22. Bachelorette Party II

The Bachelorette Tournament commences! Can the party fight through the mud and make new friends with the other contestants? Inara needs a dress. Johnny cares about education reform. Tracey reboots.



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Cast & Crew

- Dungeon Master: Eric Silver

- TR8c (Tracey): Brandon Grugle

- Inara Harthorn: Amanda McLoughlin

- Johnny B. Goodlight: Michael Fische

- Creative Contributors: Connor McLoughlin, Julia Schifini, Heddy Hunt

- Multitude: multitude.productions


Last time on Join the Party

Inara, Johnny and Tracey make their way back to Kiko Castle and Alonzo is nowhere to be found. As they start to look, a column of flame erupts on the horizon, and the Speaker finds our party right away.

Eric (as Speaker Martinsson): If I know Alonzo, I’m worried he’s in Tortipolis. I haven’t spoken to anyone there in quite a number of years. They have had a democratic upheaval, they’ve been having elections every few months.

The party rides towards the appearance of the fire, and find nothing but a circle of ash and a cavern leading directly down into the ground.

Eric: You are in the city underground and here is a hole, a man-made hole that’s leading down

It’d be crazy to jump in that hole… right?

Michael: That’s sixty feet. That’s a sixty feet drop, and you don’t have Feather Fall

Amanda: I’m going.

Brandon (as Tracey): Oh no.

We join our heroes at the bottom, covered in mud. Let’s get the party started.

[theme music]

[sounds of cheering throughout a stadium, with chants, hollers, and horns]

Eric: This colosseum looks like the Roman Colosseum. And I’m not talking the original Roman Colosseum. I’m talking what it looks like now- how it’s all stone and cracked and dust and dirt, but it can still support the weight of thousands of thousands of people, and as you look around, the stands are packed. Everyone is cheering for you or for something. And that’s when you hear the announcement come over the speaker.

Heddy (as announcer): [through a PA system] Representative Brink has everything going for her! Great friends, a loving family, a powerful army of mud monsters who can attack at any moment! There’s just one thing missing: someone to share her life with! And that’s where all of you come in. Some of the Concentric States’ most eligible warriors are here to fight for her heart. Welcome to the premier of The Bachelorette Tournament!

[cheering gets louder]

Eric: The PA shuts off and the crowd explodes. They are cheering their heads off, and as you are looking around and hearing all of them just scream and shout, monsters start to rise from the dirt at your feet. They have hooked noses and wings with holes through them and they are entirely made from mud. Let’s roll for Initiative.

We’re going to do the action movie style of initiative like we did back in the end of Political Party, so you three are going to roll Initiative and I’m going to roll Initiative for the bad dudes. You guys are going to move as a group and I’m going to give you one minute of in-game time to plan what you’re going to do out loud.

[three dice rolling]

Amanda: 17.

Michael: 17.

Brandon: Guys, are you kidding?

Amanda: Wait do I add my +3? Non-natural 20!

Michael: Ahhhhh...

Brandon: Aw man-

Michael: We were about to get 17.

Brandon: I got 16 + 1 for 17!

Amanda: Sorry!

Michael: Aww.

Amanda: I rolled a 17 but it was +3!

Brandon: I mean it’s good, it’s fine. I like it. I appreciate it.

Michael: No we did great guys.

Amanda: Our average is then 18!

[Brandon laughing]

Eric: I rolled a 19, so the mud monsters are going to go first.

There are twelve of them surrounding you in a circle, and you’re waiting- all of you poised waiting for them to attack, but at first they don’t make any moves towards you. It’s just the crowd cheering and they’re circled up. And in clumps of three, they move into each other and they congeal and morph and turn into a sort of cannon that’s aimed at all three of you- you have four cannons shot at all of you.

The cannons train their barrels out at you and fire massive globs of mud at each one of you. Tracey, you get fired at twice. So, Tracey I’m gonna roll against your AC twice.

[dice rolling]

Tracey, I got a 10.

Brandon: Now, that does not hit my good armor.

[die rolling]

Eric: And that is my first nat-1 with this dice.

[all laughing]

Amanda: How the tables turn!

Eric: Tracey, one glob of mud just wings over your shoulder - the right - splats an onlooker, it’s like there’s a Splash Zone, like at the bottom part of the arena. [laughing]

[Amanda and Brandon speaking at once]

Amanda: Do they have ponchos?

Brandon: Are they wearing ponchos?

Eric: They are wearing ponchos! And actually the guy who got hit is just cheering like, “Yeah I paid extra for this ticket! Yeah!” and the one that rolled a nat 1- it’s like the cannon is trying to go off and it backfires and just kind of explodes, and the cannon splats down to itself and only one of these mud monsters come back from being the cannon.

Inara, I’m gonna roll against you now.

[dice rolling]

Eric: 15.

Amanda: I have an AC of 14.

Eric: Oh, that’s a hit. Make a Dexterity saving throw please.

[dice rolling]

Amanda: That’s an 18.

Eric: Okay.

[dice rolling]

Eric: I got 11 points of damage and the effect of whatever happens doesn’t happen to you. So-

Amanda: So I take the damage but not the effect?

Eric: Yes.

Amanda: Okay.

Eric: Do you have a thing that keeps you from getting hurt by stuff?

Amanda: I sure do, which is Uncanny Dodge, meaning that I take half damage on things that hit me.

Eric: Goddamn, alright you only take 5 points of damage.

Amanda: Thank you.

Eric: After it hits you, it doesn’t settle like water does, like if you were hit with a water cannon. It just kind of all blops. [laughing] It just kind of all slides to your feet. As it kind of congeals to your feet, you hop out of the way.

Amanda: And I yell

Amanda (as Inara): I’m rubber, you’re glue! You’re not gonna stick to me, motherfucker!

Eric: I like it. Alright, Johnny.

[die rolling]

Eric: I got a 16.

Michael: 13.

Eric: Okay, make a Dexterity saving throw.

[die rolling]

Michael: Nope.

Eric: Johnny, you take 9 points of damage. You’re also restrained in your spot for 1 minute. At the end of your turn, you can make a saving throw to get out of it again, but you are stuck in the mud at your feet.

Amanda: Where is the Representative sitting?

Eric: You know, that is a very good question, Amanda. Why don’t you make a Perception check?

[die rolling]

Amanda: Uh, that’s a 7.

Eric: Okay. You’re looking around for the Representative and where she might sit, and you don’t see her anywhere, but what you do see is that there are banners all over the colosseum that are unfurled and you’re pretty sure it’s her visage, because it says Representative Brink at the bottom of every single one, and above it is- imagine there’s a mountain the size of Mount Everest and like as rocky and craggy and terrible, and someone carved a human woman’s face into the top of it.

Amanda: Is she pretty?

Eric: She is equally pretty as she is probably going to stab you in the eye.

Amanda: So the most pretty that pretty can be.

