, bud.
[shimmering transition note]
[birds, crickets chirping]
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): [shouting] INara! Inara! Please, I need to speak with you immediately! Inara! I’m not wearing the right shoes to be outside! Please, where are you?
Michael: I have a question, when you can fly, do you need shoes?
Eric: It’s a formal thing.
Michael: Okay, that’s fair.
Amanda: I’m gonna gesture to Alonzo and walk toward the Speaker, bombilate flying ahead of us.
Eric: Yeah, the Speaker is standing outside the castle. She’s wearing her casual robes-
Eric: So there are only three layers.
Amanda: Oh, wow
Amanda: Does that include a waistcoat?
Brandon: Amateur. Amateur, Fish.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Alonzo, I- I guess you got the message... Oops!
That was supposed to come from me.
Eric: The Speaker puts her hand out and like stiffly pats Alonzo on the shoulder.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): [stiffly] Yes, I know when I have to do diplomatic relationships with people I love it’s very confusing for me. Um…
Amanda: My head cocks to the side like, “Huh?!”
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): You know it’s always what my mother used to tell me, is that states have to negotiate, and it’s more important than whoever you care about.
Eric: And she continues to pat him on the shoulder.
Michael: Roll for actually a robot.
Amanda: My faces that emoji with the two big eyes and just perfectly round mouth.
Eric: And Alonzo says
Eric (as Alonzo): Thank- thank you… I am trying- [mumbling] doing my best… [speaking up] did we get different- did you also get that same letter?
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Yes, the people from Cronopolis are coming. They have something to talk to you about.
Eric (as Alonzo): Okay, no we didn’t get the same letter. Oh no. I’m gonna- I gotta- I’m gonna go to my- gonna go to my room, and I’m gonna get some snacks… and I’ll see you… I’ll see you later.
Eric: Alonzo goes inside.
Amanda: As soon as he shuts the castle door behind him, I’m gonna turn to the Speaker and say
Amanda (as Inara): We need to make sure that he doesn’t sneak out again.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Oh no, I don’t think he would do that. We- I’m having people watch him. It’s fine. We’re fine.
[Brandon laughing very intentionally]
Michael: We’re good at this.
Brandon: We’re not here. Just an ephemeral ghost-
Eric: The bombilate’s like, “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Why is- why is Alonzo so torn up about the Cronopolis people coming? I thought it would be nice for him to see Greg. I know it’s his first time doing diplomatic relationships, but i thought he would be okay.
Amanda (as Inara): Yeah, what’s the- what’s the deal? Why did Greg go back?
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): I mean no one wants to stay in the castle by themselves. Why, did something happen?
Amanda (as Inara): Uhhh [making “I dunno” sound]
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Well, alright, well I guess it’ll be fine. Anyway, people from Cronopolis are coming, and I think they need you, and him, and the rest of your, um, so-called, as it were… um, scrappy young friends. Where are they? The tall one and the one with the less good robes?
Amanda (as Inara): Uh, yeah, I don’t- I don’t really know where they went- went off to. So like what’s Cronopolis deal? What are they all about?
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Oh! You don't- Oh! I can tell you! That’s perfect, I love history!
Amanda (as Inara): You know me, distracting authority figures with pedagogy.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): That’s good. You know what, I can- wait, give me-
Eric: She looks up at the sky and is observing the angle of the sun.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Thirty… seven seconds.
Eric: Inara and the Speaker wait there.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Any moment now, I know it’s coming.
Eric: And Inara counts down in her head like, “okay, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…”
[sound of a wooden carriage and hooves]
And over the horizon, Joe the Camel starts clomping up with Johnny and Tracey sitting atop the coach from before.
Brandon (as Tracey): John, are we there yet?
Michael (as Johnny): It’s been four days, we took a left-
Brandon (as Tracey): Johnny, I have to peeeeee!
Michael (as Johnny): When we should have taken a right!
Brandon (as Tracey): Johnny! Johnny I have to pee!
Michael (as Johnny): And it’s your fault that you weren’t looking at the map!
Brandon (as Tracey): Johnny! Johnny…
Michael (as Johnny): I can’t-
Brandon (as Tracey): [singing] 99 bottles of health potion on the wall, 99 bottles of health potion…
Johnny, wanna play a game?
Michael (as Johnny): Last time we tried playing a game, we lost four hours.
Brandon (as Tracey): Johnnyyyy…
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): There they are, just like I knew they would show.
Michael (as Johnny): I really don’t wanna do this again.
Brandon (as Tracey): I don’t wanna do this either.
Michael (as Johnny): Next time, we take a unicycle.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Boys! [claps twice] Come here! We have things to deal with.
Eric: Okay, the Cronopolis people are going to show up in about three days’ time. So over the next three days, the Speaker tires to give you the lo-down of what their deal is. So it turns out that Cronopolis as like a formal city-state, hasn't come into being until only 300 years ago.
A group of druids discovered something amazing. After years of experimentation, these druids were able to turn farmland that was out in the Western part of the Concentric States that was unsettled, a perfect circle of fifty miles in diameter, into paradise. The crops can be harvested day, after day, after day, only ours after being planted. Animals always just get fatter and fatter, and the air always bears a warm pleasant smell.
It seems like time is literally frozen there, kept in a perfect early autumn afternoon that never ends. So it’s kind of a big deal that Alonzo and Greg were gonna get married in the first place, because Cronopolis was really gonna climb in the power rankings.
Michael: So who ya gotta sacrifice to get such nice weather?
Eric: That’s a good question. No one is exactly sure. Even the Speaker’s like- This seems pretty unnatural but I’m not really sure how they’re doing it.
