6: Wedding Party VI

Ready, set, chase! Our party must save Alonzo before the Red Throat Gang can make off with his disguised self. Will the rescue him or will this chase scene be for nothing? Johnny haggles. Tracey charges. Inara makes a friend.

The party continues on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Tumblr @JointhePartyPod! On our Patreon page (patreon.com/jointhepartypod), you can unlock exclusive bonus content like cut scenes, bloopers, character backstories, player blog posts, Dungeons & Dragons game tips, and so much more. Transcripts are available for every episode at jointhepartypod.com. Have stories or questions for the next Afterparty? Email hello@jointhepartypod.com or visit http://jointhepartypod.com/contact.

Join the Party is produced by Eric Silver, Brandon Grugle, Amanda McLoughlin, and Michael Fische. Special thanks to our creative consultants Connor McLoughlin, Julia Schifini, and Heddy Hunt, and to Donna Fenimore (@donnapastry) and Jonathan Buckmaster (@bucky_masters) for voicing the Guards.


Transcript

Amanda: Last time on Join the Party

Eric: With the baddies vanquished,

Amanda (as Inara): Take that, shadow! Try to come back here again! No you can’t!

Eric: Our heroes finally get a chance to breathe. Just kidding. They’re part of a sneaky heist. They smuggle out Alonzo…

Inara: we’re gonna put some pigment on his face to make him look more like James…

Eric: And tell Nessie not to wait up.

Michael: I close the door to make sure that Nessie can’t get out and cast Light on her nose.

Tracey: Oh that’s great thank you

Eric: What a lovely day in the market--until the Red Throats kidnap the disguised prince and try to ride off. It’s 2 Fast, 2 Furious: 2 Fantasy. Let’s get the party started.

(Theme music)

(Slow music plays)

Eric: Here’s how we’re going to do this chase. You have two sides: the chasers (that’s you) and the runners, that’s the red throats. With the head start they got, they’re about 100 feet away. I’ve broken down the chase into a certain number of legs, which is a secret. If you reduce the gap to zero before the end of the chase, the runners are caught and the chase ends. Otherwise, the runners escape. Now here’s how the chase works in game play. At the start of each leg, one of you is going to represent your team (and we’ll go around in a circle so everyone gets a shot). I’m going to pick one of the Red Throat. The two characters make an opposed Athletics checks. Who ever wins the check will widens or closes the gap by your speed, so 25 feet. Then, I’m going to roll on this handy dandy Chase Even table. If you rolled an odd result on  your the check, the event happens to you. If you rolled an even result, the other side will be hit with whatever is on the table. These can be positive or negative, who knows? I’m going to keep track of the chase mechanics, so you just focus on what gets thrown at you. Got it?

(Music stops and crickets chirp)

Eric: The centaur is running away. How do you all react?

Brandon: Tracey is going to just dash as fast as he can after him without regard to his teammates.

Amanda: Inara looks up at these covered market stalls and realizes that this is her moment. And I'm going to run across this market, Jason Bourne style, across the tops of these market stalls.

Eric: Okay…

Amanda: But first I want to turn on Tracey’s rage mode. So do I get him quick enough or do I have to throw something?

Eric: I would say you have to throw something if Tracey's going without any regard. So what do you throw?

Amanda: I have a bag of ball bearings in my pack because I'm a tricky little teen.

(Laughter)

Brandon: cause you skateboard.

Amanda: Of course I do!

Brandon: There’s ball bearings involved.

Amanda: There's a backward baseball hat. She’s a fantasy teen skate punk.

Brandon: Exactly.

Amanda: Anyway I'm going to throw it at Tracey's rage switch.

Eric: Make a ranged attack.

Amanda: So six plus five, 11.

Eric: Yeah you hit it right.

Amanda: And I yell, “Sorry!”

(Laughter)

Eric: All right. What do you make a acrobatics check just to get up on the stalls.

Amanda: So that’s a 13 plus seven for a 20. To be clear I want to follow the progress of the centaur as closely as I can so that I can drop down and grab James or something, some other cool trick.

Eric: I like to imagine that like the imaginary camera it's like following all of you is now like going hand-held it is following Inara.

Amanda: Oh yeah for sure.

Eric: Just like freehands it up, like parkours it, on top of these things. You just book it.

Amanda: What I actually do is use a handstand to spring my way, I like flip up onto the market roof--

Eric: (Laughs)

Brandon: Oooof, so good.

Amanda: And run like that flippy little rogue than I am across those narrow beams of the market stalls.

Eric: Oh absolutely.

Amanda: Yeah.

Eric: And also there are people, the people below in the market, are like, (whispers) “Oh wow,  oh who is that? It’s a spy!”

Amanda: Yeah like tossing my hair over my shoulder and trying to look pretty cool for the teens who will sing of this day.

Eric: Awesome.

(Laughter)

Eric: You’re a teen folk hero?!

Michael: Oh my gosh.

Amanda: This is Inara’s moment! Her entire life has led up to this!

Eric: Someone just invented Tumblr--

Michael: (Laughter)

Eric: --cause they were watching you run and tumble, and they were like, “Oh, what a great social media app!”

