Why must the sea be boiling so! / Boiling, boys, it’s boiling!
Navigate the geysers, go! / Boiling, boys, it’s boiling!
Up the petals to roots below / Boiling, boys, it’s boiling!
Growl you may, but wilt you know / Boiling, boys, it’s boiling!
Dive into our ship combat mechanics, classes from Mage Hand Press, the countries of Verda Stello, and other changes we’ve made for C3 HERE!
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Cast & Crew
- Game Master, Co-Producer: Eric Silver
- Co-Host (Umbi), Co-Producer, Sound Designer, Composer: Brandon Grugle
- Co-Host (Chamomile Cassis), Co-Producer: Julia Schifini
- Co-Host (Troy Riptide), Co-Producer: Amanda McLoughlin
- Theme Song: Lyrics by Eric Silver, music by Brandon Grugle. Vocals by Brandon Grugle, Lauren Shippen, Julia Schifini, Roux Bedrosian, Eric Silver, Tyler Silver, and Amanda McLoughlin. Available for purchase here.
- Artwork: Allyson Wakeman
- Multitude: multitude.productions
About Us
Join the Party is an actual play podcast with tangible worlds, genre-pushing storytelling, and collaborators who make each other laugh each week. We welcome everyone to the table, from longtime players to folks who’ve never touched a roleplaying game before. Hop into our current campaign, a pirate story set in a world of plant- and bug-folk, or marathon our completed stories with the Camp-Paign, a MOTW game set in a weird summer camp, Campaign 2 for a modern superhero game, and Campaign 1 for a high fantasy story. And once a month we release the Afterparty, where we answer your questions about the show and how we play the game. New episodes every Tuesday.
Transcript
Eric: I remember a time before the Cascade dried up. Here in Verda Stello, the four nations of plant and bug people flourished and thrived. But the great waterfall that fed the land slowed to a trickle, revealing a vast Salt Sea and unknown islands. The only guide were the words of the 13 Dried Carvings. “The water will slow to fall, but the tides are turning. Find the Infinite Lake to replenish the world and discover the Salmon who will grant you a wish of whatever you desire.” This marks the beginning of the tide, as many Greenfolk hauled onto ships to find the Infinite Lake and maybe riches, adventure, excitement, and purpose along the way. And what exactly is a salmon? Is that a berry? That was 50 years ago, and the Tide rushes forward ever still. There are many stories caught on the wind between sails, but why don't we hear just one? Of a butterfly gunman with clipped wings, a ripened and explosive piece of produce, and a witch made out of tea. This is Join the Party Campaign 3, The Rising Tide!
[theme]
Amanda: Last time on Join the Party.
Eric: It was a beach episode. Everyone got all their bad feelings out of the way while wearing a swimsuit, and I made a game out of it. It was neat. Troy planted some magnolias who will fix up the Hold. Cammie found an electric whip that she attached to Nonny using terrible magics, and Umbi spent some quality time with Aubergine. So, where to next? Let's get the party started.
[theme ends]
Eric: Hey, so all of you endured watching people die, so you get to level up!
Brandon & Amanda: Weee!
Julia: Aw. Thanks, Eric. That's really nice.
Brandon: That's growth.
Eric: It's neither XP nor milestone, we do trauma leveling over here at Join The Party.
Amanda: I mean—
Julia: I mean, that's just what Monster of the Week is, right?
Eric: That's true. We— I took that from Monster of the Week. Yeah, right.
Brandon: Julia, that's just life. That's what life is.
Julia: Hmm. Yeah.
Amanda: I wish that’s what life was.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: I wish I didn't regress every time I have trauma.
Amanda: I know. That sounds much better.
Julia: I would love to progress from my trauma instead of regress, yeah.
Amanda: TTRPGs are fantasy wish fulfillment.
Eric: The power fantasy that we learned from our mistakes. So we're gonna go from most my wife to least my wife.
Brandon: Woo!
Julia: Oh, okay. So I'm going first?
Amanda: I’ve got this on lock.
Eric: No, I'm just— yeah, so we're gonna go, Amanda, Brandon, Julia.
Julia: Wait, what?
Amanda: Wow. Wait. But, Eric, Julia's husband is most like your husband.
Eric: No, no, it's not most like my wife, this is most my wife.
Julia: Oh, most my wife is— okay, that's fair.
Amanda: Brandon is your work wife, so that's fair.
Eric: Most my wife, so yes, exactly.
Amanda: I see. Okay.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Julia: Never mind. Never mind.
Brandon: We have a Post-it in the office that says I— that Eric is my muse.
Eric: That's true.
Amanda: Yeah, that's true. It's right outside.
Eric: It's right— it's right there, yeah. Because of all the trauma you endured, you're going from 5 to 7.
Amanda: Wowy.
Julia: Woo! I watched a woman die in front of me.
Eric: Cammie level up to level 12, actually, sorry.
Amanda: A lot of spell slots.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Lot of spell slots.
Amanda: Troy has three cool, little feats. So the first one is light-footed, meaning difficult terrain costs me no extra movement.
Brandon: Ooh.
Amanda: Nothing we use a ton, but definitely helpful and make sense as I'm, you know, a really good marksman and can do—
Brandon: You're like Legolas where you can, like—
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: —climb on the stones that have fallen.
Amanda: Yeah. My dad stayed with his girlfriend in the city for three nights in a row, which he'd never done before, despite being born and raised in the suburbs of New York. And he's like, "I'm like the hobbit leaving The Shire for the first time." He said that joke like four times.
Julia: Oh, Brian.
Amanda: He was— he was very funny. Okay.
Brandon: Brian is, like, eight feet tall. That's so funny.
Amanda: I know. Secondly, I have Evasion. So when I'm subjected to an area effect that allows me to make a Dex Saving Throw, to take half damage. Instead, if I miss, I take half damage. And if I succeed, I take no damage.
Eric: Every time—
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: Every time, Amanda’s characters have these.
Julia: Wow. I love that
Amanda: Peace. And then finally, this is the one I didn't yet tell Eric about. This is called Gutshot. So shout-out Valdas. Love you. Whenever I crit against a large or smaller creature with a ranged firearm attack, the bullet lodges itself in the target. Until they use their action to dislodge the bullet, it moves at half speed and has disadvantage on attack rolls and ability checks.
Eric: Oh, my God.
Julia: Yo!
Brandon: Whoa. That's awesome.
Amanda: But just so you guys know, oozes are immune as are elementals—
Julia: Of course.
Amanda: —and undead.
Eric: Sure.
Julia: Cool. Cool.
Eric: Makes sense.
Brandon: Oh, man, it sucks that Chad's gonna get hit then. It's not gonna affect him.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Chad is a human, so he'll still be affected. Yeah.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: That's tough. And I do have 54 hit points now.
Eric: Incredible. That's cool. You get such cool stuff.
Amanda: Yeah, that's exciting.
Eric: The gunslinger is interesting. Alright. Work wife, Brandon, what do you got?
Brandon: My wife. I have 45 hit points meow.
Eric: Nice.
Brandon: And only really one other cool thing that I got was timed bombs, baby.
Amanda: Time bombs.
Eric: Time bombs.
Brandon: Time bombs. It's called timed demolition and I can set duration for a bomb detonation up to one minute.
Amanda: That's the thing we needed last arc.
Julia: Ooh, exciting. That was the thing we needed last arc.
Brandon: I know. I know.
Eric: I like this because Brandon is getting actual level up class abilities on things that I would have to, like, massage.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: Like, make— you make Arcana Checks for, but now you can just do it.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: And I— I— that's why I really love this particular class.
Julia: It's almost like Valda's is really good at what they do.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Yeah, it's almost like you can click the link in the description to see, for free, PDFs of our entire classes, which normally you'd have to pay for just because like Mike from Mage Hand is really nice.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: And he and Eric designed special versions of the PDF so you can like learn more about Verda Stello and our characters, and also play them at home.
Julia: I heard that's true.
Brandon: It's almost like that. I also got a new bomb, and some new cool potions I'll unveil during play, baby.
Julia: That's fair.
Eric: Tight, tight, tight, tight.
Julia: Brandon's taking a leaf out of my book, which is, "I'll tell you about this later once I’ve pulled some shenanigans."
Brandon: Yup.
Eric: And then much like a mom coming back from her second shift, I'm like, "Alright, whatever happens, happens.”
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Schifini-gans, is that—
Julia: Schifini-gans.
Eric & Amanda: Ooh.
Julia: That sounds like a Italian-Irish pub.
Amanda: Yeah, it does.
Eric: Least my wife, Julia Schifini, what do you got?
Julia: Hey, it's me. So I got a new fourth-level spell.
Eric: Ooh.
Brandon: Woo!
Julia: Which again, I will tell you about later, because it is the most shenanigan spell I think I've ever seen in a playbook ever. Shout-out to Valda's.
Eric: Considering how you keep making items move two feet to the left.
Amanda: That's the best.
Eric: I'm— I'm very interested in what that means.
Julia: It's funny you bring that one up, Eric, because this is somehow even more so.
Brandon: Can you imagine having that ability if you— growing up, if you had a sibling, like could— you just move everything like a foot to the left when they're not looking?
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: God, that'd be so fun.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Yeah. I mean, that's just also me when I wake up, and I, like, go to put my feet down, you know, like out of bed and I, like, fall.
Julia: At sixth level, I got a new craft feature, so something that is specific to the tea witch, which is actually really great because it is a sort of addition to what we were discussing during the Bullseye Games Arc, which is called Shapes and Omens. When you finish a long rest, you can examine the shape of your tea leaves. The GM tells you a shape that hints at future events.
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Nice.
Eric: Julia, we're not playing Monster of the Week anymore. What are you talking about?
Julia: But I want to do this. It's something that Valda's says I can now, so—
Amanda: So fun.
Julia: At the end of every long rest, now you have to give me hints, Eric.
Eric: I mean, fine. I'll just traumatize you more, giving you more XP. That's fine.
Julia: Fantastic. And then I also have at seventh level something called Improved Familiar. Which, basically, it allows me to have a couple of different shapes for Nonny if I decide to change Nonny from a seaweed octopus into something like a swarm of insects, or a bronze wyrmling or stuff like that, or whatever the equivalent would be in Verda Stello. But I have a lot of different options now of Nonny traveling in different forms, which will be, perhaps, sad, or I might not use them at all.
Brandon: Well, I'm just gonna say, unfortunately, Julia, you can't use that because Nonny's perfect.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Nonny is perfect.
Brandon: So there's no improving.
Amanda: She can't be improved.
Julia: And then the only other thing about Improved Familiar that I feel like is relevant to our interests, is that now all of Nonny's attacks count as magical attacks.
Eric: Oh, yeah.
Brandon: Ooh.
Julia: So for, like, avoiding resistances to nonmagical attacks and stuff like that, Nonny would still count as magical because she is.
Amanda: Cute.
Brandon: Nice.
Julia: And also I have 50 hit points now.
Eric: Ooh, okay.
Julia: I'm beefy.
Brandon: I have the least amount of hit points.
Julia: Well, you're an old man.
Brandon: That's true.
Amanda: Umbis.
Julia: Umbis is old.
Eric: The Umbis. Umbis. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
Brandon: It's like the 50th anniversary of hip-hop's inventions, and so to celebrate Umbi is coming out with his mixtape called—
Eric: Umbis!
Amanda: Nice.
Julia: Umbis.
Eric: The Umbis files.