In terms of history, I think that you know that there were other city-states that were there before with other -opolis names, but I mean it’s kind of like the way that we feel about Prussia, like- Oh that’s weird that these are not the same countries that are on our globe now as they were later.
So the Speaker’s like
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): I don’t exactly know why people are coming here, but they should be- they might have a good reason, and I assume it’s to follow up on the whole Gregina thing.
Brandon (as Tracey): Why do they want us specifically? Why did we get letters? What are you asking for us?
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): They summoned all of you in the missive that I got from them.
Brandon (as Tracey): Alright, well-
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): So I can only assume that having all of you here is important, and also you still work for the betterment of the Concentric States.
Brandon (as Tracey): We’ve gotta talk about that later, but okay, we’ll see what they wanna say.
Amanda (as Inara): We like literally just got back from almost dying a bunch in Tortipolis. Do we even know these people? Do we trust them? Like, what gives, lady?
Brandon (as Tracey): Why are there no bagels? I expect bagels.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Tracey you ate three this morning, and you can’t even eat!
Michael (as Johnny): How did you not warn us that we were going to be taken against our will into a weird game of things?
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): I don’t know everything. I do think you were all very good-
Brandon (as Tracey): [under his breath] So you’re selective with what you know...
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): On the Bachelorette Tournament. I was rooting for Johnny, I won ten dollars in my pool!
Brandon (as Tracey): [sighing] You bet on… okay… we have to talk.
Amanda (as Inara): So are we splitting that winning three ways, or...?
Michael (as Johnny): Yeah, when are we getting any sort of payment from you?
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Uh… [laughs] oof. Oh, look at-
Eric: And she looks over at the sky.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Oh, look at the time! The Cronopolis people should be here any moment!
Eric: Uh, yeah, the Speaker, after you badgered her a bunch, she gives you very hefty bags that have three hundred gold pieces each!
Amanda: [sarcastically] Woooooow…
Eric: I mean five hundred gold pieces each!
Amanda: Slightly better…
Brandon: Oh I feel so compensated…
Michael: I would like a deed to at least ten acres of land on a hillside with a stream or river nearby.
Brandon: I want a motorcycle.
Amanda: I want a boat.
Michael: And Cap’n Alex’s private number.
Amanda: Listen! Listen! Listen!
Eric: The Speaker’s just like
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Alright, fine, yes, fine! Just take it! Please just take it!
Michael: Deed to private abode.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): I need- tick tock! They wouldn’t be coming here unless they knew something was going on and they had a good reason.
Brandon (as Tracey): I need sidecars as well.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): That’s- Two. you can have two sidecars.
Amanda (as Inara): My- my boat’s called the Downtown World.
Michael (as Johnny): I want it to be a full ranch now. It’s very large.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): No, we already signed the deed. Jonathan, please.
Michael (as Johnny): Rancho Idealo. It’s a ranch-
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): [exasperated] Call it whatever you want! I do not-
Brandon (as Tracey): The goggles and s scarf?
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Bring your own! No! It’s BYO Scarf! I’m sorry!
Michael (as Johnny): You’re absolutely invited to our first barbecue.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): I am running out of things that I can promise people, excuse me.
Michael (as Johnny): Can I have the entire fourth floor of the castle?
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): No! No!
Michael (as Johnny): It’s too late, I take it.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): It’s not mine!
Amanda (as Inara): Can I have a heard of bombilates? A flock? A murder? Whatever they’re called? Huh?
Brandon (as Tracey): A pride?
Amanda (as Inara): I’d say a murder.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): I do not own those! Please talk to Stoneface, I’m sorry.
Michael (as Johnny): Could I have an evening alone with you?
[all cracking up laughing]
Amanda: To braid each other’s hair and talk about studies.
Michael: It’s a dinner. I invite you do a dinner.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): I am emotionally unavailable at the moment, I’m sorry.
Michael (as Johnny): You're always emotionally unavailable…
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): It’s- there you go! It’s- please, please, please.
Michael (as Johnny): Can I meet your mom?
Amanda: Sometime between now and whenever they show up, I want to go to the library in the castle, and I haven’t met Ella the librarian yet, but I’m gonna ask her or whoever the staff is at the desk of the latest copy of the Cronopolis Gazette, or whatever their newspaper is. I wanna just see what’s going on, what they’re thinking about, what’s happening in Cronopolis.
Michael: Also, could I like hang out with Huey, Dewey, and Louie?
Michael: Since I haven’t seen them.
Amanda: Tammy and Taylor are so grown.
Eric: Tammy and Taylor have braces now, it’s cute.
Eric: You walk up to the library, and you ring the bell [bell rings] at the front desk, and you hear
Eric (as Ella): [echoing, in spooky ghost voice] Ooooooo!
Amanda (as Inara): Uh- hi- hello?
Eric (as Ella): Oooooo! I’m a ghost in the library!
Amanda (as Inara): Um, okay, I just- I wanna learn and read and stuff, so I just- I thought I’d come here.
Eric: Ella the gnome comes out and she’s like
Eric (as Ella): You are a lot harder to scare than your other friend.
Amanda: Inara is going to lean her elbow onto the front desk and coquettishly move one shoulder toward her chin.
Eric (as Ella): How can- how can I help you.
Amanda (as Inara): Um, so-
Amanda: I’m gonna toss my hair a little so it flops over my ear.
Amanda (as Inara): I uh- I really wanted to just, you know, brush up on current events, be up to date in the world, be a true global citizen, and I was wondering- do you have any newspapers from Cronopolis please?
Eric (as Ella): Uh, yeah, sure, no problem.
Eric: She tries to coquettishly flirt back, but it’s really she just like smashes her own face with her shoulder.