(Laughter)

Amanda: They’re gonna post eye-catching memes and sing of my actions! Actually, next week in the skate parks of Fidapolis there’s gonna be a contest to see if anyone can replicate those sick moves.

Eric: I'm going to make a role for mythology to see if this happens.

Amanda: Gladly.

Eric: Oh yeah I roll a 19. Yeah, oh, that's canon. You are, you are the myth, the Flippin’ Teen.

Amanda: And this will be known as Flip Day, and forevermore this will be a day for teens to take off of school.

Michael: Johnny really cares about making sure Alonzo is safe, but he's not going to run.

Amanda: (Laughs)

Michael: That's just, just not. But what Johnny will do is cast Guiding Bolt. It's a flash of light streaking towards the creature of choice within range.

Eric: Who are you hitting?

Michael: The centaur.

Eric: Okay, great.

Michael: That's a 16.

Eric: Oh yeah you got it.

Michael: (In weirdly deep voice) Yes, yes!

Michael: So here's a few things that are like really important about what's about to happen. All roles versus this target are going to have advantage until it's my turn again. And best of all, the target has dim glittering light all over their entire body.

Brandon: Yes.

Michael: So this center just starts shining brightly.

Amanda: Awesome.

Michael: The book of light is happy today. So that is a 16 plus… (Laughs) That's 20 points of damage.

Eric: You just aggressively attacked this centaur.

Michael: I did.

Amanda: And the inaugural Flip Day was marked by a heinous and unpredicted, unprovoked murder in the middle of Fidapolis Market Square!

(Laughter)

Eric: All right, let me look up Centaur HP… Just give me a second… All right, the centaur takes 20 points of damage. And I'm going to actually bump down its speed.

Amanda: Nice.

Eric: Its speed is 50, but since you royally kicked its butt with light, I'm going to actually bump it down to 40.

Michael: I would… this is at DM discretion, would prestidigitation allow me to make my voice louder? It affects things like wind and music.

Eric: Yes, yes, that’s definitely true.

Brandon: Can you sing it?

Amanda: You, you can use the wind to like carry your voice.

Brandon: ...can you also sing it please?

Michael: I will sing. Johnny then bellows…

Johnny: (In exaggerated ballad-singing cadence) On yonder centaur, on that glowing centaur, is Alonzo the beloved of the city! Everyone go, help him, help him, high five him, give him smooches! Show him your looooove!

Brandon: (Laughs)

Michael: Into the market.

Eric: I will give you that if you prestidigitation-ed your voice and blew it up, I would say that they're definitely aware. Everyone knows there's a kidnapping happening.

Michael: I'd love to see if I can spot any kind of loose horse or donkey around for me to ride.

Amanda: (Laughs)

Michael: Or even a large mastiff dog.

(Laughter)

Eric: Yeah, okay, fine. About hundred feet away in the opposite direction there's a pet store and there's a plastic class and it actually says, ‘Puppers R Us’ is the name of it.

Amanda: Great, great.

Eric: And there is a someone in a big dog costume kind of spinning a sign.

Michael: Johnny walks towards the pet store.

Eric: Yep. You press your face to the glass and like breathe heavily on it, and you actually see some like lizards scurrying around. You see some puppies kind of playing with each other.

Michael: Aww.

Eric: There’s like a big cat tower, and then off to the left is a stable. And there are three different four-legged creatures in the stable. One is is a donkey, one is a horse, and (in higher-pitched voice) the third one looks a little bit strange. It's like a camel. And the camel is wearing running shoes.

(Laughter)

Michael: Wow. That's amazing.

Eric: Uh, and that's what you see when you put your face to the glass.

Michael: So Johnny goes in.

(Sound of a shop bell)

Michael: Are there any people around or are they all distracted by things?

Eric: There's only one person, there's one person behind the counter.

(Faint old-timey music starts playing)

Michael: Let me, let's get right to it. How much does the price tag say in front of this camel?

Eric: Sure, okay…

Amanda: (To the tune of “How Much is that Doggie in the Window”) How much is that camel in the window, the one with the super sweet kicks?

(Laughter)

Eric: There's a sign kind of like above like the stable that those three are over. The donkey is ten gold pieces. The horse is 50 gold pieces, and it says, “Joe.” It just says Joe.

Michael: Oh no, okay.

Eric: It says “Joe, 100 gold pieces.”

Michael: Johnny meanders his way, as if he's looking at other things and is not totally just trying to get Joe the camel. To the shopkeep,

Johnny: My friend, I am here to take a test drive of the camel. Would you like to join me?

Eric (as Shopkeep): Hmm…

Eric: There’s a half-orc, a large half-orc man on the counter and he just kind of growls at you a little bit. He says,

Eric (as Shopkeep): Mmm, I don't fit on Joe. But I do not give out test rides. (Pause) Sir. This is not a charity where you can do test rides.

Johnny: But how will I know if Joe's the right fit for me and my…

Michael: Quietly cast prestidigitation on my gold pouch so it sounds like there's a lot of gold in there.

Amanda: Oh damn.

Eric (as Shopkeep): Mmm, Joe is right for everyone who can ride him.

Johnny: But how--

Eric (as Shopkeep): He has shoes. Have you ever seen a four legged animal with shoes before?