Eric: Yeah, I would say so.


Eric: Okay, you guys have one minute on the clock. 3-2-1, Go!

Amanda: So guys, the patches on my gay cloak are lantern, mirror, door, dog, dagger- will any of them be helpful to us here, you think?

Brandon: Door?

Amanda: Door, maybe? Just to see?

Michael: I mean-

Brandon: I do have to say like Tracey is pissed and he’s going to Rage and he’s going to shoot his cannon at everything.

Amanda: Okay, I think we can do this with normal combat.

Michael: Door is going to be an escape, so-

Amanda: Right, I wanna save that one.

Michael: -the only one I would do is dog because daggers would not be the kind of damage we would want. It seems like just kind of any kind of physical damage will knock them out-

Amanda: Yeah.

Michael: -of formation. That one that’s by itself won’t reform but I can do one Eldritch Blast at two of these guys to at least un-form them and if you guys can hit one of those -

Amanda: I’ll do one, yeah.

Michael: -each one they can’t reform into at least a cannon.

Amanda: That’s fine.

Brandon: So, I don’t know if Tracey would-

Eric: You guys have 10 seconds left.

Brandon: - I don’t think Tracey’s gonna respect order, like I think he’s gonna go first and just start raging.

Amanda: That’s fine.

Michael: I mean if you’re gonna shoot, you’re gonna shoot, but we’ll just shoot as well.

Amanda: Yeah

Brandon: Okay, cool.

Eric: 3-

Michael: You have a ranged weapon right?

Eric: 2-

Amanda: Yeah.

Eric: 1- Alright, what are you guys doing?

Brandon: Tracey is raging and shooting.

Eric: Okay. Tell me what that does.

Brandon: Tracey looks around at his surroundings and sees that he is encircled by giant mud monsters. He’s not happy that he fell through a hole and his death is being cheered by thousands of people, and he instinctively goes into the biggest rage he’s ever raged.

Eric: Okay, this is the rage that you’re accessing with yourself, so that’s the one that you get today.

Brandon: Yes, and he looks up at the cannons and he says

Brandon (as Tracey): You think that’s a cannon?!

Brandon: And he cocks his arm and takes a shot at the cannon to the left.

Amanda: Niiiiiice.

Eric: Oh, hell yeah. Alright, roll. Roll them bones.

Brandon: 16?

Eric: Yeah, that hits. You can add damage- I think that’s 2d6.

[dice rolling]

Brandon: I got two 4s and I get to add +1 for my Dexterity and a +2 for my Rage, so that is 11 damage.

Eric: Okay, you point to the one on your left, and it just explodes. It’s like someone jumped into a massive mud puddle in the middle of a storm, and the crowd cheers for the robot with a gun on its arm, and two mud monsters come out of the cannon.

Brandon: And then I use my extra attack and I reload and shoot again.

Eric: Alright, shoot another one.

[die rolling]

Brandon: That’s a natural 20.

Eric: Alright!

Amanda: Ayyyyy!

Eric: Hey now.

Michael: Nice.

Eric: So what does it look like when you do a natural 20 on your arm cannon?

Brandon: It’s a thunder cannon, so what happens is I cock it and I expect a bullet to come out but instead it’s just a burst of pure thunder and lightning and it goes straight from my arm to the cannon. And Tracey is actually taken a little aback by the energy that’s coming out of his hand.

Eric: Hell yeah, okay. The thunder and lightning swirl together. I like to think it’s like double dragon move, and just burst this cannon and it spla- again it hits the Splash Zone like the whole right side of the colosseum just gets hit with mud.

Brandon: So I rolled a 6+5 for an 11 which is doubled for 22, + 1 so 23 + 2 is 25.

Eric: Oh goddamn.

Amanda: Jesus.

Eric: Hoo hoo! Hell yeah! Only one of the mud monsters backs out of the cannon at this point and it is like woozy. It’s like, “What happened while I was fusioned here?”

Brandon: And Tracey is panting and furiously looking around the colosseum.

Eric: I like this.

Michael: Johnny is going to cast Eldritch- Eldri- I don’t know how to say any of my spells

Brandon: [slowly, sounding it out] Prestidigitation.

Amanda: [slowly] Prestidigitation.

Brandon: Don’t cast that please.

Michael: [laughing] Johnny’s going to cast Eldritch Blast on the remaining cannon. That’s two bursts.

Eric: Okay, roll the attack on both of them, please.

Michael: Yes [takes a deep breath]

Amanda: Big money, big money.

[dice rolling]

Michael: 16 + 7 for a 23.

Eric: Yeah, that’ll hit.

Brandon: Plus seven?!

Michael: 11 + 7 for a 18.

Eric: Okay, that cannon explodes and they un-form - the mud un-forms from the cannon and there are these kind of like little monsters just like hidden around, and then you like zap one of the other ones and it just sort of like splurts down.

[Amanda giggles]

Amanda: Uh, how many are left in each?

Eric: There are two standing next to each other and then there’s one in each other corner.

Amanda: So, Inara is going to use her thus-far unused longbow and shoot it at one of the single mud monsters.

Eric: Alright, roll attack please.

[die rolling]

Amanda: That’s a 12.

Eric: Okay, you nock your arrow and you let it fly, and it just runs right through one of these mud monsters, and again it explodes like a party favor. A terrible party favor filled with mud.

Michael: I think it’s easy to say that the three of us went through that with a lot of panache. I think we’re doing a good round in the first round of the Bachelor.

Amanda: Wait, what’s on the Jumbotron?

Eric: Yeah, there’s a Jumbotron in this colosseum that’s held up by a massive arc of stone that is going over the top of the colosseum. It’s not like a dome. There are two crosses of stone over the top in a circle, and then hanging from the bottom- it’s kind of like a lantern but instead of a lantern, it’s a massive Jumbotron.

Amanda: Awesome.

Eric: And before, the Jumbotron was fixed on the action. But now you can see that the camera is turning to the left, which is behind you guys. And for the first time, you’re seeing that there is a proscenium arch behind you. It’s a little bit raised and, um, no one was standing on there before, but now you see there’s like one chair that is right in the middle of it with a high back that’s purple and velvet and etched in gold.

Michael: Not Alonzo, not Alonzo, not Alonzo, not Alonzo…

[Amanda laughing]

Eric: And out of nowhere, like walking out from the ground is an elf with gold hair that goes all the way down to her feet. And she sits down in the chair, and somehow her voice is amplified to go over the PA system that’s been rigged up, and she says

Eric (as elf woman): Hey man, I don’t really understand who this person is that’s supposed to look like me, but she’s just nocking up this arrow like this? That is in-SANE. I’m gonna take her out with everything I have!

[die rolling]

[Eric laughing]

Eric (as elf woman): Are you with me, everybody? I’m the only Tharthorn that is living out in this colosseum, okay?