Amanda: [giggling] Inara’s going to laugh and then kind of drop her shoulder to normal posture and be like
Amanda (as Inara): Hey yo what’s up I’m Inara.
Eric: Nice. Um, yeah, she goes to the back, grabs a copy of- it’s the Cronopolis Sun Times. It’s also like in that weird plastic that like all the magazines in your library is encased in.
Amanda: Oh! I thought it was gonna come on a stick like on a towel holder. You know in the library they have those like sticks?
Michael: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Amanda: It’s awesome.
Eric: It’s both on a stick and covered in plastic.
Eric (as Ella): James spills things on my newspapers all the time, and I would really like it if no one did that.
Amanda (as Inara): Don’t worry man, I’ll take good care of it.
Eric: So on the front page, it says, “Cronopolis Seasonal Affective Disorder,” and there's like three photos stacked on top of each other of the landscape of Cronopolis. And the first one is that nice fall scene that the Speaker was describing to you. The next one, it’s like everything is in spring bloom, like there’s flowers everywhere and everything is like green, and below it is winter. And the caption says, “All of these photos were taken on the same day in Cronopolis.”
[shimmering transition note]
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[shimmering transition note]
Now let’s get back to the show.
Eric: Hey, guess what, team?
Brandon: What is it?
Amanda: Chicken butt?
Brandon: What are we doing?
Eric: You’re Level 8!
Eric: Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-da! You’ve gained two levels from the Bachelorette Tournament. So what happens to all of you at Level 8? Let’s start with Inara.
Amanda: So I gain some hit points and ability score improvement, and I also gain the ability of Evasion, so whenever I have to make a Dex saving throw, where normally when I’d make a Dex saving throw then I’d take half damage, now instead I get no damage at all if I succeed on that roll, but if I fail the roll, I only get half damage.
Eric: You are so good at avoiding things, and your Dexterity is wicked high now. Brandon, what happened to your character?
Brandon: Woo! I am now a Level 3 in artificer, which means I get a couple things. The biggest thing I get is magiiic. So I have the spells Alarm, Sanctuary and Cure Wounds. So now we have a healer.
Eric: [excited] You can Cure Wounds?
Eric: Oh my god.
Brandon: In addition to my previous rituals, which were Mending, Identify, and Detect Magic. And I also get his thing called Thunder Monger, which as an action-
Eric and Brandon: Feel the thun-dah!
All: Lightning and the thun-dah!
Brandon: I get a special attack with my cannon that can deal an extra 1d6 thunder damage on a hit.
Eric: Oh dang. I hope that you roll well enough to use that.
Brandon: Yeah, me too. And then I also started building things.
Eric: [laughing] You didn’t lead with that?
Brandon: Which we will see what I build in the game.
Michael: Hey. Hey, Eric.
Michael: Guess what happened with me.
Eric: I don't know, Fish, have you done anything interesting over the last few weeks in terms of your character?
Michael: So I feel like Johnny used his time as a prophet to multiclass into Cleric.
Michael: Into specifically the Cleric in the Light Domain. I know, shocking that Johnny would pick the Light Domain.
Amanda: Out of character.
Brandon: I am so surprised.
Michael: I know.
Amanda: Frankly disappointing. You think you know a person, and then-
Brandon: Then they just go change on you.
Michael: Warlocks are fine, but I want more spells, which is something that being a Cleric does give me, is I have a ton more spells.
Brandon: What do you have?
Michael: Well, I have Faery Fire as a Level 1 spell. I also got more cantrips, because everyone needs more cantrips. I went for two that are just gonna be helpful, Guidance and Resistance.
Michael: I also got Friends, which is a fun spell because-
Eric: You got Friends! Congratulations
Brandon: A fun 90s sitcom.
Michael: But, there’s more, because obviously I am a cleric in the Light Domain, which means more health for me, more spell slots, more everything in that, blah, blah, blah, blah. I also get two cool things. Warding Flare lets me impose Disadvantage whenever I want. I get a certain number +1 per rest. And then Radiance of the Dawn, once per rest I dispel darkness and do radiant damage to hostiles, and it’s a lot of damage. So get ready for just like, “Pa-cha!”
Brandon: I’m scared of Johnny now.
Michael: Johnny does a lot of damage.
Brandon: How much health do you have?
Michael: I have now 70 health.
Brandon: Wow, I’m only at 81.
[shimmering transition note]
[crickets, birds chirping]
Eric: Three days later, when the Cornopolis delegation is supposed to show up, the Speaker has pulled all of you to the front of the lawn. Johnny and Tracey, you notice that Alonzo’s not there. Actually, you haven't seen Alonzo your entire time in Kiko Castle.
Michael: We weren’t particularly looking for him though.
Eric: I figured, but I figured I should let you know.
Amanda: How nice.
Eric: So the Speaker says
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Uh, okay, you know this usually isn’t the delegation that I’m working with, but we are receiving another political party to come here, so I want everyone to be on their best behavior and act… properly and accordingly and we’re gonna get- put our best feet forward. You are representatives of Concentra and stewards of the Concentric States and we are all here to do our good things together. How does that sound?
Brandon (as Tracey): Do we do anything else usually?
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): No, but this is-
Brandon (as Tracey): I feel like we’re always the most proper people in a room right?
Amanda: Inara pops a bubble gum bubble in front of the Speaker’s face.
Michael (as Johnny): I don’t mean to say that you are wrong there, but I these days am representing a religion. But I’m glad to be here as your religious adviser.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Oh no. No.
Michael: Johnny’s wearing his- he has a new overall outfit. It’s-
Brandon: He’s wearing overalls?!
Amanda: No floral jumpsuit?!