Brandon: (Laughs)

Eric (as Shopkeep): Therefore, ergo, as you see, Joe is right for everyone.

Johnny: But is he right for me? I'd love to see.

Eric (as Shopkeep): Are you everyone? ...yes. Joe. Joe is right for you.

(Laughter)

Michael: No, I’m, I’m only one…

Eric (as Shopkeep): Joe is right for everyone.

Johnny: I'll pay double the list price if I enjoy the test ride.

Eric: Okay, make a persuasion.

Michael: Eight plus seven, fifteen.

Eric: So the orc man comes out from behind the desk. He is holding the largest crossbow you have ever seen in your entire life. It is half the size of your body and the half orc man says,

Eric (as Shopkeep): Hmm. A lot of gold seems like a good idea, but I'm going to watch you ride Joe.

(Shop bell chimes; cricket noises return)

Eric: And he takes the reins of Joe and now you are outside. He's actually holding his crossbow with one hand which is very impressive. And he sets up outside. He's just kind of waiting there and with the crossbow locked on you.

Johnny: Actually, friend, seeing him in the light of day, I'm not quite sure this is the right shade of camel for me. But those shoes look spectacular. How much if I were to buy them off of you?

Eric (as Shopkeep): Mmm, those shoes only stay on camel. Joe is able to do sweet tricks with said shoes. That's why he is worth a lot. He is trick pony. Trick camel. Trick dromedary. Three humps.

Eric: And you notice Joe has three humps.

Amanda: (Laughs)

Eric: When you are riding on top of Joe and Joe goes full speed, and you want to do some sweet acrobatics, you get the advantage on acrobatics.

Michael: Johnny climbs on Joe and starts walking him slowly, as if it was a normal test drive, in the direction of where the chaos was happening. And he says,

Johnny: Hey, I'm just going to take him around the corner and around the block. How’s that sound?

Eric: Make another persuasion roll.

Michael: Not great, that's only on 11.

Eric: The storekeeper says,

Eric (as Shopkeep): Let me follow you while you go that way.

Eric: Let's say you're about 15 feet away and he's kind of trailing a little bit behind you.

Michael: OK.

Eric: He's trailing 15, 20 feet as the camel walks a little bit farther, and around the corner...

Michael: As Johnny turns the corner, he casts dancing lights to create a form of the camel and himself riding it, and then slaps the camel and attempts to go high speed out of the way.

Eric: (Laughs)

Michael: And just goes.

Eric: OK. The the half orc kind of sees the dancing lights go one way and follows it for a second and then sees you speeding off the other way. And he fires off a crossbow bolt. And I'm going to say your combined AC.... I don't know, what is it?

Michael: I'm a 13.

Eric: Yeah. The crossbow bolt, the largest you've ever seen, whizzes by you.

Michael: Yes!

Eric: Yeah, and I want you to imagine, it's like someone threw like a football past your head and it just kind of like whizzes by you and it spooks Joe so much that he starts running. He takes a sharp left and he dive-bombs through an alley. You're running up and you come to a fence.

Michael: (Laughs) Oh no.

Eric: And, and Joe the camel jumps all the way up in the air, does a full somersault, and lands on his feet.

Michael: Yes!!

Eric: And just keeps a bookin’ it.

Michael: Yes!

Eric: There was an urchin just like standing below the fence, and looks up, and just like mouth agape. And, and all the child says is, “Sweet flip.”

Michael: (Chuckles) Cool.

Eric: All right, you're off and running. I'm going to say that Inara and Tracey, since you guys had to do that stuff to go all Jason Bourne and flip your switch, that you are about 75 feet behind the centaur, who is now a little bit stunned and glittery. Here's what's going to happen. You are going to do different checks against the runners which is the center and the two halflings. And we're going to see how far—you either get closer, or how far, they go farther.

Brandon: Sounds great.

Eric: OK, so who is going to go first?

Brandon: I think Tracey will go first. He is probably the closest to them.

Eric: Sure. And the center is going to go first against you.

Brandon: OK.

Eric: We're going to do athletics checks.

Brandon: Great. I rolled an 18.

Eric: Ah, I got a 15. OK, you're going to close the gap by 25 feet. You book it and you throw some people out of the way, and you are 25 feet closer to the centaur that's galloping away.

Brandon: And as I'm throwing these people away I'm like

Tracey: Sorry, sorry! Sorry!

Eric: (Laughs) The Centaur looks back and sees both of you gaining on him, and he then starts to try to weave into one of the stalls. And you see that there's, the store owner is trying to, giving like big jars of stuff to other people. And actually as the centaur kind of like goes through, it startles the shop owner enough to drop the jar, and like you see a flurry of flame kind of burst out of the jar. Like two big flaming hands go after the centaur. And the centaur fails, crit one, and at the center… (Laughs) The centaur takes ten damage.

Michael: Wow.

Eric: This centaur is not looking good. And again I'm going to drop its speed down a little bit as well because it is having a hard time grabbing all these things, and also now singed. And you see like the two halflings like covering up Alonzo as James, like protecting him from the fire. So the centaur is the only one that takes damage. And Inara, it's your turn.

Amanda: All right, trying to gain on this centaur.

Eric: Yeah.

Amanda: That's an 11 plus seven acrobatics for an 18.