Julia: I assume if— probably in our next level up, I'll get more hexes, but right now, I only have my— my regular hexies.
Eric: Oh, no, I'm sorry.
Julia: It's okay. I'm— I'm very excited.
Eric: Well, can I give you some other interesting stuff? Like, some—
Julia: Yes!
Eric: Can I give you some sneakers that make you feel better about it?
Julia: That'd be great. I love some sneaks.
Eric: It's the only way I know how to express love because that's how my parents interacted with me.
Julia: That's nice.
Amanda: It's okay, Eric. We're all living here in the Air Jorbans Extended Universe, together like—
Eric: Hey, it's Corsair Jorbans in this one.
Julia: Corsair Jorbans.
Eric: Get it?
Amanda: I do. It's an incredible thing.
Eric: Pirates!
Julia: That was a word that, as a kid, I only ever read, and so in my head I called it Corsair.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Not— not bad, right? Pretty close. Not bad.
Eric: That's pretty good. That's fine.
Brandon: Eric, I legit just got that when you just said that.
Amanda: Good.
Julia: Good job, Brandon.
Amanda: Good.
Julia: We love that for you.
Eric: Brandon, you represent an important part of our listenership.
Amanda: It's true. It's true.
Eric: Oh, boy. Alright. You want to do the actual episode?
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Since it's the start of a new arc, we're starting with a drone shot, as everyone on the Sea Whip is running around chasing Orello, who seems more slippery. He's glistening in the sun, which obviously I'm catching the su— the flare, J.J. Abrams flare from the sun in the camera while I'm doing it.
Amanda (as Troy): Did you borrow my body oil?
Julia (as Cammie): Did you oil yourself up in anticipation that we were gonna chase you?
Amanda (as Troy): That was a one-time thing, Orello.
Julia (as Cammie): Troy, you don't even need it. You glisten naturally.
Amanda (as Troy): Thanks.
Eric (as Orello): If you— if you stay ready, you don't have to get ready.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, God.
Julia (as Cammie): We know, we all saw that carved on a tavern table once.
Eric (as Orello): It's my mantra, catch me.
Eric: You hear like a claxon go and it's like, "New arc, new arc, new arc," comes across the screen.
Eric (as Orello): Okay, fine. Thank you so much for chasing me, which is how I get all my steps in.
Julia: Can it have ended because Cammie, you scurry to make like a root, like come across his path and make him trip?
Amanda: It's good.
Eric (as Orello): It's cheating, but so it's everything happening here. There's no rules in chasing me around the island.
Julia (as Cammie): No rules when you're a pirate.
Eric (as Orello): No rules just right, Outback, the restaurant.
Brandon (as Umbi): I was gonna say that would be a great slogan for the Outback Steakhouse.
Amanda (as Troy): Umbi, you should tell them.
Brandon (as Umbi): I should.
Amanda (as Troy): I know you guys are like best friends.
Brandon (as Umbi): With the restaurant?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): No, he just eats there with Aubergine every month.
Brandon (as Umbi): How'd you— you knew that?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. I know everything. It's in the tea leaves.
Eric (as Orello): Everyone sees it all the time. We've all seen you do it constantly over time.
Brandon (as Umbi): But I wear a mustache.
Julia (as Cammie): You're the only pawpaw fruit on the island.
Amanda (as Troy): Not to, like, talk about your shape, bro, but it's very distinctive.
Julia (as Cammie): It is super distinctive.
Brandon (as Umbi): Thank you.
Eric (as Orello): Okay, hold o—
Julia (as Cammie): You're welcome.
Eric (as Orello): Okay, hold on.
Eric: And then Orello puts his hands on his knees and breathes hard for 5 minutes.
Amanda: Troy rubs circles on his back.
Julia (as Cammie): Did you know that gym teachers tell you not to do that, but you do actually get better oxygen and recover quicker when you lean over and put your hands on your knees.
Brandon (as Umbi): I did not know that.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh no way.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm. They all lied to you.
Brandon (as Umbi): Sounds right.
Eric (as Orello): [pants] Okay, I'm better. So now that you've caught me, I can tell you where the Divine Labyrinth is.
Amanda (as Troy): Great.
Julia (as Cammie): Cool.
Brandon (as Umbi): Thanks.
Julia (as Cammie): You would think that the Amber we gave you would be enough for you to tell us the fact that we asked you to find out, but sure.
Eric (as Orello): And you think someone would have asked me why I was tied up in someone's cargo hold, but we— I guess we're not asking each other anything about anything. We're just moving forward.
Julia (as Cammie): No, we probably know why.
Amanda (as Troy): We came to get you.
Brandon (as Umbi): I assumed it was a sex thing, I don't know.
Amanda (as Troy): We came to get you. That guy was totally evil. He like blew up the whole island as you remember.
Eric (as Orello): I do, but no one asked Ore— everyone's always— what— what— what does Orello have, not how does Orello feel?
Brandon (as Umbi): Alright, alright.
Amanda (as Troy): Alright, alright, alright.
Brandon (as Umbi): Orello, what—why were you tied up in the basement and how did you feel about it?
Amanda: Troy puts both of his hands on either side of Orello's face, he goes—
Amanda (as Troy): How are you, Orello?
Eric (as Orello): I'm fine. I'm burying all my emotions down. This was a trap. Now you're vulnerable. I'm raising my prices because of trauma. Okay, so here's what happened.
[Brandon makes flashback noises]
Eric (as Orello):And then U— and then Umbi put me on his shoulder and then— and— and everything was fine. So here's what I found out. It turn—first of all, no one wants to go to the Divine Labyrinth, I have my notes here. It says, "Everyone calls it boring, stupid. And why would you go to an even worse museum?"
Julia (as Cammie): It's a museum?
Eric (as Orello): No, it's not a museum, a museum has things in it.
Julia (as Cammie): So this is a museum without things in it?
Brandon (as Umbi): That's just a building.
Eric (as Orello): That's just called— let's just call it a ruin, Cammie.
Julia (as Cammie): Well, why would you bring up museums if there's no museums involved?
Amanda (as Troy): I mean, that sounds like a good place to hide something.
Julia (as Cammie): You said museum!
Amanda (as Troy): I hear museum, my brain just turns— turns itself off.
Eric (as Orello): Exactly. I bet— oh, Cammie, I bet you went on that— I bet you went on that tour, looking at the underneath of the stadium, nerd.
Julia (as Cammie): And it was amazing.
Eric (as Orello): And I bet it wasn't plot-relevant at all, stupid.
Julia (as Cammie): Well, Orello, you can answer that question yourself.
Brandon (as Umbi): Orello, are you gonna tell us or what's up, man?
Julia (as Cammie): Please, dear Planter.
Brandon (as Umbi); We caught you fair and square.
Julia (as Cammie): By the Path, Orello, please.
Eric (as Orello); Well, I know how to go there. I'm just saying that I don't know why that even would happen. Is there a reason why you have to go to the Divine Labyrinth?
Julia (as Cammie): 'Cause there's things there that we want. Orello, we're pirates.
Eric (as Orello): No, I'm telling you, there's nothing there.
Julia (as Cammie): But there might be.
Eric (as Orello): You're my friends, and also occasional lovers, so I'm trying to give you—
Brandon (as Umbi): What?
Julia (as Cammie): Hold on.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hold on.
Amanda (as Troy): Not me. Not me.
Brandon (as Umbi): Not me!
Julia (as Cammie): Not me!
Brandon (as Umbi): Who the fuck?
Eric (as Orello): So I'm just trying to look out for you, why you would spend time doing something that doesn't even matter?
Amanda (as Troy): Orello, we appreciate you, but I think you need to take care of yourself more and do less for others when they are like, "Thank you, Orello. That's enough." You know what I mean? Because you can keep doing things for others again and again, and then they're like, "Chill. Thanks, bro." And then you're like, "Wait, but I did so many things." So instead do exactly only the things that we ask and pay you to do in a timely fashion.
Eric (as Orello): Troy, you seem to mistake my— you seem to mistake this interrogation as kindness, when I'm just a nosy bitch.
Amanda (as Troy): Alright. Do you want some tea about like my BFFs from home and how they hate me now?
Eric (as Orello): Oh, yeah, you're— you're—
Brandon (as Umbi): Troy, focus! Troy, focus!
Eric (as Orello): No, he— he—
Amanda (as Troy): It's a reward. Umbi, it's a reward, you told me about delayed gratification with— with the marshmallows.
Eric: Orello— Orello put—
[Everyone laughs]
Amanda (as Troy): I still have one in my bunk, I haven't ate it. It's been like 10 days. And every day I think to myself, "I'm getting stronger. This is the muscle of my will."
Brandon (as Umbi): That's true. That's true. You are. I'm proud of you, Troy.
Eric: Hold on, Julia needs a second.
Julia: Sorry. I just had a real childhood flashback there for a second.
Brandon: Did childhood Julia just eat the most marshmallow real quick?
Julia: Julia had to learn that object permanence of the marshmallow, for sure.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: I love that's not even what the test is about, but you had to— you learn object permanence first, and then do—
Julia: No. Like the understanding that like if I eat this, then it's not there anymore, and I can't have it again.
Amanda: Cute.
Eric: Orello says—
Eric (as Orello): Oh, hold on. I have to talk to Troy about something important that I can't talk to you about. It's— it has to do with my warts.
Amanda (as Troy): It's a reward for after.
Eric: Orello turns his back to Cammie and Umbi, and you can hear all of this anyway.
Julia (as Cammie): Um—
Amanda: Troy shrugs.
Brandon (as Umbi): Cammie, so it's definitely Troy that had sex with him, right?
Julia (as Cammie): I mean, I don't think so—
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): I don't think that Troy has had sex.
Brandon (as Umbi): Alright. Well, let's listen in, that was my guess though.
Julia (as Cammie): Troy doesn't seem interested in that anyway.
Eric (as Orello): So is it for royal business? You could tell me. I was a marquis.
Amanda (as Troy): That's chill. It is Royal business and that I am Royal, and it is my business. But it is not— it is not the—for the— the House of Breakstone. I'm just gonna level with you.
Eric (as Orello): Oh.
Amanda (as Troy): I mean, ultimately, it would benefit them and so you could be like, "Oh, sorry, that's a Royal secret, because I am Royal and it is my secret."
Eric (as Orello): Huh.
Amanda (as Troy): Does that help, with like the drama and stuff?
Eric (as Orello): No, that was cold tea. Fine.
Eric: Orello turns back.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, whoa, they're back!
Brandon (as Umbi): Whoa.
Eric (as Orello): Well, the other reason why I'm trying to keep you from doing something that's unnecessary is the only way to get to the Divine Labyrinth because you have to navigate through the Boiling Reef.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, no.
Julia (as Cammie): Sounds fun.
Brandon (as Umbi): Well, yeah, it sounds like— Orello, you're trying to tell us that you realize that we want to get a thing but it's maybe not there, is what you're saying?
Eric (as Orello): Yeah, there's nothing there. And also, it sucks.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric (as Orello): I sweat through my shirt thinking about it. And I have the loosest shirt ever. It's barely a shirt.
Julia (as Cammie): Orello, it's a great thing you're not gonna come with us if we go, then.
Brandon (as Umbi): Well, what— what would you re— based on some plant-based pun on TripAdvisor, where should we go instead?
Eric: Hey, kids at home, fill in your own fun.
Brandon: I've been trying to think of one for, like, 5 minutes, and I can't come up with one.
Amanda: Tree advisor.
Julia: Yeah, tree advisor.