Michael: Nope, nope, nope-
Amanda: Floral jumpsuit!
Brandon: [chanting] Floral jumpsuit!
Michael: Nope, nope-
Amanda and Brandon: [chanting] Floral jumpsuit! Floral jumpsuit!
Brandon: Floral… jumpsuit…
Michael: Johnny is wearing his fancy version of his new prophet outfit. The new prophet outfit includes a very fancy sun hat that includes a bunch of religious iconography, basically his doodles.
So that’s the sunhat. The robe is a nice fancy version of one of his robes. Underneath is a pair of overalls, because I really like that idea, all full of flowers and light and darkness. It seems to be moving, trying to become a balance within the entire outfit, one might say.
Michael: Socks and sandals, one sock is white, one sock is black, and the sandals are regular.
Eric: I like it.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Johnny, I’m not even going to bring up the fact that you are the prophet of a different religion and I am literally birthed from the gods of a separate religion. We’re not even gonna get into this. That’s how important today needs to go, okay?
Michael (as Johnny): You need a vacation.
Eric: And while the Speaker is putting her hands- her face in her hands, you feel a rumble underneath your feet, [rumbling sound begins] and it’s like it’s permeating the space, and it’s heading right towards you.
You look down the hill, and there are ten people astride massive motorcycles that are tearing up the hill of Kiko Castle. All ten do sick powerslide, just like right into the grass and she’s like
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Oh no.
Eric: And the driver in the middle takes off their helmet. You see the face of a full sized parrot, with red, blue, and yellow plumage sticking directly up because they have helmet hair.
Amanda: Inara’s mouth falls open.
Eric: The first thing the rider says as he climbs off his massive Harley Davidson motorcycle is
Eric (as parrot): Where the hell is Alonzo?! I’m gonna kick that dude’s ass!
Brandon (as Tracey): Um, very rude. You’re in a new area. Could say hello first. We brought some bagels for you.
Michael (as Johnny): We’re all men of peace, so why don’t you calm the heck down.
Eric (as parrot): I’m sorry, this is just a thing that I want to do with my life is that when someone breaks up with my best friend, I’m gonna go kick his ass!
Amanda (as Inara): What do you mean broke up with?!
Eric (as parrot): I’m sorry! I heard from my best friend, Greg, you might know him, prince of Cronopolis, all around good guy- we’ve hung out, we’ve been best friends since we were kids. I was a little bird guy, he was a little man guy. And I’m gonna kick his ex-husband, boyfriend’s, whatever you wanna call it’s- ASS.
Michael (as Johnny): Ex… husband…
Eric (as parrot): I’m gonna take him-
Michael (as Johnny): Ex-husband?
Amanda (as Inara): They’re not exes.
Eric (as parrot): You’re lying. Okay, alright, okay- I came in a little hot. I came in a little hot here.
Amanda (as Inara): Ya think?!
Eric (as parrot): Just a little bit. I just have strong feelings about Alonzo, that’s fine.
Michael (as Johnny): Don’t we all! Hi, I’m Johnny B. Goodlight.
Eric (as parrot): Well, hello, what is going on my dude? My name is Bridge and I am here on behalf of Cronopolis, because we are having a problem, and only one of which is that punk-face Alonzo.
Michael (as Johnny): Listen, if you want to talk- swap stories about that punk-face, you know you can talk to me.
Eric (as Bridge): I will! He’s a punk-face!
Michael (as Johnny): Listen, we can talk hours about this, but how about we go- here let’s meet the rest of the gang. This is Tracey-
Brandon (as Tracey): Whadduuuup.
Michael (as Johnny): -Inara, and you know the Speaker, she the best.
Eric (as Bridge): Tracey, nice to see you.
Brandon (as Tracey): ‘Sup.
Eric: He’s shorter than you are, so he like flaps his wings to get up to your level and get face level with you.
Eric (as Bridge): Hello.
Brandon (as Tracey): Yo. How’s it hangin’?
Eric (as Bridge): Pretty good. Chill.
Brandon (as Tracey): You’ve got a nice bike.
Amanda (as Inara): You sound super chill.
Eric (as Bridge): Uh, you know what-
Brandon (as Tracey): I like your bike.
Eric (as Bridge): Thank you. I like your bike. Vintage.
Brandon (as Tracey): Thanks. Yeah.
Eric (as Bridge): It’s nice.
Brandon (as Tracey): Thank you.
Eric (as Bridge): Speaker, hello, it is nice to see you. I was not anticipating you being here during our distress call, but I guess I don’t anticipate a lot of things ahead of me in the future.
Brandon (as Tracey): Yeah, like a driveway you could have taken, or…
Eric (as Bridge): Uh, we’re off-road motorcycles. This guy- this guy with the jokes here.
Michael (as Johnny): He’s just full of jokes.
Eric (as Bridge): He’s so good at jokes.
Eric: And the Speaker says
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Uh… Bridge, it’s nice to see you. I was… anticipating more of a formal delegation of people, as we usually do together… when we interact with each other… but tearing up the capitol building of a separate [sighs]... city-state is fine as well. Okay. Alright.
Amanda: I’m gonna kind of exchange glances with Johnny.
Michael (as Johnny): But of course the Kiko family welcomes you regardless of, you know, your mode of transportation. In fact, I’m sure we have some-
Amanda (as Inara): Snacks!
Michael (as Johnny): -food and more drinks inside. Let’s go take a- let’s go all hang ten, as the kids say, into the conference room.
Amanda (as Inara): Dads, am I right?
Amanda: And I’m going to kind of push Johnny ahead of us towards the castle.
Eric (as Bridge): Ha-ha! Dads. Nice.
Brandon: Dad swipe.