Eric: And the entire crowd just cheers and goes wild and a creature dressed in all black just kind of comes out of nowhere and tosses her something you can’t see from that far, and she takes aim and fires a hand cannon towards Inara, and Inara, you’re hit right in the dead of the back, and you take…

[dice rolling]

Ten points of electric damage.

Eric (as elf woman): Oh yeah, who’s with me? Who’s with the only Tharthorn that matters?

Eric: And the crowd is going insane. The woman gets up and runs offstage and then a centaur with a hair up in a top bun comes up and tries to navigate himself and sit back in the chair

Eric (as centaur): Oh man, that’s gonna be a whammy!

Amanda: Is this centaur Ryan Seacrest?

Michael: That is not Ryan Seacrest voice

[die rolling]

Eric: And no- just like there’s tepid applause from the crowd, and another creature dressed in all black just kind of shuffles the centaur off to the side. I think that all of you have turned towards the proscenium arch at this point, and to everyone’s surprise, a warforged walks up in sterling metal and tattoos all over its body.

Eric (as warforged): Oh, look. I have found a friend to play with. Another detective for P-R-O-O to play. Beep boop. I am a robot. Boop.

Eric: And the crowd just instinctively goes wild. Because everyone loves this robot. It’s crazy!

Michael: P-R-O-O?

Eric: Everyone just calls it “PORO” for short

Michael: Okay good.

Amanda: Oh my god, oh my god.

Michael: I just wanted to make sure that that’s what you were doing and I’m very happy that that’s what you’re doing.

Eric: It is now the mud monster’s turn.

[die rolling]

Eric: Okay, three of the mud monsters try to run together to become another mud cannon. Johnny, you’re the one who’s still caked in mud. The mud monster runs up to you and just tries to beat you up around the knees. Um...

[die rolling]

Eric: That mud monster rolled a natural 20 to beat you up. [laughing]

Michael: Okay.

Eric: So I think it’s like you would instinctively try to run out of the way because this just little guy and then you just like- you fall over because you don’t remember that you’re stuck to the ground.

Michael: Aww…

[Brandon laughing]

Michael: This just makes me sad.

[dice rolling]

Michael: [laughing] I’m just disappointed.

Eric: Luckily you only take 6 points of damage even from that crit. It is… your turn-

Michael: Luckily? I’m at 22 health. Am I prone?

Eric: Yeah, you know-

Michael: Or did I like whoomph back up because I am still attached to the ground, so I can just whoomph back up.

Brandon: It didn’t spring.

Eric: You whoomph back up. That’s fine by me. He’s a-

Michael: Yeah! I whoomph back up!

Eric: He doesn’t fall down.

Michael: I’m like “wooowoooowooowooo” [making wobbling noise]

Amanda: As Inara’s eyes like Pepe the Skunk are going “woooowoooowoooowooo!”

Eric: Okay, just to give you an orientation to where the enemies are, there is one mud cannon off to your three o’clock and there is one mud monster who is just trying to go “ehhhshmmmshsmmmm” [muttering unintelligibly].

Amanda: “Why I oughta!”

Eric: “Aw why I oughtta tingashrrmmrmmm [more unintelligible mud muttering]”

Okay, 3-2-1-Go.

Brandon: Tracey’s gonna kill your wife.

Michael: Okay, well the wife is gone. There’s- the only people that-

Brandon: Tracey’s chasing after your wife and is going to kill your wife -

Amanda: Let’s kill the mud monsters first.

Michael: Great. I’m being attacked…

Eric: I do want to say that no one is on the proscenium arch at the moment-

Amanda: Yes.

Eric: They’re gone.

Michael: Okay, so I’m going to shillelagh the dude in front of me because they don’t take too much damage-

Amanda: Yup.

Michael: -and whatever. They’ll be the - Or I won’t and I’ll Eldritch Blast whatever- You two need to kill the other guy.

Brandon: Tracey’s going to kill her wife.

Michael: Okay...

Amanda: You guys go before me and I will dagger whoever’s left.

Brandon: You guys, Tr-

Michael: There’s a full cannon… Okay.

Brandon: Tracey’s going to rage. He’s attacking who attacked you, like that’s the bottom- that’s it.

Amanda: Okay.

[all talking at once]

Brandon: I don’t have the-

Amanda: I’ll make the call-

Brandon: I don’t have the decision with Tracey.

Michael: So- so I’m being attacked and you’re just going to leave?

Amanda: If it’s the close one, I’ll dagger-

Brandon: You’re being attacked by-

Michael: There’s two people. There’s two attacking-

Brandon: You know those little dinosaurs in Jurassic Park? You’re being attacked by those.

Michael: I took 6 damage, I’m at 22, and there’s a cannon focused at us and Tracey will leave? That’s fine-

Eric: You have ten seconds.

Michael: I’m just clarifying. I will Eldritch Blast this dude and if the first one hits, I will Eldritch Blast the cannon. If not I have to Eldritch Blast the dude.

Amanda: And if not, I’ll-

Eric: Alright, that’s it.

Amanda: -longbow the cannon.

Eric: Alright. Who’s going first?

Brandon: Tracey’s going first.

Eric: Okay.

Brandon: How tall are the walls and how far away is he from the arch?

Eric: [laughing] Okay. This thing’s huge and they’re off to one side of the colosseum, so you would have a hard time running over there. I’d also say that just as suddenly as they appeared, these people disappeared as the people in black kind of like shuffled them off somewhere.

Brandon: Tracey is infuriated when he sees Inara grounded by this cannon and he starts shooting wildly up at this arch.

Eric: Alright, why don’t you roll to hit the chair?

[die rolling]

Brandon: Uh, he’s maddened by rage and cannot aim properly and he-

Eric: [laughing] Brandon, what’d you roll?

[Amanda laughing]

Brandon: He rolled a 7 total…

Eric: Okay, you aim directly at the purple and gold chair and although you think in your mind that you have trained on it, you’ve shot wildly to the left.

Brandon: And Tracey is screaming bloody murder while he’s doing this,

Eric: Yeah. Are you running while you’re doing it-

Brandon: Yes.

Eric: -because that would make sense to me that if you were trying to shoot while on the run.

Brandon: 100%.

Eric: Okay, so Tracey’s just like breaking the circle right here and is running towards the purple chair.

Brandon: Do I hit any of the audience or anything?

Eric: No, the audience is pretty thrilled, I mean you are a robot going crazy.

Michael: Well I have less than half health, so I’m going to attack the thing that’s damaging me and then the thing that’s trained on us, so I’m going to cast Eldritch Blast.

Eric: Cool. Okay, so you’re going to do first the one of the thing in front of you?

Michael: Yeah.

[die rolling]

Michael: That is a 16 + 7.

Eric: Yeah.

Michael: - for the one in front of me and then a [die rolling] 4 + 7 for the cannon.

Eric: Okay. What does it look like when you do Eldritch Blast really close?