Brandon: It doesn’t rhyme. And you want to keep the ‘ip’, I think, you know?
Eric: I— Tree advisor is fine. We'll come back to it.
Brandon: We'll come back to it.
Eric: Trip— Tree advisor is good. Let's go back to it
Eric (as Orello): Did I ge— no, it's just towards the boiler—it’s just towards the Boiling Reef, and then you have to navigate it. It's the only reef that’s 70% volcano.
Amanda (as Troy): Orello, we're trying to find something small and really important that people would have stashed somewhere where nobody thinks it's going to be. And so that sounds like a place it will be, you know?
Julia (as Cammie): That sounds like the rumors about, like, the Hold that we tell people, so they don’t come here.
Amanda (as Troy): Right. We're like, "Hey, don't come here, huge crab may eat you."
Brandon (as Umbi): I don't think Orello's getting it, so— or we're not getting. One of us is getting it, so I'm just gonna level. We're looking for a key that [muffled]. And we heard it might be in the Labyrinth.
Julia (as Cammie): Do we know that's the key in that Labyrinth?
Brandon (as Umbi): I don't know, it could be one— it's probably one of the other ones.
Julia (as Cammie): I don't know, it could be any other. What were they again?
Brandon (as Umbi): I don't remember.
Eric (as Orello): Well, the key— oh, like from the— like the Salmon rhyme keys?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, that one.
Eric (as Orello): I thought it was a me— I thought that was a metaphor for, like, strength and virtue.
Amanda (as Troy): Nah. Nah.
Julia (as Cammie): They might be.
Brandon (as Umbi): It might be.
Eric (as Orello): Oh.
Amanda (as Troy): Well, there's at least one real key that we saw.
Julia (as Cammie): Orello, do you know all of the key names or descriptions? Do you know the whole poem? Tell me the fucking poem, Orello.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, sing for me, bruh.
Brandon (as Umbi): Sing.
Eric (as Orello): No, I— but no, I only know it— again— again. I was a marquis I had ba— I had more education mostly about where to put plates than anything else.
Brandon (as Umbi): Where'd you put 'em?
Amanda (as Troy): You know what? You're still the best that I ever knew.
Eric (as Orello): You put— you stack them on top of each other then you move downwards. Tower— it's tower style.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric (as Orello): You have your— your salad— your salad plate and then you throw it away. And then you have your first course and you throw it away.
Amanda (as Troy): You know, I should tell the Breakstones to do that.
Eric (as Orello): The— you— you should.
Brandon (as Umbi): More than you know.
Eric (as Orello): In your dramatic return to becoming King of the Crags.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. Don't you want me to return all the keys—
Julia (as Cammie): What— sorry, what?
Amanda (as Troy): —and the Salmon?
Julia (as Cammie): Wait, what?
Eric (as Orello): Why assu— I assume the Tro— that's what Troy is— that all of this is happening is Troy's gonna return and overthrow his brother, and become King of the Crags. That would be—that would be delightful.
Julia (as Cammie): Troy are you gonna do that?
Amanda (as Troy): Nah, I just want to be a Pirate.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, okay cool.
Amanda (as Troy): Nah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, okay, tight.
Julia (as Cammie): Cool.
Amanda (as Troy): I just want to be a pirate, find the Salmon, and do something sick. Make my brother love me, you know?
Brandon (as Umbi): They couldn't do that because then they have to rename themselves the Breakplates. Anyway, continue to talk.
Amanda (as Troy): Umbi, that's good.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay. So volcanic reef where the Labyrinth is, you claim there's nothing at the Labyrinth. It's a boring museum full of non-things. I'm still sad about the museum part.
Eric (as Orello): A museum full of— Cammie, again, the museum full of non-things is just an empty building.
Julia (as Cammie): You said museum!
Eric (as Orello): So, yeah, you can go on— you can go on that way, but of course, I mean—
Julia (as Cammie): Is there another way?
Eric (as Orello): Well, I mean, the only— the only— either you're gonna have to navigate the volcanic reef yourself, but—
Amanda (as Troy): It sounds bad.
Brandon (as Umbi): It sounds tight. I do want to visit at some point.
Julia (as Cammie): Is there someone who knows the volcanic reef that could navigate it for us?
Amanda (as Troy): Or like an easier secret way that only really, really smart, glistening former marquis know?
Eric (as Orello): Well, I— stop.
Amanda (as Troy): Wink.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, really. Stop, Troy.
Eric (as Orello): Well, I mean, I didn't— I guess we're being very cavalier about the whole— the whole my Liege, Troy— Troy Riptide thing. But there is a Cragish outpost there which can give you directions through.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's like you!
Amanda (as Troy): Tight, let's do that.
Julia (as Cammie): Sounds great.
Amanda (as Troy): Let's do that.
Eric (as Orello): I— if that's not— you know, if some dramatic— if some dramatic medieval romance happens and you don't tell me about it while you're there, I'm gonna be so mad at you.
Amanda (as Troy): What if I bring you back like a favor?
Eric (as Orello): Yes, of course. That would be lovely.
Amanda (as Troy): Well—
Eric (as Orello): Can I wear it like— as a garter on my thigh?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Eric (as Orello): Oh, absolutely.
Amanda (as Troy): Or like pinned to you— pinned right over your breast as, you know, worst-case scenario.
Eric (as Orello): I would love that.
Amanda (as Troy): I know, you would.
Eric (as Orello): You know I'd love that. That's the only thing that's on my Amazon wishlist.
Amanda (as Troy): Orello, I was already planning on it, but now, I'm gonna get you two.
Eric (as Orello): Oh, thank you.
Brandon: Where's the breast pocket on a slice of tangelo or whatever Orello is?
Amanda: Same place. Same place.
Julia: Over the boobs, Brandon.
Eric: It's the— it's always— it's still the breast.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Yeah. So, yeah, if you want to go towards the Divine Labyrinth, you’ve got to go through the Boiling Reef, but it just so happens that there's a Cragish outpost nearby.
Julia (as Cammie): Makes sense, and also convenient.
Eric: Yeah. But I— well, you know, the— the people in the Crags love hanging out near something terrible.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): That's why I said “makes sense”.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Here's the thing, guys, they may be real mad at me, but we're gonna try.
Brandon (as Umbi): We'll do it.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm sure that things haven't spread that quickly from the Bullseye Games.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, Cammie.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, they almost certainly have.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: We cut to a series of Greenfolk picking up approximations of phones.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: And they're talking to— talking to each other.
Brandon: Bananas. They're bananas.
Eric: Well, it's bananas, and then it's like a kiwi, and then it's like a—
Amanda: A little stick.
Eric: Then like a bushel and then a stick.
Brandon: And then a hamburger.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Inchworm.
Eric: Giant snail.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: Hmm. Giant snail.
Amanda: Oh, giant snail is good.
Brandon: Ooh. like a conch.
Amanda: Yes.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brandon: We got there. We got there.
Eric: Hell yeah. Well, you all asked me if you— that you wanted to pursue the— that you wanted to go to the Divine Labyrinth and that's the only way to go.
Julia: I'm into it.
Amanda: Hell yeah, dude.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Fuck yeah.
Amanda: Let's confront my past.
Julia: Woo!
Brandon: Alright, everyone put your hands and then on three, we'll say, "Confront Troy's past."
Amanda: Okay, ready.
Brandon: 1,2,3.
All: Confront Troy's past.
Brandon: I said that so badly.
Eric: Incredible. We zoom out to see the full map as we— as we're going to slowly move the Sea Whip towards the Boiling Reef.
Brandon: Is it like Sea of Thieves? Is it like that sort of map, where you see the boat go along?
Eric: Yeah. Or like in Kingdom Hearts Two, when you're driving the Gummi Ship, and it's really zoomed out?
Brandon: Yeah, I love it.
Julia: I was thinking like in Indiana Jones, where he's, like, crossing countries and stuff like that.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: Just a big world map and then, like, the little dots of what our path is.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Eric: Oh, yeah. We do a weird circle where we shouldn't—
Amanda: Yeah. What country is the Boiling Reef closest to?
Eric: The Boiling Reef is closest to the Crags.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Nice.
Julia: That makes sense.
Eric: Although we've talked about this before, but the governments are certainly invested in the wish-granting Salmon and bringing back the Cascade, of course. So the go— there are places of the governments of the various countries of Verda Stello, where they have representatives or like— they've taken on little islands of their own and built, like, consulates and embassies and outposts.
Amanda: Nice.
Brandon: Cool.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Cool. I love it.
Eric: Hell, yeah. So on the boat, we are back. The wind is in our hair, the— the sea— it's— we're all sea beings here. It's all— we're all a little bit salty. Everyone's out at their station. How are we— how are we feeling being back out on the rails after, you know, seeing a lot of people die because of choices we made?
Julia: I think it's a little jarring, but at the same time, at least our energy is better than coming back from the Small Key Island.
Eric: True.
Amanda: It's true.
Brandon: I mean, look, it's not our fault that a giant sea monster existed and tried to kill everyone, you know?
Eric: That's true. That's a good point.
Brandon: We failed at trying to stop it, so— you know?
Eric: Yeah. That's a real—that's—hey, Brandon, that's a really good mantra.
Brandon: It's an optimist point of view, Eric.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: It's where the Harold's going around and being like—
Eric (as Harold): We're not regressing on our vibes. The vibes are staying here. We're not going back!
Julia (as Cammie): I agree. We're— vibes are chill.
Eric (as Harold): Umbi, stop looking wistfully out on the re— out on the sea.
Brandon (as Umbi): You can't make me!
Julia: Eric, as we're taking the boat to this Cragish outpost, may I use one of my new class features?
Eric: Sure. What does that— what does that mean?
Julia: I would like to examine the shape of my tea leaves with Shapes and Omens, please.
Brandon & Amanda: Ooh.
Amanda: Cool.
Brandon: That's my favorite cereal.
Julia: So Cammie is going to be at her usual post where she is navigating. It's still full daylight out, so Cammie doesn't have to do much work on the ship at this point. And so she is going to enjoy her cup of tea. And when she is finished with it, she is going to examine their tea leaves and see what shape they have taken before this momentous occasion.
Brandon: Hell yeah.
Eric: Interesting. It was— is there any other guidance for me there?
Julia: Yeah, let me pull up real quick. I'll read you the whole thing. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. The GM tells you a shape that hints at future events. For example, if you see a tower in your tea leaves, you might encounter a wizard on the following day. If you see a serpent, you might encounter a lair or a monster, et cetera. I think kind of in the style that we were doing in the Bullseye Games Arc, you can just give me a shape and we can, like, interpret it together.
Eric: Sure, yeah. Let me think of a cool shape.
Julia: Think of a cool shape, and so like a star.
Brandon: A rhombus.
Eric: Interesting. Okay. Cammie, you look at your tea, and you sip the last drop, and you're waiting to see— you're waiting to see how the tea leaves come together. It's kind of interesting. It's actually— it kind of looks blob-ish, almost.
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: It's undefined. You know what it looks like— in the way that when you look at a forest from far away or you're looking at a crowd, it looks like an undefined shape with a lot of smaller shapes inside it. You can see that, like, your tea leaves— your tea leaves have been shredded quite small
Julia: Hmm.
Eric: All the tea leaves stack up on top of each other to create a mass of smaller things.
Julia: Interesting. So it's like— the likelihood is we're going to see a crowd or a group of things, or something that is a lot of individuals that are part of a larger whole.