Eric: Ooh, they… okay, they got a 17. And you make it another 25 feet closer. You're right on top of them.

Amanda: Awesome.

Eric: The centaur, now it is all covered in flame, one of the halflings kind of grabs it by its own reins and then spurs it on, and it takes a hard right into an alley.

Amanda: I want to pursue it and use my flippy skills to get a jump across the market walkway to wherever they went.

Eric: Yeah, okay, they go into the alley. Tracey, you following?

Brandon: So as I see them take a right, you know, I’m barreling full speed ahead. So I take my shield out real quickly from behind my back, and of like shove it into the ground, and then kind of do like a spinning move. Then I transfer all my momentum to running again after them.

Amanda: And do you leave a divot in the ground, like a UFO just landed in the middle of this dirt floor?

Brandon: Absolutely, I’m going to take my shield with me, but yes.

Eric: Oh yes of course. I love that. You come in through the alley and just like there was a fence before, there's another fence, but this one is actually wooden. And the halfling pulls a bow off of its back and fires an arrow that you've never seen before. Like, there's something glittering on top of the head. And it actually like surreptitiously does something under its robe, and that arrow was on fire. And it fires it right at the wooden fence, and that wooden fence starts to burn. And the center just like lowers its shoulder and busts its way through.

Brandon: Neat.

Eric: You're still 25 feet away.

Brandon: Great, I rolled a 16.

Eric: Ugh, the Halfling actually rolled a 17.

Brandon: (Exasperated sign)

Eric: And they were emboldened by how dope that last thing was. It actually goes 50 feet longer. You actually take a left and you wind your way back into the main market area.

(Crowd noises mix into the cricket noises)

Eric: You see in front of you three dwarves are trying to pull an albino bison through, through the marketplace. And all three drawves are trying to like push and pull the bison in any sort of way, and it is not moving at all. And like, you see these dudes like really try to tug on this thing. As you ride by, the second halfling pulls out a recorder and plays something on it. And all of a sudden the bison’s eyes get really really big. And it charges Tracey.

Brandon: Okay, uh, I think I'm going to pull a javelin out of my bag and try to pole vault over the albino bison.

Eric: Why don't you make a strength saving throw?

Brandon: 17.

Eric: (Laughs) All right, yeah, you take the javelin and jab it into the ground and just launch yourself over this albino bison. You even actually like get a foot on top of it and you push yourself off. And although you don't gain any ground you do save your footing.

Brandon: Can I pet him as I go by?

Eric: Yeah sure!

Brandon: Cool.

(Laughter)

Brandon: Tracey pets him.

Eric: That’s nice.

Michael: What’s the status of any urchin children seeing this as well?

Eric: There are actually two urchin children sitting next to each other sharing crackers, and they say, “Nice.”

Michael: So in the mythology of this day, a few urchin children have seen Inara climbing and flipping over marketplace stalls and things. One saw Joe the camel and Johnny B. Goodlight flipping over…

Amanda: Yup.

Brandon: (Laughs)

Michael: ...flipping over a fence, and now two more have seen another acrobatic feat of pole vaulting with a light caress petting of this albino bison, already cool enough. This day was just spectacular.

Brandon: I like to think none of these urchins will believe each other but like, collectively there’s gonna be this mythology of, “I saw this and I saw THIS!”

Amanda: “And you were there, and you were there…”

Michael: (Laughs)

Amanda: And very like, subtly and tentatively they’re gonna test out each other’s boundaries, and be like, “And, and, and I saw this crazy…” “No, I saw this crazy thing…” I’m just seeing this as like Gertrude Stein’s apartment in Paris, 1920, where like all the urchin children are gonna grow up to be like the bards of the next generation, inspired by this one improbable event that they saw on this day.

Brandon: We did it, guys. We inspired the newest generation.

Amanda: We can quit now.

Michael: We’re heroes.

Eric: The Flippin’ Generation.

(Laughter)

Eric: Okay. You keep running, and actually you see the landscape start to change. You’re getting farther away from the marketplace and you're now kind of in an open area. And it's turning into like a botanical gardens—there's like fountains and trees and some bushes and people jumping around. Inara, why don't you make a acrobatics roll to see if you continue to parkour your way into this new terrain?

Amanda: It's my favorite kind of roll, gladly. 14 plus seven for 21.

Eric: (Surprised) Yeah.

(Laughter)

Eric: You continue to—

Amanda: Can I run on top of the bushes?

Eric: Oh yeah, so whenever there's like a hedge maze you run on top of the bushes. You like jumped from tree to tree, and then you actually get on top of like a few statues and like push off of them.

Amanda: May I please do a full body swing around a tree branch?

Eric: Confirmed. That's exactly what happened.

Michael: (Laughter)

Amanda: Thank you. Are we getting closer to the castle? Are these the castle grounds or are we getting further away?

Eric: You're getting further away.

Amanda: OK.

Eric: Actually you are now 50 feet away, and Inara, it is your turn.

Amanda: 17 plus seven for 24.

Eric: All right, you beat the dilapidated centaur’s strength, and Tracey and Inara are now 25 feet closer, making you 25 feet away. You're gaining on this thing. Inara, as you were jumping from statue to statue, you actually jump into a large grassy area. You're no longer like jumping. There's nothing to jump onto.