Michael: I bring my hands together and kamehameha just like a blast of light and dark energy that comes out as force energy that just blasts and hits this guy in front of me.

Eric: Okay, I like that. Will you make a Dexterity saving throw please?

[die rolling]

Michael: Uh, natural 1.

Eric: Okay, so as you are so focused on literally training the light to just like destroy this thing in front of you, in the back of your mind you hear the voice of the Shadow that says

Eric (as the Shadow): Ah, yes. I know what you’re doing. You want to hurt this thing. You want to use the Light to hurt it. Do it! Do it! Do it!

Eric: And as it’s getting louder and louder and louder, when you’re aiming at the cannon, it just is entirely throwing you off, and you fire skyward and it bounces off of the Jumbotron and the entire crowd starts to boo you. It’s like “Hey! A lot of public funds went to go into that Jumbotron! Boooo! Boooo!”

Michael: I, uh- then…

Amanda: That’s National Lottery Funding! Booo!

Michael: Okay! Well, if I may, I then yell to everyone

Michael (as Johnny): Next time, use your lottery funds to fund education and not entertainment!

Eric: Roll a Charisma roll.

[die rolling]

Brandon: I love that he’s…

Michael: 19 + infinity

Brandon: He’s dad-

Michael: 19 + 4.

Eric: Goddamn you just dadded the whole… okay. You like talk- like everyone in the crowd is just like “Oh, like man, I really-”

Amanda: They reevaluated their life choices.

Eric: Yeah.

Amanda: They decided to commit their lives to education reform.

Brandon: Guys, we’ve solved this arc already!

Amanda: We fixed it. You’re welcome, Tortipolis.

Eric: And Johnny as you say that and the whole crowd just gets really thoughtful for a second, a creature dressed in all black kind of like appears at your side, just kind of comes out of the ground, and hands you a potion and then settles back into the ground and disappears.

Amanda (as Inara): Drink it, Johnny.

Michael: Can I drink it?

Eric: If you wanna drink it, you’d have to drink it now.

Amanda: Drink it.

Brandon: [whispering, chanting] Drink it! Drink it! Drink it!

Amanda: [joining in] Drink it! Drink it!

Michael: Seeing that the crowd has come to Johnny’s side, he takes this drink which was clearly given to him for educating the people, and dad-ing them, because clearly they’ve not had enough father figures around-

Amanda: Mhm. Mm-mmm

Michael: -to you know, set them on their ways, and he drinks the entirety of the potion.

Eric: I love it. Heal yourself 15 points of damage.

Michael: Yeah!!!

Amanda: Yaaaaaay! It was gooooood and not a poisooooon!

[Brandon laughing]

Michael: And then he’s also poisoned.

[all laughing]

Eric: And then Johnny- and then Johnny… dies?

Michael: 35 health, thank you.

Eric: There you go. Inara, it’s your turn.

Amanda: [taking a deep breath] I’m going to once again fire my longbow into the cannon.

[die rolling]

Amanda: That’s an 8.

Eric: 8 in total?

Amanda: 8 in total.

Eric: Yeah you fire the arrow directly into the mouth of the gun and it’s just sort of like stuck inside the goop inside the gun. At this point, when you fire at the cannon and nothing happens, Oatcake starts running out from your feet and just starts barking at the cannon and just starts going “rrrrrrbrrrrrrgrrrr” [making dog growling noises] and runs up to the cannon and tries to bite it.

[dice rolling]

Eric: Oatcake gets its mouth all up in that mud and just like does not do any damage it’s just like- you know, she’s just a muddy puppy.

Amanda (as Inara): Oatcake, be careful!

Eric: The cannon notices Oatcake just like stuck in it and like rolls backward to try to get a good shot on the dog and as it’s about to fire, Johnny, you look over to the proscenium arch that Tracey is still running furiously at, and someone else has walked up to the purple chair. A human woman walks up with a shaved head and a uniform of white and silver that’s just all gleaming. And she sits down and-

Michael: What’s the light situation coming off of that?

Eric: The light situation coming off of her is very good, Johnny

Michael: Really?!

Eric: And she says

Eric (as human woman): [in thick Southern accent] Well, I do not think-

Michael: Oh dear.

Eric (as human woman): That anyone from the Undyin’ Light should eva’ be firin’ upon a nice dog like that! I do not abide by that! I need to step in and do somethin’!

Michael: I rescind my religion.

Eric: And she fires an Eldritch Blast at the cannon right before it fires on Oatcake, and it explodes and two of the mud monsters unfurl out of them and stumble back.

Michael: Can I free action like, “pew pew pew!” but with like little bursts of light from my fingers at her?

Eric: Her eyes go wide when you make the light go off your fingers.

Michael: It’s like a-

Eric: And she does the finger guns with the light right back at you.

Michael: [laughing] Oh, Jesus

Eric: And she gasps and she tries to run off stage, but the creatures dressed in black just come out of nowhere out of the ground and put her back in the chair. And there’s like three of them surrounding her. And one of them gets really close to her ear and whispers in it, and she says

Eric (as human woman): [muttering to self] Oh, I don’t know if I’m comfortable as- I mean this is just like- okay, okay. I thought I was the only one who ever believed in the Undyin’ Light, but I guess I have a compatriot out here on the battlefield.

Eric: There’s a slow clap that builds through the entire crowd and it just gets louder and louder and louder and everyone’s just cheering for this woman.

Michael: I have bad news for everyone here. I have a literal piece of the Undying Light. I am basically a messiah for all believers of the Undying Light.

Eric: The two mud monsters are each running at Johnny, who’s still stuck in the mud by himself and Inara-

Michael: But standing!

Eric: Still standing. While the two mud monsters start running at Johnny, they just get blasted by the woman standing at the purple chair, again with two more Eldritch Blasts, and they’re defeated.

Michael: I finger-guns back at her again.

Eric: And she gasps so fraughtly that she actually starts to cry a little bit and at that point-

Michael: Can I Prestidigitate from this far?

Eric: No, it’s pretty-

Michael: To wipe away the tears?

Eric: That’s very far. You could try.

Michael: From the finger guns, I do a wave in one direction and the other casting Prestidigitation to wipe away the tears.

Eric: What I think happens is that it’s like you’re casting Mage Hand, but like the Mage Hand can’t really do anything, it’s just like just to wipe away these tears. And it’s like the Mage Hand is bringing a tissue and then she casts Prestidigitation to take a hand that grabs the tissue that comes back and then wipes the tears away from her. And she just gasps again and is just like waving at you, trying to jump out of the chair, and the three creatures then grab her and shuttle back down to wherever they were going.

You guys defeated the mud monsters!

All: Yaaaaaay!

Eric: You did! And Inara got shot in the back and that was crazy.

Amanda: Yeah, but I saw my true love.