Eric: I don't know. I'm not the one looking at the tea leaves.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm just interpreting as we go.
Julia: This— this is Cammie talking to Nonny being like—
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, well, it looks like it's gonna be like a crowd or a group of individuals that make up a larger whole. Interesting.
Eric: And Nonny's like [Nonny burbles, then electricity crackles] and then just messing around with it, sparking.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh. I'm glad you're practicing with it.
Amanda: Incredible.
Eric: Like— like when you get a drill for the first time and you're just like [drilling noise]
Amanda: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: I think Sil is like—
Amanda (as Sil): Ahh.
Eric (as Sil): Ahh.
Julia (as Sil): Cha!
Eric: Wonderful. I ha— I would love if everyone can make a Constitution Check for me really quickly.
Brandon: I would love to do that for you.
Julia: Uh, rude to ask. [dice roll]
Eric: Never ask a lady her age, a man, how much he makes, or players to make a Constitution Check.
Julia: It's a check, not a Saving Throw, correct?
Eric: It is a check.
Julia: 13.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Amanda: Dirty 20.
Brandon: 14 plus 2 for 16.
Eric: Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Now, Troy, I don't know if you would feel this because I assumed that your shirt popped off already.
Amanda: Nah, it's just open to the navel.
Eric: Okay.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Catching the breeze.
Amanda: Yeah, exactly. It’s got to billow, but you still have to be professional.
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah, I thought it was weird that Orello said that they had the most billowy shirt when Troy was right next to Orello, but—
Amanda: It's the most billowy resting shirt. Mine is most billowy when in motion.
Brandon: Oh. Got it.
Julia: Gotcha.
Amanda: We've talked about it.
Julia: Makes sense.
Brandon: Yeah.
Julia: It's really long in the back.
Amanda: Yup.
Eric: It self-billows. Yeah.
Amanda: Yes.
Eric: And also, I don't know if Umbi notices, I was concerned that Umbi would notice considering he's old and can't regulate his body temperature.
Brandon: Rude.
Eric: But y'all are sweating. It is getting—
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: —hotter as you are—
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: —navigating your way forward. It is getting sweaty, it's getting damp, and it's— it's not a dry heat, let me tell you that much.
Julia: I would say Cammie is thriving with that, being the only, like, greenery Greenfolk on the ship and enjoys the kind of heat and moisture that comes with that.
Brandon: Hmm.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: And both of you look over and Cammie is like—
Eric (as Cammie): What a nice day.
Eric: And she has sweat through her dress.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Maybe I should stop drinking hot tea. Would anyone like some iced tea?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah!
Brandon (as Umbi): I would love some.
Amanda (as Troy): Cammie, do you have any stuff to, like, help us keep cool. This is— this is a lot. Hoo!
Julia (as Cammie): I can make iced tea and that's about it.
Amanda (as Troy): Alright. Fair.
Eric: As you are full steam ahead and—
Amanda: Full steam ahead.
Brandon: Nice.
Julia: Aye.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: Yes, you're right.
Julia: Yeah.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: And it's getting warmer and warmer. Harold says—
Eric (as Harold): Land ahoy question mark?
Eric: You see parapets on the horizon.
Amanda: Oh.
Eric: Spiked tops of castle towers with big flags building off of them, poking out over the horizon.
Amanda: Can Troy identify the flag?
Eric: Yeah, sure. Make a— make a check.
Amanda: [dice roll]
Eric: Yeah, Perception.
Amanda: That's— right. It's a 17.
Julia: Perceptive.
Eric: 17? Yes, Troy, you— you absolutely can recognize that because that is the Breakstone version of the Cragish flag.
Amanda (as Troy): Hey, that's— that's where we're headed.
Julia (as Cammie): Alright.
Brandon (as Umbi): Weee!
Julia (as Cammie): Go, Harold, go!
Eric (as Harold): Alright, I'll go faster, fine. The steam is—
Julia (as Cammie): Not faster, just straight ahead.
Eric (as Harold): The stea— I— I mean, the steam is making it go faster. It's— we're just— we're zooming.
Julia (as Cammie): Is that how steam works?
Amanda (as Troy): How are you guys doing? You okay, Harold, Sil?
Eric (as Harold): If we distribute our body as fast and far— far enough, we can mitigate the heat.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, sure, sure.
Eric (as Harold): It's like laying out. Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): And Havana, Havana, we're almost there.
Julia: Uh-oh.
Brandon: I think Eric is looking at—
Julia: Oh, you're rolling Constitution to see how he's doing.
Brandon: Yeah, yeah.
Julia: Sure.
Brandon: Oh, yeah.
Eric: Havana is like one of those dried orange slices you put in— in old-fashioneds.
Julia (as Cammie): Aw, he's dehydrated.
Amanda (as Troy): Come on, Havana.
Julia: Cammie just spills tea on him. Like, half the iced tea that she just made.
Amanda: Yeah, yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Gotta keep your strength up, bud.
Julia (as Cammie): Gotta rehydrate you, buddy.
Brandon: He just, like, expands like one of those towels that you put water on or whatever.
Amanda: A Trader Joe's sponge.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: For sure. As you get closer and the— the ship is zooming— is really zooming at this point and it's catching some sort of wind behind, you see that the— that the parapets lead to an entire castle. You've seen— well, you saw one, then two, then four, then eight flags that are now attached to spires and castle towers. And you're like, "Oh, there's just a full castle blooming out of the top of this island."
Brandon (as Umbi): That's just a full-ass castle, y'all.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Hey, Troy, is this like—
Amanda (as Troy): Not normal?
Julia (as Cammie): —is this like a really fancy Cragish building or is this average?
Amanda (as Troy): No, we usually don't build like whole-ass castles in our outposts. Like, the main one looks like this, that's because it's like bajillion years old.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh.
Brandon (as Umbi): It’s Craig-ish, not Crag-full. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Amanda (as Troy): I mean, it's— it's like, you know, the Earth is gonna split open and eat us all one day, so why— why make such a fancy house, you know?
Julia: Eric, can I roll some sort of check to see, like, how old this castle is?
Eric: Sure. Yeah. You can do history, if you think that would be helpful.
Julia: Okay. My history is kind of low, but that's alright. [dice roll] Nat20 though, baby.
All: Ooh.
Eric: You're so mad that Orello brought up museums, and you're like, "I have to identify something!"
Julia (as Cammie): I wanted to know about the museums. Ugh.
Julia: Cammie kicks something.
Eric: Here's what's interesting. You know, it's kind of funny for those of you who live in Europe who have been to Europe. It's just wild to see like a castle just in the middle of nowhere, but it's also like, "Wow, look at this old thing that's been here the entire time, right?" Like, you can see it's old. I— no one knows what a new castle looks like, right?
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: But— but—
Amanda: Sharp edges.
Eric: It's all—it's sharp, there's no moss in the grout, there's no salt weathering. This is a new castle.
Julia: Okay.
Eric: Someone has put these bricks together very, very recently, and it also has all of the modern conveniences that you might believe from Gre— Verda Stello society, from Greenfolk Society, just molded into the medieval castle.
Brandon: Hmm.
Eric: There's a satellite dish on top.
Julia (as Cammie): Wow. I don't even know what that is.
Eric: Next to the drawbridge is a Ring— is a Ring doorbell.
Amanda (as Troy): Damn. I hear the cops can access those.
Amanda: Can Troy also investigate how fortified it is compared to usual? Is it the same level of protection as the main castle? Is it more heavily fortified, less?
Eric: Interesting. Okay. Well, with this Nat20, I also say that— and Cammie, I think that this would work as Cammie would identify this as well. So it is an outpost, this isn't like a consulate. It– this isn't like where you get your passport. You know what I mean?
Julia: Sure.
Eric: This is like a military outpost in a weird place, which is exactly what the Crags do. The Crags love going to places that no one else goes to and then setting up shop.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Julia: Sweet.
Amanda: Okay.
Brandon: Are there, like, active guards that are patrolling the ground?
Eric: Oh, yeah. There was, like, dudes in doublets with the Breakstone signet on them, standing like, you know, with their spears and their— and their crossbows. Like, on the castle walls that are looking out as you get closer, you can see like the— with the sun behind the castle, you can see, like, the outlines of their little hats and— and spears.
Brandon (as Umbi): Uh, guys, I see big cannons, maybe we should, like, put up a— the— the white flag or something?
Julia (as Cammie): Troy, should you break out your wings?
Amanda: Yeah. Troy's unbuckling his— his wing covers.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric: Interesting. Okay.
Julia: Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Avast Ye, we have a prince!
Brandon (as Umbi): Get up in the crow's nest, look epic.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. Alright.
Amanda: So Troy hands over the wheel to Harold and goes up, I think, just to the prow of the ship. Crow's nest is too exposed, too silly. You don't do that when you're in the Crags. But he'll—he'll just stay on the front with, like, one foot up on the— on the masthead and salute in Cragish formation, the soldiers nearest him.
Julia: Cammie shapes water so that the water kind of splashes up against Troy like Little Mermaid style.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: I was gonna say if you look straight onto the boat, you can't see it. But if you went vertically like a drone shot, you'd see Umbi under— like, right below—
Amanda: With a fan.
Brandon: —Troy with, like, a mirror light card.
Eric: Sure.
Amanda: Nice, nice.
Brandon: Like, giving him the best light.
Amanda: Thank you.
Eric: Of course.
Julia: We're really into what we did for the second challenge of the Bullseye Games, so it's like—
Amanda: Yes. Yes, exactly.
Julia (as Cammie): We gotta make Troy look good always.
Eric: The wind pushing the Sea Whip forward, starts to slow down, and then you see [gust of steam] a steam burst from the sea around all of you, as you get within striking distance of this Cragish outpost.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-oh.
Brandon (as Umbi): Ugh!
Amanda: Ahoy, Crags!
Eric: Did you say, "Ahoy, Crags?"
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Incredible. One of the people in the castle walls takes out their crossbow and shoots something into the air, which then lands with a clatter on the deck of the Sea Whip.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, nice. I never did notes that way.
Amanda: And Troy bends down to pick it up.
Eric: Oh, it's a banana phone.
Amanda: Oh, great.
Julia: Oh. Cammie looked at it and is like—
Julia (as Cammie): Hmm.
Brandon: Is it wireless or wired?
Eric: It's wireless, it's got a— it's a banana walkie-talkie. There's like a big—
Amanda: Aw, cute.
Eric: —a big comic antenna coming out of the top of it.
Amanda: Cute.
Julia: But also what if it was a corded phone that, like, connected back to the guy that just shot it?
Amanda: Very good.
Eric: Actually, never mind, it's that.
Julia: Yup, yup. A little brown stem.
Eric: It's like— yeah, you see like the— the archer shot the thing and then there's like a wire going [unfurling noise] following.
Julia: Boing.
Amanda: So tangled, so tangled. And Troy's gonna pick it up and hold it out like between our three heads, like, so we can all hear what's going on.
Eric (as Cragish guard): [walkie-talkie] Halt! State your business at the Cragish outpost upon the— upon The Boiling Reef.
Amanda (as Troy): Prince Troyvides Hyperion Breakstone here, requesting aid and direction in service of my mission.
Julia (as Cammie): That never gets old.
Brandon (as Umbi): I— I love having power, Cammie.
Amanda (as Troy): It's a real mouthful.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. I don't know what that's like.
Amanda (as Troy): You know— you know I like Riptide. You know what I mean?
Julia (as Cammie): Hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): It's like three syllables. Come on.