Amanda: I’ll do some sweet rolls though.

Eric: Oh, sick rolls.

Michael: (Laughs)

Eric: And you actually see, as you look around you see a bunch of dogs around you. You've stumbled into a dog run in this area.

Amanda: Oh my God. (Delighted laughter) I didn't think this day could get any better and then it just did. Inara loves pups! She loves puppers! She’s an enthusiast!

Eric: As you were flipping through you see all types of dogs. Like jumping in, like barking around you.

Amanda: Are they jealous of my moves and are going to come follow me as their pack leader?

Eric: (Laughs) Sure, yeah.

Amanda: YES! WOO!

Michael: (Laughs)

Eric: Inara, do an animal handling.

Amanda: 11.

Eric: Okay, you get some of them to follow you.

Amanda: I only need the loyal ones, that's fine.

Eric: You get like two, kind of like start running after you as you flip.

Amanda: Cute and scrappy? Yeah.

Eric: Oh yeah, they’re very scrappy.

Brandon: (Laughs)

Eric: As you are running through, though, all of a sudden you see a puff of smoke? And the dumbest look dog you've ever seen, it's like a French bulldog with the most smushed face, appears in front of you.

Amanda: WHAT?

Brandon: (Laughs)

Eric: And I want you to make a constitution saving throw.

Amanda: Well, it’s a crit fail.

Eric: Yeah, that dog knocks you over. It is like just standing on top of your face and is like licking you a little bit, and you are stunned and you are no longer in the chase.

Amanda: Oh, I mean, that's what they say, folks. All sweet flips must come to an end.

Eric: And yeah, you notice that this French bulldog actually has two boxing gloves hanging over its neck.

Amanda: O… ok?

Eric: And is licking your face.

Amanda: Can I take them? Sleight of hand?

Eric: Sure. Sleight of hand from this pup.

Amanda: 15 plus three for an 18. Still got it.

Michael: (Laughs)

Eric: So the dog is like on top of your face.

Amanda: Just gently I'm just going to lift it off its neck and like put it behind my back into my pack.

Eric: Well, the dog also realizes that there's no longer a weight over it. So you definitely pulled it off and then it kind of realized there's no longer that weight. And he starts barking at you a lot.

(Barking)

Amanda: Can I please instruct somehow my two new dog companions to distract that pug as I try to run back in the direction of this chase?

Eric: Yeah, you could try to animal handle, yeah. Roll an animal handling.

Amanda: 11.

Eric: Yeah the dogs are definitely excited to have another dog in front of them. Like it's, trying to, like, play.

Amanda: I just want to run away as quickly as possible without having a pack of dogs following me, unless they're loyal.

Eric: You run away from the dogs and hop over the bushes that are separating the two. As you are running, and you're trying to sprint to regain the chase, all of a sudden, every so often, you see that the dog in puffs of smoke reappears. It's like he gets like really close to you and it's like 10 feet away, and then you like, you're still running because it has stubby little French bulldog legs, and then he just does another puff of smoke and it comes back in another 10 feet away. It is continuing to chase you.

Amanda: Is it safe to assume that it's like tied to his boxing gloves? Does Inara put that together?

Eric: I would say so, yeah. We're going to go back to Tracemaster over here. All right, you are now running through these bushes, and you are just kind of pushing through and just trying to follow as the centaur is galloping on top of it. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a camel comes back out onto the scene.

All: YES!

Eric: And is running right alongside you, and you look over and Johnny B. is holding on to the camel's neck, just hanging from the side.

Brandon: Tracey looks over to Johnny and just like, a little smirk comes over his face he just like winks at Johnny.

Eric: Nice. Johnny, you are now back in the chase. You are right next to Tracey and I'm going to give you, since you're riding on a steed, his strength is plus three and yours is negative one.

Michael: Yep.

Eric: So I'm going to give you plus one to all athletics roles.

Michael: Excellent.

Eric: So you now against halfling number one. Yup, go ahead.

Michael: That's an 18 plus one, 19.

Eric: Yeah, you beat the halfling. You rally Joe the camel who's galloping alongside the centaur, and you actually trying to sidle up alongside the centaur. And you are right on its tail. You can like see Alonzo's beard floating in the breeze behind you and you can nearly touch it. And then as you ride up alongside the centaur you guys kind of hit like a little divot where like a flower bed is. And both Joe the camel and the centaur stumble a little bit, and your pack kind of bounces up and opens up. And you see that your Cloak of the Eternal Guest is popping out of your pack. What don’t you make a dexterity saving throw?

Michael: (Giggles) 7.

Eric: Oh no! So it bounces out of your pack and you reach back to try to grab it, and it slips through your fingers.

Michael: Rest in peace.

Eric: All right, RIP, RIP. You are now sidled up alongside the centaur. What do you do?

Michael: Johnny mutters the words he's said so many times to cast Sheleighleigh, which... Insert words here.

Eric: (Laughs)

Amanda: I'm sorry, what that? I didn’t hear that.

Michael: Insert words here.

Amanda: Sorry? Sorry?

Johnny: Insert words here

Michael: ...is the spell for Sheleighleigh.