Brandon: Here’s the thing though, Eric…

Michael: Ooooh, he’s still running.

Brandon: I am still raging-

Eric: Yeah.

Brandon: And what happens is that when I saw that Oatcake was in danger, Tracey turns around exasperated and takes a second to kind of collect himself, trying to discern between these two threats. He stops suddenly in the path towards the arch, panting, turns towards where Oatcake was in danger, hesitates, and then almost begrudgingly takes off again towards the spot where Oatcake was attacked from, with his great axe raised, and starts hacking away at the mud.

Michael: I’m going to casually walk behind Tracey- I have advantage towards this - to turn off his rage switch.

Eric: I think you just do it. You’re not in combat anymore.

Michael: Okay, cool.

Brandon: And Tracey falls down to the ground and just pants and sort of looks up at the stadium and the crowd but is not taking any information in. It’s just kind of like a blurry mess.

Eric: Sure. Here’s the thing Tracey. When you- you just sort of collapse down- you just fall into a whole like puddle of mud, and on the Jumbotron, they’re playing a whacky blooper and it’s Tracey falling down into the mud, and everyone is kind of laughing at it.

Michael: Johnny pats Tracey on the back and tries to help him up, casting Prestidigitation to try to clean him up a bit.

Brandon: Tracey shuts down. He collapses completely and goes dark.

Amanda: And Inara is standing kind of stunned in the middle of the stadium. Oatcake, when disengaged from the mud cannon, came back over to me and I just knelt in the muddy floor of the colosseum and hugged her to my chest

Michael: Johnny will use this moment to speak to the crowd.

Michael (as Johnny): [in Southern accent] Now I may be a new keeper of the Undyin’ Light here in - wherever I am. But I have a question: did we or did we not put on a good show? Round of applause for this team right here everybody!

Eric: Yeah and the whole crowd goes crazy and it’s just cheers and while this is all going on just like happy music is playing. It’s like you guys are getting like a fade-out, your theme song. And behind you, you see the same creature that gave you the potion dressed in all black- just came out of nowhere, came out of the ground- is like “alright, don’t panic, it’s gonna be fine.”

Michael (as Johnny): [in a Southern accent] Remember! If you’ve drank, don’t drive. Walk home. Use a ride sharin’ app. Taxi services are available. Pay your bartender and don’t do drugs!

Eric: While that’s happening and you’re saying all these things back down to the crowd, all three of you and Oatcake are sinking into the ground. You’re up to your feet, and up to your waist, and Johnny’s doing his final goodbyes and you are sinking down through the ground into the mud. And you fall down, and I swear to god it looks like you’re in a Cheesecake Factory.

[sounds of the stadium fade away]

[ringing, echoing tone plays]

Amanda: Hey, it’s Amanda. Have you ever had a super intense workweek? The kind with lots of people and deadlines and moving parts? A week that you were dreading for a full month beforehand? And do you know that feeling when you’re the last one in your office, on the last hour of the last day of that long long week, and finally it’s quiet? All the stuff is done, all the people are gone, and you have a weekend ahead of you? And best of all, next week cannot possibly be as intense as this one was? This is that slight ringing in your ears when it’s finally quiet. Welcome to the midroll.

Hello to our newest Patrons: Sam, Leisha, Eli, Velma, Zander, Frank, Emily, Rach, Jessica, Olivia, and Jordan. You made a very good decision. And for all 124 of you who comprise our community on Patreon: we have a fun bonus activity for you! If you want to play along with the audience in Tortipolis as we watch this competition unfold, you can fill out a bracket of your own for our Fantasy Bachelorette Tournament league. Draft your four favorites with some friends and bet all your gold pieces! This is just for Patrons, so if you’ve been on the fence, now is a great time to join us for as little as $1 per episode. That’s at Patreon.com/jointhepartypod

We are sponsored this week by 20 Sided Store in Brooklyn, New York, whose co-owner Lauren Bilanko is our resident Master, Dungeon Master. Each month we bring her one of our listeners’ questions about games and GMing. Today our question is: “How much collaboration do you think players should do in the character creation process? Should they work out party composition and/or tie their backstories together before session one, or is it more fun to not discuss things at all and find out you have a party of all monks the first game?”

Lauren says: “I have done both. It totally depends on the campaign I am running and the players I am working with. Would the story be better for the characters backstories to unfold slowly in the campaign like in Reservoir Dogs or Aliens? Or would it be better for there to be a rich backstory as to why this party is together to give them a common goal like in The Goonies? I ask these questions at the start of every new campaign.”

Thanks, Master Dungeon Master! If you’re interested in picking up some supplies to inspire your next pop culture-oriented campaign, you can head over to 20 sided store dot com or visit them in person in Brooklyn, NY and use our discount code, JOINTHEPARTY, for 20% off. So head over to twenty (full word) sided store.com and use our discount code JOINTHEPARTY.

You know what’s better than listening to a new episode of a podcast you really love? Listening along with someone you care about. So, tell a friend about Join the Party! Text someone you love to talk about pop culture stuff with, and send them the link jointhepartypod.com/recap. That’s where we have a summary of our first arc, links to all of the arcs that came after, and a little explanation of the whole Afterparty thing. And when you do, tweet us a screenshot! We’ll bestow upon you a magical item for use in your next adventure.

Now, let’s get back to the show.

[tone plays again]

Eric: You three are dropped into what looks like the lobby of a Cheesecake Factory, where it’s just like Greco-Roman and like seashells and like Victorian, Egyptian, Rococo just like all thrown together. It’s just like all these different like ideas of what excess and like luxury looks like. But someone threw it together all on the cheap.

Michael: This sounds like Johnny’s house.

Eric: It might be- Johnny might live here. And you’re just looking around and you’re in the atrium of a giant house. Behind you are two big double doors and everything looks bananas around you. You see some stairs coming up and just hallways just are leading in a few different directions.

Amanda: A bananas foster cheesecake? Is that what we’re…

Eric: [laughing] There’s also a bananas foster cheesecake sitting on a end table right to your left.

Brandon: I order 12.

Eric: There are no waiters in front of you.

Michael: Is it sliced already?

Amanda: Inara has three and a half cheesecakes in her mouth currently.

[all laughing]

Michael: Full cheesecakes?

Amanda: Uh, yes!

Eric: Alright, as Inara’s stuffing cheesecake into her mouth, the doors open wide and 20 people of all different races just start running in and screaming going “Oh my god! Look at this house! This so crazy! I can’t believe we’re living here!” run in and then start running up the stairs.

Michael: I place my hand on Tracey and Inara and my foot on Oatcake and Light Step ahead of the crowd into one of the open doors upstairs [talking faster] which is a bedroom and it’s our bedroom and there’s enough beds for all of us.

Eric: Okay. Here’s what I’m gonna say-

[all laughing]

Eric: I’m gonna say that you can’t teleport directly into a room-

Michael: You know what, that’s very reasonable.