Amanda: Dad swipe!
Eric: [laughs] It’s Johnny walking across the street. Yeah, Bridge is sitting in the conference room and the ten other people he brought with them are also just kind of lounging around, they’re just sitting around. They’re still clad in like their leather jackets they were wearing on top of their motorcycles.
Amanda: What are they like? What’s their vibe?
Michael: Do they all keep their helmets on so they become unidentifiable?
Amanda: What kind of shoes are they wearing?
Eric: That’s kind of dope.
Eric: So they all keep their helmets on, they're all wearing leather jackets, and like big black boots, and then there's Bridge just with his bright hair, and the feathers it turns out is not helmet hair, their feathers literally just stick up directly.
Amanda: Oh yeah.
Michael: Like a mohawk. Very cool.
Amanda: It’s awesome.
Eric: But I think since Bridge is no longer like really angry at the moment, they’re all just kind of hanging out and chilling.
Michael: We’re swapping Alonzo stories, we’re just trying to break the ice and keep things cool.
Amanda: And we are definitely eating those formal hors-d'oeuvres that the Speaker put out.
Eric: Of course.
Brandon: Yeah, what do we got? Salmon crostini?
Eric: What would you like to be there?
Brandon: Salmon crostini.
Eric: Okay, there’s some salmon crostini.
Amanda: Definitely want some shrimps.
Eric: Scrimps? Scrimps are there.
Brandon: Apple cider donuts?
Amanda: I want some tiny little tarts. Little fruit tarts.
Eric: There you go.
Michael: Can we get a variety of dips?
Michael: With crudités.
Amanda: Ooo! Crudités up the wazoo.
Eric: Sure. Spinach dip, french onion dip.
Eric: Bridge is taking the crostinis and dipping it in the dips, untraditionally.
Brandon: [whispering] Oh god…
Eric (as Bridge): Man, you gotta- next level stuff. Dips are not just for dipping traditional things.
Brandon (as Tracey): [muttering] Can you just- can you just-
Michael: I am Prestidigitating- I am-
Eric: [laughing] Food hack!
Michael: I am cleaning the dips every time that Bridge does that, with Prestidigitation.
Eric: That’s good.
Michael: I’m cleaning the dips.
Eric (as Bridge): Okay, so the last time I saw Alonzo, he came to Cronopolis, he brought- pleas- get this! He brought five different types of formal shoes and no other shoes.
Amanda (as Inara): Nice.
Michael (as Johnny): What?
Amanda (as Inara): Sounds like our boy.
Eric (as Bridge): Just like spats.
Amanda (as Inara): Sounds like our boy.
Michael (as Johnny): Thats crazy.
Eric (as Bridge): Like that’s it.
Michael (as Johnny): I just can’t believe it.
Eric (as Bridge): I know. Like he did bring one pair of sneakers, but he didn't wear them because he said he didn’t want to get them dirty. Like who is this guy?!
Amanda (as Inara): Ooh, classic Alonzo.
Eric (as Bridge): Who is this guy?
Michael (as Johnny): That sounds like every story we have with him.
Eric (as Bridge): Yo, wait- whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Say that again.
Michael (as Johnny): That sounds like every story we have… of hanging out with him.
Eric (as Bridge): Yo, I recognize you three! You were on the Bachelorette Tournament!
Brandon (as Tracey): God…
Michael (as Johnny): Oh great.
Amanda (as Inara): Yeah…
Eric (as Bridge): No? I thought-
Michael (as Johnny): HOw do you feel about children’s literacy?
Eric (as Bridge): I feel great about them, I think children should read.
Michael (as Johnny): That’s great.
Amanda: Inara puts six shrimp in her mouth.
Eric: The Speaker is just like sitting at the front of the table-
Michael: I feel like I’ve taken control of the situation-
Eric: The Speaker’s like just-
Michael: Just sitting there.
Eric: Yeah, the Speaker’s just sitting there like
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Ah, I can’t- this is all so not protocol.
Amanda (as Inara): Food’s really good though. Good job on that.
Brandon (as Tracey): It’s delicious.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Amanda (as Inara): None of it’s gonna go to waste, don’t worry.
Eric: Bridge stands up and pushes his chair back and he’s like
Eric (as Bridge): Alright, here’s what’s going on, officially. This is official. Speaker, writing it down, okay, got it. I brought my own stenographer. No I didn’t. But that would be cool. Okay, here’s what’s going on.
The weather in Cronopolis is changing.
Eric: And the ten people behind Bridge are all just kind of like- they all sound bothered. Like if there was a caption at the bottom, it says, “Group sounds bothered.”
Michael (as Johnny): Bridge, are you saying that the weather outside is frightful?
Eric (as Bridge): I am.
Michael (as Johnny): Hmm.
Amanda (as Inara): But the shrimp are so delightful…
Eric (as Bridge): Okay, I don’t know if you- I guess you don’t understand because you’ve never been to my neck of the woods, but the weather in Cronopolis is never supposed to change, ever. Like it has been exactly the same for three hundred years. Speaker, I will admit to the fact that we need help, and please come and help up.
Michael (as Johnny): Do you guys have the proper clothing for cold weather and stuff?
Eric (as Bridge): No! Why would we need that?! It’s always… it’s terrible.
Brandon (as Tracey): Is that why you came here, you need jackets?
Eric (as Bridge): It’s so bad.
Michael (as Johnny): This is a humanitarian mission. We can take you all the nicest jackets.
Eric (as Bridge): Well…
Michael (as Johnny): Trust me, you join the Undying Light, and you’ll get-
Eric (as Bridge): Well…
Brandon (as Tracey): Jumpsuits.
Eric (as Bridge): Bruh, here’s the thing.