(Laughter)

Michael: Cast Sheleighleigh on his quarterstaff and attempts to bonk the head of the Centaur.

Eric: Oh yeah you do.

Michael: (Laughs)

Eric: I’m going to say say since you're right up on it, I'm going to give you success on it. What's the damage?

Michael: It's a 1d8+6. Let me roll… that's a 10.

Eric: You are so mean to this centaur.

Michael: (High-pitched) He stole Alonzo! I think I’m allowed to do it.

Eric: Okay, You hit the centaur over the head and it just like, you that whack thing. The centaur shakes and like bucks enough and is just, like, out of it. Both of the halflings are holding on to its main for dear life and all Alonzo falls off the back of the centaur.

Brandon: As Tracey sees Alonzo like sliding off the back of the centaur, in bullet time, he just makes like a diving save to try to grab Alonzo.

Eric: That would be, I guess, an acrobatics check. Yeah, do it.

Brandon: 11?

Eric: (laughs)

Amanda: Please, O DM, please?

Eric: You dive forward as Alonzo bounces back off the centaur. Oh, he just lands right through your hands and lands in a mud puddle.

Michael: (Laughs)

Brandon and Amanda: Oh noooooo, so sad.

Eric: And here is all covered in mud and so are you because you're the mud puddle. Oh noooo. I know, he's all covered with mud now. Aw geez. The centaur continues on and just like the halflings kind of both shake their fists over you. And you actually hear similar chanting, even though it's a little far away. You're like “Red Throat Gang! Red Throat Gang! Red Throat Gang!” And you can see them go through the rest of the gardens and into the narrow streets on the other side and take a left. And they are out of view.

(Crickets fade)

Amanda: Hey, Amanda here! Do you know when you’re swimming in the ocean, and you see a big big wave coming toward you, so you hold your nose because you never really learned how not to do that, and you dive down right before the break, and your whole body is suspended in this perfect balance of the wave’s force and your own forward momentum. You’re hanging there, weightless for one brief moment, and when you surface, the wave already broke, and the danger is behind you, and the sea is one big gentle prairie of potential, stretching endlessly before you. This is that moment. Welcome to the midroll.

To start out, a huge thank-you to our new patrons, David and Lucia, and our newest Party Legend, Megan! She will be getting every episode two days early, as well as a customized gift, just for her. We wrote some recipes from our characters for Party Legend Seth, including Inara’s Dad’s oatcakes, and it was so much fun to do. Our Patron-only Discord chat room is also going strong! We’re making book recommendations, sharing photos of our recent beach trip, discussing non-D&D RPGs, and more. For as little as $2 you can get in on the fun at patreon.com/jointhepartypod.

Everyone is welcome to the party on Twitter and Instagram, where we’re @JoinThePartyPod. Listener Katie has been livetweeting every episode, which we just LOVE. We can’t watch y’all listen to the episodes but we can read your tweets, and it’s a very close second. We’d be stoked if you shared your favorite moment from this episode using #jointhepartypod. AND, speaking of #jointhepartypod, we have a sick giveaway going on right now! And I am so excited to tell you all about it.

For the next few days you have a chance to win a very cool D&D hat. It’s the D&D logo, the dragon with the D, in black embroidery on a black snapback, which is very classy. All you have to do to enter the contest is recommend Join the Party to someone! That’s it! Do it on social media, in person, via text, via carrier pigeon--whatever, we don’t care. And once you do, send us proof. Screenshot, selfie, or tag us in whatever post you make. Use #jointhepartypod on Twitter and Instagram, tag us on Facebook, or even email us. And you can enter up to three times with three different recommendations. Three chances to win the very coolest of hats! I love wearing mine on the subway or in the airport, and I keep hoping that someone will look at my head and be like, “You! D&D! Do you have a podcast? Can I listen to it?” and no one’s done that yet, but if we see each other we’ll just give, like, a secret handshake. It’s gonna be awesome.

Anyway! The contest closes on Friday August 4th at 11:59pm EDT.

Oh, and also, Eric is going to be on the Dungeoncast, our friends that we did our first Punch Bowl interview with. He’ll be talking about the Monk, which is a really cool character. So go listen, and tell us how you like it! Next week, we’ll be publishing a Punch Bowl interview with the Venture Maidens, an amazing D&D podcast. Celeste, the DM, and Brittany, who plays a warlock, talk about gaming, growth, and running an all-women streaming outfit. They’re the best. Keep your eyes on the prize.

If that’s not enough JTP for you, you can always send us game tales and questions! We want to hear stories from your campaigns, and we want to help you out! We got a bunch of great questions for this week’s Afterparty via email, which is hello@jointhepartypod.com. Go on and send us one. You can also do that on our website, jointhepartypod.com. Did you know we post transcripts of every episode and Afterparty on the site? Just go to jointhepartypod.com and click “Episodes” to read them.

All right, let's get back to the party.

(Music plays into cricket noises)

Johnny: I'd say that was quite a ride.

(Everyone bursts out laughing)

Eric: Whaaat? Who are… Are you saying that Joe the camel?

Michael: No. I say that to them, like Tracey. They're in the mud pile.

Brandon: Tracey has a great little belly laugh. He enjoyed that a lot.