Eric: You’re in the hallway upstairs. You are definitely ahead of the back but they are bearing down on you.

Michael: Sure.

Eric: What happens as soon as you come down?

Michael: So the Light Step is going to take us to the landing, ahead of-

Eric: Okay and then you get one action.

Michael: Right. Ahead of everyone else, so-

Amanda: I’m going to do an Investigation check to see which bedroom is preferable.

Eric: Okay.

Michael: And then I, to hedge our bets, am going to run into one and prepare to hold off the crowd.

Brandon: Tracey’s gonna lie on the floor ‘cause he’s off.

[all laughing]

Eric: Yeah, we got that bud.

Amanda: Useful obstacle. I like it, I like it.

Michael: Oh! Can I position Tracey as an obstacle?

Eric: Goddamn I was waiting for you to say that, yeah.

Michael: Okay, very good.

Amanda: Yes!

Michael: Then I will position Tracey as an obstacle into the one I run in.

Eric: Okay. I’m gonna say if you’re going to the closest one the action is going to be dragging Tracey. I want Johnny to make a Strength check. I’m sorry, I know that’s not your thing but you gotta position Tracey in front of these people. Inara, make an Investigation roll.

[die rolling]

Amanda: That’s a 16 for me.

Eric: Nice.

Michael: [muttering to self] c’mon, c’mon, c’mon.

Amanda: Big money, big money.

[die rolling]

Michael: Hey guys, good job. I got a non-natural… 1!

[Amanda laughing]

Eric: You got a 1?

Michael: But it was a 2 - 1 for non-natural.

Eric: Non-natural, okay. The move you did was cool. Touching all three of them and then you Light Step-

Michael: And Oatcake.

Eric: And Oatcake. You all kind of flomp onto the landing.

Michael: Burst of light. It’s pretty.

Eric: Burst of light. And you try to position Tracey to fall on top of these people but you know he’s just too- he’s too heavy for you and you’re really just struggling- it’s really collapsing on top of you. Inara, you rolled a 16?

Amanda: Yup.

Eric: Okay. You quickly peek into three out of four of the bedrooms and you notice that all four of the bedrooms have two bunk beds and one single bed. And the one on the far left has their own bathroom.

Amanda: I run into that bathroom.

Eric: How are you running into the bathroom?

Amanda: Like a swimmer in the Olympics, I’m going to just tumble into that bedroom so that I can like put my toe over the line and claim it before anybody else can run up behind me.

Eric: Hell yeah. Alright, I like it. Roll Acrobatics.

[dice rolling]

Amanda: That’s a 5 + 6 Acrobatics.

Eric: Sure, okay. You try to tumble through the crowd. Some of them split off to the two bedrooms - one on either side - but it seems like some people are intentionally going for the far bedrooms. And as you tumble through, you get to that far bedroom that you were checking out with the bathroom and at the same time as you get there, a gooey slap happens to your right and you look over and there’s a gelatinous cube that has also put one corner of itself down.

Amanda: I’m gonna tumble forward and plaster myself against the ladder of the bunk bed.

Eric: Okay, the gelatinous cube also kind of shuffles forward and just kind of fully consumes the single bed.

Amanda (as Inara): Listen, buddy, do you even need a bathroom? I need this! I got my party-mates, I got a dog, I got a family!

Eric (as gelatinous cube): I am a hoo-man who needs to do hoo-man things! And I need to go to the bathroom and that’s why I need a private bathroom, because I only go to the bathroom in private!

Amanda (as Inara): No, but seriously? There are three of us and one of you so like can we reach an arrangement here? I have a bunch of gold.

Eric (as gelatinous cube): As a hoo-man I also need to sleep and this bed is going to be perfectly comfortable as my name is Chad and I am going to be friends with you. We’re going to be roommates! I like roommates with hu-man. If there are only three of you, that means that there is still space for me, Chad, in this bed.

Amanda (as Inara): Alright, Chad, fair enough, but I get first dibs on the bathroom!

Eric (as Chad): That’s fine. I shower at night!

Amanda (as Inara): Sounds great.

Amanda: And then we high-five.


Brandon: What does that feel like?

Eric: Um, Inara-

Amanda: It feels, Brandon, like high-fiving a jello casserole.

[Brandon laughing]

Eric: Yeah, that’s exactly what it is. I was gonna say jello casserole and you nailed it. Inara you look at your hand, it just is covered in goo.

Amanda: I place it down at my side to let Oatcake lick it.

Eric: Okay.

Michael: I’m still struggling with Tracey, right?

Eric: Mhm

Michael: I’m gonna cast my second of three spell slots to Light Step into the room that Inara got into, and we go into Inara’s room and I’m going to attempt to let Tracey fall onto one of the two bunk beds while I move to the other.

Eric: I like it. There’s still one bed left in your bedroom and it seems like a lot of people have kind of like congregated to their own spaces. You haven’t seen everyone yet, but standing out in the-

Michael: Not Alonzo, not Alonzo, not Alonzo…

Amanda: [joining in] Not Alonzo, not Alonzo, not Alonzo.

Eric: Standing out in the hallway are three people. First is the older human woman in the all white suit, who helped you guys out. There’s P0R0 who is the tattooed robot who said “beep boop,” and there’s the elven woman with the extremely long hair - Autumn Tharthorn.

Michael: So our counterparts…?

Amanda: Mmm, my wife.

Eric: All three of them are poking their heads in to each of the rooms and are noticing that there’s only one bed left in like three of the rooms.

Michael: I finger guns in their general direction.

Amanda: I pop my head up.

Amanda (as Inara): Uh, Miss Tharthorn?

Michael: And Tracey continues to be a lifeless husk.

[all laughing]

Eric: Just checking in! Checking in on-

Michael: Checking in on Tracey! Are you still deactivated?

Eric: Lifeless husk award.

Michael: Wait, let’s see if he’s still deactivated!

Amanda: It’s the Lifeless Husk Cam.


Michael: And that’s lifeless husk!

[all laughing]

Brandon: Hey Eric, can you let me know when it’s been four hours?

Eric: Sure. Yeah. I know that’s very good. That’s very good. P0R0 just kind of stands there and waves while the woman in the- with the shaved head is like

Eric (as human woman): Johnnnaaaayyy! It was so good to see you out there. I know that being of the Undyin’ Light I just wanna be together with you in the room and talk to you about gods and scriptures and where we figure out all on this triangular world when it’s just the Light and the Dark. Please let me stay in your room.

Michael: You know what, I’m having second thoughts.

Eric: And Miss Tharthorn is looking at you like really shady.

Eric (as human woman): Well I don’t have anywhere to sleep, and it seems like there are only three bedrooms left.

Eric: And uh, Tharthorn says

Eric (as Autumn): Uh, yeah, I don’t have anywhere else to sleep either and I don’t know if I want to sleep with this copycat of my style. I’ll sleep anywhere else!