Michael (as Johnny): Yo.
Eric: And he turns to the Speaker and he says
Eric (as Bridge): Can I tell them… how?
Eric: And the Speaker says
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Yes, they’re cleared for all important information. They can know. It seems like it’s this bad, they need to know.
Eric (as Bridge): Hmm, okay, uh, okay. The original druids who… formed this city, they figured out how to keep the original circle that keeps the crops and the farms and all that stuff going, so the way that they did it- they found a… an artifact that would help them do that.
And… it turns out that that artifact had… ehhh… I mean it’s not a big deal, like it’s fine. We can deal with it, like it’s fine, but it turns out that that artifact had a literal piece of a god in it… and… now…
Brandon (as Tracey): Which piece?
Eric (as Bridge): Any piece… [laughs] joke-bot!
Michael (as Johnny): Which god?
Eric (as Bridge): Zeol. Ruler of the underworld. Turns out, also ruler of time. We figured out later… and he’s not happy about part of him being… locked in a… a thing for this long. And he is unhappy about that. And, yeah. Yeah.
Michael (as Johnny): So, if I am understanding correctly-
Eric (as Bridge): Yeah.
Amanda (as Inara): Do we have to punch a god?
Eric (as Bridge): … kind of, yeah. Kind of, maybe.
Brandon (as Tracey): Okay, um, I might be on the sidelines for this particular one…
Michael (as Johnny): I have a head cold and…
Brandon (as Tracey): Umm…
Amanda (as Inara): What’s the object?
Eric (as Bridge): Well, okay, it’s- it’s a compass, actually. Um, there’s a- there’s this idea, this legend that- it’s like a key that leads you through any maze or a labyrinth, labyrinth of time. So they call this, the compass, they call it the key to time. It’s a metaphor, I mean I didn’t- I didn’t come up with it.
Amanda (as Inara): Sounds pretty literal to me.
Eric (as Bridge): Yeah, I mean it’s a… it’s pretty good. Well, the thing is, you might not have to punch the god, as it is. He’s kind of… hmm, he’s kind of messing with our city a lot, and there’s like a lot of stuff happening.
Michael (as Johnny): So to clarify-
Eric (as Bridge): Yeah.
Michael (as Johnny): You’ve angered one of the Trinity.
Eric (as Bridge): Well…
Michael (as Johnny): You’ve angered one of the Trinity.
Eric (as Bridge): I’m gonna put a pin in that.
Michael (as Johnny): I mean, maybe you personally didn’t, but over 300 years, the people living in your area have angered, have angered-
Eric (as Bridge): Yeah, maybe-
Michael (as Johnny): -a member of the Trinity.
Eric (as Bridge): Somehow, I guess, yeah…
Michael (as Johnny): Not only one of, but the one that, I don’t know, rules the underworld.
Eric (as Bridge): Yeah.
Michael (as Johnny): And death.
Eric (as Bridge): Yeah.
Michael (as Johnny): Hmm. And have you thought about giving the artifact back?
Eric (as Bridge): There’s nowhere to give it exactly, I mean I’m not-
Brandon (as Tracey): You can’t just throw it up in the air, or like…?
Eric (as Bridge): Well I’m not a-
Amanda (as Inara): Bury it?
Brandon (as Tracey): Burying it’s a good idea.
Amanda (as Inara): Throw it in the ocean.
Brandon (as Tracey): Ocean!
Michael (as Johnny): Put it in a temple. Are there temples to the Trinity-?
Amanda (as Inara): Send it out to space!
Brandon (as Tracey): Space! She’s got it! Space. Have you tried space?
Eric (as Bridge): W- [sighs] I don’t want to say that we angered him. We don’t actually know why he- this part of… it was fine for like three hundred years. Like it wasn't us. The point is so that we need your help to do the thing, and these are all great- great points that you can bring up to the compass. And maybe you can talk to him, talk to that- talk to it for us? That would be nice.
Brandon (as Tracey): Talk to a compass?
Eric (as Bridge): Yeah. Well the god- the piece of the god inside of the compass.
Amanda (as Inara): You guys can’t?
Eric (as Bridge): They don’t wanna talk- they don’t wanna talk to us.
Brandon (as Tracey): Just like moody or in the room?
Eric (as Bridge): No-
Michael (as Johnny): I don’t wanna like-
Amanda (as Inara): Did you talk about it behind it’s back?
Eric (as Bridge): No…
Amanda (as Inara): Mmm…been there.
Michael (as Johnny): I don’t wanna bring up a thing, but I have a whole other religion, and it might be awkward.
Eric (as Bridge): No, you would be great! You would be great to talk to them! I think you would crush it.
Michael (as Johnny): I’m like a mediator, I’m-
Eric (as Bridge): Yeah, you could mediate between the gods.
Michael (as Johnny): Sure. Sure, or it would smite me.
Eric (as Bridge): It’s only a piece of him… in there…
Brandon (as Tracey): Just a small smite? Little thing?
Eric (as Bridge): I mean he controls all of like time. Maybe he could do a thing with that.
Eric: At this point, the Speaker stands up and says
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Bridge, is this- it took you this long to bring this to me? I’m literally the thing, the person that is supposed to be the in-between between the higher-ups and the people on the ground and you’re taking this long? How long has this been going on?!
Eric: And Bridge-
Michael (as Johnny): Three hundred years, right?
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Yeah, I mean-
Brandon (as Tracey): Yeah, I mean obviously.
Michael (as Johnny): Yeah, come on Speaker, you’re not a good listener are you, Speaker?
Brandon (as Tracey): Ahhhh, joke bot! Joke bot!
Michael (as Johnny): [laughing intentionally] Joke bot!