Amanda: His belly just goes up and down like a lever.

Michael: As he laughs, I cast prestidigitation on them to clean them, as they're standing in the mud puddle.

Eric: It's like big window wipers have just, like—

Michael: Alonzo's hair looks like it's being blow dried as well.

Eric: That's nice. So you've also wiped away the beard and whatever dwarf makeup you put on him, and the smell. It's all wiped off and he's like shaking himself off. And Alonzo takes a deep breath then says,

Eric (as Alonzo): I am not having a good day... There should be three of you.

Tracey: Correct.

Johnny: Yeah. I don't know what happened there. I'm assuming you don't know those guys but they're part of the Red Throat Crew, right.

Eric (as Alonzo): Yeah, the Ted Throat Gang. Yeah, they don't they don't like me very much. And it’s a good thing they thought I was James or I would have... I would have dealt with a much worse fate there. Grrrrm, this is… I'm not having a good day.

Tracey: Why did they want to kidnap, James?

Eric (as Alonzo): I think... that's a good question. I think they just kind of want people who are surrounded by me? Like people who are affiliated with the castle and with just the Kiko name. They really just don't like anything royal. But, you know, James, also he's, he makes poisons. Like that's his job, and the Red Throats love poisons. And they also love controlling animals in nature? What was the deal with that bison? That was crazy.

Johnny: I'll tell you, they poisoned a great day at the market.

Amanda: And exactly at that moment Inara runs up, only slightly out of breath, and says “UGH” to Johnny’s pun.

(Laughter)

Eric: And as you show up and you stop running, a puff of smoke appears to your left and a little French bulldog is barking at you and it's kind of like pawing at your side.

Inara: Uh, guys, I've had a bit of an afternoon. Any of you know about pugs that come with boxing gloves and just kind of like show up next to you intermittently?

Brandon: Can I roll like an Arcana check?

Eric: That sounds like a lovely idea.

Brandon: OK. I will roll Arcana?

Amanda: And I didn’t get a chance to do that before. So I will as well.

Brandon: 12

Amanda: 18 plus 2 for 20.

Eric: You recognize the puff of smoke, now that you're no longer running…

Amanda: Yeah, I guess before I was just distracted by all the puppies around me.

Eric: You had a lot going on... Is a blink dog. A blink dog has the ability to blink in and out of existence. It's just like a really nice pup, but it also has the ability to magically teleport itself and anything that it's carrying. It was unable to catch up with you because it has stubby little French bulldog legs. It was literally teleporting to keep up with you. And that is its ability.

Amanda: So I'm going to reach into my pack and bring out an oatcake and sorta crumble it and then kneel down and offer it to the dog to see if I can convince him or her or them to be my companion.

Eric: That was adorable with the oatcake, so I'll give you advantage on animal handling throw.

Amanda: My first rolls of 18 plus one for 19. And then I got a... Nat 20.

Eric: Alright, the dog goes after the oats like really aggressively and it jumps up. And for a moment you realize that it's not going after your pack anymore, like it was before but it actually kind of like likes you and it goes up and licks your face.

Amanda: And I scratch under its chin and then behind its ears and say,

Inara: Aw, dog, I'm glad you found me.

Brandon: Tracey is melting from the adorableness.

(Laugh)

Amanda: Like an ice cream cone.

Brandon: He can’t handle this.

Michael: He wants to do something hopefully as adorable but probably will end up in failure and tears, with Joe the Camel.

(Laughter)

Eric: (Laughs) What do you do? Wait, are you going to do?

Michael:  So I take an apple from my pack, from my food rations.

Amanda: WAIT. Have you had rations THIS WHOLE TIME?!

Brandon: You had snacks the whole time?!

Amanda: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Michael: I JUST REALIZED! That doesn't make any sense, slash, or I've always had rations.

Eric:  You’ve always had rations!

Michael: I’ve always had rations!!

Amanda: In this moment of need, you realized a need greater than yourself.

Michael: No I can explain!

Eric: It’s called lying, it’s called being a liar.

Michael: These rations were just in case I actually got really hungry.

(Laughter)

Amanda: Bro, you were so hungry that we jumped out of a castle window earlier. Like an hour ago.

(Laughter)

Brandon: When Tracey sees Johnny pull the apple out of his pack, Tracey just walks over and punches him in the arm.

Amanda: (Laughs)

Brandon: Like friends do. But like, also, like in a way that says like, hey, not cool bro. ...Tracey critically missed.

(Laughter)

Eric: Tracey, when you swing at Johnny, you fall back into the mud puddle.

Amanda: Oh noooo. (Laughs)

Michael: So I'm going to roll animal handling with this apple. It's an eight.

Eric: You try to give the apple to the camel and Joe kind of puts its entire mouth over your hand and most of your forearm. It is kind of like gnaws on it. And like, it hurts a little bit, but it's more like sandpaper is running against your hand. And it is very unpleasant.

Johnny: Oh, there you go, eat the whole thing. Leave a few digits for me. Thanks.

(Laughter)

Amanda: And Inara is just kneeling in the dirt, happily playing with the bulldog.

Brandon: Tracey's just like in the mud puddle, like making mud pies.

Amanda: Is he making a mud angel?

Brandon: He did that already.