Eric: And P0R0 goes

Eric (as P0R0): Beep boop. I don’t have anywhere to sleep! Can I sleep with you?

Amanda (as Inara): [sighing] Let’s take the robot

Michael (as Johnny): [in Southern accent] Now, miss, how ‘bout we meet later on to discuss the Undyin’ Light, but for now, I’m tired, as you must be as well. Let’s adjourn for a while just in separate bedrooms as the Undying Light would want us to and thus we can discuss at a later point. Let’s bring uh P-O-R-O, P0R0 why don’t you come in? Because we have our friend Tracey who- he seems to have fallen asleep and he could use your help. Uh, Miss, what’s your name?

Eric (as Autumn): I’m the Tharthorns of our Great Green Oceans of Abundance the Harbinger of Unity and Honor of the Great Unification of all five state of Concentra! You know those forests right there? I can’t believe you don’t know what that is. That’s really offensive.

Michael: Would I know what she’s talking about?

Eric: Yeah, this forest is on all maps. We’re talking about the cities in these city-states, but there’s a lot of land kind of in between everything. In the South-West of the concentric states there is a very large forest and there’s a lot of nomadic tribes that live in there outside of the cities. And Inara, you know that forest because somewhere within that forest is where your family is from.

Amanda: Yep.

Eric: You are from the Great Green Ocean.

Amanda: That’s what we call it!

Eric: On official maps, it is that full name, “The Great Green Ocean of Abundance, Harbinger of Unity and Honor of the Great Unification of the Five States of Concentra.”

Amanda: We call it the Great Green.

Eric: Yeah.

Michael: What’s that acronym?

[Amanda laughing]


Michael: Colloquially known as?

Amanda: Ogghaucfsc [trying to pronounce the acronym]

Michael: There we go, thank you.

Eric: Or the Great Green.

Michael: Or the Great Green.

Eric: Yes.

Michael: Or the GG.

Michael (as Johnny): [in Southern accent] I don’t know either of you fine ladies but how about we come and we talk together? Let’s meet up later this eve, but for now let’s adjourn as we must rest. We’ve had quite a tussle as you all have seen. Uh, uh, uh… shoo!

[all laughing hysterically]

Michael: I like Southern Johnny a lot!

Eric: Alright, I think with your official “Shoo!” the two women go off and-

Michael: But pleasantly! They’re all in a good mood.

Eric: Pleasantly, yeah, the woman with the shaved head bows and says

Eric (as human woman): Just so you know, you can call me Miss Sunbeam.

Eric: And she walks over to her room.

Michael: After she says that I bow and say

Michael (as Johnny): A pleasure, Miss Sunbeam.

Michael: And then pew pews!

Eric: And she goes into one of the other rooms and Autumn Tharthorn goes, “psh” and walks into the other room and P0R0 goes

Eric (as P0R0): Aw, thanks, guys. I really appreciate that you gave me a seat. Now I can sit next to my friend, Tracey. I’m P0R0. Beep boop.

Eric: And he-

Michael: Hold on, Tracey watch! Does Tracey say anything?!


Michael: No!

Amanda: No!

Eric: No he doesn’t say anything!

Michael: He is deactivated!

Eric: And P0R0 sits down on the free bed. Okay, I’m gonna send you all a list of all of the contestants in the Bachelorette Tournament

All: Yes!!!

Eric: I’m gonna read all of these out loud. So we have Johnny, TR8c, Inara, Alice Sunbeam, P0R0 who’s a warforged, Autumn Tharthorn- she’s an elf, Mischa an aarakocra, Crews the dwarf, Ash the centaur who you heard before, Schulz - no one really knows what Schulz’s race is. Dayton Sands is a dragonborn. Ambrose Knight is also a dragonborn. Alabama Simpson the gnome, Chad, the ooze as you met.

Michael: [laughing] You wrote “Chad - comma - ooze-

Amanda: Chad Ooze

Michael: - comma - an ooze.”

Eric: He’s definitely an ooze

Michael: Hoo-man. H-O-O-

Eric: Chad dash Hoo-man, Ooze. Polly Pickett who’s also a human, Kevin Vacation, a special elf with wings-

Amanda: [singing] All I ever wanted! Vacation have to get away!

Eric: An elf with wings is actually very rare, so that’s interesting. Sophie Powers is lizardfolk. Ambrose P is a half-orc. Minerva is a very small treant. A treant is kind of very Lord-of-the-Rings-y, like basically an animate tree. And Ambrose T is a halfling.

Michael: I’m notice a few Ambrose’s here.

Eric: Yeah actually at one point all of the Ambrose’s are like, “Wait I’m Ambrose!” and then one of them is like, “No I’m Ambrose!”

Amanda: Ambrose K, Ambrose, P, and Ambrose T!

Michael: Do they forget which race they are at times?

Eric: No. They’re- one’s a halfling, one’s a half-orc, and one is a dragonborn, so they’re all very distinct-

Michael: So they’re all half human-

Eric: -and they’re all named Ambrose.

Michael: -half something

Eric: Yes. So those are all the people who are in the competition. I guess this is kind of like a resting time. Everyone’s just kind of like hanging out and getting their bearings. There’s gonna be like a formal kind of like cocktail party to start everything off later that night.

Amanda: I’m going to go into the room next to mine and say

Amanda (as Inara): I don’t own any dresses!

Eric: I love it. Okay, this is great. So this one has Kevin Vacation in it. This is Kevin, Sophie, who’s a lizard, Ambrose P, who’s a half-orc, Minerva the tiny tree, and Ambrose T, a halfling. And Minerva the treant stands up and says

Eric (as Minerva): I I don’t have any dresses, but I could probably just cover you with some foliage! That’s what I just do to myself. I bloom in flowers!

Amanda (as Inara): Thanks for the offer… Lizard friend?

Eric: Yeah, she makes direct eye contact with you and then just gestures to her whole body and she’s not wearing anything.

Amanda (as Inara): Cool, thanks new friends!

Amanda: And then I’m going to go to the next room next door.

Eric: Sure, okay this one has Schulz, Dayton Sands, Alice- the woman in the suit, Alabama Simpson a gnome, and Polly Pickett.

Amanda (as Inara): I don’t have any dresses! Can anyone help me for tonight?

Eric: Schulz gets up from their single bed, stands up, and puts their hands on your shoulders, and Schulz has long red hair with bangs, and lifts their bangs up and there’s a third eye on their forehead.

Amanda (as Inara): You remind me of my friend Hephaestus!

Eric (as Schulz): Because we both have third eyes?

Amanda (as Inara): Because you’re both very insightful.

Eric (as Schulz): I haven’t even done anything to-

Amanda (as Inara): I can just tell by your eyes.

Eric (as Schulz): I mean I was just gonna recommend what you should wear-

Amanda (as Inara): I mean, I mean your- your two eyes, but let me know.