Eric: The Speaker-
Michael (as Johnny): Joke bot!
Eric: The Speaker is looking at you, and her eyes are getting bright purple and she says
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): I knew this was happening, but I didn’t think that there would be a problem here. How long has this weather problem been going on?
Eric: And Bridge says
Eric (as Bridge): We’ve been busy. I think, like it started breaking apart like two months ago….?
Eric: The Speaker says
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Two months ago?! Okay, alright we’re going. We’re going to Cornopolis.
Michael (as Johnny): W-we?
Brandon (as Tracey): Us?
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): You- me, and you three we’re going back with them, and we’re gonna fix this.
Brandon (as Tracey): [inhales sharply] Ooo.
Amanda (as Inara): Yeah, I don’t know…
Brandon: Tracey looks at his pocket watch.
Michael: And Johnny looks at his pocket watch, then tosses it to Inara so-
Amanda: I will also look at Johnny’s pocket watch, and I’ll show it to Oatcake for good measure.
Michael (as Johnny): Oooo.
Amanda (as Inara): Yeah.
Michael (as Johnny): Look at the time.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): We’re all going, because we’re going to save this entire… blasted country from a god because we’re here to do the right thing.
Amanda (as Inara): Eeeeeehhhhh, but are we?
Brandon (as Tracey): Eeeehhhhh…
Eric: At that point, [all laughing] the Speaker’s eyes go bright purple [rumbling sound] and ethereal wings-
Amanda: Lasers! Lasers! Lasers!
Eric: And ethereal wings burst from her back, and she flaps to the top of the room, and her voice echoes from both outside and inside of you. And she says
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): [deep, inhuman, rumbling voice] You are all coming with me right now.
Michael (as Johnny): We’ll discuss payment later.
Eric: And, um, Bridge has all ten of his friends just like lead single-file out of the room like
Eric (as Bridge): We’re going. Like, come on. We don’t- let’s go. [Amanda laughing] See you outside. Alright. See ya later. Okay. See ya later. Bye. Bye. See ya. Goodbye. See ya.
Amanda (as Inara): Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom!
Amanda: So Inara is going to grab the shrimp platter with Oatcake trailing behind her and run out the door, up the staircase, down the hall, and up a second staircase to where she knows Alonzo’s quarters to be.
Amanda: And I’m going to knock on Alonzo’s chamber door.
Brandon: Do you have shrimp in your hands as you knock?
Amanda: Oh, I sure do.
Brandon: Cool, so a squishy knock.
Amanda: I have a whole platter.
Amanda: It’s like a half-full platter of shrimp.
Eric: And then you hear a “womp,” and he says
Eric (as Alonzo): Come in.
Eric: And above the door, you see there’s an arrow sticking out of the doorframe. Alonzo’s room is like if you were in high school, but like your room was like ten times the size of what it was. Anyone’s room. Alonzo has like a four-post bed and like it’s canopied and everything, but it’s just like huge and it’s very messy.
Amanda: Yeah, there are like clothes strewn everywhere, and-
Eric: Yeah, there's just like- there's a pile on a chair, there’s just like all of his doublets.
Amanda: [laughing] His whole closet.
Amanda (as Inara): Okay, Alonzo, something really serious is going on downstairs, kind of weird, motorcycles, lots of guys, scary like red feather hair, said his name- Tunnel? No… uh… Bridge! Oh, I brought you shrimp.
Amanda: And I’m gonna put the shrimp down on his bed.
Amanda: On a platter, to be clear, not loose on the bed like a monster.
Michael: Squish. Squish.
Amanda (as Inara): Uh, yeah so I think the Speaker is taking us to Cronopolis like now?
Eric (as Alonzo): Kay.
Amanda (as Inara): And she didn’t want to bring you, but-
Eric (as Alonzo): Uh-huh.
Amanda (as Inara): But I figured you probably want to get dressed and come with us like right now.
Eric: Alonzo puts a hand out, grabs a handful of shrimp-
Eric: And puts it in his mouth-
Eric: What kind of shrimp are you eating that it goes squish?
Michael: Squishy ones.
Eric: Ew. You could eat better- you could all eat better shrimp. And he chews it slowly.
Amanda: Squish. Squish. Squish.
Eric: And swallows and says-
Eric (as Alonzo): Okay, have fun. Tell Bridge I say hi, I guess.
Amanda (as Inara): Alonzo, you need to come with me right now.
Eric (as Alonzo): Why?
Amanda (as Inara): Because Greg is there, he asked you to come, and it's time for you to do that.
Eric (as Alonzo): You guys- no, I’m fine. You’re good.
Amanda: I make eye contact with Oatcake and she jumps up onto the bed and sits on Alonzo’s chest.
Eric (as Alonzo): Nooooo, Oatcake. I need that chest for things.
Amanda: And then licks his full face.
Eric (as Alonzo): Noooo, Oatcake, no I’m not going.
Amanda: I’m going to put my hand right next to the bed.
Amanda: And lean over him and say
Amanda (as Inara): I just lost love for you man and I’m not going to let you do that to yourself. We’re going right now.
Eric (as Alonzo): [sighs] Okay, alright, I’m getting my clothes on.
Eric: And Alonzo doesn't move.
Amanda: Oatcake grabs the hem of his tunic and starts pulling him towards the side of the bed.
Eric: Alright. Johnny and Tracey, while the Speaker is still floating and angry she says
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Where- where did Inara go?
Brandon (as Tracey): Uhhhhhhhhhhh...ooooooooohhh…
Eric: You see the Speaker put her hands together and concentrate very deeply. And you hear a poof [deep poof sound] and then you hear hoof-steps clattering [hoof sounds] about fifty feet to the right.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): You know what, I will find her on my own.