Amanda: Great.

Brandon: And then he's making mud pies and like stacking them like assembly line styles. Like,

Inara: You guys ready to eat?

Amanda: Awwww.

Eric: Alonzo sighs very loudly and says,

Eric (as Alonzo): Today is a terrible day.

Michael: As Johnny soothes the camel and removes his half of his arm from the camel's mouth,

Eric: (Evil DM chuckle)

Michael: And, like, shakes his arm to get rid of some of the saliva...

Amanda: Not gonna cast prestidig?

Eric: Sometimes you got to do it the old fashioned way.

Michael: It's like satisfying to feel that ooze and the saliva from the camel get, get off the—

Amanda: Reminds you of the slimy caves of your youth.

Michael: Ew, oh god.

Johnny: Ok, Alonzo, so where are we exactly? I've never actually been to this part of the town.

Eric (as Alonzo): Uh...

Eric: And Alonzo kind of looks around it and rubs his eyes. He says,

Eric (as Alonzo): Yeah, we're, we're in the Fidapolis Botanical Gardens. We're like, we're pretty far past the market? Um, I don't know, like north of... north of where we started. We're far... we're... let’s just say we're far.

Michael: You know, Alonzo, you've had a rough day and we just have a chance to celebrate now. How about we head back to the market, find your friend Flint… Uh, Diamond… Uh, Coal? It was Coal?

Eric: It was, it was Kohl.

Michael: Yes. Well then, we figure out more about that necklace and maybe you and I can talk about some of that little magic you were trying there.

Inara: And maybe get some food.

Amanda: Inara has not forgotten that you've been carrying an apple this whole time.

Eric:  Alonzo shakes himself off one more time and looks down on the medallion. The medallion has not moved since the last time you've seen him and he's like,

Eric (as Alonzo): Well this thing, yeah, this thing's, well, a piece of junk is... what it is, I guess. Yeah, let's go, let's go see Kohl. Let's go back to the way we came.

Eric: Alonzo leads you out of the gardens and… (Laughs) This is a much different party than when you started. There’s an old dad carrying a book, a teen doing flips on the ground, a robot covered in mud, a tiny French bulldog blinking in and out of existence, a camel who may or may not be smoking and wearing running shoes, and a prince who is really tired and just wants to go home.

(Crickets fade into dripping noises)

Guard 1: Master Necteria.

Eric (as Greg): I need to see the prisoner.

Guard 1: Which, um, which prisoner?

Eric (as Greg): My sister. I need to see my sister.

Guard 1: Master Necteria, are you sure that's safe? She could be dangerous.

Eric (as Greg): Don't worry about me. I know all her moves. First, a running tackle and then three quick punches. Then right for the eyes. Or, one time, she ripped out my earring. Right? Riiight? Gregina? WHO GAGGED HER? SHE IS NEAR ROYALTY.

Guard 1: She did to herself. That's the hem of her own dress. We had to give her a pad and paper to get her to communicate.

Eric (as Greg): Oh. Hmmm… (Sighs) Gregina. Come on. It's not every day someone's family joins a splinter anarchist group and tries to kill them on their wedding day. The least you can do is tell me why.

Okay, let’s try this. I’ll ask you something and you just write it down on that pad there and shove it back to me. Okay? Where are the red throats hiding? Are they spreading from this city? Are they at home? No? Okay... What is their next move? (Angrily) What's your name? How many fingers am I holding up? (Sighs)

You know. I'm not even mad. You almost killed me, almost ruined my wedding, almost threw our family name into the backed up toilet of history. But there it is. Almost. You can't finish anything. If the people ever elected you, you'd lose because you accidentally voted twice. Almost. Almost got me. But not this time. Not ever.

(Sound of chains rattling, pen scratching against paper, and paper being passed under a cell door)

Eric (as Greg): (Reading slowly) I'm named after you. Why do you think I hate you?

(Footsteps running closer)

Guard 2: Sir, we can't find your husband anywhere. And the three from the party - they're gone too.

Eric (as Greg): What?! ... Uh, Gregina, I’'ll see you soon. I promise. Alright, guards. With me.  Let’s go get my husband back.

(Theme music)

Eric: Join the Party is brought to you by Brandon Grugle, Amanda McLoughlin, Michael Fische, and me, Eric Silver. I’m your host and game master; Brandon edits, mixes, and scores the show; Amanda manages our community and our digital life; and Michael archives, manual-checks, and cartographs our world. Special thanks to our creative consultants Connor McLoughlin, Julia Schifini and Heddy Hunt.

Michael: The party doesn’t stop here! The day after every episode comes out we publish the Afterparty, where we sit down to discuss what just happened and learn what could have happened. Send us your questions anytime.

Brandon: Join our community online by following @jointhepartypod on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. We’ve also got every episode up on our website, jointhepartypod.com; and you can email us questions or stories anytime at hitusup@jointhepartypod.com.

Amanda: If you’re enjoying this ride as much as we are, help the show out by subscribing to us in iTunes and leaving a quick rating. For even more Join the Party goodness, check out our Patreon. Just a few dollars will get you access to drawings, character backstories, bloopers, and so much more at patreon.com/jointhepartypod.

Eric: We’ll see you in two weeks. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.