Eric (as Schulz): I was just gonna recommend you what you wear so I guess that’s pretty good.

Amanda (as Inara): Alright.

Eric (as Schulz): Alright cool, I’m gonna do this.

Eric: And Schulz puts their hands on your shoulders and says

Eric (as Schulz): You should be covered in flowers.

Amanda (as Inara): Dope, let’s do it.

Eric (as Schulz): I don’t have any flowers. I just- I do the leg work here.

Amanda: I’m gonna look at the others in the room and say

Amanda (as Inara): Anyone have dope floral clothing they don’t want to wear tonight?

Eric: The other three in the room just kind of like shrug and ignore you and Alice Sunbeam stands up and is about to say something to you, and then thinks better of it and then just shrugs and goes off to- she’s kind of like making her bed.

Amanda (as Inara): Uh, madam- I- I think I’m just gonna borrow things from my friend and uncle, Johnny B. Goodlight. I don’t know if you’ve got anything like better than I could potentially borrow and just like wear out into public but I just thought I would ask before I, you know, go to him, you know-

Eric (as Alice): Uh, no sir I don’t have anything that would be actually floral. I just have this light white thing, and anything that Johnny can do is probably the best thing for all of us. Now go on now, I need my beauty time.

Amanda (as Inara): Let’s try the third room.

Eric: Okay, in the third room - this is Ash the centaur, Crews who’s the dwarf, Mischa an aarakocra, Ambrose Knight the dragonborn, and this one has Autumn Tharthorn in it.

Amanda: Oh no I don’t wanna go in there.

Eric: Okay.

Amanda: Nevermind. Alright so I’m going to return to my room and say to Johnny, I’m gonna like run over to his bed and like put a hand in the middle of his chest and say

Amanda (as Inara): Johnny, do you have any floral garments I can borrow and potentially tailor?

Michael: She wakes me up.

[Eric laughing]

Michael (as Johnny): Actually yes. I have a ton of extra clothing here.

Michael: And I turn over my bag, but instead of just apples coming out of it are just a ton of fabric and a ton of just lots of clothing- all sorts of patterns just random patterning and can be either mixed and matched or made into one beautiful-looking, or several beautiful… I have an entire department store worth of clothing pieces.

Eric: Apparently-

Amanda: Makeover montage!

Eric: Yeah. [singing] Makeover, makeover!

You guys just try things on, and then Chad comes in and just takes like a bolt of cloth and tries to wrap it around himself-

Amanda: [laughing] Pins in his mouth…

Eric: - and just gets stuck on him. Yeah. And there’s like-

Michael: And it just soaks into him.

Eric: Yeah. And then P0R0 tries to put on a few of your kimonos and then just like rips off the sleeves, just like Tracey would do and then Tracey is passed out-

Michael: And we’re just throwing clothing onto Tracey

Eric: [at the same time] onto Tracey.

Amanda: Yeah, he’s the reject pile. Yeah. But I-I wanna-

Michael: Wait! Hold on! Tracey check! How’s Tracey doing?


Michael: Okay!

[all speaking at once]

Amanda: Oh nice he’s asleep!

Eric: He’s still- he’s still passed out.

Michael: Yeah.

Amanda: Yeah, yeah, still. Good.

Eric: Okay, as you guys are doing this dressing montage-

Michael: Does this count as a rest?

[all laughing]

Eric: Yeah, it still counts as a rest. Okay I’m just gonna tell you guys what the rooms in this mansion, because you guys just kind of like poked around, but you spent more time doing your dressing montage.

Eric: [in TV presenter voice] Welcome to beautiful Art Spire Hideaway!

[drum leads into 60s-esque smooth jazz]

The perfect place for the Bachelorette Tournament to get started. Everyone who stays here is getting saucy… or getting bloody. It’s five to a room with special bunk beds, and maybe even a private bathroom for those who serve it. There’s a kitchen to fit all 20 of you together- whoever’s there for that long! There’s a gym if you just wanna work out your muscles, and two bars! Hooray! One bar isn’t just enough. There’s one in the kitchen and one next to our luxurious pool.

[Amanda snickering]

Michael: Is there a library?

Eric: There’s no- there’s a library in the Bachelor mansion?

Amanda: No! No library! It’s an anti-library! It’s a hot tub.

Michael: There’s magic users! I don’t know…

Amanda: There’s an anti-library. A hot tub.

[Brandon laughing]

Eric: Our special pool is long enough for you to swim forever. Almost to infinity. And if you’re too tired of infinity, just get in our special hot tub, where the Bachelorette champions deserve to swim.

[jazzy music ends]

Eric: I wanna go back to your montage. You guys are just kind of like trying on stuff and getting ready for the cocktail hour that’s gonna start, and it’s like 2, 3, 4 hours go by, and Tracey’s just kind of like covered in fabrics and clothes, and Johnny and Inara are kind of like caught up in the montage, and you don’t realize when Tracey melts into the floor through his bed and goes into the floor.

Amanda: [shocked] What?!

[haunting, high pitched tones begin playing]

Eric: And Tracey, you wake up and you’re back in the colosseum. But you’re not on the ground. You are 100 feet up on a ledge off of the roof of the colosseum. No one is in the stands. It is entirely empty except for three people who are staring intently at you.

Well, I mean they kind of look like people. They’re more like mounds of dirt and earth and rocks and mud. And they’re wearing all black. There’s two that are particularly lumpy, but one is coming towards you that looks like the cookie-cutter version of a person. And the cookie cutter person says to you

Eric (as cookie-cutter mud person): [voice echoing] Wow, Tracey, have you ever seen another warforged before?

Brandon: Tracey shoots up

Brandon (as Tracey): [gasps]


Brandon (as Tracey):First dibs on the bathroom!

[theme music]

Eric: Join the Party is brought to you by Brandon Grugle, Amanda McLoughlin, Michael Fische, and me, Eric Silver. I’m your host and game master; Brandon edits, mixes, and scores the show; Amanda manages our community and our digital life; and Michael archives, manual-checks, and cartographs our world. Special thanks to our creative consultants Connor McLoughlin, Julia Schifini and Heddy Hunt.

Michael: The party doesn’t stop here! The day after every episode comes out we publish the Afterparty, where we sit down to discuss what just happened and learn what could have happened. Send us your questions anytime.

Brandon: Join our community online by following @jointhepartypod on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. We’ve also got every episode up on our website, jointhepartypod.com; and you can email us questions or stories anytime at hello@jointhepartypod.com.

Amanda: If you’re enjoying this ride as much as we are, help the show out by subscribing to us in iTunes and leaving a quick rating. For even more Join the Party goodness, check out our Patreon. Just a few dollars will get you access to drawings, character backstories, bloopers, and so much more at patreon.com/jointhepartypod.

Eric: We’ll see you in two weeks. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.