Eric (as Cragish guard): [walkie-talkie] We have used the resources to send you— to send you our corded banana walkie-talkie. Please state your— please state your business without jokes and japery.
Amanda (as Troy): I have my sigil ring right here. There's not really a way for me to share it via the phone, but I am Prince Troyvides Hyperion Breakstone, and I know that all of you call Hyperion, Hoho.
Julia (as Cammie): Also, look at his wings.
Amanda: Yeah, Troy extends them.
Julia: Clap, clap.
Eric (as Cragish guard); [walkie-talkie] Hold o-- Hold on
Julia: One sec. BRB.
Eric (as Cragish guard): [walkie-talkie] [undiscernable muttering]
Amanda (as Troy): It was part of a bigger rhyme. It was like Hoho, the Bobo always s-- singing sad, et cetera, et cetera. It’s kind of mean.
Julia (as Cammie): He sang sad?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, it was always kind of mean. I mean, he kind of like sing sad songs under his breath when he's trying to, like, cope with the weight of ruling. That's why I don't want to be king, it seems like really not fun.
Julia (as Cammie): That sounds really sad.
Brandon (as Umbi): It doesn't. You're right.
Eric (as Cragish guard): According to our— hello, are you there?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Hi! Avast Ye!
Eric (as Cragish guard): [walkie-talkie] According to our most recent information, Prince Troyvides is no longer on this mortal coil.
Amanda (as Troy): Nah, they thought I died, but I'm still here. Listen, I get it, if you want to validate me, if there's any kind of like platform or messenger, I can— I can show you my sigil ring. That's— that's how you know. You see my wings, they look— they look just like the king. Oh, you know what? Here— here we go.
Amanda: And so Troy's going to take his signet ring out of the arrow it's hidden in his quiver, press some wax onto a note, and then use the friendship crossbow to send it back across the channel.
Julia (as Cammie): Friendship.
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, nice.
Amanda: So he's gonna equip the crossbro— he's gonna equip the crossbow, stick it through the note, and then yell—
Amanda (as Troy): Friendly fire coming in. Friendship!
Amanda: And shoots it over.
Julia: What if you did call it a crossbro, though, all the time?
Eric: It's probably the crossbro, yeah.
Brandon: Oh, a crossbro.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: Yeah, dude.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah, as the signet— the arrow with a signet ring and the arrow then responds.
Brandon: Do you think when they answer the banana phone, they peel it?
Julia: No.
Amanda: That's a great question.
Brandon: No?
Julia: No. I don't think so, Brando. Brandon, I'm gonna be honest with you.
Brandon: Oh, no.
Julia: I don't think so.
Eric: Hey, everyone, make another Constitution Check for me.
Brandon: Okay.
Julia: Alright.
Amanda: [dice roll] That's a 6.
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Julia: 19 plus 2.
Eric: Okay.
Brandon: 17 plus 2 for 19.
Julia: You’re rolling really well today, Brandon.
Brandon: Thank you.
Eric: Troy, you're probably busy negotiating right now, but Cammie and Umbi, it's getting hotter.
Julia: Okay. Cammie hands iced tea to everyone.
Brandon: Alright, let me see if I can do something about this.
Julia: Do you have something that you could do something about this with?
Amanda (as Troy): My crew isn't accustomed to the extremities out here. Can we please come to port?
Eric (as Cragish Guard): [walkie-talkie] We're— we're trying to verify— ho— we're trying to verify who this exactly—who this exactly is. We need to talk to— we need to talk to Commander Vineyard. Please give us a moment.
Julia: Cool name.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, I— listen, our— our weapons are down, our hands are up. We got the white flag going. We just— we need somewhere to sit that’s safe.
Eric: Troy, make a history check really quickly for me.
Amanda: 19.
Eric: Hey, so part of the reason why you can be near wild natural features like the edge of the world or a forest filled with megafauna, or maybe this castle, is that there are natural defenses built in. So if things are getting hotter, yes, I would underline that thing you just said, it's probably not a safe place to be where you are at the moment. And then as you see more steam go— [multiple gusts of steam]
Amanda (as Troy): By the order and authority of the family Breakstone, I require safe passage right now.
Brandon: Well, Eric, I have a couple of things that might be able to help, but I'm not 100% sure, so I want to run them by you.
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: I have a couple of new potions that might help. One is just called the Potion of Resistance. When you drink this potion, you gain resistance to one type of damage for one hour, but I don't know if it's— if it's a damage or not.
Eric: Hmm.
Brandon: And then I also have Cure-all, which reduces your exhaustion level by one— removes any reduction to one of your ability scores, removes the blinded death and paralyzed and poisoned conditions, and cures you in any diseases currently afflicting you. Would either of those help?
Eric: Not at the moment, no.
Brandon: Okay.
Eric: I would say that, like, the thing—
Julia: But give it a minute.
Eric: —the thing that Troy said was, this is a bad place to be sitting directly in the, like, mouth of this place.
Brandon: Cool.
Eric (as Cragish Guard): [walkie-talkie] Please, if you are who you say you are, you're going to hold for a— you're going to hold for a moment. I don't think that the steam— the steam— I don't think that the, you know, backyard of a Cragish Castle is too bad of a place for you to be, supposed Prince.
Brandon (as Umbi): Troy. Troy, Troy, Troy. Tell them you got an old man on the ship and he's not doing well. Ohh, I'm so hot.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, it's bad for my crew. You can show me a modicum of hospitality, or else Hoho is gonna hear about this.
Brandon (as Umbi): I'm so old.
Eric (as Cragish Guard): You have an old man on your crew. Why do you have someone so vulnerable adventuring with you?
Brandon (as Umbi): Ahhh, I'm so vulnerable.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, I'll tell you later. He's right here, he can hear you. He's like a 100 years old.
Julia (as Cammie): We found him.
Brandon (as Umbi): But only barely because my hearing’s so old.
Amanda (as Troy): He tells crazy stories and won't stop talking, and tells me the same story again and again. It's a lot.
Brandon (as Umbi): That is true.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, we also have a doctor on board and— huh, do I want to tell them that it's a male doctor? And this doctor can verify that this old man will probably expire because of the heat out here.
Amanda (as Troy): This is ridiculous. I'm turning around. Hyperion will hear about this
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): [walkie-talkie] Captain, I'm executing code, petunia, rosebud, apple, beetle. He's given his signet ring. That is enough. This is obviously the prince. Let them through.
Eric (as Cragish guard): Oh, of course, cap— of course, oh, Captain— of course, Commander Vineyard, of course. Absolutely, sir.
Amanda (as Troy): Thank you.
Eric: And then you hear—
Eric (as Cragish guard): Waaaaah!
Eric: As a guy goes flying over the castle walls, just fully over the horizon, past your— past your boat.
Julia: Uh-oh.
Brandon: Oh, no. What happened? Why?
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, I don't break out the family name a lot, but no one wants to piss off the king. You know what I mean?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): No kidding.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): [on walkie-talkie] Prince Troyvides, we are honored to have you, sir. Please, come on in.
Amanda (as Troy): Thank you, Commander?
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, I'm suddenly feeling better.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): [on walkie-talkie] Abernathy Vineyard, my liege.
Amanda (as Troy): Vineyard? Excellent. I'll remember that.
Brandon (as Umbi): That's a cool name.
Julia (as Cammie): Pretty dope.
Eric: Sure.
Amanda (as Troy): And they sail on.
Eric: The drawbridge is lowered which then allows the water to flow out, which allows you to come inside of the lagoon of the Cragish outpost.
Brandon: Eric, that's cool as fuck. I never thought about that, like a castle built with water inside—
Amanda: Right.
Brandon: —and then you go in.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Tight as hell.
Julia: That's pretty dope.
Eric: Cool.
Amanda: Tight as hell.
Brandon: I love that.
Eric: And the tide brings you inside, especially as you hear [gust of steam] as a massive jet of steam erupts exactly where the Sea Whip was only a few seconds ago.
Brandon (as Umbi): Huh!
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. Well, we don't fuck around with that kind of thing.
Julia (as Cammie): Huh.
[theme]
Amanda: Hey, it's Amanda, and welcome to the mid-roll. This mid-roll is brought to you by finding a record of sea shanties. When you pop into a record store on a whim, waiting for your engage-aversary dinner. Guys, it was so good. Welcome, first and foremost, to our newest patron Lily. We are so grateful that you have made time in your budget and in your life to support Join the Party on Patreon. We can only make the show, the only reason we have no bad Tuesdays. Remember, when there was a Tuesday worth nothing in the Join the Party feed, remember that? It was terrible. And now we don't have that anymore, because we have support from hundreds of you on Patreon. If you want to join and get your name read in this mid-roll and get access to all kinds of extras like a whole another— every other week podcast from us called Party Planning, access to our patron-only Discord, and hundreds of hundreds of bonus things. I tried to say posts, but it's like posts, and audio, and bloopers, and tables that Eric has published and all kinds of stuff. Do it at patreon.com/jointhepartypod. This week in Multitude, it is a very exciting and special week, the likes of which we normally don't do, because we exist as a company, right? Multitude is a podcast company that exists because of the support of listeners like you. And the best way you can support Multitude as a whole and our mission is joining the MultiCrew. This is our membership program that lets you, our listeners, help fund new work from us and get exclusive perks. So between now and October 1, we are running the MultiCrew drive. We are putting two whole weeks aside on our busy calendars to highlight all the ways your support makes a difference to us, and how that support gets paid back to you, our community. 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So to join us and support our mission, and help make 2024 for our best year yet, go to multicrew.club. And again, you get all those cool perks if you join until, up until now, or in the next few days of now, until October 1st, at multicrew.club. We are sponsored this week by Twenty Sided Store. Now, they are our friendly local game store, but they can also be your friendly local game store through the power of shipping. Now, when they first started being a sponsor, the first sponsor ever of Join the Party, that's right, folks, they did not have an online store, but now they do. Because you can shop online for— let me just look through— oop, okay. You can filter by word games, trivia, travel size games, storytelling, solo mode, sale, some things are on sale even, new arrivals, mystery, legacy, editions of games, dice games, exit games, cooperative games, D&D stuff, classic games, Catan. What's on the classic thing? Oh, fun. You can get Bananagrams, Clue, chess Monopoly Elf Edition, Scrabble Classic 2021, Uno from 2019. What— what are the innovations in— in Uno these days? Who knows? Twenty-Sided Store does. So go ahead if you're in New York City and visit them at 280 Grand Street in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, just mention Join the Party and you will get a special discount. Or if you're shopping online, use the code Pirate for 20% off your order online. All of that and more at Twenty Sided Store, spell out all those words, .com. And finally, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Now, I am definitely no stranger to racing thoughts that keep me up at night. Sometimes I'll be super tired, and I'll go to bed, and I'll lay there and just be like, "Alright, I'm at a podcast that can displace my inner monologue with someone else's exterior monologue, so I'm just here alone with my thoughts. What do I do?" It sucks, and it really prevents me from getting the rest I need to feel like I can really, like, start the next day with excitement. And that's something that I have talked about in therapy, about why things are keeping me up, why, you know, those specific thoughts are the ones doing it, and what I can do when I feel a little bit like alone or abandoned by my own brain. And I am really grateful that I had access to therapy via BetterHelp especially during lockdown, especially when I couldn't find a therapist here in New York City that could take me as a new patient. So get a break from your thoughts with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelpcom/jointheparty today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, .com/jointheparty. And now, let's get back to the show.
