Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #505: In regards to the last night of camp: Save tonight and fight the break of dawn. Come tomorrow, tomorrow I'll be gone.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #000000000000000001: Listen up, you little do-gooding camp worms. Why don’t you get your nose out of the handbook and go outside? The sun is OUT and BRIGHT and HOT and look EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT. So STOP LOOKING INTO THINGS AND GET OUT THERE!!!!!!

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #000: It should be summer all the time! And now it is and will always be!

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #101: if you’re going to pick a fight with someone or something, at least make sure you’re one standard deviation larger or smaller than them. If you’re smaller, you’re going to get crushed; if you’re bigger, you’re just punching down.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #246-01: staff members should strongly encourage all campers to participate in their age group’s summer musical. Regardless if they are pop-u-lar or need to be more chill, this is the perfect opportunity for campers to go the distance, let the sunshine in, and become one singular sensation.

Rule #256-02: you must have a driver’s license to drive the surrey with the fringe on top.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #1041: Although it is easy and understandable that staff members may misplace personal items, it is tantamount that we keep our eyes on our things. You never know if your misplaced keychain could become the final piece of a magical doomsday device or integrated into a part-organic, part-inorganic beast that lives under our very feet.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #101: Attack the hardest thing you have to do in a day first thing in the morning. As Mark Twain said, “If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. Wait… your job really eating frogs? Jesus H Christ, really? This was metaphorical advice about being productive!”

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #64, Addendum Q-4: If you are lost in the woods and are not sure if your companions are the same people that you began your journey with, disregard all previous rules and run.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #64: As soon as you realize that you're lost in the woods, stop moving. It's much easier for rescuers to find a stationary person than someone who is moving around. Only continue to move if you know where you are, need to find shelter, or a voice rumbling in the darkness tells you to do so.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #409: No cleats at camp. It harms the ground, the historic wood cabins, and fellow campers. How would you like it if someone tried to pop you like a balloon? You wouldn’t!

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #103: The best way to get campers enthusiastic about an activity is if you’re enthusiastic about it! If you want your campers to jump in the Water Hole, challenge them to a cannonball contest. If you want them to learn more about ritual sacrifices, run into the woods and help wrangle a calf as white as snow. If the camp lines up a special activity, you should be the first ones in line to try it!

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Epilogue: If you have a question about any of these rules, talk to the head of your department. Only under grave and unusual circumstances should these questions be escalated to the Assistant Director or Director. They’re busy doing camp stuff.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Rule #91: If you have a medical emergency, contact and report to the nurses’ office. You may be saying, “What do you mean? There hasn’t been a nurse here for forty years!” And I am saying, that’s preposterous, it’s right over there. Why are you wiggling your fingers like that and moaning “OooOoOOOoOOOOOOooOo?” Jeremy, go to the nurse and get an ACE bandage.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook, Creature Supplement, Rule #11: Talking frogs are very self-conscious creatures. They can exist both on land and sea, which give them even more opportunities to tell you how great they are. This may stem from being consistently confused with talking toads, who have that alliteration thing going on.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook Rule #5: Always follow the chain of command. It is as follows: Director, Assistant Director, Head of Age Group, Springer, House Demon, Senior Counselor, Junior Counselor, Spirit of the Pines, CITs, Camper With Most Gumption, Tallest Camper, Sport Staff, Birds, Bears, Talking Snacks, Fish.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook Rule #14, Addendum B: If a staff member is not present or does not properly adjudicate a stealing matter, the one stolen from will administer “summer justice.” Whether you want that to happen or not is up to you, but summer justice will come.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook Rule #14: Respect everyone’s personal belongings! We share so many things with each other as a camp community: time, candy bars, excitement, stories, sandwiches, etc. Therefore, the items and secrets we bring from home should never be taken, except with specific permission from the owner or keeper.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook Rule #129: No one may enter a body of water on camp premises without a lifeguard. This includes, but is not limited to, the Water Hole, the spring in the woods, any puddles deeper than five inches, and lagoons that appear in undiscovered sun-dappled glades. Above-ground pools are fine, as they’re more like baths.

Camp Diogenes Staff Handbook Rule #128: Every person, whether camper or staff, must pass the swim test if they want to swim at the Water Hole or participate in water-related activities. The swim test consists of, but is not limited to: swim six lengths of the water hole, tread water for one minute, and open their eyes under water to look out for aquatic creatures.