Eric: Inara, as you’re backing out of the door, you feel hot breath behind you.
[horse whinny sound]
Amanda (as Inara): Ah!
Eric: And you look up, because there is a unicorn standing above you.
Amanda: I’ve ascended to queer heaven!
Eric: And the unicorn speaks with the same voice that the Speaker does.
Eric (as Unicorn): Don’t worry. I’ll keep this unicorn to watch over him.
Amanda: Im gonna look back at Alonzo and hope that wanting to screw over the Speaker motivates him to get his butt going.
Eric: He lays there.
Eric (as Alonzo): Alright cool, I’ll see you later. What’s your name, unicorn?
Eric: And the unicorn says
Eric (as Unicorn): I don't’ have a name.
Eric (as Alonzo): Okay, um, I’m gonna call you Scrimps. SCrimps is okay?
Eric (as Unicorn): Call it whatever you want. It’s fine. Scrimps, fine.
Eric: And downstairs the Speaker says
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Can we go? Please? Can we go? Can we go?
Brandon (as Tracey): I’m ready.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): One.
Brandon (as Tracey): I’ll go pack up my bike.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Johnny?
Michael (as Johnny): You know, he can’t become more responsible if you don’t give him the opportunity and the guidance. Right now you just let him do what he wants, of course he’s not going to become responsible.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): I heard that you charmed him to get him to do what you wanted.
Michael (as Johnny): Well…
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): That is not responsible at all.
Michael (as Johnny): That is an extreme, but it’s far better to try to balance out the extreme of letting him do whatever he wants than… my point has been made.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Are you coming?
Michael (as Johnny): [sighs] … let me talk to Huey, Dewey and Louie to take care of my Rancho Idealo. Yes I’m coming.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Okay, two.
Amanda: I am going to put down the platter of shrimp, which Oatcake looks at longingly from my feet, and put my hands on my hips and look at Alonzo.
Amanda (as Inara): As this platter of shrimp turns to mold, and starts to stink, and makes your bedroom smell worse, and worse, and worse, I want you to think about what we could be doing and what I’m doing for you. And if you decide to join us, you know where I’ll be.
Amanda: I’m gonna turn to go and grab the nearest article of clothing to me.
Amanda: Snatch it up as I walk out.
Eric: It’s a pajama shirt. It’s purple with gold piping. And it is very soft.
Amanda: [laughing] Like a formal pajama shirt?
Eric: It’s a formal pajama shirt, yeah.
Amanda: Cool, cool, cool. That’s who wears those.
Eric: Like you assume that there is a pair of pants- there’s a pants and a nightcap that match directly with that.
Michael: Is it monogrammed with Alonzo’s name?
Amanda: Oh, just initials. Like the- for some reason the last initial in the middle really big. I’ll swing by my room on the way down and grab my pack, which at this point I keep ready to go.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): And Inara is three, okay.
Eric: Finally the Speaker starts to calm down and she comes out of her god-super-saiyan form. Her wings come back and her eyes are back to the cloudy white as they have always been.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Okay. Everyone, get on a hog… Is that what they say? Is that what they call them? Hogs?
Michael (as Johnny): Um… I’ve got a camel.
Brandon (as Tracey): I’ve got a bike.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Okay.
Amanda (as Inara): Vespa.
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): Alright, well I guess I’ll hop on the- I’ll get on… I’ll get on somebody’s hog. It’s fine. Whatever.
Brandon (as Tracey): Anti-dibs.
Michael: You know, if she gets onto Joe, I’m just talking to her the entire time.
Amanda: She probably realizes that a second too late, but she’s too proud to switch.
Eric: I- yeah, I think so too. She gets on the back of Joe with you.
Michael (as Johnny): You know, you and I, we should talk about religion and about meditation. [Eric starts laughing] One of the things about finding balance is meditation to-
Eric: Yeah, you guys are gonna talk about theology for like three days.
Michael: Well, actually I’m just trying-
Amanda: As the episode fades to black, we have just a pinhole on the Speaker’s face as it falls further and further into despair in a narrow Looney Toons style and then poofs out.
Eric: And then she says, “It’s a living!” and it closes. Bridge says
Eric (as Bridge): Alright, we’re all ready to go? Let’s ride.
Eric: And everyone revs up their machines, and it starts to peel away, and they wind their way down the long driveway of Kiko Castle. The Speaker turns to all of you and says
Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): I wouldn't be going unless I knew that we had to do something. There’s a lot of work to be done, but it’s our duty to do it.
[motorcycle pans right and fades]
Eric: This arc is called Labor Party.
Eric: Join the Party is brought to you by Brandon Grugle, Amanda McLoughlin, Michael Fische, and me, Eric Silver. I’m your host and game master; Brandon edits, mixes, and scores the show; Amanda manages our community and our digital life; and Michael archives, manual-checks, and cartograms our world. Special thanks to our creative consultants Connor McLoughlin, Julia Schifini and Heddy Hunt.
Michael: The party doesn’t stop here! The day after every episode comes out we publish the Afterparty, where we sit down to discuss what just happened and learn what could have happened. Send us your questions anytime.
Brandon: Join our community online by following @jointhepartypod on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. We’ve also got every episode up on our website, jointhepartypod.com; and you can email us questions or stories anytime at email@example.com.
Amanda: If you’re enjoying this ride as much as we are, help the show out by subscribing to us in iTunes and leaving a quick rating. For even more Join the Party goodness, check out our Patreon. Just a few dollars will get you access to drawings, character backstories, bloopers, and so much more at patreon.com/jointhepartypod.
Eric: We’ll see you in two weeks. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here