[theme]
Julia (as Cammie): They were kind of fucking around with us, though. That's not ideal.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Not— not usually.
Eric: Inside— this is like— it's like being in the inside of a diorama of a castle.
Amanda: Aw.
Eric: It's almost like the castle is crafted around the lagoon inside, so you can see like— you know when you're looking at an open dollhouse, so you can get to see the open—
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: —the open rooms everywhere. And it's just rooms, on rooms, on rooms, on rooms. This a full castle—
Amanda: Wow.
Eric: —inside of here, built on the tiniest little— little moon strip of land.
Amanda: That's amazing.
Julia: Interesting.
Brandon (as Umbi): This is beautiful. I didn't know that— that your people build things like this. This is cool.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, it just looks like shit from the outside, you know? But then it looks nice on the inside.
Brandon (as Umbi): Just like me, baby.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. It's like the opposite of me. It's alright. It's alright, bruvs.
Eric: You hear thump, thump, thump, and then [skittering noises] as all the soldiers and attendants of the Cragish outpost come down to the docks. And you hear the big thump from a big green hand that is coming out of the back of a perfectly manicured hedge Greenfolk.
Julia: Cool.
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric: With a fancy doublet with the Cragish flag stitched into it. The— and, like, beautifully pressed pants pushed into, like, the long— those long fantasy boots.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: Crushed black velvet boots, and the green— the big green hand is like thumping forward moving this hedge man along.
Brandon: Like, the— how like a monster in a treasure chest would move itself?
Eric: Yes, exactly like that. Exactly like that. Yes, big, green hand made out—made out of leaves and vines, grabbing forward, moving along, and then grabbing again.
Brandon: That's awesome.
Julia: It is like a square hedge or is it like a topiary?
Eric: Perfectly square hedge, Julia.
Julia: Gotcha.
Eric: Just if— if you took a magnifying glass, it would be perfect. It would be exactly 90 degrees. And listen, that's military regulation.
Julia: Of course.
Amanda (as Troy): Commander, I see you keep everything shipshape around here.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Just because we're not— just because we're not a part of the mainland on the Crags doesn't mean the things that we do on behalf of Hyper— the things that we do on behalf of King Hyperion don't ma— don't not matter. Of course, please, welco—welcome to the Boiling Outpost, Your Highness.
Amanda (as Troy): Thank you, Commander, and please meet my esteemed crew. There is Umbi.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hello.
Amanda (as Troy): Chamomile Casis.
Julia (as Cammie): Hello.
Amanda (as Troy): Of course, we have Dr. Havana Tropicana. Not using pronouns right there, just— just to make things easier on myself. And Sil and Harold, our— our first and other first mate.
Julia (as Cammie): They're both firsts.
Brandon (as Umbi): First and first.
Amanda (as Troy): Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Harold): We're both the same person a little bit.
Julia (as Cammie): And that's why they're firsts.
Brandon (as Umbi): They're not dating, I've asked.
Amanda (as Troy): We are most grateful for your hospitality. We're actually on our way to the Divine Labyrinth and we wanted to draw on your wisdom.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Hmm. Absolutely, of course. I— you'll have to excuse us. We’re just stunned to see you to be— to— if I could speak freely, it's— it's— it's a great surprise. We were all at the— we were all called back to be in the incredibly large and fancy funeral for—for Prince— for Prince Troy.
Julia (as Cammie): Was it really, really fancy? Like, were all the plates made of gold?
Brandon (as Umbi): Were they stacked properly?
Amand (as Troy): Was there like rock grub favors?
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Well, there was some gold— there was some gold. We have to reserve some just in case for the— we have to reserve some just in case the next House comes through.
Amanda (as Troy): Sure.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): But no, it was— it was beautiful, it was moving, and we're all moved— we're all moved to see you.
Amanda (as Troy): Well, it makes sense why that guy was— was really surprised to see me, then. I— I hope, you know, you don't deal with him too harshly. Of course, your— your— your command, so it's your call.
Brandon (as Umbi): Didn't they fling him out of the castle already?
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah. Is that the guy that got flung?
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): We already have dealt with that. We already have dealt with that guy.
Amanda (as Troy): Got it. Well, I also very glad to be alive. I am looking forward to seeing the King and telling him that. But in the meantime, I wonder if you could let us know about the whole Labyrinth situation.
Eric: Yeah. Let me— let me think for— let me think for a second.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard):Absolutely. Your Highness, this is not something that we can talk about in front of the ma— in front of the men. If you could all disperse, please go back to your— your posts now. Slam.
Amanda (as Troy): Thank you, everybody, thank you.
Eric: Aahh! They scatter.
Amanda: Troy, like, opens his doublet a little more.
Eric: Just— everyone scatters and runs back and be like—
Eric (as Cragish Guard): This is exciting, this is all happening.
Julia (as Cammie): Goodbye.
Brandon (as Umbi): Bye.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): It's like— yes, please— please settle in. We can meet and my— we can meet in my quarters. We can meet back in the quarters when you are ready.
Amanda (as Troy): Of course, of course. Oh, and here, let me— let me give you a royal favor.
Amanda: And Troy pulls out of his pocket a page from the cocktail book. It got a little bit loose, and it did fall out. And Troy was worried about throwing it away, so he gave it a little kiss, and folded it up, and put it in his pocket. And now he hands it forward to the Commander.
Julia: What recipe is on that page, Amanda?
Brandon: It's not even like on the start of a recipe, it's like halfway through—
Amanda: It's halfway through a— a painkiller.
Julia: Oh, nice.
Eric: True.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): I'm honored, Your Highness, you—
Amanda (as Troy): It's an important book to me.
Brandon (as Umbi): Cammie, do Cragish people like trash? Is that a thing?
Julia (as Cammie): I couldn't possibly say.
Brandon (as Umbi): Me, neither.
[Thunking footsteps]
Eric: It's also coming out of the back of his head.
Brandon: Oh, that's even worse.
Eric: The big— the big green hand.
Amanda: Scary.
Eric: Yeah, that's the best place as you come out of.
Amanda: That's good.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: Yeah.
Amanda: See, Troy turns around, he's like—
Amanda (as Troy): Okay. So haven't done that in a while, how'd I do?
Julia (as Cammie): You seemed like a natural.
Amanda (as Troy): Thanks. I mostly just try to be less fun, and more like I want to make fun of me. And then— and that is how I— that is how I, you know, I— I do it.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm. Make sense.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Ask if we can get some snacks.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. A little worried they did think I was fully dead, but we'll figure that out.
Julia (as Cammie): Not rock grubs, though.
Brandon (as Umbi): No, not that one.
Amanda (as Troy): No.
Julia (as Cammie): If you are going to get us snacks.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, we— we do have other things.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay, great.
Eric (as Havana): All of the men had gross cuts. I’m gonna have to deal with that.
Julia (as Cammie): Like— like haircuts?
Eric (as Havana): No. Lesio— no, like lesions.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh.
Eric (as Havana): It was ma— I'd have to work on that.
Julia (as Cammie): I didn't notice.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. They don't really cover, like, medicine and caring and stuff in— in basic training, so I— I think they'd be really grateful to hear from you, Havana.
Eric (as Havana): Yeah, I'll be— I'll be busy. You do— you could just do stuff without me.
Amanda (as Troy): Alright.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay.
Eric (as Havana): [retches]
Amanda (as Troy): Havana, don't you want to heal them? Isn't that good for you?
Eric (as Havana): Oh, no, it's so gross. Oh.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay.
Julia (as Cammie): Okay, understandable. Eventually, you'll get over that. I'm gonna leave you some chamomile tea, that'll help settle your stomach while you're treating those nasty, nasty lesions.
Eric (as Havana): [retches]
Julia (as Cammie): Okay. So, Troy, you know how Cragish bases work. Do they have something here that maybe stops it from being super, super hot so when we're out on the boat, we don't die?
Amanda (as Troy): We can ask the Commander, but I— I haven't like worked in this kind of environment before. The one that castle's on is more like lava rock, but only because it used to be a lava, not because it's currently lava. Those are different.
Julia (as Cammie): Hmm. Okay.
Brandon (as Umbi): Your feet and hands must be so smooth all the time.
Amanda: Troy strokes Umbi's face.
Eric: It's all pumice, the— the whole thing is pumice.
Amanda: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): I— you know, I saw that guy's face and I— I think I might know him, actually?
Eric: Sure.
Brandon: I want to see if I—
Amanda: Woah.
Brandon: —I know them.
Eric: Yeah, Commander Vineyard, for sure.
Brandon: Well, Eric—
Eric: Yeah?
Brandon: —I did roll a 10.
Eric: Did roll a 10.
Brandon: First time, baby.
Amanda: Hey.
Julia: Congratulations.
Brandon: So that means that I've met this person or their parents according to age, years ago and got unwell or not, up to me.
Eric: Okay. Would you like to have gotten on well?
Brandon: I think I knew his parents.
Eric: That's what I was thinking, too. Yeah.
Brandon: Yeah.
Amanda: You slept with his mom, broke up his family.
Brandon: No.
Julia: Yeah.
Eric: I think if Commander Vineyard— yeah, because I think that that's also why Commander Vineyard wouldn't have noticed you immediately. If someone is running this outpost, I would think also they're, like, poof— it's so hard to be like a political person in, like, a medieval society like the Crags. So I think that there's only a few people who would have gotten such, like, distinction. So I'm su— I bet you knew their parents, for sure.
Brandon: I bet you one of their parents or both their parents were, like, representatives that went to Overstalk.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Hmm.
Brandon: And like there's not a ton of Greenfolk that have that sort of, like, body shape of perfection, and, like, sort of like how they move. So maybe I didn't recognize him because maybe he was a baby—
Eric: Yeah.
Brandon: —or whatever. But I— I— you know, that's pretty rare, so I thought I might know him.
Eric: As— well, I mean, his mom was Kudzu and his dad was a pointy topiary, so—
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Right, right, right. Yeah.
Amanda: Nice.
Eric: Yeah, he would probably just be like Ambassador Vineyard, I'm sure.
Brandon: Yeah.
Eric: Or— or something like that.
Julia: Euonymus Vineyard?
Eric: Or Master of Trade or something, right?
Julia: Hmm. Cool.
Amanda: Quartermaster.
Eric: What do you say— you said Hieronymus Vineyard?
Julia: Euonymus, which is a type of topiary.
Eric: Oh, that's cool. Yeah.
Julia: So Euonymus Vineyard is a cool name.
Eric: Euonymus Vineyard, Master of Trade. I think that's pretty cool.
Amanda: Euonymus piece of me?
Eric: Yeah, I think tha— I think that's wonder—I think that's cool.
Brandon: Cool. Okay.
Eric: Cool. We have to cut to like a— a really nasty bar, and like a wench brings out goblets of wine for a younger Umbi, just who's a CGI—
Julia: Looks the same.
Eric: Yeah, CGI, just slightly younger Umbi, and—
Brandon (as younger Umbi): Hello, this is Umbi younger.
Julia: Ooh.
Amanda: Smooth face.
Eric: Yeah. And like a perfectly manicured, like, pointy topiary.
Brandon: Uh-hmm.
Eric: He'd be like—
Eric (as Euonymus): Umbi, I can't believe that you negotiated that many bolts of silk for that many doublo— for that many Doublooms. That's— that's incredible.
Brandon (as Umbi): What can I say? I got the gift of persuasion, baby.
Eric (as Euonymus): But I mean, I can get that out of you if you drink more wine! I know that you're just dri— you're just drinking that watery Overstalk's swill.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hey, that watery Overstalk's swill has a name.
Amanda: And it's, Brandon?
Eric (as Euonymus): And it's called Trash!
Brandon: It is called trash, but it's spelled with like a different vowel letter, but—
Amanda: Yup.
Eric: Euonymus just pours the entire goblin upon— and it just like dribbles down the point of the— of the topiary.
Eric (as Euonymus): Two more! We— two more for me, and four more for my friend.
Brandon (as Umbi): Thanks.
Amanda (as Troy): Damn.
Eric: [sound of drinking] That's what it sounds when they're drinking.
Eric (as Euonymus): You're not drinking your wine!
Brandon (as Umbi): I am, I just—
Julia: You're just choosing to make those noises.
Brandon (as Umbi): I didn't want to embarrass you, but— you know?
Eric (as Euonymus): When in Crags— [sound of drinking]
Eric: Okay, sick. So, yeah, I think, yeah, y'all can pull yourself together. And, yeah, you can head up to Commander Vineyard whenever you're ready.
Amanda (as Troy): Anything you guys want to do? Anything you want to ask? I was going to be like, "Hey, what's the best way to get to the Labyrinth? And also have you heard of anything dangerous or good about it?"
Julia (as Cammie): We should probably ask for, like, a guide just because—
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, nice.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, smart.
Julia (as Cammie): Yeah, because then like someone who actually knows these waters can show us the way and they're not just giving us, like, vague directions.
Amanda (as Troy): Tight.
Eric: Go one knot, and if you went past the old mill, you've gone too far.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): And then we're in the middle of a geyser, and that's no good.
Amanda (as Troy): Nah.
Brandon (as Umbi): I would love some like— to resupply the ship. Maybe get some food and water on there.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah. For sure.
Julia (as Cammie): Ice?
Brandon (as Umbi): Ice—
Julia (as Cammie): Yes. And again, we should ask how they keep cool out on the seas.
Amanda (as Troy): Tight.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Eric (as Seller): Oi, guv'nor, it seems like you needs some snacks— you need some snacks and drinks while you're out here on the sea. I can help you.
Eric: And then you just see like a bunch— just like a bunch of ants that are now just like bringing stuff on the ship.
Julia (as Cammie): Aw.
Brandon: Yeah!
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, thanks lads.
Eric (as Seller): Of course. This is a no-ice place. I don't know why anyone want ice. Ice is wo— it's wonderful that it's warm here.
Amanda (as Cammie): Oh, okay.
Amanda (as Troy): Different Greenfolk need different things. You know what I mean?
Brandon (as Umbi): Different strokes for different green folks.
Eric (as Seller): You're so— you're so wise, my— my highness, but still, we don't— we don't have I—we could— I don't know if we have ice. If you ask for ice, it's a sign of weakness here.
Julia (as Cammie): Well, how do you guys keep cool?
Eric (as Seller): We don't!
Julia (as Cammie): Ah, okay.
Amanda (as Troy): How do you stop the ships from disintegrating when they're out, you know, among— among the steam geysers?
Eric (as Seller): Oh, well, you just need to make sure that you have directions, love. I'll get you all set and put together from the Commander Vineyard.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, nice. Alright. Well, thanks.
Eric (as Seller): Pip, pip, cheerio.
Brandon (as Umbi): Pip, pip.
Eric: And that was a perfect British accent, right, Jasper?
Amanda: Nice.
Julia: Sounded great to me.
Eric: Jasper’s listening. He— you know, he heard it. Wonderful. Yes, you— you were led up to the top of the— of the highest parapet.
Amanda (as Troy): Here's my thing, it's like the more powerful you get, the more stairs you have to climb to get to your office or bed, and I don't think that's good. Like if—
Brandon (as Umbi): That should be the opposite. Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): —if I was the king, it would be like right inside the door, so I can come home, fall right asleep, you know?
Julia (as Cammie): But then if your castle gets sieged upon and someone breaks in, then they'll, like, kill you immediately.
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, yeah, I forgot about—
Julia (as Cammie): There's a lot of people between the door—
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): —and your room—
Amanda (as Troy): Nah.
Julia (as Cammie): —that could stop them.
Amanda (as Troy): I forgot about the bloody coup what I participated in to get my brother installed as king.
Julia (as Cammie): I forgot that you had to participate in that. That's a little sad.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, I was 12. Anyway—
Julia (as Cammie): You were 12? How many people did you murder?
Amanda (as Troy): Here we go! Too many.
Julia (as Cammie): How many is too many?
Amanda (as Troy): More than my age.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh.
Amanda (as Troy): That's how you become a man in the Crags.
Julia: That's sad. That's real sad.
Brandon: You have to kill at least greater than one person per year.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric: At the top of this castle tower is a big wooden door, with a big, old like clanger, you can clang.
Julia (as Cammie): Last time I did that, a friend of mine died. So, does someone else want to do it this time?
Brandon (as Umbi): I do! I do!
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Who is this?
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, we didn't even have to do it. You heard us through the door.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, he heard us talking.
Amanda (as Troy): Prince Troy and his friends. Oh, I— U go by Troy. Troyvides is just a lot of words.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Can you spell— can you spell that?
Amanda (as Troy): T-R-O-Y-V-I-D-E-S.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): [muffled sound] Can you spell that in— can you spell that in the NATO code?
Amanda (as Troy): [sighs] Tango, Romeo.
Amanda: Oh, thank you. I was— I thought it was a test.
Julia: I thought that was a test?
Amanda: Termite, Rosebud, Orchid, Yellow, Iris, Verbena, Daffodil, Eggplant, Stamen. It always embarrassing me that my—my name has a S, what is stamen.
Eric: Yeah.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Brandon: Verbena is a terrible word for V.
Amanda: Now, Brandon, you see Eric replace the NATO alphabet with all plant and bug words.
Julia: Oh.
Brandon: I thought Verbena was a legit one. I apologize. It's a great one for the Greenfolk Verda Stella one.
Julia: It's a great Eric original.
Amanda: It's Victor.
Eric: Yeah, no, it's Vi—Victor.
Brandon: Victor? Okay.
Amanda: Yeah.
Julia: I did not know that.
Eric: X is still X-ray, but it's of a plant.
Amanda: Yay! Cute.
Brandon: I love it.
Amanda: Love it.
Brandon: I apologize, it's awesome. Good job.
Eric: No, it's okay. It's okay.
Julia: Yeah. Eric, that's great. You did good.
Brandon: I love it.
Eric: It's fine.
Julia: We were insulting NATO, because we thought that was a NATO thing.
Eric: Oh, yeah. Fuck NATO.
Amanda: Fuck NATO.
Eric: Fuck NATO. It's like—
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Enter.
Amanda (as Troy): Woo, I haven't memorized that since I was like 10 or 11 years old.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, before the bloody coup.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, that's why it's still in the brain.
Julia (as Cammie): Hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): Things afterward, not so much.
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-hmm.
Brandon (as Umbi): It's that like a trauma response?
Amanda (as Troy): I don't know. Hello!
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Prince Troyvides, friends, come in, please, come in.
Brandon (as Umbi): Hello!
Julia (as Cammie): Hey!
Eric: If you could imagine what an incredibly put-together office looks like, but it's medieval.
Amanda: Ooh.
Eric: It's— somehow everything's leather-bound when you're looking at—
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: None of— nothing is out of place. All of the papers are arranged in an inbox, in an outbox. The pillows upon the divan in the corner are directly put, arranged in the corners. The curtains are exactly proper distance in between the windows, and between the other curtains, and between the doors. It is an incredibly well-put-together, medieval-style office.
Brandon: Ah, my dream. You're describing my dream.
Julia: Pretty cool.
Eric: Li— like what if all maesters were not insane people—
Amanda: Hmm.
Eric: —and were instead office drones, what would that look like?
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: Yeah, yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): That's good.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Please come in, come in.
Amanda (as Troy): Commander, it's a— it's beautiful up here.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Now, you would think that it would be a distraction from keeping everything in the proper place that it's supposed to be, but actually, it puts my mind at ease and helps things move into their proper places. Just like an inbox and an outbox.
Amanda (as Troy): Nice. It's— it's like on a ship when you have, you know, all the— all the masts, and sails, and—and rudders and cannons that you need. It's— it's, you know, satisfying.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Unfortunately, I don't have that experience, so I cannot relate to it. But if you say it, it must be true and that's part of the reason why I'm so— I mean, I'm— I'm still bowled over of being able to see you and the— I guess I can only assume—
Amanda (as Troy): Umbi, Cammie.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): — your— you could only assume the— why— the— the wise elder who gives you counsel and the—
Brandon (as Umbi): Cammie.
Julia (as Cammie): And me!
Brandon (as Umbi): No, no, Cammie was the wise elder.
Amanda: Uh-hmm.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): At the terrible dark powerful magician upon which you found, who teaches you all of the unforeseen secrets of the— of— of the way that the world works and how you can exploit it.
Julia (as Cammie): Would you like me to read some tea leaves for you?
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): No, it would scare me and be against everything that I understand, and my mind would split in-- truly in twain.
Julia (as Cammie): I mean, that sounds fun, but if you're sure.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): No, I was— no. No— no, it's fine.
Amanda (as Troy): Listen, there's a— there's a lot more out there on the Great Salt Sea than even we knew about back in the Crags, and I'm out there on a mission, discovering stuff and hopefully finding some power for the Crags. So I very much appreciate your hospitality, but I— are you— is it okay that I'm here?
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Okay is relative, undefined, unspecified. I am delighted to see— to see you, but whether this is a breach of protocol or just a confusing thing that there's no way to fathom, it's— when a Prince supposedly returned from the dead. Though, I did—I — I did have a suspicion from the recent reports of the— of the Bullseye— of the Bullseye— of the Bullseye Games and the destruction of Small Key— of Small Key Stadium.
Amanda (as Troy): I know it doesn't seem that way. It would have been a lot worse if we weren't there, though.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Yes. Yeah.
Julia (as Cammie): We keep telling ourselves that. It makes us feel better.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): I can only assume. I— there's a— it's hard to re— I— it's hard to predict the patterns of— of a— of a zombie queen, but I can understand that she— she seems to be behind a number of tragic catastrophes happening upon the Great Salt Sea.
Julia (as Cammie): Um. How do you know that Audrey was involved with all that? Audrey—
Julia: I was gonna say Audrey and I are best friends, and then Cammie goes—
Julia (as Cammie): Audrey and I— the question stands.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): We've— you know, we are one of the outposts here of the Crags, and it is our responsibility to track the movement of unnatural enemies and the rise— and the rise and the fall of those— of the powerful figures out in the Great Salt Sea. It's—
Julia (as Cammie): Has anyone seen her since?
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Ah, right, yes, around. She's certainly— she's certainly making her rounds—
Julia (as Cammie): Around here?
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): —around— it's almost it's almost ran— it's almost random, honestly.
Eric: And he goes over to the window and pulls down a big—
Julia: Oh, there's a map.
Eric: —pulls down a big chart.
Amanda: Yay!
Julia: Big map, big map.
Eric: Yeah. And you can see that there's a big map of the Great Salt Sea and big X's with little R's written next to them.
Julia: Cool.
Eric: He's like–
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): It seems almost random, though, way— where she attacks and what she— and what she takes over. But it's— every time— almost all the time, it seems catastrophic. We did put together and she was near the— her main fleet was nearby the destruction of the stadium and we had put tog— and through reports, we did put together that it seems that the dandelion man seems to be underneath her— underneath her thrall.
Julia (as Cammie): Oh, yeah. Yeah, he is.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, we did find that out.
Brandon (as Umbi): I blew up his ship.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Heard about that, too. Interesting.
Brandon (as Umbi): I thought it was effective.
Julia: Eric?
Eric: Yes.
Julia: Can I roll—
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Julia: —insight—
Eric: Uh-hmm.
Julia: —to see if I can see a pattern between these sightings?
Eric: Sure. Yeah, insight— I'm gonna make this harder because you're trying to—
Julia: Okay.
Eric: —make insight— you're using data to make insight upon a person.
Julia: I want to do detective skills.
Eric: Yeah, yeah, this is interesting. It's never—
Julia: I wanna Sherlock Holmes is this.
Eric: It's certainly insight, but this is going to be difficult.
Amanda: It's like tasseography, but of X's.
Julia: Alright. How about an 18 plus 6, is that good?
Eric: Hoo! 24.
Brandon: I think it's pretty good.
Amanda: Whoa.
Julia: Would 24 be okay?
Eric: Yeah. Why don't you ask a question?
Julia (as Cammie): So, have you noticed any— I know you said you haven't noticed any pattern between the places that she has been taking over and attacking and stuff like that.
Julia: I want to see if there is any sort of connection between the places that we know we've seen Audrey or Audrey's cohorts. So for example, Eska Island, Small Key Island, and potentially by the Book Depository Island.
Eric: For sure, yes. And you can certainly see that the X's with the little R is for Rotten, marks off at least those two places that you've been. Being like—
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): No, we didn’t. We're still trying to figure out what kind of connecting issue there is. I think that— honestly, the thing that's— that's most disturbing is just the body count of every single one of the places that she's been. Eska Island, an entire— an entire cult— an entire cult seems to be pulled under her thrall. Obviously—
Julia (as Cammie): Uh-huh.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Obviously Small Key Stadium, the number of people who perished in— when it was destroyed.
Brandon (as Umbi): We don't need to talk about that.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah, they're— they're just like, you know— I don't know. Like, when you—
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): I just can't imagine their drowning faces and the fear—
Brandon (as Umbi): Jesus Christ.
Amanda (as Troy): Okay, alright.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): The fear—
Amanda (as Troy): Yup. Yup, yup, yup.
Julia (as Cammie): I can.
Amanda (as Troy): But the more people she kills, the more she can bring back into her army, right? Is that how her whole thing works?
Julia (as Cammie): I was gonna say, she does do zombies, so body count should be high.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Yes.
Amanda (as Troy): Pretty rude.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): That's— that's what's deeply— that's— we— we made the same assessment and that's what's deeply troubling to us. Unfortunately, we can't—unfortunately, we can't find any other— any other pattern other than she wants— she's trying to grow a— she's trying to grow a zombie— she's trying to grow a zombie horde.
Julia: Is there a— hmm, how do I want to phrase this? Looking at the map and looking at the places she has visited, is there a very obvious area on the map where she has not visited?
Eric: The answer is no.
Julia: Okay, interesting.
Eric: It's like— and then he ends up pulling down different transparencies.
Julia: Uh-hmm. Uh-hmm.
Eric: One trying to spell words, one trying to make religious symbols.
Amanda: Good.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: One trying to match it up with the architectural patterns of the major cities of all four countries.
Julia: The Ley Lines.
Amanda: Cute. Yeah.
Eric: Yeah. And also, there's another one for the Ley Lines, yeah, for sure.
Julia: Uh-hmm.
Eric: There's no pattern.
Julia: Hmm.
Amanda: He's probably interested in predicting where she's going to go next, but I kind of want to know where she has been before that. Like, could we estimate a first appearance— before the first appearance or a place that she seems to be headquartered?
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Hmm. Unfortunately, we only get report— it's only what people end up reporting, you know?
Amanda (as Troy): Got it.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): And I'm sure all of you know, as tactfully as I can say to you, Your Highness, pirates are not one to fully report on how they got, if I could be so bold, fucking owned by a zombie queen.
Amanda (as Troy): Uh-hmm.
Julia (as Cammie): That's true.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah
Julia (as Cammie): That is true.
Amanda (as Troy): Bad for business.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Absolutely.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, I did know your dad. That makes sense.
Julia (as Cammie): What?
Amanda (as Troy): Umbi?
Brandon (as Umbi): You were too proper before, but now that you say— he used to say— get fucking owned a lot. I thought—
Eric (as Euonymus): I fucking owned you, Umbi.
Amanda: Yeah. Oh, boy.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): You knew my— you knew my father?
Brandon (as Umbi): I did. He was a great guy, or he is a great guy. Is he still alive? I don't know. Am I still alive, who can say?
Julia (as Cammie): Yes.
Amanda (as Troy):
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, yeah.
Julia: Cammie looks at you.
Julia (as Cammie): Confirmed.
Eric: Yeah.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): You knew my father, Euonymus Vineyard?
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah, we— we were drinking buddies.
Amanda (as Troy): He's so old.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Where? Where?
Brandon (as Umbi): Well, I mean, he would come to Overstalk for, like, meetings and stuff, where nothing would get done, because nothing ever got done. And then we went out to drown our sorrows afterwards.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Huh. Incredible. It seems— it's a quite interesting crew you have for yourself, Prince Troy.
Amanda (as Troy): Only the best for a Breakstone, it's what we always say.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): And you—
Julia (as Cammie): Me?
Brandon (as Umbi): Cammie.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Tea woman, a big— secret terrible tea woman with big hat. What can— what's— are you— are you a powerful— are you a powerful magician that—
Brandon (as Umbi): The most.
Julia (as Cammie): I'm Cammie.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): That's Nonny.
Julia (as Cammie): This is Nonny.
Julia: She holds Nonny up.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Why does an octopus have an electric whip?
Julia (as Cammie): She likes it.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Is it attached to her?
Julia (as Cammie): Yes, it's a prosthesis.
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): What— what a— what a wonderful world— what a wonderful motley crew you've amassed for yourself.
Amanda (as Troy): Well, listen, if you ever want to step outside the— the bounds of your command and come spend a day on the high seas, I can't guarantee you'll return alive, but if you do, you'll definitely have stories.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): If, well—
Brandon (as Umbi): So, are like the Crags— Cragish people after—
Amanda (as Troy): Oh, yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): —Audrey or are they just, like, reporting on sightings?
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): No, it—
Brandon (as Umbi): Are they like trailing her?
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): I'm so— sorry, you must excuse me for my reverie. Of course. No, they— they're only reporting a— I always trying to track the ter— track the terrible Rotten Queen.
Brandon (as Umbi): Okay.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): She's too—
Brandon (as Umbi): Too terrible.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): It would be— it would be— oh, as my father—
Amanda (as Troy): Too rotten.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): As my father would say, "It would be fucking nuts."
Amanda (as Troy): Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): That would be your dad.
Amanda (as Troy): No, that's true. We are. We are. we're going to find her and make sure she doesn't kill anyone else. In the meantime, we got to stop by that Labyrinth, so can someone help us get there without kind of melting?
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Well, Prince Troy, I'll have to ask, what is your true intention? What is the goal of— of a— a former state— of a former statesman, a powerful— a powerful magician and a— and a— and a wayward Prince. What is your ultimate goal?
Brandon (as Umbi): You can call me your uncle, it's fine.
Amanda (as Troy): Or Grandpa.
Brandon (as Umbi): [To the tune of Santa Baby] Uncle Umbi.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): No, no, no.
Amanda: A bunch of men appear, arrows pointed at you.
Julia: That song is banned here in the Crags.
Amanda: Yeah.
Eric: It gets stuck in my head.
Amanda (as Troy): Find the Salmon, save the world, of course. Bring back the Cascade.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Well, of course, it's all what we're all doing here, but truly, you're going— you're going after it?
Amanda (as Troy): We're gonna find the Salmon, save the world, bring back the Cascade, bring glory to the Crags.
Brandon (as Umbi): Crags, Crags, Crags, Crags, Crags, Crags, Crags, Crags.
Julia (as Cammie): Crags, Crags, Crags, Crags, Crags,
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Crags, Crags, Crags, Crags, Crags.
Amanda (as Troy): See— see, I'm behind— yeah. See, guys, what you don't know is we chant that when our, like, bodily functions are on the verge of failure. So if you get—
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh.
Amanda (as Troy): —too hot, just— just chant ‘Crags’ and then it sort of, you know, regulates everything. Yeah.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh. That's cool. That's smart.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Hmm. So you're saying— so you must be going after the Labyrinth because you believe the keys are real?
Brandon (as Umbi): I mean, we've seen one of them.
Amanda (as Troy): It's what we got right now. Can we trust you?
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): You see— ah, the key from the stadium is one of the keys.
Brandon (as Umbi): I assume. I mean, I didn't see it close-up or anything. It could just be a fake. Who knows?
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): I hope it's not.
Brandon (as Umbi): Me, too.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Interesting.
Amanda (as Troy): We're making real progress, and your help today will help us get the next one.
Brandon (as Umbi): You’re— are you going after—you're not going after it, are you?
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): No, of course. I— I have to stay here at my post, but it is something that we've— we knew— we— it's one of the pieces of information that's passed on from King— from King to King that they've— and now, Troy, you've— Prince Troy, you figured it out on your own. Incredible.
Brandon (as Umbi): Oh, it's like the book that presidents get to say the aliens are real.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Exactly.
Julia (as Cammie): Hmm.
Amanda (as Troy): I mean, what do you mean? You're saying— you're saying Hyperion knows the whole rhyme?
Brandon: Ooh.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Possibly. I cannot say what the king knows or does not. But I know that— that— I know that we— that they— we know that the keys are real and not metaphorical, of course.
Julia (as Cammie): Of course.
Amanda (as Troy): Of course. I have always known that just as I have always known how to read.
Julia (as Cammie): From the day he was born.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): I have to say to all of you, you've been making quite a name for yourself out on the sea, but you are not the only one searching for the keys and know that the keys are real. Especially if— hmm.
Julia (as Cammie): No, we met Tessie, we kind of know.
Brandon (as Umbi): Yeah.
Amanda (as Troy): Speak— speak freely, Commander.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Hmm. Well—
Brandon (as Umbi): I know your dad, we're buddies, I'm your uncle. Ayy, ayy!
Julia (as Cammie): Uncle—
Julia: I'm sorry. I almost did it again. I'm sorry.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): I can certainly show you safe passage through the Boiling Reef to the Divine Labyrinth, but there is something you're gonna have to do for me first.
Julia (as Cammie): Besides Troy being the royalty?
Amanda (as Troy): Asking favors of your Prince?
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Well, it's—you are here at the same time as someone else, but I'd much rather give this to you than them.
Julia (as Cammie): Who?
Amanda (as Troy): Who's here?
Brandon (as Umbi): Who? What?
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Well—
Amanda (as Troy): If she's a bunch of rainbow carrots, I swear to God.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): No.
Julia (as Cammie): We could just kill Lucky Edie, guys. I'm just saying like—
Brandon (as Umbi): Why? She's so neutral?
Julia (as Cammie): —she seems nice, but— hmm.
Eric (as Commander Vineyard): Well, Prince Troy and your powerful crew, how would you like to be privateers?
Julia (as Cammie): Ooh.
[theme]